CC Presents: John Mulaney

  • Season 13, Ep 23
  • 01/11/2009

John Mulaney gains new insight into adulthood and overexposure to Tom Jones' "What's New Pussycat?"

IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD NOW.

I STUDY THEM.THEY'RE FASCINATING.

I THINK IT'S GREAT.

I THINK IT'S GREAT IF SOMEONEWANTS TO BE A DRAG QUEEN.

I THINK THAT'S WONDERFUL

IF YOU WANT TO, LIKE,EXPRESS YOUR INNER WOMAN.

BUT WHY WITH DRAG QUEENS IS ITALWAYS THE SAME TYPE OF WOMAN?

LIKE, WHY IS IT ALWAYSLIKE A BIG AND BRASSY WOMAN

WITH, LIKE, A BEEHIVE HAIRDOAND ALLIGATOR-SKIN SHOES?

IT'S LIKE, "WHAT IS YOUR NOTIONOF A WOMAN BASED ON?

A HOUSEWIFEIN A 'FAR SIDE' CARTOON?"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"WHY IS THAT WHAT YOU THINKFEMININITY IS?"

AND THEN THESE DRAG QUEENS,

THEY'LL GO OUT ON THE STREET,AND THEY'LL BULLY ME.

THEY WILL.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "OH-HO, LOOKAT HIM IN HIS LITTLE SHIRT."

IT'S LIKE,"WHY ARE YOU MEAN?" YOU KNOW?

"WHY IS THAT PART OF IT FOR YOU?

"AND IT'S NOT LITTLE.IT'S A MEDIUM.

"SMALL IS LITTLE.

"YOU WENT THROUGH ALL THETROUBLE TO PUT ON A NICE DRESS,

AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA BE RUDEAND BOSSY TO PEOPLE?"

IT'S LIKE,

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR VERSIONOF A LADY IS A LOT LIKE?

"A GUY.

"YOU COULD HAVE STAYED A GUY

IF YOU WERE GONNA BEAN [BLEEP] ABOUT IT."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]YES.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

THIS IS LOVELY.

MY NAME IS JOHN MULANEY,

AS THEY SAID, AND I'VE LIVEDIN THIS CITY NOW --

I LOVE IT.

I'VE LIVED HEREFOR A FEW YEARS NOW.

AND, SO, I HAVE THIS NEWPHENOMENON IN MY LIFE

WHERE, LIKE, LATE AT NIGHTON THE STREET,

WOMEN WILL SEE ME AS A THREAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT IS FUNNY, YEAH.

THAT IS SILLY.THIS IS SILLY.

IT'S KIND OF FLATTERING IN ITSOWN WAY, BUT AT THE SAME TIME,

IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE, LIKE, I'MSTILL AFRAID OF BEING KIDNAPPED.

HONESTLY.

BUT I'LL GIVE YOUTHE BEST EXAMPLE OF THIS.

A FEW MONTHS AGO,

I WAS AT A SUBWAY STATION AT2:00 IN THE MORNING, ALL RIGHT?

AND AT THIS STATION,I'M CHANGING TRAINS.

AND YOU HAVE TO WALK DOWNTHIS LONG HALLWAY

IN ORDER TO CHANGE TRAINS.

SO IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

IT'S JUST ME AND THIS WOMAN,AND WE'RE WALKING ALONG,

AND SHE'S WALKINGA FEW YARDS AHEAD OF ME.

BUT SHE KEEPS GIVING MELIKE THE OVER-THE-SHOULDER,

LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?

AND THEN SHE STARTSTO PICK UP THE PACE.

SHE STARTS TO WALK A LOT FASTER.

SO I THINK, "OH.

SHE MUST HEAR THE TRAIN COMING."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"OR, YOU KNOW,MAYBE SHE FEELS IT IN HER FEET,

LIKE A NATIVE AMERICAN."

SO I START TO SPRINTDOWN THE HALLWAY AT HER.

AND SHE LOOKS BACK,AND SHE'S LIKE, "AAH!"

AND THEN SHE GIVES CHASE, RIGHT?

SO NOW WE'RE BOOKING IT DOWN THECORRIDOR AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND I'M GAINING ON HER.

I'M GAINING ON HER,

AND WE'RE GETTINGTO THE END OF THE HALLWAY,

AND SHE STARTS TO GO INTOTHAT, LIKE, DEAD-END SHUFFLE,

YOU KNOW, THAT WOMEN DOWHEN YOU CHASE THEM.

AND I'M ALMOST AT HER.

I'M ALMOST AT HER,AND THEN IT DAWNS ON ME.

"OH.

"SHE'S RUNNING FROM ME...

BECAUSE IN HER EYES,I'M AN ADULT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"AND ADULTSRAPE EACH OTHER..."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"...KIND OF A LOT."

SO I WANTED TO GO UP TO HERAND BE LIKE, "HEY, WHOA!

NO, NO!"

"I'M NOT LIKE A --I'M NOT LIKE A --

[ GROWLS ]

"I'M NOT --

"I'M NOT A MAN.

I'M SOME STUPID PUNK,YOU KNOW?"

BUT I THINK THATTHAT WOULD BE EQUALLY CREEPY

IS IF YOU WERE IN A SUBWAYSTATION AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND I CHASED YOU DOWN,GRABBED YOU,

AND SAID,"I'M NOT GONNA RAPE YOU.

I'M A LITTLE BOY."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOT GOOD, EITHER.

WHAT WAS IT, JUST A FEW DAYS AGO

THE DOW JONESDROPPED ANOTHER 240 POINTS?

AND I -- I CAN'T TELL YOUHOW FRUSTRATING IT IS

TO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

I DID SEE A CLASS ADVERTISED,THOUGH,

WHERE YOU CAN LEARNTO GET RICH FROM DONALD TRUMP.

HE WILL TEACH YOUHOW TO GET RICH.

AND HE WOULD KNOW, WOULDN'T HE?TRUMP WOULD KNOW.

I MEAN, HE'S A VERY RICH MAN.

IN FACT, TO ME, AT THIS POINT,

DONALD TRUMP, HE'S LIKENOT JUST A RICH MAN.

DONALD TRUMP IS LIKE WHAT A HOBOIMAGINES A RICH MAN TO BE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE HE WASWALKING THROUGH AN ALLEY

ONE DAY, AND HE HEARD SOME GUYJUST LIKE, "OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

"AS SOON AS MY NUMBER COMES IN,

I'M GONNA PUT UP TALL BUILDINGSWITH MY NAME ON THEM."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"I'LL HAVE FINE GOLDEN HAIR..."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"...AND A TV SHOW WHERE I FIREPEOPLE WITH MY CHILDREN."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

TRUMP WAS JUST LIKE, "THAT ISHOW I WILL LIVE MY LIFE.

THANK YOU, HOBO,FOR THAT LIFE PLAN."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN TERRIBLEWITH MONEY.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN BADAT ECONOMICS.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN BAD AT MATH.

EVER SINCE I WAS A KID,I WAS TERRIBLE AT MATH.

AND I WENT TO THIS GRADE SCHOOL

WHERE ONE YEARWHAT THEY DECIDED TO DO

WAS DIVIDE ALL THE KIDS UPINTO TWO DIFFERENT MATH GROUPS,

RIGHT, BASED ON YOUR ABILITIES.

AND THE FIRST GROUPTHAT YOU COULD BE IN

WAS CALLED "THE BLUE ANGELS,"

AND IT WAS NAMED AFTERTHE FAMOUS AVIATORS.

AND THE OTHER GROUP --

THE OTHER GROUP WAS CALLED"GROUP TWO."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]YEAH.

OH, WE WERE A SWELL BUNCHOF KIDS IN GROUP TWO.

THE BEST PART OF IT IS,IS WE PICKED THE NAME OURSELVES.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THE TEACHER WAS LIKE, "WHAT AREWE GONNA CALL YOU, GROUP TWO?"

AND WE WERE LIKE, "EH, BINGO.YOU GOT IT RIGHT THERE.

4 AND 5 IS 12."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS IS THE STORYOF THE BEST MEAL

I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE, OKAY?

HAPPENED WHEN I WAS 11 YEARS OLDIN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS,

WHERE I GREW UP.

I WENT TO A PLACE CALLEDTHE SALT & PEPPER DINER

WITH MY BEST FRIEND, JOHN.

WE WALK INTO THE DINER ONE DAY,

AND THEY HAD A JUKEBOX THERE,OKAY?

AND THE JUKEBOX WAS THREE PLAYSFOR A DOLLAR.

SO WE PUT IN $7

AND SELECTED 21 PLAYS

OF TOM JONES'"WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN WE ORDERED AND WAITED.

HERE'S THE THING

ABOUT WHEN"WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?" PLAYS

OVER AND OVER AND OVERAND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

THE SECOND TIME IT PLAYS,YOUR IMMEDIATE THOUGHT IS NOT,

"HEY, SOMEONE'S PLAYING'WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?' AGAIN."

IT'S, "HEY,'WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?'

IS A LOT LONGERTHAN I FIRST THOUGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE THIRD TIME IT PLAYS,YOU'RE THINKING,

"MAYBE SOMEONE'S PLAYING'WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?' AGAIN."

THE FOURTH TIME IT PLAYS,YOU'RE EITHER THINKING,

"WHOA, SOMEONE JUST PLAYED'WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?'

"FOUR TIMES, OR AT LEASTSOMEONE PLAYED IT TWICE,

AND IT'S A REALLY LONG SONG."

SO THE FIFTH TIMEIS THE KICKER, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, JOHN AND I --

WE'RE WATCHING THE ENTIRE DINERAT THIS POINT, ALL RIGHT?

MOST PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN WINDAS TO WHAT'S GOING ON.

AND WE'RE STARINGAT THIS ONE GUY,

AND HE'S SITTING IN, LIKE,

A BOOTH WITH HIS STUPID KIDSJUMPING AROUND,

AND HE'S, LIKE, STARINGAT HIS COFFEE CUP LIKE THIS.

AND HE'S BEEN ONTO USSINCE THE BEGINNING.

AND HE'S SITTING THERE,AND HIS HAND IS SHAKING.

HE HAD THIS LOOK ON HIS FACE

LIKE HE HAD JUST GOTTENHIS 30-DAY CHIP

FROM ANGER MANAGEMENT.

AND HE'S STARING LIKE THIS,AND THE FOURTH SONG FADES OUT.

IT'S DEAD QUIET.

THEN -- I DON'T KNOWIF YOU KNOW THIS,

BUT THE SONG BEGINSVERY QUIETLY.

♪ WAMP, WAMP

♪ WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?

AND HE GOES, "GOD DAMN IT!"

AND POUNDS ON THE TABLE.

SILVERWARE FLIES EVERYWHERE.

AND IT WAS FANTASTIC.

BUT A WORD ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND,JOHN, AND WHAT A GENIUS HE WAS.

BECAUSE WHEN WE FIRST WALKEDINTO THE DINER, OKAY,

WHEN WE FIRST GOT THERE,

AND I'M PUNCHING IN THE "WHAT'SNEW, PUSSYCATS?" ALL RIGHT --

I'VE PUNCHED IN LIKE SEVENAT THIS POINT.

THEN JOHN SAYS TO ME,"HEY, HEY, HEY.

"BEFORE YOU PUNCH INANOTHER 'WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?'

LET'S DROP IN ONE'IT'S NOT UNUSUAL'"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, YES.

THAT IS WHEN THE AFTERNOONWENT FROM GOOD TO GREAT.

AFTER SEVEN "WHAT'S NEWPUSSYCATS?" IN A ROW --

IT PLAYED SEVEN TIMES.

SUDDENLY...

♪ DUM, DA, DUM,IT'S NOT UNUSUAL ♪

AND THE SIGH OF RELIEFHAS SWEPT THROUGH THE DINER.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

PEOPLE WERE SO HAPPY.

IT WAS LIKETHE LIBERATION OF FRANCE.

YOU KNOW, FOR YEARS,SCIENTISTS HAVE WONDERED,

"CAN YOU MAKE GROWN MENAND WOMEN WEEP TEARS OF JOY

BY PLAYING TOM JONES''IT'S NOT UNUSUAL'?"

AND THE ANSWER IS...YES, YOU CAN,

PROVIDED THAT IT IS PRECEDED

BY SEVEN"WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCATS?"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S TRUE.

DEAD HONEST.

AND ON THE OTHER HAND,

WHEN WE WENT BACK...

HOLY [BLEEP]

"IT'S NOT UNUSUAL" FADES OUT.

IT'S DEAD QUIET.

♪ WAMP, WAMP

♪ WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?

PEOPLE WENT INSANE.PEOPLE WENT OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

NO ONE COULD HANDLE IT.

NO ONE COULD HANDLE IT.

AND THEY WERE SURROUNDED BY THISSEEMINGLY INDIFFERENT STAFF

THAT WAS JUST LIKE,"YEAH, SAME CRAP AS ALWAYS."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THEY UNPLUGGED THE JUKEBOXAFTER 11 PLAYS.

AND THAT WAS THE BEST MEALI'VE EVER HAD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE BEST.

THANK YOU.

FOR YEARS, I WAS A CHILD.

AND DURING THAT TIME,I WAS TERRIBLE AT SPORTS.

I'M STILL AN AWFUL ATHLETE.

MY BODY IS BAD AT SPORTS.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

AND I SAY THAT MY BODYIS BAD AT SPORTS

BECAUSE I THINK MY BRAINIS GOOD AT SPORTS.

LIKE, I THINK MY BRAINUNDERSTANDS HOW A HUMAN BEING

COULD, LIKE, DRIBBLE DOWNA BASKETBALL COURT

AND THEN MAKE A LAYUP, RIGHT?

BUT THENIT HAS TO "OUTSOURCE" THE JOB

TO MY WEIRD AND FEMININE LIMBS.

AND SO WHEN I PLAY BASKETBALL,

IT LOOKS LIKEI JUST BOUGHT MY BODY

AND I DON'T KNOWHOW IT WORKS YET.

BUT I PLAYED.

I PLAYED BASKETBALL.

I PLAYED BASKETBALLFOR FIVE YEARS,

AND I WAS A BENCH WARMERALL FIVE YEARS.

AND IF YOU WERE NEVERA BENCH WARMER,

I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU

THE HUMILIATIONOF EVERY SATURDAY MORNING,

PUTTING ON A PAIROF BREAKAWAY PANTS

AND NEVER HAVING A REASONTO BREAK THEM AWAY.

THEN THEY'RE JUST PANTS.

I ONCE GOT INTO A GAME --

I ONCE GOT INTO A GAMEFOR THE LAST 30 SECONDS, OKAY?

'CAUSE WE WERE WINNING.

AND I WALKED OUT ON THE COURT,

AND I HAD TO GOHALF OF ONE MINUTE

WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

WALK OUT THERE,AND I GET FOULED RIGHT AWAY.

I GET KNOCKED TO THE GROUND.

SO THIS REFEREERUNS OVER TO HELP ME UP,

AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, HEY, HEY.

"DON'T YOU WORRY, SON.

WE'RE GONNA GET YOUSOME FREE THROWS."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO, NO, NO."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY.

"IF YOU'RE LOOKINGTO MAKE THIS UP TO ME,

MIGHT I SUGGEST AGIFT CERTIFICATE OF SOME KIND."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, AND IT WAS A TECHNICAL FOUL,SO THEY CLEARED THE COURT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY WERE LIKE, "YEAH.

"FEEL FREE TO USEALL THE SPACE YOU WANT

TO SUCK AS MUCH AS YOU DOAT THIS GAME."

SO IF YOU WEREIN THE STANDS THAT DAY,

YOU COULD WATCH MESHOOT FREE THROWS,

AND YOU COULD WATCH MY TEAMWATCH ME SHOOT FREE THROWS.

AND MY TEAM'S BENCHAT THAT MINUTE,

IT LOOKED LIKE SOME LIKE BIZARRELAST SUPPER PAINTING, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S SOME PEOPLE JUST LIKE,

"OH, HE'S NOT GONNA SHOOTFREE THROWS, IS HE?"

"OH, THIS IS A REALLY BAD IDEA."

AND MY COACH IN THE MIDDLEJUST LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELLHAVE YOU SENT ME?"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BAD.

THIS WAS SUCHA BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY.

IT REALLY WAS.

IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL TODAY

THAT I ONLY WATCHED FOUR HOURSOF "LAW & ORDER"

IN MY APARTMENT.

ONLY FOUR.

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

I LOVE IT VERY MUCH.

I LOVE THAT SHOWBECAUSE "LAW & ORDER"

IS THE SAME EPISODEEVERY SINGLE TIME.

LIKE, THE SAME THING HAPPENSON EVERY "LAW & ORDER,"

TO THE POINT THAT, LIKE, YOU SEETHE SAME TYPES OF CHARACTERS

ON EVERY "LAW & ORDER,"YOU KNOW?

THE SAME TYPES OF PEOPLETHEY BUST OUT.

SOME OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITESTHAT THEY HAVE --

THERE IS"GUY WHO WHILE BEING QUESTIONED

BY HOMICIDE DETECTIVESWILL NOT STOP UNLOADING CRATES."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, DOESN'T MATTER TO THIS GUY.

DOUBLE RAPE AND MURDER?

NAH!

HE'S GOT TO UNLOAD THAT VAN.

THE DETECTIVES SHOW UP WITHALL THESE SERIOUS QUESTIONS,

AND THIS GUY IS JUST LIKE,"TONY RAMIREZ?

YEAH, I REMEMBER HIM."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"USED TO WORK HERE TUESDAYS,RIGHT?"

IT'S LIKE,"DUDE, PEOPLE HAVE DIED!"

"HOW OFTEN...

ARE YOU QUESTIONEDBY HOMICIDE DETECTIVES..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"...THAT YOU'RE THIS CASUALABOUT IT?"

YOU KNOW WHO'S BLASéTALKING TO THE COPS?

CRIMINALS.

OTHER FAVORITESTHAT THEY HAVE ON THE SHOW --

THERE IS"JUDGE WHO ALLOWS EVERYTHING."

[ As woman ] "MM...

"I'LL ALLOW IT.

BUT WATCH YOURSELF, McCOY."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ]OH, YEAH.

SHE DOESN'T CARE WHAT HE WANTS.

SHE WILL ALLOW IT.

JUDGES ON THAT SHOWALWAYS SEEM SO BORED.

THEY'RE LIKE,"WHAT IS IT NOW, COUNSELOR?"

HOW ABOUTA [BLEEP] MURDER TRIAL?

IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

AND, OF COURSE, MY NEW FAVORITECHARACTER ON "LAW & ORDER,"

"THE NEW YORK CITY BARTENDERWHO RECOGNIZES EVERYBODY

THAT'S EVER BEENIN THE BAR EVER."

THEY HAND THIS GUY A PHOTO,AND HE'S LIKE, "AH!

YEAH!"

THEY ALWAYS MAKE THAT FACE, TOO.

THAT LIKE "YEAH!" FACE.

LIKE THEIR FACENEEDS TO ADJUST TO A PHOTOGRAPH.

LIKE THEY'RE LIKE,"OH! A PICTURE!"

"NOT FOR NOTHING,BUT FOR A SECOND,

I THOUGHT IT WAS A TINY PERSON."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YEAH!BLUE-SHIRT LADY.

"NICE LADY!

CAME IN HERE FRIDAY,AROUND 7:30."

THE COPS ARE LIKE,"NOW, DID SHE SEEM UPSET?"

"NO! SHE WAS SMILING."

"GUY SHE WAS WITH DIDN'T LOOKTOO HAPPY, THOUGH."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"HE LEFT ABOUT 9:35, 9:36."

IT'S LIKE, "WHICH NEW YORK CITYDO YOU WORK IN?"

"I LIVE WITH PEOPLEI DON'T RECOGNIZE."

AND THEN THEY ALWAYS ASKTHE SAME THING.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHY?

DID, UH --DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO HER?"

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH.

"SOMETHING MOST DEFINITELY DID.

"THAT'S WHY THE MURDER POLICEARE HERE

"WITH A PHOTOGRAPH OF HER,

TALKING ABOUT HERIN THE PAST TENSE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.THAT'S MY TIME.

YOU WERE FANTASTIC.THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

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