Dan St. Germain, Adam Lowitt, Andy Zaltzman, Dana Gould

  • Season 3, Ep 6
  • 08/24/2012

Dan St. Germain compares stoned revelations to drunk revelations, and Andy Zaltzman is sure of what most people would do if they had an invisible hand.

I remember where I was.

I was sitting at home on mycouch watching the TV.

Some of you may have asimilar story.

But I now know where I wish Iwas instead,

'cause it wasn't at home.and it wasn't in Pakistan.

I wish that I was in Tampa,Florida

at a WWE Wrestling event.

How do I know this?

'Cause I've been on Youtubeand I saw the news of

Bin Laden's death announcedto a sold-out Tampa crowd of

wrestling fans by theprofessional wrestler

John Cena and it was[bleep] incredible.

John Cena climbed into thering and he said,

"I've never been moreproud than I am right now

"to be an American.

"I walk into this ring everyday with hustle,

"loyalty and respecton my sleeve."

It's worth noting though, atthis point, he was sleeveless.

[LAUGHTER]

He went on to say, "I amproud to announce to you that

"we have caught and compromisedto a permanent end,

"Osama Bin Laden."

And Tampa went bat[bleep] crazy.

And I watched this clip withmy heart pounding,

slowly realizing that Iprefer that to what the

president said because thereis more poetry in that:

"caught and compromisedto a permanent end."

Where did that come from,professional wrestler?

And where can I get a littlemore?

That's what I wanted to hearfrom the president,

and if I'm honest, I alsowould have liked him to have

been shirtless, if I'mhonest.

If I'm honest 'cause ifthere's ever a time for

an American president toaddress his nation shirtless,

that was that time and hewas that president...

looking straight downthe camera, saying,

"we have caught andcompromised to a permanent

end, Osama Bin Laden," beforefireworks shot out the side

of the podium and Def Leppardwere lowered from the ceiling

playing "Pour Some Sugar OnMe" as the president

moonwalked out of theOval Office, flexing.

Yeah.

You know, even when you have anegative realization on weed

it helps you become abetter person, you know?

When you're smoking weed,you're like,

"oh, my God, I'm selfish.I'm so selfish.

"I was brought up in middleto upper class, white male.

"I've everything going to me."

Opposing your drunkrealizations which are,

"you know, I'm gonna stoptaking [bleep] from cops."

[LAUGHTER]

Weed realizations are,

"oh, my God, there's a ladyselling cans on the corner.

"That's how she has to make herliving.

"I've never had to work thathard in my whole life."

As opposed to your drunkrealizations which are,

"I think that can ladywants to [bleep]."

I, uh, I got a lot ofdouchebag Twitter followers.

I got a lot of... this guynamed Heavy[bleep] follows me on

Twitter and hisTwitter handle is

"Heavy[bleep]., 55% badass,45% mother[bleep]."

And then underneath that hewrote, "disease-free," which...

You can't saysomething badass

about yourself and then write

something, like, morallyupstanding underneath it.

You know, I can't be like,"I'm Dan St. Germain:

65% hell raiser, 35%don't give a damn.

"Perfect credit score."

I love New York.

I'm coming up on ten yearsof living in New York and

I love living here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Easy, easy, most of the time.

I got robbed the other night.

I was sitting outside... yes,thank you.

I was sitting outside at acoffee shop,

had my cell phone on thetable in front of me,

you know, just to give theillusion that people are

getting in touch with me.

And this kid walks by,grabs my phone and

just takes off and it took mybrain way too long to process,

"oh, that guy isnot coming back."

'Cause for a second, I thoughtit was a friend pulling

a prank on me, then Irealized I'm 31 years old.

My friends are around thesame age.

We don't really pull prankson each other that involve

running anymore.

It's really just couch-basedshenanigans from here on out.

And if you've neverbeen robbed, it sucks.

You feel like a chump becausesomeone has looked at you

from afar, judged yourcharacter and thought,

"this would be amissed opportunity."

And I know that I don't have themost intimidating demeanor.

I know what I look like uphere,

the sort of less muscular, Jew-yversion of Vin Diesel.

Like, I get it.

I look like Stanley Tucciafter one week on the

Appalachian Trail, you know?

I look like the guy whoruns the projector at

a White Power rally, you know?

[LAUGHTER]

I don't contribute to the hatebut I love the equipment.

This guy runs across thestreet with my phone into

a park and I wish I couldn'thave still seen him because

at that point my phone reallywasn't gone yet,

it was just over there.

I am just "NYPD Blue"-ing it,like,

over benches, aroundpeople and I'm screaming like

a child, "that guy stole myphone!

"That guy stole my phone!"

Because it's New York,everyone just checks to make

sure they have their phone...and just keeps on walkin'.

A real sense of communitywe're building around here.

I was getting pretty close, Iwas getting really close to

this guy and that's when it hitme that I don't have a plan

which you run into alot being an impromptuvigilante like I was.

Honestly, I'm just naiveenough to think,

"well, maybe if I get close,he'll just appreciate

"the effort, you know?"

Hand it back to me likea baton in some

weird, sort of corrupt relayrace...

which is not so farfrom what happened.

I got my phone back bywhining about it.

I got my phone... I was chasingafter this guy way longer

than either of usanticipated.

And the words justcame out of my mouth:

"oh, come on, man,that's mine!"

which has never beenyelled to a thief before.

I even overheard a pigeongoing, "what a pussy."

And I don't know if Istruck a nerve with

this guy, if he had had a badday or,

as we were running, herealized we didn't even have

the same service provider...but he just stopped in his

tracks, turned around and asI stood there waiting to get

shot over a cell phone,

he tossed it back to meand goes, "my bad."

[LAUGHTER]

And then just casuallywalked away.

And "my bad, my..." Was thereever a debate about whose bad?

I love that he kind ofapologized.

It's great, so don't worry,New Yorkers: crime is on

the rise but so is politeness.

I think, um, we've also learnedthe dangers of a lack of

regulation of the financialmarkets-- and there simply are

not enough jokes that startwith that as a setup line.

Adam Smith, the 18th centurycelebrity Scottish economist

and... please pay attention,people.

I have read nearly all ofAdam Smith's Wikipedia entry.

Adam Smith, he wrote aboutthe invisible hand that's

supposed to guide the financialmarkets of the world so you

don't need too much stateinterferences nudging things

in the right direction,

kind of self-regulating,but never enforced.

Now, this is all very well intheory but there's a problem

with this and I think we allhave to ask ourselves,

ask ourselves a question.

Do try to be honest withyourself as you answer it.

If you had an invisible hand,what would you do with it?

Here we see the problemin the system we've been

relying on, people.

Fundamental human nature.

We would steal things, wewould flip invisible birds at

people we don't like and wewould grope stuff and that is

exactly what our financialmarkets have been doing.

Almost all the money in theworld is borrowed.

When you take $10 from yourATM,

your bank will have borrowedit off a bank who'll have

borrowed it off another bankwho'll have borrowed it from

a convincing-looking manin a suit... who'll have

borrowed it off the IMFwho'll have borrowed it off

Albert pool halls and so on andso on.

So when you take your $10from your ATM,

what you are essentiallygetting is homeopathic money.

It has barely a trace of theoriginal cash left but some

absolute nut case hasinsisted it still works

exactly the same.

So... you just know, kind oflooking at the state of the

American economy, theEuropean economies across the

world, you just know thatChina is sitting back, saying

to itself, "well, this isturning out to be a [bleep]

"of a lot easier than wethought it was going to be."

you know, water.

I think my fear is a lot morecommon than people are

willing to admit.

I am terrified that I amgoing to get stuck in an

elevator and have to poop.

That fear rules my wakinglife.

Because what are you gonnasay when they open the door?

"Oh, yeah, you know, that wasthere,

"but I figured, threeflights, who could..."

"No! You did it!

"You made that filthy filthwith your filthy self!"

It's got everything: shame,guilt, loss of control.

It's a Catholic trifecta.It's the perfect fear.

The only thing worse would beyou get into an elevator,

the most beautiful womanyou've ever met in your life

gets in with you, the doorsshut,

you get stuck and realize youjust had three black coffees

and the world's largest branmuffin.

What do you do?

"Oh, I'm reallysorry about that."

No, not an option.

You'd have to kill her.

Your reptilian brain wouldtake over and you would

just have to... [screams]

Just... "you'll understand whyI did this!

"You'll look down from heavenand be glad I did this in

"five minutes."

And of course, when the doorsopen, your alibi'd up.

"Well, obviously, shetook a [bleep] and diedof embarrassment."

[LAUGHTER]

That's me running away.

That's my fear.

I'm afraid I'll murdersomeone against my will so

they don't see me poop in anelevator.

There, I've said it and nowI'm free.

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