Monday, March 10, 2014

  • 03/10/2014

Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes and Ralph Garman create awful band names, find out which male celebs clean up the prettiest and list strange new Netflix categories.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELLL, HBO GO CRASHED DURING

LAST NIGHT'S MUCH ANTICIPATED

SEASON FINALE OF TRUE

DETECTIVE, LEAVING TRUE

DETECTIVE ZEALOTS IN AN

EXISTENTIAL QUANDARY WORTHY OF A

CAR RIDE DISCUSSION WITH MATTHEW

MCCONAUGHEY'S CHARACTER.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS A REAL

TWEET ABOUT THIS NATIONAL

NIGHTMARE?

(LAUGHTER)

WHILE USING TECHNOLOGY.

ALL RIGHT.

YES, KEVIN SMITH?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY A.

>> Chris: UNFORTUNATELY, THE

CORRECT ANSWER IS B.

>> WHAT?

THEY SPELLED MAN WITH TWO Ns.

>> Chris: I KNOW.

BY THE WAY, I DON'T

KNOW IF YOU SAW THE FINALE

LAST NIGHT, BUT WE HAVE A

COMPLETELY NO SPOILER CLIP FROM

LAST SEASON'S FINALE.

WATCH THIS GRIPPING

DRAMA.

IT'S SUCH A GOOD SHOW.

>> THEY'RE GONNA BE TOUGH ON

YOU, AND PRISON IS VERY HARD

ON PEOPLE WHO AREN'T KIDS.

>> I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO

ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY.

>> IF YOU GET THE OPPORTUNITY,

YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF.

>> I OBJECT.

(LAUGHING)

>> Chris: WHAT IS HE WINKING AT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: OH, THE FALL IS GOING

TO BE SO GRATIFYING.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, THE BIEBS ALSO TURNED UP

AT SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST, AS

EVIDENCED BY THIS REACTION

SELFIE, TWEETED BY A SURPRISED

JOURNALIST.

THERE HE IS AND

THERE SHE IS.

THERE HE IS AND

THERE SHE IS.

BUT SADLY, JUSTIN BIEBER

IS NOT THE MOST RIDICULOUS

NAME PLAYING AT THE FESTIVAL.

ACCORDING TO dailybeast.com,

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS THE

NAME OF A REAL BAND PLAYING

AT SOUTH BY THIS YEAR?

RALPH GARMAN?

>> I WANT TO SAY GUANTANAMO

BAYWATCH, AND I BELIEVE PAM

ANDERSON IS THE LEAD SINGER.

>> Chris: IS SHE THE LEAD

SINGER?

WELL, SHE COULD BE, BECAUSE

THEY'RE ALL REAL BAND NAMES,

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

(CROWD GROANS)

>> THAT WAS A REAL, LIKE,

DISAPPOINTED, LIKE, BOO.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PLAY

IF ALL THE ANSWERS ARE RIGHT?

WHAT IS THIS, TEE-BALL?

>> TRICK QUESTION.

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO THIS WEEKEND'S SOUTH BY

SOUTHWEST LINEUP SOUNDED LIKE A

LONG-FORM IMPROV FESTIVAL WITH

ACTUAL BAND NAMES LIKE BUTTER

THE CHILDREN, PERFECT PUSSY AND

MARIJUANA DEATH SQUAD, IN

ADDITION TO THE ONES FROM

EARLIER.

SO THE STUPIDER YOUR

BAND NAME, THE NOTICETER YOUR

BAND GETS, WHICH IS WHY

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS #RUINABAND.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE TOM PETTY

AND THE SHART BREAKERS.

OR KINGS OF THE QUEENS OF THE

STONE AGE.

OR FLEETWOOD PC.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

STEAM IS SO MUCH BETTER ON A PC!

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO GAME

ON A MAC?"

I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S FOR

COMEDY'S SAKE, CALM DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO PUT 60

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK STARTING

NOW, AND GO.

RALPH GARMAN?

>> SYSTEM OF A DOWN SYNDROME.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

KEVIN.

>> RUNS DMC.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, RUNS DMC.

JASON.

>> TWISTED SISTER ACT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

RALPH GARMAN.

>> REBECCA BLACK SABBATH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ♪ IT'S FRIDAY,

FRIDAY. ♪

POINTS.

YES, KEV?

>> CLAN HALEN.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

BECAUSE I GUARANTEE YOU FOREVER,

THAT BAND IS NOW RUINED FOR YOU.

>> Chris: RUINED.

POINTS!

YES, JASON.

>> THE IRON-DEFICIENT MAIDEN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

WELL DONE.

>> GIVE HIM DOUBLE POINTS,

THAT'S THE BIGGEST WORD HE EVER

USED!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, 100 EXTRA

POINTS GOES TO JAY MEWES FOR

USING BIG WORDS.

JAY MEWES?

>> ONE ERECTION.

>> Chris: YOU ONLY GET ONE,

YES, POINTS.

GARMAN.

>> THE YEASTIE BOYS.

>> Chris: YES, YEASTIE BOYS!

OH, GOD...

(CROWD GROANS)

BEAUTY PAGEANT.

THE WEB SITE worth1000.com RAN

A PHOTOSHOP CONTEST OF TURNING

MALE CELEBS INTO WOMEN.

WE RAN THOSE PICTURES THROUGH AN

APP THAT GRADES BEAUTY CALLED

anaface.com.

SO COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE TO TELL

ME WHICH WAS A PRETTIER

MAN-LADY IN THESE EXAMPLES

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU,

ALL RIGHT?

SO LET'S BEGIN.

THEY'RE BOTH HOT AT THE BOX

OFFICE, BUT WHO'S HOTTER IN THE

FACE?

WILMA SMITH OR TAMARA

CRUISE?

KEV?

>> OOF.

(LAUGHING)

IT'S LIKE DROWNING OR GETTING

EATEN BY A SHARK.

I'M GOING TO GO TOM CRUISE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, THE ACTUAL

ANSWER IS IN FACT TAMARA CRUISE.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS HITS A LITTLE CLOSE TO

HOME.

COMEDIANS, WHO'S HOTTER,

JACEY MEWES OR RALPH GARWOMAN?

(APPLAUSE)

BEFORE YOU GUYS EVEN ANSWER, I

HAVE TO BE HONEST, I WOULD

TOTALLY (BLEEP) THIS.

I WOULD.

(APPLAUSE)

I'M NOT THAT APP, SO IT COULD BE

ANYONE.

>> I HAVE TO BE DOUBLE HONEST:

I TOTALLY DID (BLEEP) THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND HE NEVER CLEANED UP THAT

PRETTY, EITHER.

>> ALL RIGHT, 100 POINTS FOR

(BLEEP) THAT, KEVIN.

RALPH, WHICH ONE?

>> KNOWING WHAT MEWES CAN DO

WITH THAT MOUTH, I SAY JASON

MEWES.

>> Chris: JASON MEWES,

OF COURSE, JASON MEWES.

I MEAN TRUTHFULLY, EXCEPT FOR

THE TITS, NOT THAT DIFFERENT,

JAY.

>> RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> YOU CAN TELL, MAN, YOU DON'T

WANT TO DATE HER.

SHE'S TROUBLE OVER THERE ON THE

LEFT.

THIS ONE OVER HERE IS THE GIRL

NEXT DOOR, MAN.

YOU CAN BRING HER HOME TO MOM.

THIS ONE OVER HERE IS LIKE

TAKING MOM'S SILVERWARE.

SHE'S THE GIRL NEXT DOOR WHO HAS

NEVER BEEN LET OUTSIDE.

>> HEY, I'M RIGHT HERE!

>> Chris: THIS ISN'T YOU!

>> YES, IT IS!

>> THE GIRL NEXT DOOR IN THE

GARAGE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, AND

FINALLY, LET'S LOOK AT THIS ONE.

KEVINA SMITH OR CHRISSY

HARDWICK?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU ARE JUST AS

SURPRISED AS WE ARE IN THIS.

>> I MEAN, I WOULDN'T EVEN

(BLEEP) ME.

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> WOW!

>> Chris: YOU THINK IT'S ME?

YEAH, I DID RATE HIGHER,

ON THE THING, BUT NOT BY A LOT.

I MEAN...

>> I'M TONGUE TIED, I'M A LITTLE

EXCITED.

>> I CALL YOU JUDAS, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOU CHOOSE WHAT'S

CLEARLY SILENT BOB WITH LONG

HAIR?

>> I'VE ALREADY HAD THAT, BUT I

WANT SOMETHING NEW.

>> HARDWICK, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'D

BE A REAL TOUGH GERMAN MISTRESS.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF (BLEEP)

ABOUT YOU, MAN.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE A PORTRAIT

FROM THE HAUNTED MANSION AT

DISNEYLAND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

THIS IS OUR TRIBUTE TO THE

SUBREDDIT r/UNEXPECTED, WHERE

IMAGES AND GIFS START ONE WAY

BUT GO IN A COMPLETELY

UNEXPECTED DIRECTION.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU AN IMAGE OF A GIF AND

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU TWO

OPTIONS.

SO YOU TELL ME WHAT THE

ACTUAL UNEXPECTED RESULT IS,

OKAY?

THIS GENTLEMAN CASUALLY

PERUSING THE PRODUCE OF A

SUPERMARKET.

EITHER WAY IT'S

GOING TO BE RAD.

JAY?

>> I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HIM GET

PANTSED BECAUSE HOPEFULLY WE'D

GET TO SEE SOMETHING, BUT I'M

THINKING IT'S THE BANANA.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LET'S

FINDIF OUT IF IT'S THE BANANA.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: NOW...

THIS GUY TOTALLY HAS A LAWSUIT

ON HIS HANDS, AND IF HE LOSES,

HE COULD TOTALLY AP-PEEL.

>> Chris: THERE YOU GO, POINTS

FOR KEVIN SMITH FOR THE APPEAL

PUN.

WELL PLAYED, KEVIN SMITH,

100 POINTS FOR THAT.

NEXT, HOW ABOUT THIS LITTLE LADY

WITH A DIET COKE AND A PARAKEET?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, KEV?

>> I SO WANT TO SEE TWO.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT IF THE

PARAKEET STEALS THE BOTTLE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WOW.

>> Chris: AND THAT IS HOW YOU

END r/UNEXPECTED.

(LAUGHTER)

NETFLIX CATEGORIES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NETFLIX IS A TREASURE TROVE FOR

FILM FANS, BUT IT DOES HAVE A

TENDENCY TO CONJURE UP SOME VERY

DISTINCT CATEGORIES SUCH AS

VIOLENT NIGHTMARE VACATION

MOVIES AND MIND-BENDING ROMANTIC

FOREIGN FILMS, WHICH ARE REAL.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO

BUZZ IN WITH AS MANY RIDICULOUS

NEW NETFLIX CATEGORIES AS YOU

CAN.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND GO!

YES, KEV.

>> THE GOOD KEVIN SMITH MOVIES.

>> Chris: POINTS!

RALPH GARMAN.

>> BONER-KILLING ROMANTIC

COMEDIES.

>> Chris: THAT'S ALL OF THEM,

POINTS.

JASON.

>> JAY AND SILENT BOB DO ANAL.

>> Chris: JAY AND SILENT BOB

STRIKE BUTT.

>> POINTS!

>> Chris: THANK YOU, I'LL TAKE

POINTS.

YES, KEV.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF JOHN CUSACK

MOVIES, SO JOHN CUSACK MUZAK.

>> Chris: NICE, POINTS.

RALPH GARMAN.

>> DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED

OSCAR GRABS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, KEV?

>> MOVIES THAT YOU THINK BASED

ON THE POSTER ARTWORK IS GOING

TO BE STROKE MATERIAL BUT REALLY

IT'S AN ISRAELI DOCUMENTARY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

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