Checkpoint Gnarly
After a wild night of drinking with the boss's brother, things go bad at a DUI checkpoint.
- OKAY, SO I CALL IT"BOOZE CHESS."
I GOT THE COGNAC ROYALAS YOUR KING.
QUEENSLAND VODKA--OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S THE QUEEN.
UH, OLD STEED WHISKEY.
THAT'S THE HORSE/CENTAUR GUY.
- OH. CHESSMATE.
- LET'S JUST DRINK.WHOA! CHECK OUT THIS GUY.
- I DIDN'T DO IT.DON'T ARREST ME.
- CAN I HELP YOU, OCIFFER?
- IT'S MY COSTUMEFOR THE POLE DANCING CLASS
I'M TAKINGUP AT THE REC CENTER.
- GOOD WAY TO MEET BABES.- YEAH.
- IT'S A GOOD WAYTO KEEP THE BODY IN SHAPE.
AND, YES, I HAVE METSOME FRIENDS--WHO ARE LADIES.
CHERYL, PENNY, LAURIE.
WE'RE ALL GONNA MAKEHOMEMADE PIZZAS LATER.
- SOUNDS GOOD.
SO WAIT, EVERYONE WEARSA COP OUTFIT OR WHAT?
- OH, NO, NO, NO, THIS IS JUST,UH, SOMETHING FRESH
I'M BRINGING TO THE TABLE.
THINKING I MIGHT CHANGETHE GAME THOUGH
AFTER THEY SEETHIS LITTLE ROUTINE.
CHECK IT OUT.BUCKLE UP.
FREEZE! I'M GONNA NEED YOUTO SPREAD 'EM.
- I LIKE IT SO FAR.
[music starts]- YEAH.
- OH!- HELLO. WHOA.
- YO!- YAH.
- OH.- WAIT A SECOND.
WHERE'D I PUT MY--OH, THERE IT IS.
EYES DOWN HERE, FELLAS.EYES DOWN HERE.
- SERIOUSLY, DUDE,YOU GOT A PRETTY GOOD DICK.
- ♪ S--S--STOP,C--COME ALIVE ♪
♪ IT'S BEAT LIKE THISTHAT MAKE ME SMILE ♪
- OH, GOT ME.- OH!
- OH, YEAH.NO, YOU DON'T NEED TO...
- ALL RIGHT.- NEED TO...
- OH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOWWHAT THAT'S ABOUT.
"OFFICER.""YOU'RE UNDER ARREST."
- HEY.WHOA! THIS IS A CHESSBOARD!
HEY, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLEOF A GAME1
- AH!- ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS UP
- MY TEACHER SAYS IF YOU DON'TSWEAT IN YOUR CRACK,
YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT.
- THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL THING.- HA HA HA!
- I KNEW THAT.- I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T.
OKAY, YOU ARE GOOD. WE GOTTO WATCH OUT FOR THIS GUY.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING,B-RAD.
REAL DANNY BLAINE.IS IT DANNY? DAVID?
- IT'S DAVID.- DAVID BLAINE?
- IT'S DAVID.- DAVID.
- YEAH, JUST GIVE THEMTHEIR MONEY BACK, PLEASE.
- GIVE ME THAT.- THANKS, MAN.
- ANYWAY, UH, SWEETIE, I'M GONNABE WORKING LATE TONIGHT.
I HAVE AN INTERNATIONALCONFERENCE CALL. BRUSSELS.
- OH, HOMEOF JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME.
MUSCLES FROM BRUSSELS.- SHUT UP.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL HIM.
- SO THERE'S SOME FROZENCALZONES
IN THE FREEZER.
AND, UM, I'LL BE HOME LATER.
- UGH, I'M TIREDOF BEING COOPED UP
IN YOUR STUPID WIDOW PAD!
- [snickers]
- BRADLEY, I TOLD YOUI AM NOT A WIDOW, OKAY?
I AM DIVORCED.
I AM AN INDEPENDENT WOMANIN THE PRIME OF MY LIFE.
- YOU'RE 35 AND ALONE.I RUN TRAIN ON CHICKS LIKE YOU.
- [whispers] OH, MY GOD.
- WHY DON'T I HANGWITH THESE NERDS?
- WHAT? OKAY, NO.
NO, BRADLEY, YOU DO NOT WANTTO HANG OUT WITH THEM, OKAY?
THEY ARE TOTAL LOSERS
- [scoffs] REAL LOSERS?COME ON.
WE HAVE A SWIMMING POOL.
WE--WE ALL HAVEOUR OWN ROOMS.
- WE HAVE AN AQUARIUM.A VERY SMALL ONE.
WE HAVE TWO WORKING TOILETS.- THAT'S NOT VERY LOSER, IS IT?
- IT'S SETTLED THEN.- YEAH, B-RAD.
- ALL RIGHT.- WHOO-HOO!
- [whistles]
- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THAT DUDE DEFINITELY LOOKSAT PORN.
- IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE.HE DOES. I'VE CAUGHT HIM.
- OKAY, LISTEN TO ME,BRADLEY IS MY BROTHER
AND THE ONLY THINGIN THE WORLD THAT I LOVE.
HE'S LIKE THE CHILDI WILL NEVER HAVE.
SO I WANT YOU TO GO AGAINSTEVERY INSTINCT
YOU MAY HAVE TONIGHTAND NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID.
- NO.- ROGER THAT.
- YEAH. BECAUSE IF YOU DON'TBRING HIM BACK SAFE AND SOUND,
I'M GONNA EAT YOUR BALLSFOR BREAKFAST TOMORROW
WITH MY GRAPE-NUTS.
THEN I'M GONNA MURDER YOU.
THEN I'M GONNA FIRE YOU.
OKAY. HAVE FUN.
- [whispers] SHE JUST PUTTHE FEAR OF GOD
INTO MY BONER.
- FEAR-ECTION.
WHENEVER I'M INA BAD SITUATION,
I CALL THE SMARTEST GUYI KNOW, CARL.
- THE DRUG DEALER.- THE HUMAN GENIUS.
- HE'S THE SMARTEST GUY EVER.- YEAH.
- ECCENTRICALLY HE WEARSTWO DIFFERENT COLORED SHOES.
- SOCKS.- REALLY?
- YEAH.- THAT'S SMART.
- ALL RIGHT, SOLDIERS,HERE'S HOW IT'S GONNA GO DOWN.
TWO-MAN TEAMS OF TWO.
BLAKE, YOU AND DERS ARE OUR MENINSIDE INFILTRATING.
ME AND DA MAN,WE'LL HANG BACK HERE IN HQ
ACTING AS BACKUP.
- YEAH, HQ! TEAM HQ.
- HQ "HEADQUARTERS"?
THIS IS A FILTHY, CREEPY VAN
THAT SOMEONE WROTE "RAPE"ON THE SIDE OF.
- I WROTE THAT.
THE VAN DOESN'T HAVE ANY LOCKSAND THE WORD "RAPE"
KEEPS ALL THE WEIRDOESAWAY, BRO.
- OH, GOOD IDEA.- THE HUMAN GENIUS.
- IT'S NOT GENIUS.IT ISN'T GENIUS.
YOU DON'T HAVEANY FORMAL EDUCATION.
- AT LEAST I'M WEARINGCAMEL FLAGE.
- "CAMEL FLAGE"?- CAMEL FLAGE.
- THE ONLY REASON I'M NOTTOTALLY ONBOARD RIGHT NOW
IS THAT DERS IS BREAKINGAND ENTERING
WHEN I SHOULD BE DOING THAT
'CAUSE I HAVE--I'M THE MOST COURAGEOUS.
I'M LIKE THE COWARDLY LION.
- HE HAD A LOT OF COURAGE.- BUT OPPOSITE OF THAT.
- HE'S RIGHT. I'M NOTTHE BREAKING AND ENTERING TYPE.
- DERS, LOOK INTO MY EYE.MY GOOD EYE.
- WH--I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE'STHE GOOD EYE.
- THIS ONE, BRO.THE WONKY ONE.
- IT MAKES ITS OWN RULES,DUDE.
LOOK HOW WONKY IT IS!IT'S WONKY!
- I'M RUNNING THIS MISSIONAND I NEED YOU IN THERE.
- GIVE ME THIS.
- NOW, WE'RE GONNA BEON CHANNEL 7
SO PLEASE KEEP THE CHATTERTO A MINIMUM.
- OKAY, WE GET IT.- DO YOU GET IT, BRO?
ME AND BLAKE WERE IN IRAQ.
- THAT WAS QUEBEC, DUDE.
- WAS IT?- OKAY.
I'M GONNA GO GET MY CAR BACK.THANK YOU.
LEFT HERE! RIGHT AT THE LIGHT!
- LET'S GO.- GO GO.
[car horn blares]
- PLAY ARTIST NORAH JONES.
- PLEASE REPEAT.
- PLAY ARTIST NORAH JONES.
- PLEASE REPEAT.
- OKAY, I PL--I PLAYTHE SAME [bleep] SONG
EVERY NIGHT.
NORAH [bleep] JONES.
- NORAH JONES.- THANK YOU.
- TURN BY THE SIGN.NOW LEFT.
WE'RE ALMOST THERE!- YEAH, BABY!
[tires screeching]
- ♪ I LOVE THE STROKESOF LOVE ♪
♪ PAINTED UP ON YOUR FACE
- MOVE IT, MAN.
- ♪ AYE-YAH-YAH-YAH-YAH
♪ AYE-YAH-YAH-YAH-YAH
[car alarm beeps on]
- PULL OVER!PULL OVER!
WE MADE IT!
- WE THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING USTO YOUR HOUSE.
- YEAH. MY HOUSE OF PANCAKES.I'M STARVING.
- YEAH, LET'S GO INSIDE.LET'S GET PANCAKES.
AND WHILE WE'RE IN THERE,LET'S GET SOME JOB APPLICATIONS
BECAUSE WE'RE GOINGTO BE FIRED.
- I'M AN ADULT.
I CAN STAY OUT AS LATEAS I WANT.
I WILL TALK TO ALICEAND TELL HER THE TRUTH.
YOU GUYS SHOWED MEA GREAT TIME.
SHE WON'T BE MAD.TRUST ME.
LET'S DESTROYSOME SHORT STACKS!
all: YEAH.
- AND [bleep] CHICKS!
- YEAH, WE'LL DO OUR BEST.WE'LL TRY.
- YEAH, DEFINITELY.- IT'S DIFFICULT.
IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK.- B-RAD IN THE HOUSE.
IN THE HOUSE OF PANCAKES.- OH, YEAH.
