Nick Vatterott

  • Season 1, Ep 108
  • 05/25/2012

Nick Vatterott examines costumed drunks weeping on Halloween and the song "Bear Rug for Kevin."

I'm glad you guys are here tonight.

I don't want to offendanybody tonight. I am.

I'm glad you guysall made it out.

I just read--Did you guys read that thing

on Yahoo this morning?

They had a list, another listof things you can't say anymore

'cause it offends people.

You can't say anything anymore.

You can't say...What was on the list?

"Crazy," 'cause that offends

people who havea mental disorder.

These are all real.These are real.

I don't mean to offend you.

That was the whole pointof every word I've said.

That's most of everything I'veever said to you in my life,

"I don't want to offend you."

You can't say "lame,"

'cause that offends peoplethat have a bad leg.

These are all true.

You can't say "cracker penguin,"

'cause that offendswhite guys that can't fly.

What can you say anymore,you know?

Can't say "douche bag,"'cause that offends

people that playfor the Yankees.

(cheering)I mean, you can't...

That's right! I'll pander!

I like my haircut!

I hang out on Wednesdays!

I waited tablesfor a real long time.

I, uh...

One time, uh, one time,this guy goes,

(British accent):"Tell me aboutyour catch of the day."

And I didn't know what it was,uh, so I just made something up.

I was like,

(dramatic voice):"So there I was...

"middle of the ocean,

"when suddenly,out of the water,

"jumped a mahi-mahithe size of a manatee-manatee.

"He knocked me to the bottomof my small boat.

"I punched him in the face.

"And then he spit a tooth outinto his fin

"and then smiledlike he liked it.

"I knew it was either him or me.

"That's when I noticed a scarunder his eye and realized

"that was the same fish thatkilled my parents 20 years ago.

It comes with rice."

Ah, man, then there'sthe people,

oh, the peopleon the low-carb Atkin diets--

they would order sandwicheswith no bread.

Like bread's their problem.

(laughs)

"Uh, better hold onto that bread.

"I got a bit of a bread bellygoing on right here.

"Oh, yeah, this is fromall the bread I eat.

"Yeah, this is from the 12-packof bread I have every night.

"This big old butt,that's all bread back there.

"And this thing that hangs down,

"I don't know what it is,but it's bread.

"And these chins are bread.

"It's all bread! It's all bread!

It's all bread."

Some of it's cake.

There's always that one guy,

just (bleep) on everythingyou have to say, you know?

Comes out of the dish room,walks into your conversation.

"What, you likedthat movie, man?

"I hated that movie.Yeah, don't go on YouTube.

"I think it's stupid. I thinkthe whole Internet's stupid.

"Where's John? I don't know,he's probably at his house

"eating or some(bleep) like that.

"What, are you breathingover there?

(bleep) you."

Geez, man.

There's always, like,

a super-positive personat your work, too.

Like, depressingly positive.Right?

I used to workwith this girl Carol.

One time, I was like,"Hey, Carol,

what are you working onover here?"

"I'm just putting together ideasfor my Halloween costume!"

I'm like, "It's June."

"I know!

I can't wait!"

"Must be a prettygreat costume."

"It is!I'm gonna be a hamburger!"

(shrieking)

It's like, geez,put your face back on, you know?

I love Halloween.

Oh, man, I love Halloween.

It's the best. I love...

Ladies look so goodon Halloween.

I love the costumes.

Sexy kitten.

Sexy nurse.

Sexy fire truck accident.

Sexy...

Abraham Lincoln lobster man.

You know it.

You've all seen it, right?

Favorite thing to doon Halloween is, uh,

right when all the bars get out,

all the drunk peoplecome out in their costumes.

It's the best.

It's abso...It's the best, isn't it?

My very-- I love the dude,I love the dude--

I love dudes that get so drunk,

they start walkingevery direction, you know?

Like, my favorite is the guy,like, he's so drunk, he...

he looks like when your buddysucks at video games

and keeps getting his guystuck in the corner, you know?

Just...

"Press X!"

"It just makes him pee!"

(laughs)

watching the stuck-updrunk girls

come out cryingin their costumes.

Sometimes you got to wait twominutes, but one will come out.

And, uh, oh, it's so great.

They come out just like...

(mumbling incoherently)

"I don't even knowwhy I'm crying.

(sobs)

"I think I ran outof things to say,

"but still wanted the nightto revolve around me!

"Let me call Bethany;I'll see if she's crying.

"Oh, my God, Bethany,are you crying?

"Oh, my God, I'm crying, too!

"Yeah, I don't know why, either.

"Can you hold on? Okay.

"Do you have a cigarette?

"Oh, my God, thank you!

"Thank you so much...

"Thank you so much.

(sobbing):"You look cute...

"Guess who was at the bar.

"Mark was at the bar.

"It's so hard.

"Do you have a light?

"Yeah? What's back--What's backwards, huh?

"What's back...

"Oh, my God!

"Thank you!

"Thank you so much.

"Thank you so much...

(babbling)

"Cute shoes.

(wailing)

"And then I went overand I got him a rum and Coke,

"'cause you knowhow he likes rum and Cokes.

(sobbing):"I went over there,

"and then I walked overto where he was sitting.

"I didn't realizethat he was over there

"making out withsome other girl.

"And I'm just sitting thereholding two drinks,

dressed likea goddamn hamburger!"

(shrieking)

(cheering)

Ah, I don't know a lotof Spanish, though.

I, uh...

I was at a garage saleover the summer.

They had one of thoseRosetta Stone,

learning-how-to-speak-Spanish CDs.

And it was, like, ten bucks.

Like, that's a steal.So I stole it.

I get home, I open up the CD,and they were all scratched.

That's why they were so cheap,you know?

But I think it's goodI noticed that because

I was planning on playingwhile I was asleep

to try to subconsciouslylearn Spanish.

What if I did thatand I was in Mexico, like,

¿Hola, que esta d-d-d-d-d-d-d.

do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,

ton-ton-ton-ton, do-duh-duh-duhduh-duh-duh-duh-duh,

do-do-do-do-do-do,ton-ton-ton-ton, amigo"?

Would have been awkward.

I think the saddest partabout going out

drinking by yourself is taggingyourself in all the pictures

the next day.

(laughs) Did you guysever get a Facebook request

from somebody who has a babyfor their profile picture?

I'm always, like, "Is this thatbaby I was hanging out with?

"Is that babyI met last weekend?

How does he know computers?"

My buddies back homeare always, like,

"Hey, Vatterott, when are yougonna be famous?

When you gonna be famous?"

I always tell them, "As soonas they find the bodies."

'Cause I murder people,you know.

They're all getting marriedright now, you know.

When everybody, you know,

when anybody gets married,they always want to tell you

the story of their love,you know?

And I indulge, like,

"You're getting married?When did you know?!

When did you know?!

When did you know?!When did you know?!

When did you know?!

When did you know?!When did you know?!

When did you know?!

When was that momentthat he looked at her,

and the moon just hit herjust right?

And you just knewshe was pregnant.

When did you know?Is it right now?

Completely wrong number.

This is what this guy says:

"So when we get paid,you get paid.

"So last night.So when do we all get paid?

So you're not gonna pay me?"

I reply, "I pay you...

"but it's Friday nightand I gots to spend some

"of this cheeseon skirts and eyewear

if I'm gonna look goodfor Father."

That's how I tell people theyhave the wrong number, you know?

(laughs)So that should be the endof it, right?

That should be the endof the conver...

He should be, like, "Oh, I musthave the wrong number."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,not this kid.

'Cause he goes,"What, you not pay me?

"Okay, I will just calland tell them the holes

is not done right."

I go, "The holes are fine.(laughs)

"It's the solid matteraround the holes

that are all outof whack-a-doodle."

He goes, "I will call themtomorrow and tell them

"the job is not done right.I need to get paid.

So when do I get paid?"

I say, "When the time is right,and it's ladies' night,

and everybody's upfor getting down."

I love this guy for, like,a million reasons, you know?

But, like,even if it doesn't occur

to him that he hasthe wrong number,

where is the part of hisbrain that's, like,

"Why is my boss talkingto me

like he's never talkedto me before?" Right?

"Is our boss have our money?

You know our boss--

always looking good for Father."

(laughs)

So, all right...

so I started giving him hintsat this point, okay?

He goes, "Okay, I'm askingwhen I get paid."

I say, "Money is nothingmore than numbers, man."

He goes, "I need itto pay my class."

I go, "You need to getyour numbers straight

if you're ever gonna get paid."

He goes, "What you mindby that?"

I go, "Mean your own business."

He goes, "What?"(laughs)

I go, "Dude, I'd loveyou're going to school.

"I love your workingto pay for it,

"but if you really wantto get somewhere in life,

you got to get your phonenumbers and verbs right."

He says, "I what to workfor you, but I need

"to get paid so I can paymy bills, too.

"I need money to goto court Tuesday

to fight for my babies."

There's a reason those babies

were taken from this guy,all right?

I go, "Don't tell meabout babies.

I used to be a baby!"

Preaching to the cradle.

I go, "Listen, man,I can't be any more blunt.

You're textingthe wrong number."

He goes,"Okay, see you in court."

I'm trying tofind love, though.

Yeah, I'm trying to find...

I went on Craigslistto search for love.

Get some furnitureand some love on there.

I don't know who Craig is,but, uh,

you know how people nevermatch their profile picture?

I went out with this girl.

She turned out to bea real butter dick.

(laughter)

(laughter)

I live in Brooklyn now.

My neighborhood,there's this guy

who's been mugging peoplein my neighborhood.

And they have signs upfor the guy,

and they have a descriptionfor him.

It says he hassandy blonde hair.

Which I thinkthat's an adorable way

to describe your assailant.

How did that go down?

There's some guy's, like,

"Officer, Officer, that guy--he stole my briefcase!"

"What did he look like?"

"Ah, he had sandy blonde hair,

"eyes you can lose yourself in,

"lips that are made for kissing.

You gotta get this guy,you know."

"Any more details?"

"I don't know, washboard abs,

"an ass that wouldn't quit,

"a real tall drink of water!

I need my briefcase!"

There's guys in my neighborhoodthat, uh... All they...

They hang out in frontof this bodega,

and all they ever do is, uh,tuck in their shirts

and ask wherethe other guys are.

Do you know people like that?

All day long--"Hey, you guys seen Tony?

Tony been around?"

"No." "All right."

"Hey, where's Jim at?Jim been back?"

"No." "All right, all right."

"Hey, is Rick inside?""No." "All right, all right.

Here we go. Oh, my God,here we go, yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Hey, Rick, how you doing?"

"Hey, is Stu working tonight?"

"Stu's not working today."

"All right."

"Tell Ken I stop by."

"All right, I will."

All right.

I can do some, ah, charactersfor you right now.

This is a hardcore baby.

"All right, check it out.

"I'm a hardcore baby.

Aww... waah..."

"Yo, I'm tired." "Mm-hmm."

"I'm, like, for reals tired.

Like, for reals tired.""Mm-hmm."

"I wore myself outplaying all day long

"'cause I'm a hardcore baby.

"Oh... waah.

"Hey, yo, check it out.

I'll go to my crib, right?""Mm-hmm."

"There's a baby girl in my crib.

"I'm like, 'Hey, yo, baby girl,

"'This ain't Twitter,this ain't Facebook.

This is MySpaceHardcore Baby.'"

(laughter)

"Oh, waah."

Hey, I know I come offas a hardcore baby,

mm-hmm,but I do have a soft spot.

(chuckles)

There's a guythat does commercials

for a furniture store.

"Come on downto Tom's Furniture!

"We're having Tom Dayall Tom Weekend long!

"Take ten percent off all

"Tom tables, Tom chairsand Tom sofas!

"It's Tom Day, so come on downto Tom's Furniture

and ask for me, Pete!"

(laughter)

This a lady from Wisconsinhaving sex.

(clears throat)

(takes deep breath)

(falsetto):"Oh, yeah.

"Oh, sure.

"Oh, sure...

"Oh, don't even worryabout it.

"Don't even worry about it.

(chuckles)

I asked my buddywhat his favorite song was.

He goes, "Can't Stop Believin'."

I go, "What song is that?

He goes, "You know,Journey, man."

♪ Can't stop believin'.

I go, "You mean,'Don't Stop Believin''?"

It's pretty badif you don't even know

the right words to yourfavorite song, you know.

"Can't Stop Believin'"?

That's just about a guywho's gullible, you know.

He goes, "Yeah, what's yourfavorite song, then?"

I go, "Bear Rug For Kevin."

I did it right back to him,you know.

Because "Bear Rug For Kevin,"what song is that?

I was like, "Oh, I don't know.

Only the greatest classic rocksong of all time".

♪ And she's buying

♪ A bear rug

♪ For Kevin.

(cheering and applause)

See, there's a, uh...

There's a guy I used to workwith in Reno years ago.

A standup comedian.

Been on the road for decades.

Uh, what happens in Renois why people go to Vegas.

Uh, please give it up for thecomic stylings of Monster!

Hey, how's everybody doing,everybody?

Hey, how's everybody doing,everybody? All right!

Hey, we're not going nowhere.

We're not going nowhere,everybody.

All right, okay, okay,okay, all right.

What's going on? What's goingon? What's going on?

Oh, I ran into him, I ran in.

Um...and they're going to end up

going in the gongomore than the mimo.

Like bingy.

More like bongo.

Ooh...

You know what I'm talking about.

(mumbling)

Thank you, thank you.

All right, I gotta wrap it up.Gotta wrap it up, all right.

Uh...

(speaking gibberish)

(speaking gibberish)

And he goes like,

"Oh, monster!"

Right? You know?

I'm going like,

"Ahhhhhh!"

This guy is all like,"Oh, is this happening?

Is this really happening?"

I'm going like,

"Ahhhh!"

(sobbing)

I wasted my life.

I wasted it!

You were like, "Ahhhhh!"

(sobbing)

(groaning)

Huh, some people.

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