Fame

  • Season 4, Ep 6
  • 05/26/2016

Amy hosts a talk show from her luxury airship, gets Katfished and finds herself unable to resist the allure of a bad boy chef.

(announcer)This week on "Katfish."

All right, let's dialthis Amy girl up.

Let's seewhat's going on.

Hi, guys.

Hey!Hey!

Oh, my God,it's you guys.

The one with the gray hair and the one with not.

Yup.What's going on, Amy?

Yeah, what's the dealio?

I've been talkingto this guy, Jake...

for, like, a year?

And we met in a chatroomfor ferret fanatics.

He's been telling me that he loves me since week one.

But I'm pretty sureI'm being katfished.

What makes you say that?Yeah.

Because this is his picture.

Stay right there.Don't move.

So, he's saying he'sJake Gyllenhaal, the actor.

Yeah, that'sa major red flag.

Um... (chuckling)...I know.

So, how did he getin touch with you?

He just messaged me,and he said,

"You are the most beautifulwoman I've ever seen."

Yeah, that'sanother red flag.

(Amy)I know! I know, I know!

He said that,and I was, like,

"Oh, my God,I'm being katfished."

(laughing)

So, what does he say whenyou try to FaceTime him?

Busy, he's so busy,he's, like, "I can't.

I have to reada Hollywood movie script."

Wow, let's go find outwho's been katfishing you.

Oh, my God, am I goingon an airplane?

♪♪

Okay, so our unpaid interntracked down his IP address

from the e-mails he sent you,and this is it.

You ready to meet the guyyou've been chatting with?

Oh, my God,I'm so ready.

I hope it'san overweight lesbian

who can't makeeye contact.

(buzzer buzzes)(man) Hello?

Hi, it's Amy.

Okay, Amy, even thoughyour first emotion

is probablygonna be anger,

just try to remember thatthis person's hurting, too.

How much money do you getfor a spin-off show?

Like, "The Challenge"or whatever?What?

Like, I'm gonnaget MTV famous, right?

Drinks?

I knew it!

Yes! You're justa lonely loser!

Are you Amy?

I am who I said I am.

Who are you?!

She's here, sir!

Amy, hi!

God, it's so greatto finally meet you.

That's Samuel,my door assistant.

This is Falkor.

(Falkor chitters)

What's withall the cameras?

Why are you ruiningmy episode of "Katfish"?

I totally understandwhy you were worried.

I thought I wasbeing katfished

by someone pretendingto be a model.

But then, I felt like love isabout taking a chance and...

here you are,and I'm so glad I did.

So, all that stuffyou said about

being nominatedfor an Oscar,that was true?

Of course,why would I lie?

That's, like,a really cool thing to get.

And all thoseawesome stories

about you eating shrimpat craft services?

I guess those wereall true, too.

I would never lieto you, Amy.

Where's Margot,by the way?

Margot?Your beloved ferret?

Oh, um... I got--I got rid of her.

What-- what are youtalking about?

I sold her so thatI could afford a publicist

for when I got famouson "Katfish."

Are you serious?

I mean, she'd shitall over the place,

and she smelled like dicks.

I didn't even knowwhat a ferret was.

I thought it was just,like, a long gerbil.

I thoughtyou loved ferrets.

I thought they wereyour main hobby.

Were you lying to me?

Yeah, I thoughtI was being katfished.

(bleep) you.(bleep) me?

(bleep) you, Amy!

I believed in you!

God, this isso (bleep) embarrassing!

(bleep) you!

(bleep) you, Amy!

I believed in you!

I can't-- God, this isso (bleep) embarrassing!

So embarrassing!

(bleep) you!

(Amy sighs)

So, like, when does--when does this air?

Come on, we're notgonna air this.

You weren't katfished.

Of course you were,

you gorgeous idiot.

They've been hot Chinatowngarbage this whole time.

What?

(insect buzzing)

"Katfish."

Coming up next on MTV,

"True Life:I'm Hot Chinatown Garbage."

aboard a luxury airshipthat never touches the ground

for tax reasons,it's "Down To Earth,"

with your host,a regular normal person,

just like you,Amy Schumer!

Oh!

We've got a great showfor you tonight!

But first, let's say "Hi"to the Down to E Band,

Selenaand the Schume-tones!

♪♪

♪ She has a cheffor her dog ♪

♪ She boughta convent in Prague ♪

♪ She owns three precogs

♪ This girl isjust like you ♪

♪ J-j-j-just like you ♪

Look, at you,Miss Rosetta Stone.

Look how good your Englishhas gotten, I love!

I was born in Texas.

So... now it's timefor our first segment,

I'm Just Like Us!

That's right, guys,

I get coffee and bagel,just like me.

And that's my new miniaturedinosaur, Pom Pom,

wearing Narciso Rodriguez.

There are a lotof misconceptionsabout min-dins,

but believe you me,they are the sweetest,

most loving petthat you can pay

to have geneticallyre-engineered.

Pom Pom is a rescuefrom extinction

and Steven Spielby.

Okay, and then here's mewith Perez... Hilton.

So, look, I get a cup of joe,no fancy drink for me.

I just say, coffee.

But, uh, uh,you know what?

I have hard daysjust like everyone else.

And here's what happened,so the barista...

she got mad whenPom Pom had to make shit.

So, I left,and let's just say

I won't be going back.

♪♪

Today's topic isusing a hidden camera

to spy on your maidwho steals.

Let's go to the Relato-Camand see what mine is stealing.

There she goes again!

Stop stealing!

(speaking Spanish)

Do I have a maid? Yes.

Do I know her name? No.

But I'm just like you.

I still washmy own legs.

I still domy own masturbating.

Thank you.

Seleña,am I saying that right?

Masturbating or my name?

(text alert pings)

Mmm, wow.

I didn't even knowI was up for that award.

(chuckles)

Here's alife hack for you.

After I make a callor take a vaggie,

I like to shred my phoneso it doesn't get hacked

by Internet robots who aresuper jelly, like so.

(whirring)

Voilà!

Then have yourpersonal assistant

bring you a new phone.

Easy Peasy, beautiful.Assistant!

♪♪

No, she does notneed walk-on music.

Ooh, thank you,I love your blouse.

Alligators.

What is your name?

I'm your sister, Kim?

Ooh, "Sister Kim."

A nun, high-end.

Now we're gonna meetour first guest.

Not a celebrity,he's just a regular,

normal poor personlike Seleña.

My pilot, Jermone.Jero-- Jerome.

Jerome.

♪♪

(Amy)Careful, Jermone.

Here, have a seat.

You can take a kneeright there.

Fun, welcometo the show.

No problem,I was already here.

Just, uh...steering the zeppelin.

I can relate,interesting.

I'm just like you.

You're the boss lady,Miss Schumer.

Miss Schumer ismy mother's pussy's name.

You can just call meAmerica's Golden Eagle.

Well, America's...Golden Eagle.Ew.

I just mainlyfly the zeppelin.Mmm.

Refuel the zeppelin.

Do zeppelin repairs,stuff like that.

(shutter clicks)Actually, I should

probably get backto the controls.

Nonsense,you're my guest,it's an honor.

For more information,check out my lifestyle website.

Engorge.biz.

(loud whooshing)Oh, my God,what's going on?

Nobody's flyingthe zeppelin, you idiot!

You have to go downwith the ship because

you're in the band,and it's Titanic!

Or we could justpull up the controls.

I mean, we're 40,000feet up in the air.

No time!

We need to cut weight!

I can fix it!

Shut up!(Jerome screams)

You need to bemy human parachute.

They havereal parachutes.

It's fine.Shut up, Seleña!

Remember,I'm just like you!

Well, I'm gonnago fix this.

♪♪