Anthony Jeselnik, Rory Albanese, Deon Cole, Tommy Johnagin, David Koechner

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 04/07/2011

Rory Albanese has an idea for deterring would-be terrorists, and Tommy Johnagin accidentally throws a baby at a ceiling while David Koechner's baby is up for sale.

LET ME THANK YOUFOR SOMETHING ELSE.

AND THAT IS I SEE THAT NO ONEYET IS FILMING THIS

ON THEIR CELL PHONESAND I APPRECIATE THAT

BECAUSE THAT HAS BECOME THE NEWSCOURGE OF STAND-UP, REALLY.

PEOPLE SITTING THERE SAYING,"WELL, I WANT TO ENJOY THIS,

BUT NOW IS NOT GOOD FOR ME."

(laughter)

"LATER WOULD BE BETTER.

LATER AND SMALLERWOULD BE BETTER FOR MY SCHED."

THAT--THAT TECHNOLOGYHAS FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGED

THE WAY WE WILL WATCH NEWSFOREVER NOW

BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER NOT SEESOMETHING EVER AGAIN.

(laughter)

TO THE EXTENT THAT IF SOMETHINGHAPPENS IN THE WORLD

AND THERE IS NOT AT LEASTSOME KIND OF FOOTAGE OF IT,

DEEP DOWN WE'RE GONNA STARTTO DOUBT

IT EVER ACTUALLY HAPPENEDIN THE FIRST PLACE.

WE DON'T ENGAGEIN ANYTHING ANYMORE.

NO ONE WATCHES ANYTHING.

THEY JUST WANT TO MAKE SURETHEY RECORD IT FOR POSTERITY.

THAT SEEMS TO TAKE THE DIGNITYOUT OF ANY EVENT,

AND IT WOULD HAVE ALTEREDHISTORY

IF WE WERE TO BEHAVELIKE THAT.

LOOK AT THE CRUCIFIXION.

(laughter)

I PROMISE YOU IF THIS TECHNOLOGYHAD BEEN AROUND THEN,

ALL YOU'D HAVE SEENUNDERNEATH JESUS CHRIST

WAS PEOPLE DOING THIS.

"OH, THIS IS GREAT.

(applause)"THIS IS FANTASTIC STUFF.

"OH, WOW.THIS IS GREAT.

"DOUBLE RAINBOW.

"DOUBLE--I'M GETTING THIS.

"I'M GETTING IT.I GOT IT.

"I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

"LET ME JUSTUPLOAD THIS NOW.

I'VE DONE IT."

AND YET, WE'RE NOW SO JADEDBY EVERYTHING,

SO UNIMPRESSED BY ANYTHINGWE SEE THAT EVEN THAT MOMENT,

EVEN THE POETRY OF THAT MOMENT,

"MY GOD, MY GOD,WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?"

IF YOU WERE TO UPLOADTHAT TO YOUTUBE

AND SCROLL DOWNINTO THE COMMENTS,

I PROMISE YOU,THE ONLY THING YOU WOULD READ

WOULD BE"THIS SU-U-U-CKS."

"THIS IS S-O-O-O G-A-AY."

NOW, LOOK, LOOK,

I THINK WE'RE ALL AWARETHAT JOKE HAS SPLIT THE ROOM.

(laughter)

LARGELY BETWEENTHOSE PEOPLE GOING TO HEAVEN

AND THE REST OF US.

SO, ALL RIGHT.OKAY, POINT TAKEN.

RACE.

(laughter)NOW, WHERE--

WHERE ARE WE IN TERMSOF RACE RELATIONS?

THAT'S A DIFFICULT QUESTIONTO ANSWER, ISN'T IT?

EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN IDEA.

YET SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME,RECENTLY,

WHICH I THINK PINPOINTSEXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.

I WAS IN D.C.,AND I WAS WALKING BACK

TO MY HOTELWITH TWO OF MY FRIENDS

WHO BOTH HAPPEN TO BEAFRICAN-AMERICAN,

AND I AM ENTIRELY SUPPORTIVEOF THAT CHOICE.

I THINK IT'S GREAT.I'VE TOLD THEM THAT.

I THINK IT'S GREAT.I THINK HE'S VERY BRAVE.

AND THEY SHOULD JUST KEEP--KEEP ON KEEPING ON.

THAT'S WHAT I--PERSONALLY, I THINK.

AND THEN THE FRONT OF THE HOTEL,THERE WAS TWO GLASS DOORS,

AND THEY WERE BOTH SLIGHTLYAHEAD OF ME AS WE GOT THERE,

AND THEY BOTH REACHED OUTAND TOOK A DOOR AND OPENED IT,

AND JUST INSTINCTIVELY,I JUST WALKED STRAIGHT THROUGH.

(laughter)

AND I SAID TO THEM, "WOW,THAT FELT (bleep) AMAZING."

AND THEY LAUGHED AND SAID,"YEAH, I BET IT DID.

"I BET IT DID.

UNFORTUNATELY, YOU WERE BORN100 YEARS TOO LATE."

AND I SAID, "WELL, NOT EVEN 100IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

"COME ON, I MEAN, 50 YEARSWOULD HAVE STILL COMFORTABLY

PUT ME ON THE SWEET SPOT."

AND WE WERE HAVINGTHIS TERRIBLE CONVERSATION.

THREE FRIENDS LAUGHING,HAVING THIS APPALLING DISCUSSION

AS WE WERE WALKING DOWNTHE STAIRS INTO THE HOTEL LOBBY.

AND AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRSSTANDING ON HIS OWN,

HAVING HEARDEVERY SINGLE WORD WAS--

I PROMISE YOU THIS IS TRUE--THE REVEREND JESSIE JACKSON.

(laughter)

(applause)

IT WAS LIKE WATCHINGTHE ENTIRETY OF BLACK HISTORY

CROSS OVER ONE MAN'S FACEIN A SECOND.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A MANWHO WAS STANDING

NEXT TO MARTIN LUTHER KINGWHEN HE WAS SHOT?

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

"DOES THIS NOT IN A WAY SHOWHOW FAR WE'VE COME, REVEREND?

"DOES THIS NOT REALLY SHOWTHAT ALL YOUR WORK PAID OFF?

"THIS RELATIONSHIP HERE?

"SHOULD YOU NOT BE HAPPYABOUT THIS, REVEREND?

"AND IF YOU ARE HAPPY,DO YOU MIND TELLING YOUR FACE?

'CAUSE YOU LOOK VERY ANGRY."

ANOTHER INCIDENT HAPPENED,I WAS JUST--

THIS WAS JUST A FEW WEEKS AGOHERE IN NEW YORK.

I HAPPENED TO RUN INTO ANOTHERFRIEND OF MINE

WHO AGAIN HAPPENS TO BEAFRICAN-AMERICAN.

WE STARTED SHAKING HANDSAND HE WANTED TO MOVE

THE HANDSHAKEINTO ONE OF THOSE HANDSHAKES,

BUT I DON'T--I DON'T PERSONALLYLIKE TO DO THAT, THOSE.

I DON'T THINKI CAN CARRY THEM OFF.

AND SO I STARTED FIGHTING HIMBACK DOWN INTO THIS

AND HE STARTED FIGHTINGEVEN HARDER TO BEND IT UP

AND WE STARTED GETTING INVOLVEDIN THIS IMPROMPTU ARM WRESTLE

ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET.

AND I REALIZED IT WAS LIKE WEWERE PHYSICALLY EMBODYING

THE STRUGGLE OF THE 1950s.

IT WAS JUST, "PLEASE, PLEASE,I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!"

"NO, THE WORLD IS CHANGING.YOU HAVE TO CHANGE WITH IT."

"I KNOW,BUT NOT AT THIS PACE!

PLEASE, LET ME DO ITAT MY OWN SPEED!"

"NO, YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT,AND THEN NOTHING CHANGES!"

"BUT IT'LL GO TOO FAR.

"YOU'LL DO THE SLAPPY THINGWITH SOME FLICKS

AND IT WON'T RESEMBLETHE HANDSHAKE I GREW UP WITH!"

(laughter and applause)

I'VE ALWAYS--

AND I KNOW THATMIGHT SEEM STRANGE

COMING FROM SOMEONEQUITE AS WHITE AS I AM.

NO. (chuckles)I'M REALLY WHITE.

I'M ENGLISH WHITE.THAT'S BASICALLY TURBO WHITE.

(laughter)

MY SKINIS BORDERLINE TRANSLUCENT.

IF I'M STANDING AND THE SUNIS BEHIND ME,

I'M A FUNCTIONING X-RAY

BUT I'VE ALWAYS--

I LIVED IN A VERYMULTICULTURAL PLACE GROWING UP.

I FEEL VERY CREEPED OUTWHENEVER I'M IN TOWNS OR CITIES

THAT ARE ALL WHITE PEOPLE,AND THAT'S ME.

I FEEL THAT WAY.

WHENEVER I GO TO A TOWNTHAT'S ALL WHITE,

ALL I CAN THINK IS,WHAT ARE WE UP TO HERE?

(laughter)

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

I DON'T LIKE THIS ONE BIT.

EVEN WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY,

MY FAVORITE COMEDIANWAS RICHARD PRYOR.

I HAD ALL OF HIS ALBUMSWHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

AND I USED TO LISTEN TO THEMEVERY NIGHT

BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP,AND CONSEQUENTLY,

I KNEW ALL OF RICHARD PRYOR'SALBUMS OFF BY HEART.

AND BELIEVE ME,YOU HAVE NOT HEARD

THE COMEDY OF RICHARD PRYORUNTIL YOU HAVE HEARD IT

SECONDHAND THROUGH THE VOICE

OF AN 11-YEAR-OLDWHITE BRITISH BOY.

(laughter)

YOU REALLY HAVEN'T.

YOU HONESTLY HAVEN'T.

(high-pitched) BLACK PEOPLEBE HOLDING THEY (bleep) JACK.

THEY BE LIKE,"(bleep) WHAT IT IS."

(normal voice)OH, NO, NO, NO, JOHN.

NO.THAT IS NOT OKAY.

THE WORLDIS NOT READY FOR THIS.

I TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND FOR MONTHSIN ADVANCE, MONTHS,

I SAID, "BABY, ALL I WANTFROM YOU THIS YEAR IS AN XBOX.

"THAT'S IT.

BEGINNING AND END OF LIST--THE XBOX."

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GOT ME?

A HOMEMADE FRAMEWITH A PICTURE OF US...

(laughter)

FROM OUR FIRST DATE TOGETHER.

(crowd aws)

WHICH WAS FINE.

(laughter)

BECAUSE I GOT HER AN XBOX.

(laughter and applause)

GOOD CROWD.

MY GIRLFRIEND MAKES MEWANNA BE A BETTER PERSON

SO I CAN GETA BETTER GIRLFRIEND.

(laughter)

(applause)

MY LITTLE BROTHERIS IN SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.

AND WE WERE CLOSE,

BUT SOMETIMESHE'LL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT.

LIKE THE OTHER DAY HE CALLS MEUP AND GOES,

"ANTHONY, I JUST CUT SCHOOLFOR NO REASON,

"AND NOW I NEED YOUTO WRITE ME A SICK NOTE

"AND THENFORGE DAD'S SIGNATURE.

AND MAKE IT GOOD."

I DID MY BEST,

BUT I'M HORRIBLEAT STUFF LIKE THAT.

TEACHER TOOK ONE LOOKAT THE NOTE AND SAID,

"MIKEY, YOU EXPECT METO BELIEVE THIS?

YOU DON'T HAVE AIDS."

(laughter)

NOW... IF YOU GUYS LIKE THAT AIDS JOKE...

(laughter)

I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS.

YOU ARE GONNA DO BACKFLIPS...

OVER THIS NEXT AIDS JOKE.

I JUST GOT A LETTER FROMAN EX-GIRLFRIEND OF MINE

TELLING ME THAT SHE HAS AIDS.

AND I DIDN'T KNOWHOW TO COMFORT HER.

SO I JUST WROTE BACK,"I KNOW."

(laughter)

MY GIRLFRIEND NOWIS PRETTY COOL.

ONE OF THE GOOD ONES,I THINK.

IF I HAD TO NITPICK,I'D SAY SOMETIMES

SHE'SA LITTLE TOO SENSITIVE.

LIKE THE OTHER DAYSHE GOT HER HAIR CUT,

GOT TWO INCHES TRIMMEDOFF OF HER HAIR

AND THEN CAME HOMEAND CRIED ABOUT IT

FOR TWO HOURS.

OVER A HAIRCUT.I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

SO FINALLY, I WENT TO HER.I SAID, "BABY,

WHAT ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT?IT'S JUST A HAIRCUT.

I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOTTA FINDA NEW GIRLFRIEND."

(laughter)

SHE GOT MAD.

SHE GOT REALLY MAD,LIKE--SHE GOT REALLY MAD

LIKE, A MONTH AGO'CAUSE SHE HAD E-MAILED ME

A NAKED PICTURE OF HERSELF,

WHICH IS A NICE THINGTO DO.

BUT THEN I MESSED UP

AND I ACCIDENTALLYFORWARDED THAT E-MAIL

TO BOTH OF MY PARENTS.

NOW,MY GIRLFRIEND IS FURIOUS,

LIKE, MORTIFIED,BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE

'CAUSE NOW I'VE GOTTO CALL UP MY MOTHER AND SAY,

"MOM, I AM SO SORRY.

THAT PICTUREWAS JUST FOR DAD."

HE KEEPS ON LOSING HIS KEYS.

CAN'T HANG ON TO A SET OF KEYSTO SAVE HIS LIFE,

AND HE HAS TRIED EVERYTHING,TOO.

LITTLE HOOK NEXT TO THE DOOR,LITTLE BOWL NEXT TO HIS BED,

KEY CHAIN MAKES A NOISEWHEN YOU WHISTLE.

NOTHING WORKED.

SO FINALLY,THIS YEAR FOR HIS BIRTHDAY

THE WHOLE FAMILY CHIPPED IN,

AND WE PUT HIM IN A HOME.

(laughter)

(applause)

MY DADWAS A COMPLICATED MAN.

HE WAS, LIKE--HE WAS A HUGERACIST, MY DAD.

HUGE RACIST,BUT HE STILL TRIED TO BE

A GOOD FATHER,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HE WOULD TELL METHAT SANTA CLAUSE WAS BLACK.

THAT WAY WHEN I FOUND OUTHE DIDN'T EXIST,

WOULDN'T BE THAT BIG A LETDOWN,YOU KNOW?

(laughter and groaning)

SOME PEOPLEGET WEIRD ABOUT THAT JOKE.

(laughter)

THEY THINK IT'S RACIST.IT'S NOT.

IT'S ABOUTRACISM.

(laughter)

WHICH IS BETTER.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAWIS A STATE TROOPER

IN THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

HE TOLD ME THE ONLY WAYHE WOULD EVER LET SOMEONE

OUT OF A DUI IS IFTHEY GAVE HIM A (bleep).

I SAID, "HEY, SCUMBAG.

"YOU'RE MARRIEDTO MY SISTER.

JUST GIVE ME THE DUI."

(laughter)

(applause)

I FEEL LIKE THAT JOKEIS, LIKE, ALMOST THERE.

I JUST NEED TO FINDA WAY TO MAKE IT RACIST.

(laughter)

I'VE GOT A LONG HISTORYOF SUICIDE IN MY FAMILY.

THE GOOD NEWS IS,IT SKIPS A GENERATION,

SO IF I'M LUCKY,

MY KIDSWILL KILL THEMSELVES.

(laughter)

MY SISTER JUST HAD A BABY,A LITTLE NEWBORN.

KID IS ADORABLE, SO CUTE.

SHE WON'T LET ME HOLD HIM.SHE REFUSES.

SHE SAYS, "NO WAY, ANTHONY.

I'M AFRAIDYOU'RE GONNA DROP HIM."

I'M 32 YEARS OLD.

LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF IDIOT.

LIKE I DON'T HAVEA MILLION OTHER WAYS

TO HURT THAT BABY.

(laughter)

BUT I THINK I STUMBLEDUPON A SOLUTION

FOR SOME OF OUR PROBLEMSIN THE MIDDLE EAST.

I WAS IN THE SHOWER,

AND MY BEST IDEAS COME TO MEMID-LOOFAH.

SUDSING UP THE CHEST HAIR.LADIES.

AND IT OCCURRED TO METHAT OUR ENEMIES OVER THERE

WERE SMALL GROUPSOF FUNDAMENTALISTS

BRAINWASHING CHILDREN,BRAINWASHING THEM.

THEY'RE 12-,13-YEAR-OLD KIDS

BEING TAUGHT, "DEATH TO AMERICA.DEATH TO AMERICA,"

AND THAT'S THE AGE.13 IS THE AGE TO GET SOMEBODY.

HALF THE REASON ANYONEIN MY GENERATION SMOKES

IS 'CAUSE AT 13 WE WEREINTRODUCED TO A CAMEL

WITH A PENIS FOR A HEAD.

"I GOTTA TRY.I GOTTA TRY IT."

SO ALL WE HAVE TO DOIS PRESENT SOMETHING

TO THESE KIDSTHAT'S SLIGHTLY MORE ENTICING

THAN HATE,WHICH SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD

SINCE THEY'RE GROWING UP INTHE SAME TOWN AS LUKE SKYWALKER.

LOOK HOW BADLYHE WANTED OUT.

AND HE HAD TWO SUNSETS.

(laughter)

HE DID.

SO HERE'S A NEW STRATEGY.

PHASE ONE--FLY OVERTHE MIDDLE EAST,

AND WE DROP HD TVsAND NINTENDOS.

(imitates impacts)

THEY'RE CHILDREN.THEY'RE GONNA LOVE VIDEO GAMES.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

THEY DON'T FEEL LIKE LISTENINGTO THEIR PARENTS SO MUCH,

KINDA LIKE OUR KIDS.

"ACHMED, IT'S TIMETO TRAIN FOR FATWA."

"IN A SECOND, DAD.

TRYING TO LEVEL UPON WII ZELDA."

UH-OH, LITTLE TENSION,KINDA LIKE OUR HOUSES.

BY THE WAY, WII IS LIKETHE BIGGEST AGE BAROMETER

OF ALL TIME.

NOTHING SAYS YOU'RE OVER 30LIKE PULLING A HAMMY

PLAYING WII TENNIS,LIKE, "OH, JESUS."

SO NOW WE GOT THESE KIDSKIND OF ADDICTED TO VIDEO GAMES

LIKE OUR KIDS.

THEN WE HIT THEM PHASE TWO--THE JUNK FOOD PHASE.

(imitates impacts)

AND I DON'T MEAN JUNK FOOD,I MEAN THE KIND OF STUFF

THAT ADULTS CAN ONLY EATWHEN THEY'RE INTOXICATED.

YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHY DON'TI EAT THIS EVERY DAY?"

AND IT'S LIKE, "I'LL TELL YOUIN THE MORNING."

WE'VE ALL HAD THAT NIGHTWHERE YOU WAKE UP,

KIND OF LIKE A WEREWOLF DOESIN HIS CAVE AFTER A RAMPAGE.

"WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?"

THERE'S JUST ANIMAL CARCASSESALL OVER THE PLACE,

BUT FOR ME IT'S LIKEI OPEN MY EYES

AND I LOOK TO MY LEFT,

AND THERE'S LIKEA 7-11 HOT DOG WRAPPER.

NO! DEAR GOD, NO!

OH, MY GOD, SPAGHETTIOSWITH THE SPOON IN THE CAN!

AAH!

I DIDN'T EVEN HEAT IT.I DIDN'T EVEN HEAT IT UP!

(laughter)

THE DEVILWAS IN MY BONES LAST NIGHT.

THE DEVIL.

NOW YOU GOT FATVIDEO-GAME JUNKIE KIDS,

KINDA LIKE OUR KIDS.

THEY DON'T WANT TO TRAINTO BE TERRORISTS.

HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED THE NEWS?TERRORISTS TRAIN ON MONKEY BARS.

FAT KIDS HATE PLAYGROUNDS.THAT'S A FACT.

THAT IS A WIKIPEDIABLE FACT.

THEN YOU HIT THEMWITH PHASE THREE,

THE MOST OBVIOUS PHASE--MEDICAL GRADE MARIJUANA.

(imitates impact)

EVERYWHERE.JUST PEPPER THE JOINT.

YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO LABEL IT.THEY'RE TEENAGERS.

THEY'LL FIGURE OUTWHAT TO DO WITH IT.

THEY ALWAYS DO.IT'S IN THEIR DNA, YOU KNOW.

"I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFOREBUT SOMETHING SAYS

I SHOULD CARVE A PIPE OUTOF AN APPLE AND SMOKE IT."

(laughter)

"I'M IN."

NOW OUR ENEMY, WHICH USEDTO BE YOUNG BOYS LEARNING

"DEATH TO AMERICA" ARE STONED,

FAT, VIDEO GAME JUNKIESWHO WANT NOTHING TO DO

WITH THEIR PARENTS,OR ANYONE, FOR THAT MATTER.

THEY'RE DONE.

"ACHMED, IT'S TIMETO BLOW YOURSELF UP."

"(bleep) YOU, DAD.

"I DON'T WANT TOBLOW MYSELF UP.

"I KNOW GRANDPA BLEWHIMSELF UP,

"AND YOU'RE GONNA BLOWYOURSELF UP,

BUT I WANNA BE AN ARTIST."

"NO! NO!"

AND THEN IT'S JUST CHAOSIN THE HOUSE.

EVERYONE SCREAMING AND YELLINGJUST LIKE AT OUR HOUSES.

YOU KNOW,THE MOM'S CRYING,

BUT JUST THE BURQA'S WET 'CAUSEYOU CAN ONLY SEE HER EYES.

THAT'S NOT RACIST.IT'S A CULTURAL FACT.

AND THE KID'S THROWINGA TANTRUM,

HE RUNS UP TO HIS ROOMAND LIKE SLAMS THE STRAW DOOR

AND PUTS ON LOUD SITAR MUSIC.

(imitates wailing sitar)

IT'S PANDEMONIUM!

I GOT SOME JOKES THATI'M A TELL YOU ALL

REAL QUICK, AND, UH...

(laughter)

(mumbling)

I'M NO GOOD IN A STRIP CLUB.

YOU TAKE ME TO A STRIP CLUB,

I'M GONNA MESSTHE WHOLE NIGHT UP.

'CAUSE I FEEL SORRYFOR THEM WOMEN.

I BE TRYING TO SAVE THEM,YOU KNOW? FOR REAL.

LIKE MY FRIENDS TOOK METO A STRIP CLUB,

AND THIS GIRL CAME UP TO ME,SHE WAS LIKE,

"HEY, BIG DADDY,YOU WANT A LAP DANCE?"

I WAS LIKE, "YUP,ME AN JESUS."

(laughter)

HE'S EVERYWHERE.

(laughter)

(laughter)

I WENT TO GO SEE THIS MOVIECALLED "MY SOUL TO TAKE."

IT WAS IN 3-D.

IT WAS THE WORST MOVIEIN THE WORLD.

FOR REAL, ME AND THIS GIRLWENT TO GO SEE IT,

AND I'M SITTING THERE LIKE--WE SITTING HERE

FOR AN HOUR AND HALFWITH THESE 3D GLASSES ON,

I'M LIKE, "THIS SUPPOSEDTO BE IN 3-D?

AIN'T NOTHING EVEN IN 3-D,"AND THE GIRL I WAS WITH,

SHE WAS LIKE, "YEAH,THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER.

"AIN'T NOTHING IN 3-D.

"AIN'T NOTHING CAMEIN MY FACE YET.

I WISH SOMETHIN' WOULD COME IN MY FACE."

AND I WAS LIKE, HMM.

I GOT 3-D AT HOME."

(laughter)

I DON'T TRUST A BLACK MANWHO AIN'T GOT A MUSTACHE.

(laughter)

I DON'T.

IF YOU'RE A BLACK MAN,YOU AIN'T GOT NO MUSTACHE,

DON'T SAY NOTHING TO ME,YOU CREEPY.

IT'S SOMETHING WEIRD.FOR REAL, MAN.

YOU GOTTA HAVE A MUSTACHE,LIKE WHITE GUYS,

Y'ALL COOL WHEN Y'ALL CUTY'ALL MUSTACHES OFF,

BUT BLACK DUDES,THEY DON'T LOOK RIGHT.

IT'S SOMETHING WRONG,YOU KNOW?

I DID A COMMERCIALWITH RAJON RONDO

WHO PLAY FOR THE BOSTON CELTICS,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I DID A COMMERCIAL WITH HIM,AND SOON AS HE CAME

INTO THE ROOM HE WAS LIKE,"DEON, YOU'RE FUNNY AS HELL,"

I WAS LIKE, "WHERE THE (bleep)IS YOUR 'STASH AT?"

(laughter)

"TELL ME HOW FUNNY I AM.WHERE'S YOUR 'STASH, BOY?"

(laughter)

I DON'T TRUST NOBODYWHO WEAR ALL WHITE NEITHER.

YOU EVER SEE THESE PEOPLE?

THEY COME OUT OF THEIR HOUSE,ALL-WHITE JACKET,

ALL-WHITE SHIRT, ALL-WHITE BELT,PANTS, SHOES, SOCKS--

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARETHAT YOU NOT

GONNA GET DIRTY TODAY,HUH?

(laughter)

YOU THAT RESPONSIBLE TODAY

THAT YOU AIN'T GONNA LEANON NOTHING AND GET DIRTY?

I OUGHT TO KICK YOUIN YOUR BACK AND SEND YOU HOME.

(laughter)

(laughter and applause)

WHEN I MOVED OUT TO L.A.THEY TOLD ME I HAD TO WORK OUT.

AND I WAS LIKE,"I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT,"

AND THEY GAVE ME THIS TRAINER,AND THE DUDE WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU GOTTA WORK OUT,YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR TRI'S

"AND BI'S AND ALL THAT.

"THE MOST IMPORTANT THING--YOU CAN'T EAT LATE AT NIGHT

OR YOU'LL GET FAT."

AND I'M LIKE, "FORGET THAT.

YOU SUPPOSEDTO EAT LATE AT NIGHT."

HE WAS LIKE,"NO, YOU NOT."

I'M LIKE, "BUT WHY DID THEY PUTA LIGHT IN THE REFRIGERATOR?"

(laughter)

TOO SMART FOR THEM CHUMPS.

AND THERE'S A LOTOF WOMEN OUT IN L.A., MAN,

THEY GOT PHONY BREASTS.

I MEAN, THAT'S COOL BUT,YOU KNOW,

I AIN'T THAT KIND OF GUY.

IF I'M MAKING LOVE TO A WOMAN,SHE'S GOT PHONY BREASTS,

AND THEY SITTING THERELIKE TWO STIFF-ASS ROCKS,

I DON'T LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THAT PLANE-PROPELLEREFFECT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,FELLAS?

YOU KNOW, YOU GOING OFF,

AND THEY'RE SWINGINGAROUND LIKE THAT.

TRYING TO HIT HERIN THE HEAD WITH 'EM.

(laughter)

I LIKE TO DO IT REAL FASTBY THE WINDOW

SO I COULD SAVE MY GAS MONEY,SHE FLY HOME.

(laughter)

"CALL ME."OKAY, COOL.

ANOTHER THING BEING IN L.A.,IT'S A LOT OF PORN STARS

OUT THERE TOO,YOU KNOW, IT IS.

AND THEY COME TO MY SHOWSA LOT.

THERE'S THIS ONE PORN STAR,

HE GO BY THE NAMEOF WESLEY PIPES.

(laughter)

HE BE WRECKING WOMEN, TOO, MAN.HE BE GOING OFF.

BUT IT BE SO FUNNY 'CAUSE WHENHE HAS SEX WITH THEM,

HE BE TALKING CASH (bleep).

BUT THE STUFF HE'D BE SAYINGBE SO FUNNY

YOU CAN'T EVEN JACK OFF RIGHT

'CAUSE YOU BE TOO BUSY LAUGHINGAT WHAT HE BE SAYING.

LIKE, HE WAS HITTINGTHIS ONE GIRL ONE TIME,

HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU LIKEALL THAT THANG, IN THERE?

"HUH?TAKE ALL THAT THANG IN THERE.

"I KNOW YOU LIKE ALL THATTHANG IN THERE, DON'T YOU?

"TAKE ALL THAT THANGIN THERE.

"MAKE THAT THANG DISAPPEAR.

"OH, WHAT YOU DOINGWITH MY THANG GIRL?

WHERE MY THANG AT?"

I'M AT HOME, LIKE,"WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?

I AIN'T NEVERSAYING NOTHING LIKE THAT.

I KINDA LIKE THAT,THOUGH.

I THINK I'M GONNA STARTTALKING LIKE THAT."

I RAN INTO HIMON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS HIM.I JUST BUMPED INTO HIM.

I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME,"AND I LOOKED,

AND I WAS LIKE,"(gasps) WESLEY PIPES?"

WHAT WAS WEIRD WASHE KNEW ME.

HE WAS LIKE, "DUDE,YOU A COMEDIAN, AIN'T YOU?"

HE WAS LIKE, "YOU FUNNY AS HELL.I GOT YOU ON TAPE."

I WAS LIKE,"I GOT YOU ON TAPE, TOO."

(laughter and applause)

SHOOK HIS HAND.HIS HAND WAS WET AS HELL.

I WAS LIKE, "I HOPEHE AIN'T JUST GET OFF WORK."

USUALLY A COMEDIAN LEAVE ONA REAL BIG JOKE AT THE END

WHERE THEY GO, "HUH-HUH-HUH.HAH! GOOD NIGHT!"

AND EVERYBODY BE LIKE,"HAAA!"

I'M JUST GONNA GO.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

I GOT HIGH FOR THE FIRSTAND LAST TIME EVER THIS...

(audience member claps)ALL RIGHT. PERFECT.THANK YOU.

LIKE HE WORKS ON COMMISSIONOR SOMETHING.

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH,THEY BOUGHT IT FROM ME.

I GET 3% OF THAT."

IT'S THE LAST TIME ALSO.

DON'T GET COCKY OVER THERE.

I'M NOT GONNA HANG OUT WITH YOU,IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.

(laughter)

I HAD NEVER DONE IT.I WAS WITH A GIRL.

SHE HAD NEVER DONE IT.SO I SAID LET'S DO IT.

LET'S DO IT.I'M GONNA GET SOME POT.

WE'RE GONNA DO SOME POT.WE'RE GONNA GET HIGH ON POT.

(laughter)

SHE GOES, "WE'RE NOT GONNAGET ANY IF YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT.

I FEEL LIKE YOU'REA COP RIGHT NOW."

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO HASA MEDICAL MARIJUANA CARD,

WHICH MEANS HE CAN LEGALLYACQUIRE MARIJUANA

AND ILLEGALLY GIVE IT TO MEIN A CHIPOTLE PARKING LOT.

(laughter)

WHICH IS WHAT WE DID.

HE GOT US TWO RICE KRISPIESTREATS WITH WEED IN 'EM

OR WEED TREATSWITH RICE KRISPIES ON 'EM.

I'M NOT SURE HOW THEY LISTTHE INGREDIENTS.

SHE SAID, "WE SHOULDPROBABLY ONLY EAT HALF,"

AND I SAID, "YOU'RE RIGHT.

BUT LET'S EAT THEM ALLAND SEE WHAT HAPPENS."

AND--'CAUSE I KNEW WHAT'SGOING TO HAPPEN.

SHE'S A SMALLER PERSON.IT'S GONNA HIT HER FIRST.

I'M GONNA GET TO WATCHWHILE IT HAPPENS--

SHE'S THE GHOSTOF MARIJUANA FUTURE.

I CAN JUST OBSERVE.

SHE STARTS LICKING HER LIPS

AND SMACK--AND LICKING MOST OF HER FACE.

LET'S BE HONEST.

AND THEN SHE GOES,"I DON'T THINK IT'S HIT ME YET."

"WELL, I HOPE IT HAS BECAUSEIF YOU DO THAT NORMALLY,

I'M LEAVING."

(laughter)

THEN SHE STARTED LAUGHING.

OBVIOUSLY,I KNEW THAT WAS COMING.

I'VE SEEN AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIALS.I KNOW LAUGHTER HAPPENS.

I CAN'T WAIT TO LAUGH.I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

THEN I START LAUGHING,

SHE STARTED CRYINGHYSTERICALLY.

BUT I COULD NOT STOPLAUGHING.

(laughter)

I DIDN'T LIKE IT.I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

AT ONE POINT,I FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE.

DID YOU KNOW--DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD DO THAT?

I HAD TO SAY ALOUD,"BREATHE IN!"

AND THENI ONLY BREATHED IN.

(laughter)

SO I SAID, "WE'RE NOT GOOD.WE'RE NOT GOOD AT BEING HIGH.

YOU SUCK AT IT. I SUCK AT IT.LET'S GO TO SLEEP."

DRUGS CAN'T GET YOUIN YOUR SLEEP.

(laughter)

THAT'S WHEN I LEARNEDIF YOU JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP,

IT'S NOT TRUE.

(laughter)

I KNOW HOW MUCHYOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DRINK.

I HAVE A LITTLE SISTER,GREAT PERSON,

NO IDEA WHAT HER LEVELS ARE.

SHE DRANK SO MUCH LAST YEAR,SHE WAS REPORTED MISSING.

I SWEAR TO GOD.SHE'S ALL RIGHT NOW.

THAT WOULD BE WEIRDIF I WAS LIKE,

"AND IF YOU'VE SEEN HER..."

(laughter)

"E-MAIL ME OR WHATEVER.

I'VE GOT HER PHONE CHARGER."

SHE WENT HOME WITH A GUY.THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

HER PHONE DIED,AND SHE WENT HOME WITH A GUY.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'REIN YOUR 20s AND 30s

AND 40s IF YOU'RE GOOD AT IT.

SHE WENT HOME WITH A GUY,BUT MY MOM PANICKED

'CAUSE SHE HADN'T HEARDFROM HER IN HOURS

AND SHE CALLED THE COPS,AND THE COPS WERE LOOKING

FOR MY SISTER, AND THEY STARTEDQUESTIONING PEOPLE

AND THEY FIND OUTWHERE SHE WAS.

THEY DON'T JUST DROPTHE CASE RIGHT THEN.

IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

THEY GO TO THE GUY'S HOUSE,AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR,

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE'S AT?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "YEAH,SHE'S RIGHT HERE."

THEN THEY TAKE HERAND PUT HER IN THE COP CAR,

AND THEY LEAVE,AND SHE WAS ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.

THE EVEN BETTER NEWSIS THAT I'VE HAD A FEW

ONE-NIGHT STANDS IN MY DAY,

AND I REMEMBER WAKING UPTHINKING, "HOW AM I GONNA GET

THIS BROAD OUTTA MY HOUSE?"

(laughter)

THE COPSWILL DO THAT FOR YOU?

IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT,

YOUR TAX DOLLARSWILL TAKE CARE OF IT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FASTHE WENT FROM CONFUSED TO HAPPY?

HE'S LIKE, "YOU CAN'T BARGE--YOU'RE COOL.

AND SHE'S GOOD WITH THEM,AND THAT'S PRETTY EXCITING.

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS YET.

I DON'T KNOW WHENI'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM.

I DON'T THINK I'M READY.

I ACCIDENTALLY THREW A KIDINTO A CEILING ONE TIME.

I SWEAR THE GOD.IT WAS PURE ACCIDENT.

I WASN'T LIKE, "I CAN HIT THAT,"AND DIPPED HIS HEAD

IN BLUE CHALK LIKE AQUARTERBACK COMPETITION.

I WAS THROWING HIM UPIN THE AIR,

AND I WAS CATCHING HIM,YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE BABIES ARE DUMBAND THEY LOVE IT.

I DON'T EVEN CARE.MAYBE THEY'RE NOT DUMB.

I WOULD LOVE IT.

IF SOMEONE HERE COULD DO ITTO ME TONIGHT, I WOULD LET YOU.

(laughter an applause)

SO I'M THROWING HIM UPIN THE AIR,

AND I'M CATCHING HIM AND IT'SGOING GREAT FOR BOTH OF US.

UNTIL I WALK FROM THE KITCHENTO THE HALLWAY,

WHICH MEANT I WENTFROM A 14-FOOT CEILING

TO A 7-FOOT CEILINGBUT I THREW HIM

AT A 14-FOOT RATE OF SPEED.

(laughter)

I'VE NEVER MET MOST OF YOU,BUT I'M GOING TO ASSUME

THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEAWHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE

WHEN BABY MEETS CEILING.

IT'S A DULL NOISE.

WE HIT A STUDOR A FLOOR JOIST, SOMETHING--

HE'S PROBABLY2 INCHES SHORTER,

CAN'T SEE REDOR TASTE PEPPERONI.

JUST AWFUL.

AND HE STARTED CRYING,AND I FELT BAD.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, BABY...

THAT'S ON ME, YOU KNOW?THAT WAS MY BAD."

AND THEN I PUT HIM DOWNAND WALKED AWAY

BEFORE ANY OTHER ADULTSSAW WHAT HAPPENED.

I'M NOT GOING DOWNFOR THIS ONE, BABY.

I WOULDN'T HAVE SAIDWHAT HAPPENED

IF HE HAD ACTUALLY STUCKIN THE CEILING

JUST DANGLING THEREWITH HIS GIANT HEAD

JAMMED IN BETWEEN INSULATIONAND SHEETROCK.

I'D HAVE BEEN LIKE,"HE--HE CAN JUMP!

"WE NEED HEAVIER BABY SHOES.

VOTE FOR MEFOR HEAVIER BABY SHOES."

I DON'T KNOW WHO I'M GONNAMAKE A BABY WITH.

I'M TRYING TO FINDTHE RIGHT WOMAN.

WOMEN. I DON'T CARE.

I KNOW WHAT I'M ATTRACTEDTO.

IT'S A LONG LIST.

ONE THING I'M ATTRACTED--I LIKE A GIRL WITH A TATTOO.

I FOUND THAT OUT.

(audience member hoots)A SEXY TATTOO,IT HAS TO BE A SEXY ONE.

DON'T GET COCKY.

I DON'T NEED A TEARDROP

WHERE YOU STABBED A GIRLIN THE JOINT OR SOMETHING.

PUT A LITTLE THOUGHT INTO IT.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

DON'T HAVE YOUR KIDSFOOTPRINTS

FROM WHEN HE WAS 12OR SOMETHING.

(laughter)

I ENDED UP WITH A GIRL WHO HADA BUNCH OF TATTOOS ONE NIGHT.

COVERED IN 'EM.THEY WERE ALL NICE.

I LIKED THEM.ONE OF THEM IN HER RIBCAGE.

SHE HAD A TATTOO OF A ZIPPERFROM THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM.

I SAID, "HEY, WHAT'STHAT ZIPPER ALL ABOUT?

WHY DO YOU GOTA ZIPPER TATTOO FOR?"

SHE SAID, "'ZIPPER'WAS MINE AND MY EX-BOYFRIEND'S

"SAFE WORD IN BED.

"WE'D YELL OUT 'ZIPPER'WHEN THINGS GOT OUT OF HAND

SO NO ONE GOT HURT."

"OH, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWYOU COULD GET HURT.

"THAT'S INTERESTING.

I'VE BEEN DOING IT WRONGTHIS WHOLE TIME."

WE STARTED ROMPIN' AROUND.

ABOUT A MINUTE INTO IT,SHE BIT ME ON MY SHOULDER HARD

WITH ALL OF HER--JUST A BIG--

"ZIPPER! ZIPPER!"

I TRIED TO BLOW IN HER NOSE'CAUSE THAT WORKS WITH DOGS.

(laughter and applause)

STOP THAT.

SHE CHOKED ME.

SHE CHOKED ME,AND I'M NOT HERE TO JUDGE YOU.

I DIDN'T FLY OUT TO NEW YORKAND HAVE MY PANTS STEAMED

TO JUDGE YOU PEOPLE.

I DON'T CAREIF YOU CHOKE OR NOT.

IT WAS MY FIRST TIME.

THE ONLY THING I WOULD LIKE--

HOW ABOUT A LITTLEPRE-CHOKE WARNING?

A LITTLE BIT OF, "HEY,IF YOU ENJOY WHAT'S HAPPENING,

I'M GONNA TAKE MY HAND,CUT OFF YOUR OXYGEN SUPPLY."

THAT WAS A LUXURYI WAS NOT AWARDED.

SHE CAUGHT ME ON AN EXHALE.I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.

SHE CHOKED A NOISE OUT OF ME.

A NOISE THAT YOU COULD HEARCAME--

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWIT WAS IN ME.

AND IT WASN'T A SEX NOISE.

IF YOU'RE TRYING TO THINK OF IT,DON'T THINK OF SEX NOISES.

NO ONE HEARD THE NOISEAND WAS LIKE, "THAT'S SEX.

I CAN TELL."

IF ANYONE HEARD IT,THEY WERE LIKE,

"CALL A VETERINARIAN!"

(laughter)

"SOMETHING'S STUCK UPIN THE CRAWLSPACE,

"AND IT'S IN LABOR.

"I CAN TELL.AND IT'S BREECH.

IT'S A BREECH BIG-HEADED,LABOR BABY."

(laughter)

FOLKS, I'M GOING TO TELLYOU ABOUT THE SHOW TONIGHT.

THE SHOWTHAT I'M GONNA PUT ON.

A COUPLE OF THINGS ALWAYSHAPPEN INVARIABLY

WHEN I DO A SHOW,A LIVE SHOW--

I DON'T KNOW WHY,BUT THEY DO HAPPEN.

ONE IS A KNIFE FIGHT.

NO ONE'S GONNA BE HURT,BUT IT'S GONNA BE

A HARROWING EXPERIENCEFOR THOSE THAT ARE INVOLVED.

SECONDLY, HALF OF THIS AUDIENCEIS GONNA WALK OUT

WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON.

DON'T KNOW WHY.DON'T KNOW HOW.

IT JUST HAPPENS.IT JUST HAPPENS.

FOUR DAYS AGO, MY WIFE AND IHAD OUR FIFTH CHILD.

(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. FIVE.

FIVE KIDS.

DON'T KNOW WHY WE DID IT.

(laughter)

WE REALIZED MAYBEWE SHOULDN'T HAVE,

AND THAT'S WHYI'M GONNA TELL YOU TONIGHT,

THAT BABY IS FOR SALE.

BY BEING HERE TONIGHTAT THIS SHOW,

YOU HAVE AN EXCLUSIVEOPPORTUNITY TO BUY MY BABY.

IT IS A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL.HER NAME IS EVE.

I WANT TO START THE BID--I'M GONNA START THE BIDDING

AT $100000, $100000.

WHAT AM I BID? WHAT IS MY BID?4 DAY OLD. 4 DAY OLD.

WHAT AM I BID? JUST GET YOURHANDS IN THE AIR.

WHAT AM I BID? THERE'S ONE BID.$100,000.

NOW 150. NOW, 150.

WOW, THIS IS GOING BETTERTHAN I'D HOPED.

(laughter)

4 DAYS OLD.EYES ARE BLUE.

BLACK HAIR.SUBJECT TO CHANGE.

RIGHT NOW, THAT BABYDOES NOT WALK OR TALK.

LANGUAGE UP TO THE DISCRETIONOF THE PURCHASER.

(laughter)

IT'S EXPENSIVETO RAISE KIDS, RIGHT?

LOT OF MONEY.

SCHOOL,FOOD THEY EAT EVERY DAY.

THREE TIMES A DAY,SOMETIMES MORE.

CLOTHES.

IT'S ILLEGAL TO SEND THEM OUTTHERE NAKED.

MONEY.COLLEGE, MAYBE, RIGHT?

WEDDINGS, MAYBE? YEAH.MY KIDS ARE GOOD-LOOKING.

(laughter)

YOU CAN SEE IT.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE LAUGHING AT.

YOU CAN SEE IT.

THAT'S WHY IN MY FAMILY,WE ENCOURAGE BAD GRADES,

C'S AND D'S.

YOU FAILED A TEST?GOOD FOR YOU.

GET A BOWL OF ICE CREAM.

YOUR KIDS--I LOVE THEM.SOMETIMES THEY MISS ME.

I WAS ON THE ROAD A LOTTHIS SUMMER.

CAME BACK--OUR TWINSARE FOUR YEARS OLD,

IT'S A BOY AND A GIRL,AND WE'RE PLAYING CANDYLAND.

AND LET ME REFRESH YOUON THE RULES OF CANDYLAND.

THE YOUNGEST GOES FIRST--YEAH. YEAH, HUH?

ANYWAY, YOUNGEST GOES FIRSTAND THEN THE NEXT,

SO THE THREE OF USARE PLAYING IT,

BUT MY SON DID NOT WANTMY DAUGHTER,

WHO'S YOUNGER, TO GO FIRST.

HE WANTED TO GO FIRSTFOLLOWED BY ME

AND NOT HER TO PLAY AT ALL.

THEY'RE FOUR.

AND SO AT ONE POINT,HE RAISES HIS HAND LIKE THIS,

"SON, SON, SON, SON.STOP IT,"

AND SO HE RAN TO HIS ROOM.HE WAS UPSET.

WE PLAYED CANDYLAND,MY DAUGHTER AND I.

THEN I NOTICED IT WAS EXTREMELYQUIET IN MY SON'S ROOM.

WHICH MEANS SOMETHING BADIS HAPPENING

OR SOMETHING BADHAS HAPPENED.

SO I GO IN HIS ROOMAND IT'S SUMMERTIME

SO I'M NOT WEARINGANY SHOES,

I WALK IN THERE,AND THE RUG IS WET.

AND I SAID, "SON,WHY IS THE RUG WET?"

AND HE SAID,"MR. BUSINESS PEED."

MR. BUSINESS IS OUR DOG.

AND I CAN'T TELL YOU THE STORYOF HOW IT'S HIS NAME.

WE'LL GET TO THATSOME OTHER DAY,

BUT IT'S A GOOD ONE.

ANYWAY, I SAID,"THAT'S A LOT OF PEE, SON.

I DON'T THINK MR. BUSINESSDID THAT."

HE GOES, "OKAY, I DID IT."

I SAID, "WERE YOU UPSETABOUT CANDYLAND?"

"YES."

"YOU UPSET BECAUSE DAD'S BEENGONE SO MUCH?"

"YES."

"AND DID YOU DO THATBECAUSE YOU MISS DADDY?"

HE SAID, "YES."

I SAID, "I MISS YOU, TOO."

AND I UNZIPPED MY PANTSAND I MADE A PUDDLE

TWICE THE SIZE OF HIS.

(laughter)

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