Monday, March 10, 2014

  • 03/10/2014

Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes and Ralph Garman create awful band names, find out which male celebs clean up the prettiest and list strange new Netflix categories.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( APPLAUSE )HBOGO CRASHED DURING LAST

NIGHT'S MUCH ANTICIPATED SEASONFINALE OF "TRUE DETECTIVE,"

LEAVING "TRUE DETECTIVE" ZEALOTSIN AN EXISTENTIAL QUANDARY

WORTHY OF A CAR RIDE DISCUSSIONWITH MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY'S

CHARACTER.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS A REALTWEET ABOUT THIS NATIONAL

NIGHTMARE?

A. @HBOGO MORE LIKEHBOGOBAMACARE!

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

B. HBOGO ACTING LIKE A BITCHBECAUSE I WANNA WATCH THE FINALE

OF "TRUE DETECTIVE."

MAN (BLEEP) TECHNOLOGY!

WHILE USING TECHNOLOGY.

ALL RIGHT.

C. NO "TRUE DETECTIVE"!

WHAT AM I PAYING U 4 @HBOGO?

I'VE ALREADY SEEN @LENADUNHAMNAKED.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY A.

>> UNFORTUNATELY THE CORRECTANSWER IS B.

>> WHAT!

>> I KNOW.

>> THEY SPELLED MAN WITH TWONs.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW THEFINALE BUT WE HAVE A NO SPOILER

CLIP.

WATCH THIS GRIPPING DRAMA.

IT'S SUCH A GOOD SHOW.

>> PRISON IS HARD ON PEOPLE WHOHAVE KID.

>> DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TOANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITYTO KILL YOURSELF.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> OH, THE FALL IS GOING TO BE

SO GRATIFYING.

( LAUGHTER )THE BEEB ALSO TIRND UP AT SOUTH

BY SOUTHWEST, AS EVIDENCED BYTHIS REACTION SELFIE, TWEETED BY

A SURPRISED SPECTATOR.

THERE HE IS.

AND THERE SHE IS.

THERE HE IS.

AND THERE SHE IS.

SADLY, JUSTIN BIEBER ISN'T THEMOST RIDICULOUS NAME PLAYING THE

MUSIC FESTIVAL.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS THENAME OF A REAL BAND PLAYING

THIS YEAR.

A. GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH.

B. CEREBAL BALLZY.

C. DEATH BY UNGA BUNGA.

RALPH GARMAN.

>> I WANT TO SAY GUATANAMOBAYWATCH.

AND I BELIEVE PAM ANDERSON ISTHE LEAD SINGER.

>> IS HE THE LEAD SINGER?

SHE COULD BE.

THEY'RE ALL REAL WAND NAMES,EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

>>THAT WAS A REALLY DISAPPOINTEDLIKE OOOOH.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PLAY IFALL THE ANSWERS ARE RIGHT?

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )SO THIS WEEKEND'S SOUTH BY

SOUTHWEST LINEUP SOUND HAD BANDNAMES LIKE BUTTER THE CHILDREN,

AND MARIJUANA DEATH SQUAD.

IN ADDITION TO THE ONES FROMEARLIER.

THE STUPIDER YOUR BAND NAME, THENOTICER YOUR BAND GETS.

TONIGHT'S HASH TACK IS#RUINABAND.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE TOM PETTY ANDTHE SHARK BREAKERS.

OR KINGS OF THE QUEENS OF THESTONE AGE.

OR FLEETWOOD PC.

>> HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO GAMEON A MAC?

I KNOW,IN.

I'LL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCKSTARTING NOW.

GO.

RALPH GARMAN.

>> SISTER OF A DOWN SYNDROME.

>> KEVUN.

>> RON DMC.

JASON.

>> TWISTED SISTER ACT.

>> YES!

POINTS.

RALPH GARMAN.

>> REBECCA BLACK SABBATH.

( APPLAUSE )>> POINTS.

KEV.

>> CLAM HALEN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

BECAUSE I GUARANTEE YOU, FOREVERTHAT BAND IS RUINED FOR YOU.

>> RUINED.

POINTS!

JASON.

>> THE IRON DEFICIENT MAIDEN.

>> POINTS!

WELL DONE.

>> GIVE HIM DOUBLE POINTS.

THAT'S THE BIGGEST WORD HE EVERUSED.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )LRT, 100 EXTRA POINTS GOES TO

JAY MEWES FOR USING BIG WORDS.

>> ONE ERECTION.

>> YOU ONLY GET ONE, YES,POINTS.

GARMAN.

>> THE YEASTY BOYS.

>> YES, YEASTY BOYS!

GENDER BENDER BEAUTY PAGEANT!THE WEBSITE WORTH1000.COM,

RAN A PHOTOSHOP CONTEST OFTURNING MALE CELEBS INTO WOMEN.

COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE TO TELL MEWHICH WAS THE PRETTIER MAN-LADY.

THEY'RE BOTH HOT AT THE BOXOFFICE, BUT WHO'S HOTTER IN THE

FACE?

WILMA SMITH OR TAMARA CRUISE?

KEV?

>> OOH!

IT'S LIKE DROWNING OR GETTINGEATEN BY A SHARK.

I'M GOING TO GO TOM CRUISE.

>> THE TILL ANSWER IS IN FACTTAMARA CRUISE.

NEXT ONE.

THIS HITS CLOSE TO HOME.

COMEDIANS, WHO'S HOTTER?

JACEY MEWES OR RALPH GARWOMAN?

KEVINA SMITH OR CHRISSYHARDWICK?

BEFORE YOU GUYS EVEN ANSWER, IHAVE TO BE HONEST, I WOULD

TOTALLY ( BLEEP ) THIS.

I WOULD.

I'M NOT THAT SO IT COULD BEANYONE.

>> I HAVE TO BE DOUBLE HONEST.

I TOTALLY DID ( BLEEP ) THAT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AND HE NEVER CLEANED UP THAT

PRETTY, EITHER.

>> ALL RIGHT, 100 POINTS FOR( BLEEP ) THAT, KEVIN.

RALPH, WHICH ONE?

>> KNOWING WHAT MOOUZ CAN DOWITH THAT MOUTH, I SAY JACEY

>> KNOWING WHAT MOOUZ CAN DOWITH THAT MOUTH, I SAY JACEY

MEWESY MOOUZ.

>> EXCEPT FOR THE TITS, NOT THATDIFFERENT.

>> YOU CAN TELL, MAN, YOU DON'TWANT TO DATE HER.

SHE'S TROUBLE OVER THERE ON THELEFT.

THIS ONE OVER HERE IS THE GIRLNEXT DOOR, MAN.

YOU CAN BRING HER HOME TO MOM.

THIS ONE OVER HERE IS LIKETAKING MOM'S SILVERWARE.

SHE'S THE GIRL NEXT DOOR WHO HASNEVER BEEN LET OUTSIDE.

>> HEY!

I'M RIGHT HERE!

>> THIS ISN'T YOU!

>> YES, IT IS!

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR IN THEGARAGE.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FINALLY, LET'S LOOK AT THIS ONE.

KEVINA SMITH OR CHRISSYHARDWICK?

>> I MEAN, I WOULDN'T EVEN( BLEEP ) ME.

>> WHAT IS THAT?

>> WOW!

YOU THINK IT'S ME?

YEAH, I DID-- I DID RATE HIGHERON THE THING, BUT NOT BY A LOT.

I MEAN-->> I CALL YOU JUDAS, MAN.

>> I'VE ALREADY HAD THAT, BUT IWANT SOMETHING NEW.

>> HARDWICK, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'DBE A REAL TOUGH GERMAN MISTRESS.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF ( BLEEP )ABOUT YOU, MAN.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE A PORTRAITFROM THE HAUNTED MANSION AT

DISNEYLAND.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

"HOW R/UNEXPECTED"

THIS IS OUR TRIBUTE TOR/UNEXPECTED, A SUBREDDIT WHERE

IMAGES AND GIFS START ONE WAY,BUT GO IN A COMPLETELY

UNEXPECTED DIRECTION.COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW

YOU AN IMAGE FROM A GIF ANDAND GIVE YOU TWO OPTIONS.

DOES A FLYING MAN-SIZE BANANADROPKICK THIS UNSUSPECTING MAN

OR DOES FROSTED FLAKES MASCOTTONY THE TIGER PANTS HIM?

I'D LIKE TO THINK HE GETSPANTSED CAUSE WE GET TO SEE SOME

>> I'M THINKING IT'S THE BANANA.

>> LET'S FIND OUT IF IT'S THEBANANA.

>> LET'S FIND OUT IF IT'S THEBANANA.

>> THIS GUY, HE TOTALLY HASA LAWSUIT ON HIS HANDS, AND IF

HE LOSES HE CAN TOTALLY APPEAL.

>> YES!

THERE YOU GO!

POINTS!

>> FOR THE APPEAL PUN.

WELL PLAYED, KEVIN SMITH, 100POINTS FOR THAT.

HOW ABOUT THIS LADY WITH A DIETCOKE AND PARAKEET.

DOES THE SEED ERUPT, OR DOES ITSWEEP IN BEFORE SHE CAN OPEN IT?

>> I SO WANT TO SEE TWO.

>> LET'S FIND OUT IF THEPARAKEET STEALS THE BOTTLE.

AND THAT IS HOW YOU ENDR/UNEXPECTED.

"NEW NETFLIX CATEGORIES"

NETFLIX IS A TREASURE TROVE FORFILM FANS BUT HAS A TENDENCY TO

CONJURE UP VERY DISTINCTCATEGORIES LIKE VIOLENT

NIGHTMARE VACATION MOVIES ANDMIND-BENDING ROMANTIC FOREIGN

FILMS.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE TO YOUBUZZ IN WITH AS MANY RIDICULOUS

NEW NETFLIX CATEGORIES AS YOUCAN.

KEV.

>> THE GOOD KEVIN SMITH MOVIES.

>>( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> POINTS!

RALPH GARMAN.

>> A BONER-KILLING ROMANTICCOMEDY.

>> THAT'S ALL OF THEM, POINTS.

JASON.

>> JAY AND SILENT BOB DO ANAL.>> JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE

BUTT.>> THANK YOU.

KEV.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF JOHN CUSACKMOVIES, SO JOHN CUSACK MUZAK.

>> RALPH GARMAN.

>> DEVELOPMENT AMY DISABLEDOSCAR GRABS.

>> POINTS!

>> MOVIES THAT YOU THINK BASEDON THE POSTER ARTWORK IS GOING

TO BE STROKE MATERIAL BUT REALLYIT'S AN ISRAELI DOCUMENTARY.

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