Michael Che, Iliza Shlesinger, Hari Kondabolu, Michael Ian Black

  • 08/17/2012

Iliza Shlesinger's home is too close to pigeon sex, Hari Kondabolu critiques Super Bowl ads, and Michael Ian Black acknowledges some lingering resentment toward his kids.

they've heard the voice of God.

Now, it's not clear of that36%,

how many people are mistakingthe voice of God for

the voice of Morgan Freeman.

That's, that's an easy mistaketo make.

That's easy to confuse.

"What's that, God?

The penguins went where?"

But I do worry sometimes thatGod gets too much credit,

specifically where thatcredit should actuallybe going to mankind.

Let me explain that.

Last year, I saw the singlegreatest thing I've ever

witnessed in the flesh.

Because of "The Daily Show"I got to go to the final

Space Shuttle launch.

Has anyone here witnessed aSpace Shuttle launch in person?

Really, you have?What did you think?

Man: It was awesome.

It was awesome, it wasawesome. It was awesome.

I would say it was [bleep]awesome.

That's what I think swearwords are for.

If you don't use them, thenwhen do you deploy them?

But we basically agree.

It was the single greatest thingI've ever witnessed in my life.

I nearly cried.

And I was not expecting tofeel that way.

A lot of people theresaid they found it areligious experience.

And I found it the opposite ofthat because it is ungodly.

There is nothing more unnaturalthan a Space Shuttle launch.

It is mankind fighting natureand winning.

Nature is trying to suckus back down to earth and

we fight it by strappingourselves to the top of

a missile, and throughrocket power,

through violence and purefire,

we lift ourselves off theface of the planet,

and in doing so,basically tell Florida

to go [deleted] itself.

As I saw that moment happen,I said the only thing that

was in my heart at themoment.

I shouted out, "holy[bleep]!"

And my phone started buzzing inmy pocket: text, text, text.

When I eventually checked myphone,

it turned out that--completely accidentally,

you have to believe me.

I swear to you this is true,through complete accident.

It turned out I wasstanding directly in

Fox News' live shot.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I grew up in the projects, and

in the middle of our projectsthey build a homeless shelter.

And we used to tease the kidsthat lived in the shelter

'cause they was the only peoplewe knew poorer than us.

And we thought somehow theywere messing up our property

value by being homeless likethis.

I had a friend that livedin the shelter named

Homeless Dave and... wehad another Dave so...

[LAUGHTER]

That's what happens if yougrow up really poor and you

have a common name, we pickthe worst part of your life

and make it your new nickname.

Like, I had a friend we usedto call Robocop for years

because he wore braceson his legs...

[LAUGHTER]

and he walked likeRobocop to us.

It's messed up. Itwasn't his real name.

His real name was Crippled Greg

but we called himRobocop... 'cause...

I don't know.

I was in the hoodrecently and I, uh,

I walked into this bodega andI heard this dude yell out,

"nah, son, get theFiji! Evian is gross!"

I laughed for, like, threedays after that, man.

That's how dope it is to bean American.

Our poor people have specificwater tastes.

All our poor people gotcamera phones.

My nephew's got a cameraphone.

He's ten years old whichsucks for him because I can't

imagine what it must belike for him to go through

a fifth grade math class witha device in his pocket that

could answer all of life'squestions for him...

and show him pictures oftitties in high definition.

You want this kid to payattention in class, really?

He doesn't have attentiondeficit, he's got,

he's got titties in hispocket, is what he's got.

That's why he can't focus,man.

That's too much technologyfor a kid, man.

The closest thing I had to acamera phone when I was ten

was a calculator and I'd sit

I'm so happy to be outtraveling. I love

coming to New York, and I lovejust not being home,

because I, uh, this is sopersonal but I'm gonna tell you

'cause you're here, uh...what else do we have to do?

I can't sleep at my housebecause some pigeons

moved onto the balconyat my house...

it's a ledge but Icall it a balcony.

Put a chair there.

It's also not ahouse. Irrelevant.

And they have pigeon sex,like, all the time.

Yeah, you think it's funny.

It would be fine if it soundedlike pigeons but it doesn't.

See, to me, pigeons havingsex-- when I fantasize about

pigeons having sex-- youwould think it would sound

something like this.

Here we go, pigeons havingsex.

[LOW-PITCHED TRILLING, CLEARSTHROAT]

That sounds like Predator.

That doesn't sound... pigeon atall.

They're both have red eyes.

All right, here we go, pigeonhaving sex.

[COOS]

Right? Oh, what, New York,you're so outdoorsy

all of a sudden?

"No, that's a North AmericanWhitetail Dove.

"Everybody knowsthat. Come on!"

Good ear though, similarmigration pattern.

It doesn't sound like that.

That's what's so frustratingand disturbing.

It's very disconcerting.

Three in the morning, you'redead asleep.

You wake up to this,you're just like...

[MOANS]

[NO DIALOGUE]

[MOANS]

"Oh, Barry!"

It's probably not my pigeons.

Uh, so I can't sleepso I stay up a lot.

I watch a lot of TV and, youknow, I love commercials.

I think they're the bestsketch comedy out there,

so I watch a lot ofcommercials.

And sometimes they havecommercials, they want

you to donate money: save thedogs,

save the cats, save the otherthings.

And sometimes they'll havesave the polar bears, which,

I don't want to sound likea dick but it's just

kind of not a priority forme.

There's so many other thingswe have to worry about:

economy, environment, uh,each other,

manicure, pedicure, polarbears...

I'm not even 1000% sure thatthey exist.

How do you know?

Why, 'cause Coca Cola puts 'emon their can during Christmas?

They also put Santa Claus.What's your [bleep] point?

I think I'm bothered by itthe most because the actual

That usually surprisespeople because,

uh, look at me.

Why would I cheer for mynatural predator?

It's a great Superbowl thisyear not only because of

the game but, of course, for theincredible commercials.

One big achievement inSuperbowl commercials this

year, of course, was theomission of a particular type

of sexist commercial andthat's the commercial where a

man chooses a beer over awoman.

You know, in all thesecommercials? Right?

The archetype is basicallythe man and the woman are

chatting in a bar and all ofa sudden,

he gets distracted and looksaway and will say,

"oh, my God, that's amazing."

And she'll thinkthey're still talking.

So she'll be like,"really, you think so?"

And then he'll be like, "no, notyou, that beer over there.

"Not you, object, that object."

That's basically thatbeer commercial.

Now some of you might bethinking,

"Hari Kondabolu, how do youknow that man was even

interested in that woman?

How do you know that manwasn't a gay alcoholic?"

No, progressive dreamer,we're not there yet.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I thought I would tell you astory tonight,

uh, about my wife and mychildren.

"I thought he was gay!" No.

Married... to a lady... with apenis.

I have two children right now:

eight and eleven and,you know, they're fine.

Uh, well, they are, they'refine, you know, but I... yeah,

I love 'em but I have a lotof,

I have some lingeringresentment towards them,

particularly the older, myson,

whose name I cannot rememberbut...

And it's because when we hadhim,

I was not ready to be aparent.

I don't know that anybody isever fully ready.

I was not ready and this wasa couple of years after I got

married and my wife said,"you know what?

I think we shouldhave kids now."

And I said, "I also think weshould have kids not now."

And I wanted kids, youknow, but I wanted them in

a kind of abstract way like theway I might want a jukebox,

for example.

You know, like you're everreading,

like, "Sky Mall" or somethingand,

like, there's this amazingjukebox and you're like,

"oh, it's a classic jukeboxfrom the '50s.

"That's an amazing jukebox. Iwant to get that jukebox...

"someday."

That's how I was with kids.

And she was like, "but I'mgetting old and I don't

want to be an oldmom," and I'm like,

"but I'm the same age as youand I'm not getting old,

but I understood what shemeant because,

reproductively speaking,ladies,

you peak early.

You are the Frankie Muniz ofgenders.

So you just need to get itdone and because I love her,

I agreed to put a baby inher.

Not literally becauseI wouldn't do that

to her or the baby.

I mean, I don't have a baby,but if I did, I wouldn't

put it in her, not withoutthe proper tools, you guys.

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