Extended - Thursday, April 28, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 04/28/2016

Chris Gethard, Jen D'Angelo and Aisha Tyler share secrets about Ted Cruz, make up #GentlerSongs and spill fake "Game of Thrones" spoilers in this extended, uncensored episode.

THE PRESSURE'S ON FOR TEXASC.H.U.D. AND HUMAN FLESH EATER

TED CRUZ TO DERAIL THE TRUMPTRAIN BEFORE THE CONVENTION, SO

YESTERDAY HE UNLEASHED A NEWSECRET WEAPON-- CARLY FIORINA!

THEY-THEY LOOK LIKE SOMEONEPHOTOSHOPPED THE SAME FACE ON

TWO HAIRS.

(LAUGHTER)SO... WE JUST, UH...

(APPLAUSE)(WHOOPING)

HE JUST TAPPED THE FORMERHEWLETT-PACKARD OVERLORD AS HIS

VP BECAUSE, UH, THEY'RE LIKE TWOWEASELS IN A POD!

SO HERE'S CARLY SINGING A CREEPYLITTLE TUNE ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE

LOVES TED CRUZ'S DAUGHTERS.

>> ♪ I KNOW TWO GIRLSTHAT I JUST ADORE

I'M SO HAPPYI CAN SEE THEM MORE... ♪

>> OH, GOD.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)>> THAT'S LIKE WHEN A WITCH

SINGS BEFORE SHE KILLS KIDS,LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THAT'S EXACTLY

RIGHT.

A HUNDRED POINTS FOR THAT.

IT ACTUALLY MADE ME THINK OFTHIS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)IT ACTUALLY MADE ME THINK OF

THIS.

♪ ONE, TWOCARLY'S COMING FOR YOU

THREE, FOURBETTER LOCK THE DOOR... ♪

FIVE, SIX, GET YOUR CRUCIFIX.

SHE'S TED CRUZ'S RUNNING MATE.

UH, BUT I CAN'T BLAME CARLY.

TED CRUZ'S DAUGHTER CAROLINE ISSUPER SMART.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN HERTALK ANYWHERE, BUT SHE IS

HYPER-ARTICULATE.

VERY SMART LITTLE GIRL.

CHECK HER OUT ON ANDERSON COOPERTALKING ABOUT HER RECENT

DADDY-DAUGHTER PICNIC AT SCHOOL.

>> SHE GOT TO DRESS UP DADDY IN,LIKE, THIS PINK BOA AND THESE,

LIKE, BIG GOOFY-LOOKING, UH...

>> UNDERWEAR.

>> ...UNDERWEAR AND...

>> AND FYI, THAT WAS ON AVIDEOTAPE THE WHOLE TIME.

>> UH-OH.

>> AND NOW IT'S A CLASS VIDEOTHAT THEY'RE SENDING OUT TO ALL

THE PARENTS.

>> OH, REALLY?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: MM. MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH, THANK YOU FOR MENTIONINGTHAT, DAUGHTER THAT I LOVE AND

DO NOT WISH TO STRANGLE RIGHTNOW... AND OFFER HER BLOOD AS A

SACRIFICE TO THE DARK LORD!

ONE THING IS SURE, THOUGH, THEKID IS VERY SHARP.

I WOULD ACTUALLY VOTE FOR HER.

SHE'S, UH, ANGLING FOR A 2048RUN ALREADY.

SO, COMEDIANS, AS CRUZ'SPRECOCIOUS LITTLE DAUGHTER, TELL

ME SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT HIM THATWAS CAUGHT IN THE VIDEO.

AISHA.

>> DADDY WATCHING RUPAUL'S DRAGRACE IN MOMMY'S NEGLIGEE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)UH, JEN.

>> UH, ONE TIME AT A BIRTHDAYPARTY I SAW MY DADDY...

IS HE GONE?

OKAY, THAT GUY IS NOT MY DAD.

HE'S A...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)CHRIS.

>> ONE TIME DADDY AND MOMMYSPOKE TO EACH OTHER AT DINNER,

AND WE ALL GOT SCARED.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS. POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIMEFOR OUR #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)FRIDAY MARKS THE RELEASE OF

VIEWS FROM THE 6, THE NEWESTSTUDIO ALBUM FROM RAPPING THROW

PILLOW DRAKE.

LAST WEEK HE TWEETED OUT THEALBUM'S COVER ART.

HERE'S A PHOTO. WHERE IS HE?

I CAN'T SEE HIM.

JACK, ENHANCE! THERE HE IS!

(LAUGHTER)LOOKS LIKE HE'S CONSIDERING TO

JUMP TO HIS DEATH JUST SO HISOBITUARY CAN SAY: STARTED AT THE

TOP, AND NOW HE'S HERE.

SO IN HONOR OF HIP-HOP'SGENTLEST GENTLEMAN, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #GENTLERSONGS.

#GENTLERSONGS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: "THANK THEPOLICE," OR: "I HUGGED A MAN IN

RENO JUST TO WATCH HIM FEELBETTER."

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

JEN.

>> "MO'MONEY, MO'CHARITY."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS!

(LAUGHTER)>> "I WISH JESSIE AND HIS GIRL

THE VERY BEST."

>> HARDWICK: NICE! POINTS!

(LAUGHTER)CHRIS.

>> "SMELLS LIKE SCHOOL SPIRIT."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

AISHA.

>> "MY NECK, MY BACK, MYHOOHAW, AND MY NONE OF YOUR

BEESWAX."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)CHRIS GETHARD.

>> "WU-TANG CLAN AIN'T NUTHINGTA MAKE GENTLE LOVE WITH."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)(WHOOPING, CHEERING)

OH...

NOW I WANT TO HEAR THAT.

AISHA.

>> "I HAVE CLOSE PLATONIC FEMALEFRIENDS IN DIFFERENT AREA

CODES."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)CHRIS.

>> "I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THELAW WAS VERY RESPECTFUL OF MY

OBJECTIONS."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

POINTS.

JEN.

>> "I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT IN THEGRAND SCHEME OF THEM NONE OF

THEM ARE REALLY BIG PROBLEMS--I'M FINE."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

YEAH, POINTS.

UH, GAME OF THRONES IS BACK.

UH, OR GAME OF THRON-ES, AS WEPRONOUNCE IT IN LOS AN-HELES.

UH...

AND EVERYONE HAS WESTEROS FEVER,WHICH IS EXCITEMENT FOR THE

SHOW.

IT'S NOT A SICKNESS WHERE YOUDIE WHILE BANGING YOUR TWIN

SISTER.

UH, SPEAKING OF...

(AUDIENCE GROANS)UH, WELL...

SHE'S THE ONLY ONE WHOUNDERSTANDS HIM.

UH... SPEAKING OF WHICH, UH,CHECK OUT MY NEW FAVORITE VIDEO

GAME FOR GAME OF THRONES THAT ISAW ON REDDIT THE OTHER NIGHT.

HERE IT IS.

(GAME OF THRONES THEME PLAYING)IT'S THE 8-BIT SPANKING THAT

GETS ME, YEAH.

>> OH, WOW.

>> OH, MY GOD.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)>> SO TERRIBLE.

>> HARDWICK: THE THINGS I DO FORA HIGH SCORE.

COMEDIANS, SINCE FANS ARECONSTANTLY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT, LET'SHELP 'EM OUT WITH SOME POSSIBLE

SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON OF GAMEOF THRONES THAT'S HAPPENING

RIGHT NOW IN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN. CHRIS.

>> TYRION KILLS DUMBLEDORE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AISHA.

>> THE FRESH PRINCE MOVES TOWESTEROS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> THEY FINALLY ANNOUNCE THEWINNER OF THE GAME OF THRONES,

AND IT'S RICHARD HATCH FROMSEASON ONE OF SURVIVOR.

>> HARDWICK: OH, GOOD.

GOOD CALLBACK. POINTS.

JEN.

>> JON SNOW'S DIREWOLF AIR BUD'SHIS WAY ONTO A BASKETBALL TEAM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> THEY REVEAL WESTEROS EXISTSIN THE MIND OF AN AUTISTIC BOY

WHO IS IMMEDIATELY BEHEADED.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

THE ST. ELSEWHERE ENDING. JEN.

>> SANSA JUST TAKES A NICE,QUIET ME DAY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

AISHA.

>> THEY FINALLY ADD A BLACKWALKER, AND THEN IT DIES IN THE

FIRST SCENE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.