Pulp Comics
Season 1

Pulp Comics: Wendy Liebman

  • Season 1, Ep 0115
  • 02/21/2000

But, folks, what I really want

to tell you about is, there's

a conspiracy out there.

The government's trying to keep

secrets from each and every one

of us.

They've conveniently removed

little statistics and facts from

all the schoolbooks and

textbooks and libraries all over

this country.

Like, for example,

the government doesn't want you

to know this:

John F. Kennedy is not dead.

He's hiding out.

He's a wookie.

If you were to shave Chewbacca,

you'd find JFK under all that

hair.

And for those of you that don't

believe my little theory, listen

real close to one of JFK's more

popular speeches.

[monotone voice] "Ask not what

your country can do for you, but

ask what you can do for your

country."

[growls]

government doesn't want you

to ask.

We know where garlic powder

comes from.

We know where chili powder

comes from, my friends.

But government doesn't want us

to know where baby powder

comes from.

The government doesn't want you

to know this, but elbow meat--

elbow meat is the exact same

texture as a 67-year-old woman's

nipple.

The government doesn't want you

to know.

There are 14-year-old boys

across the country who would be

up all night playing with

their elbows.

The government doesn't want you

to know this, but the sea turtle

has now been officially removed

from the endangered species

list.

So if you're down at the beach

and you see one of the little

lovable creatures flop up onto

shore, feel free to kick the

crap out of it.

You ever do this on an

elevator, though?

You've been all rude

on the elevator.

You've been in this situation.

You're standing in the elevator.

The doors start to close.

You're all ready to go up to

your little floor.

There they go.

They're closing.

And all of a sudden, here comes

that one guy running through the

lobby of the hotel.

"Hey!

Wait, hold the door.

Hold the door!"

And you're in the elevator,

and you pretend to push

the door open button.

You're like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh."

>> Gardening stores

and hardware stores sell manure

for $12 a bag.

The government doesn't want you

to know this, but if you were to

ask your friends and family

real nicely,

they'd probably come over to

your house and crap on your lawn

for free.

[cheers and applause]

Come on, come on, now, hey!

students here tonight, but I'm

a little bit upset about

something I saw on the news

this week.

The president was on TV,

said there's an education

problem here in America,

went on to say that 60% of all

Americans cannot find Germany

on a map of the world--60%.

And I say to the president,

I say, "Hey, listen here,

Mr. Carter.

So what if 60% don't know where

Germany is?

What about the other 85% that do

know where it is, huh?"

Why the hell should we care

about those Germans after what

they did to us back in Pearl

Harbor there in '73, those

little leather-short-wearin',

Halls-mentholyptus-eatin',

sweet-and-sour-spare-rib-lovin',

Pippi-Longstocking's-got-

a-little-freckly-ass-suckin'

bastards?

[cheers and applause]

What's with that little

Pillsbury dough boy?

Have you seen that little yeasty

freak with his little baker's

hat and his little stubby feet?

He hasn't even got feet.

He's got nubs, for cryin' out

loud.

All he ever talks about

is baked goods.

You hear him?

He's like, "Nothin' says lovin'

like a good old-fashioned

cinnamon roll."

[giggles]

[cheers and applause]

Doesn't he get off on anything

else in life but baked goods?

Just once, I'd love to turn on

the TV and hear him say,

"Nothin' says lovin' like

a good old-fashioned

69 position."

[giggles]

[cheers and applause]

God, I'd love to see the

Pillsbury dough boy

and Snuggles, the fabric

softener bear, in a 69er,

wouldn't you?

Oh, yeah, God.

That would have to be the

softest place on Earth

right there, wouldn't it?

This is a question the

government doesn't want you

to ask.

If the Pillsbury dough boy or

any member of his family caught

a yeast infection,

how the hell would you know?

The government doesn't want you

to know this, but wrinkle cream

doesn't work.

Take it from me.

I've been using it

for three years.

My balls still look

like raisins.

[cheers and applause]

Great, big, hairy raisins,

the kind you find at the bottom

of the sea.

Come on, now, won't you, now,

hey?

Ikea is a Swedish word meaning,

"The odds of you putting this

crappy piece of furniture

together the first time

is 101 million."

Come on, now, hey, furniture

lovers, hey?

[cheers and applause]

Count Chocula is the only

vampire in the world to have

buck teeth.

The government doesn't want you

to know, but that's why he

created his own cereal.

It's the only thing he can

digest.

Come on, come on, come on, now,

Booberry and Frankenberry, hey.

The government doesn't want you

to know this, but the hair clog

in Kenny G.'s shower is 17 feet

long.

The government doesn't want you

to know this stuff.

Come on, folks.

They're keeping secrets.

They don't want you to know.

>> Man, I got a new car--

well, not a new car.

I got a new old car,

and I'm scared to drive

the damn thing 'cause all you

hear about nowadays is how

the air bags are saving

everybody's lives.

I got no air bag in my old hunk

of junk, so this is what I did.

I went over to Dunkin' Donuts.

I bought a great, big, puffy,

jelly doughnut.

I stuck it to my steering wheel.

Some idiot hit me from behind.

My head goes forward.

He thinks my head blew up.

I come stumbling out of the car.

I got raspberry jelly dripping

down my face.

I'm like, "Ahhhh.

Ahhhh!

Ahhh!

Ahh, ahh."

He was outta there faster than

Jeffrey Dahmer in a Victoria's

Secret runway parlor, baby.

Yeah!

Hey, speaking of driving,

how many of you folks,

when you're driving through

the country with your loved one,

try to time your farts with the

smell of cow manure?

anymore?

I'm there every Sunday.

I haven't seen you people.

[cheers and applause]

I love going to church.

Every Sunday, I'm there.

The only thing I don't like

about it, those priests sure do

like to talk, don't they?

Oh, they love to talk and talk,

and they don't like it when you

talk in church, do they?

Oh, no, they don't like that

action.

Like, last Sunday, I'm in

church.

Priest is blabbing away.

It's just a little tiny quiet

spot in his sermon, just

a little, little tiny spot.

I stood up in the middle of the

church, and all I said was,

"Hey!

I smell ass!"

Come on, now, won't you, hey?

Government would never allow

this.

If pop star, pop diva Deborah

Harry from Blondie got together

with first lady Barbara Bush

and tried to put a cop show

on NBC, they'd have to call it

"Harry [bleep]."

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