Jared Logan

  • Season 2, Ep 9
  • 05/31/2013

Jared Logan describes growing up in West Virginia, a sweet old lady who tested him for STDs and the worst movie date he ever had.

Burned every book I own.Every single one.

I read about this meetingyou can go to.

I read about it online.

This meeting you can go towhere they burn books.

So I got all my booksin a big bag,

and I drove out of townto this meeting,

threw my bookson this gigantic inferno,

saw all my books burn.

But then, at the endof the meeting,

they started talkingabout Nazi stuff,

and I got the (bleep)out of there.

I thought it wasabout eliminating clutter.


That last bitwas entirely made up.

I'm an actor, okay?

That's what I do.

I create facial expressionsthat make you feel something.

That's my skill.

I was a theater majorin college.

That's a shitty major.

Do not become...It's a...

Theater major's a stupid major.It is.

But I wason academic scholarship

and then I used that moneyto become a theater major.

So, that's like,you win the lottery

and you just spend iton Beanie Babies.

You know what I mean?

That's what I didwith that money.

And then you haveto get a real job.

You can't be Dame Judi Denchright away.

Which is my ultimate goal.

And I lived in the Southat the time, and in the South

they don't really knowwhat theater is.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, a lot of people don't knowwhat theater...

Guys in the South thinktheater is, like,

a bunch of gay dudesin a basement,

kissing penises with makeup on.

Which it can be, andthere's nothing wrong with that!

So, I would have to interviewfor jobs,

and these Southern bosseswould see "theater major"

on my résumé,and they would react strangely.

And this is a true story.

One time, this guyat, like, a plumbing company

was looking at my résumé,and he goes,

"Now, I see 'theater'here on your résumé.

Is that gonna interferewith your ability to... work?"

And I was, like,"No, I'm very responsible.

I'll be here every day,9:00 a.m., ready to go."

And he really said this.He goes,

"Yeah, but you're an actor.

You could be lying to me,and I wouldn't even know."

I'm not a sociopath.

When you get a theater degree,you don't get special powers.

This guy's, like,"I can't hire you to work here.

"You can changeyour shape at will!

"I come in for a cup of coffee,you're the coffee pot.

Get out of my office,metamorph!"

Metamorph-- do you knowwhat that means?

It's like a sci-fi thing.

Shut up!


One of the jobs I had was at atheatre that showed plays.

There are two types.



nobody wants to go see plays.

Plays are boring and stupid,

nobody wants to gosee them anymore.

So the way they get peopleto see the plays--

they don't sell a ticketat a time,

they have, like, groupscome to see the plays.

Like community groups,clubs come and see the play.

So, one night I'm workingin the box office,

and this big groupcomes into the theater,

and they walk up to the boxoffice, and they go, "Hi,

we're from SNAP."

And I go, "Oh, SNAP.

"That's kind of a fun,zingy name.

"What do you guys do?What does your group do?

"What do you guys do?

What is... what is...what do you do, what is SNAP?"

And then, they go,

"We're the Survivor's Network

for Abuse by Priests."

And I was like,

"Why do you have a fun,zingy name, then?

"And also, why do you guys

go on fun groupactivities together?"

That's weird, right?

Like, what, do they allgo to Six Flags

and ridethe roller coaster together?

Like, "Aah!

Oh, my God,that was terrifying!"

"Kind of like the time...

"that we weremolested by priests,

"and it ruined our lives.

"Do you remember that?

'Cause I think of itevery time I look at you."

I temped a lot.

Uh, does anybody here ever temp?

(scattered applause and whoops)Doesn't matter.

Don't know why I'm asking.

Temping stinks,because you're always

in somebody else's cubicle.

They're awayon their maternity leave

or on their vacation,

and you're in their cubicle

with all their crappy crapthat you hate,

like their stupid cat calendar

and their cockeyed pictureof their ugly family.

Got to put that down,don't want to look at that.

One time I'm in thiswoman's cubicle,

and this woman hadwhat seemed like

thousands of Post-it notesin her cubicle.

Like she was trying to solvethe Kennedy assassination.

And there were two Post-itsright in my field of vision

that were driving me crazythe entire time.

The first one said,

"Three steps to fix error 285."

And it said,"One: log in as 'admin.'

Two: run detectand repair sequence."

And, "Three: reinstall Excel."

Then, right beside that,I swear to God,

she had a Post-it that said,

"Three ways to be more happy."

And it said,"One: be more honest.

Two: free your heartfrom hatred."

And, "Three, expectthe unexpected."

And I think the danger there

is that you goto be more honest,

but you accidentally justreinstall Excel, you know?

Or for seven years,

you're like,"Why am I not happy?!

"I'm logged in as 'admin'!

"I hate my son;is that on the server?

Get I.T. down here."

So I am fromMorgantown, West Virgina.

That's where I'm from. Yeah.(girl whoops)

Are you from there?

I am.Okay, then you're allowedto do that.

It's a very...It's a poor state, right?

It's a very poor state.

Like, to give you an example,

uh-uh, you know,a couple years ago,

they-they wantedto change the sign

when you droveinto West Virginia.

The sign when you droveinto West Virginia used to say,

"West Virginia,Wild and Wonderful."

That's nice. That's very nice.

But then the economygot very bad.

All the coal mines closed down,and they wanted

to drum up businessin West Virginia,

so the governor was like,"I've got an idea.

We'll change the sign."

What did they change it to?

They changed it so that whenyou drove into West Virginia

the sign said, "West Virginia,Open for Business."

How sadly desperate.

They might as well make it,"West Virginia,

"We Hump You Long Time.

Five Dollars."

"West Virginia,Sailor Want a Sucky-Sucky?"

"West Virginia, We Got Wi-Fi!"

I grew up... I grew up there.I grew up there,

and, you know,it was always very poor.

I remember in fifth grade theycame into our class, and, uh,

they asked all of us,

"What do you want to bewhen you grow up?"

And every single boy in my classsaid the same thing.

Every single boy in my classsaid basketball player.

Yeah, it didn't makea lot of sense

because we livedin West Virginia,

so we were all white.

You know, most of us were short.

Some of the kids hadnutrition problems.

Like, "What do you wantto be, Tyler?"

(Southern accent):"A basketball player."

"Really, Tyler? Your familyonly eats Pop-Tarts.

"How is that gonnawork out for you?

"You're gonna lose energyon the court, buddy.

You need more B12 than thatto be a basketball player."

This is the last thingI wanted to tell you.

A little while ago

we had a hurricane, uh,here on the East Coast.

Um, I live in New York. Ithit... it hit there pretty hard.

I luckily was in a part of NewYork where it wasn't very bad.

I was very safe, but my momis from West Virginia,

and she comes from a townthat's, like, one dirt road

and it's in a circle,do you know what I mean?

So it's like, "Bye!"

"Where you going?"

"Back here. I'll be right back."

So my mom called meon the day of the hurricane,

like, 29 times to try

to help me survivethe hurricane,

which... I'm a 33-year-old man.

If I need my mom to call,maybe I should die, you know?

But she just kept callingand calling and calling,

and she would say crazy things

on the phonewhen she would call.

At one point she called meon the phone and she said,

"They said on the news

they're evacuatingthe entire state of New York!"

I was like, "No, they didn't."

Because they didn't say that.

"What are you talking about?"And I don't know what news

she seeswhen she's watching the news,

but my mom will seea different news.

When my mom is watching thenews, it must look different.

It must be like... It must looklike this... It must be like,

"Good evening. Tonight's news:

"your son Jared is in trouble!

"You have to save him!

"Quick! Look up hurricaneson Wikipedia!

"Send that to him.

"Send him a link.

"Just send him a linkin an e-mail.

"No, the link.

"So you got to send him the...Copy and paste the link.

"It's control-C usually.You got to copy the link.

"Copy the link! Okay, he's dead.You failed him.

He died. He died."