Dan St. Germain compares stoned revelations to drunk revelations, and Andy Zaltzman is sure of what most people would do if they had an invisible hand.
I remember where I was.
I was sitting at home on mycouch watching the TV.
Some of you may have asimilar story.
But I now know where I wish Iwas instead,
'cause it wasn't at home.and it wasn't in Pakistan.
I wish that I was in Tampa,Florida
at a WWE Wrestling event.
How do I know this?
'Cause I've been on Youtubeand I saw the news of
Bin Laden's death announcedto a sold-out Tampa crowd of
wrestling fans by theprofessional wrestler
John Cena and it was[bleep] incredible.
John Cena climbed into thering and he said,
"I've never been moreproud than I am right now
"to be an American.
"I walk into this ring everyday with hustle,
"loyalty and respecton my sleeve."
It's worth noting though, atthis point, he was sleeveless.
He went on to say, "I amproud to announce to you that
"we have caught and compromisedto a permanent end,
"Osama Bin Laden."
And Tampa went bat[bleep] crazy.
And I watched this clip withmy heart pounding,
slowly realizing that Iprefer that to what the
president said because thereis more poetry in that:
"caught and compromisedto a permanent end."
Where did that come from,professional wrestler?
And where can I get a littlemore?
That's what I wanted to hearfrom the president,
and if I'm honest, I alsowould have liked him to have
been shirtless, if I'mhonest.
If I'm honest 'cause ifthere's ever a time for
an American president toaddress his nation shirtless,
that was that time and hewas that president...
looking straight downthe camera, saying,
"we have caught andcompromised to a permanent
end, Osama Bin Laden," beforefireworks shot out the side
of the podium and Def Leppardwere lowered from the ceiling
playing "Pour Some Sugar OnMe" as the president
moonwalked out of theOval Office, flexing.
I started smoking weed again.
You know, even when you have anegative realization on weed
it helps you become abetter person, you know?
When you're smoking weed,you're like,
"oh, my God, I'm selfish.I'm so selfish.
"I was brought up in middleto upper class, white male.
"I've everything going to me."
Opposing your drunkrealizations which are,
"you know, I'm gonna stoptaking [bleep] from cops."
Weed realizations are,
"oh, my God, there's a ladyselling cans on the corner.
"That's how she has to make herliving.
"I've never had to work thathard in my whole life."
As opposed to your drunkrealizations which are,
"I think that can ladywants to [bleep]."
I, uh, I got a lot ofdouchebag Twitter followers.
I got a lot of... this guynamed Heavy[bleep] follows me on
Twitter and hisTwitter handle is
"Heavy[bleep]., 55% badass,45% mother[bleep]."
And then underneath that hewrote, "disease-free," which...
You can't saysomething badass
about yourself and then write
something, like, morallyupstanding underneath it.
You know, I can't be like,"I'm Dan St. Germain:
65% hell raiser, 35%don't give a damn.
I love New York.
I'm coming up on ten yearsof living in New York and
I love living here.
Easy, easy, most of the time.
I got robbed the other night.
I was sitting outside... yes,thank you.
I was sitting outside at acoffee shop,
had my cell phone on thetable in front of me,
you know, just to give theillusion that people are
getting in touch with me.
And this kid walks by,grabs my phone and
just takes off and it took mybrain way too long to process,
"oh, that guy isnot coming back."
'Cause for a second, I thoughtit was a friend pulling
a prank on me, then Irealized I'm 31 years old.
My friends are around thesame age.
We don't really pull prankson each other that involve
It's really just couch-basedshenanigans from here on out.
And if you've neverbeen robbed, it sucks.
You feel like a chump becausesomeone has looked at you
from afar, judged yourcharacter and thought,
"this would be amissed opportunity."
And I know that I don't have themost intimidating demeanor.
I know what I look like uphere,
the sort of less muscular, Jew-yversion of Vin Diesel.
Like, I get it.
I look like Stanley Tucciafter one week on the
Appalachian Trail, you know?
I look like the guy whoruns the projector at
a White Power rally, you know?
I don't contribute to the hatebut I love the equipment.
This guy runs across thestreet with my phone into
a park and I wish I couldn'thave still seen him because
at that point my phone reallywasn't gone yet,
it was just over there.
I am just "NYPD Blue"-ing it,like,
over benches, aroundpeople and I'm screaming like
a child, "that guy stole myphone!
"That guy stole my phone!"
Because it's New York,everyone just checks to make
sure they have their phone...and just keeps on walkin'.
A real sense of communitywe're building around here.
I was getting pretty close, Iwas getting really close to
this guy and that's when it hitme that I don't have a plan
which you run into alot being an impromptuvigilante like I was.
Honestly, I'm just naiveenough to think,
"well, maybe if I get close,he'll just appreciate
"the effort, you know?"
Hand it back to me likea baton in some
weird, sort of corrupt relayrace...
which is not so farfrom what happened.
I got my phone back bywhining about it.
I got my phone... I was chasingafter this guy way longer
than either of usanticipated.
And the words justcame out of my mouth:
"oh, come on, man,that's mine!"
which has never beenyelled to a thief before.
I even overheard a pigeongoing, "what a pussy."
And I don't know if Istruck a nerve with
this guy, if he had had a badday or,
as we were running, herealized we didn't even have
the same service provider...but he just stopped in his
tracks, turned around and asI stood there waiting to get
shot over a cell phone,
he tossed it back to meand goes, "my bad."
And then just casuallywalked away.
And "my bad, my..." Was thereever a debate about whose bad?
I love that he kind ofapologized.
It's great, so don't worry,New Yorkers: crime is on
the rise but so is politeness.
I think, um, we've also learnedthe dangers of a lack of
regulation of the financialmarkets-- and there simply are
not enough jokes that startwith that as a setup line.
Adam Smith, the 18th centurycelebrity Scottish economist
and... please pay attention,people.
I have read nearly all ofAdam Smith's Wikipedia entry.
Adam Smith, he wrote aboutthe invisible hand that's
supposed to guide the financialmarkets of the world so you
don't need too much stateinterferences nudging things
in the right direction,
kind of self-regulating,but never enforced.
Now, this is all very well intheory but there's a problem
with this and I think we allhave to ask ourselves,
ask ourselves a question.
Do try to be honest withyourself as you answer it.
If you had an invisible hand,what would you do with it?
Here we see the problemin the system we've been
relying on, people.
Fundamental human nature.
We would steal things, wewould flip invisible birds at
people we don't like and wewould grope stuff and that is
exactly what our financialmarkets have been doing.
Almost all the money in theworld is borrowed.
When you take $10 from yourATM,
your bank will have borrowedit off a bank who'll have
borrowed it off another bankwho'll have borrowed it from
a convincing-looking manin a suit... who'll have
borrowed it off the IMFwho'll have borrowed it off
Albert pool halls and so on andso on.
So when you take your $10from your ATM,
what you are essentiallygetting is homeopathic money.
It has barely a trace of theoriginal cash left but some
absolute nut case hasinsisted it still works
exactly the same.
So... you just know, kind oflooking at the state of the
American economy, theEuropean economies across the
world, you just know thatChina is sitting back, saying
to itself, "well, this isturning out to be a [bleep]
"of a lot easier than wethought it was going to be."
Everybody lives with fear,everybody has some kind of
weird phobia. You know,snakes, or heights, or,
you know, water.
I think my fear is a lot morecommon than people are
willing to admit.
I am terrified that I amgoing to get stuck in an
elevator and have to poop.
That fear rules my wakinglife.
Because what are you gonnasay when they open the door?
"Oh, yeah, you know, that wasthere,
"but I figured, threeflights, who could..."
"No! You did it!
"You made that filthy filthwith your filthy self!"
It's got everything: shame,guilt, loss of control.
It's a Catholic trifecta.It's the perfect fear.
The only thing worse would beyou get into an elevator,
the most beautiful womanyou've ever met in your life
gets in with you, the doorsshut,
you get stuck and realize youjust had three black coffees
and the world's largest branmuffin.
What do you do?
"Oh, I'm reallysorry about that."
No, not an option.
You'd have to kill her.
Your reptilian brain wouldtake over and you would
just have to... [screams]
Just... "you'll understand whyI did this!
"You'll look down from heavenand be glad I did this in
And of course, when the doorsopen, your alibi'd up.
"Well, obviously, shetook a [bleep] and diedof embarrassment."
That's me running away.
That's my fear.
I'm afraid I'll murdersomeone against my will so
they don't see me poop in anelevator.