July 5, 2016 - Michael Ian Black

  • 07/05/2016

Donald Trump posts an anti-Semitic tweet, and Larry discusses Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch's controversial chat with Michael Ian Black, Grace Parra and Ricky Velez.

Yes, all right.

Man!(whoops)

Look at this crowd.

Thank you very much.Thank you very much.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

I am Larry Wilmore.

Thank you for coming, guys.

Hope you guys hada nice Fourth of July,

uh, yesterday, or as we call ithere, White Juneteenth.

-Just something, uh...-(audience laughter)

Oh, there are a lotof Juneteenth fans, ah.

People are like, "Juneteenth?"

Google it, guys.

Or Black Google it, um,

Bloogle it, if you will,what it is.

Uh, you know what?So let's check in

with the red, whiteand blue attempts

to unblacken the White House.

13: According to a new poll,that's the percentage of people

who would rather seea giant meteor hit the earth

than see either Donald Trumpor Hillary Clinton

be elected president.

(laughter)

To be fair, to be fair,

Giant Meteor did pickElizabeth Warren

as its running mate.

To be fair.

People love her.

People do love her.

But speakingof extinction-level events,

the Clinton campaign avoideda big one earlier today

when the FBI wrapped upits investigation

into Hillary's e-mail scandal.

All right, FBI,what are your findings?

That the American peopleare sick and tired

of hearingabout your damn e-mails.

Wow.

(applause)

Wow.

Ooh.

I guess that's it.Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm told that's not the FBI.

I'm sorry.(chuckles)

All right, this is the FBI.

We cannot find a casethat would support

bringing criminal chargeson these facts.

We are expressing to justiceour view that no charges

are appropriate in this case.

(cheering and applause)

Yay.

(tired):Yay.

(laughter)

Bec... because in this cycle,scraping just below

the bare minimum for criminalitycounts as electable.

(applause)

All right.

Whatever.

Okay.

So, what exactlydid the FBI find?

There is evidence thatthey were extremely careless

in their handlingof very sensitive,

highly classified information.

Our secretary of statewas extremely careless.

(laughter)

Okay?

That's bad news if Hillarywants to be president,

but great news if she wants

her own multi-cam sitcom.

(laughter)

I think.

Anyway, the FBI notrecommending charges,

it's actually great newsfor the Clinton campaign,

and for once, I mean, you know,this, at least this doesn't have

that Clinton stink on it, right?

NEWSWOMAN: Her interview came after days of controversy

over a private meeting between former President Bill Clinton

and Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

Both have said they regret the meeting.

(sighs)

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, excuse me.

Just adding Loretta Lynchto my list of women

who regret privately meetingwith Bill Clinton.

-(laughter)-(muttering)

-(cheers and applause)-(muttering)

All right, please tell me,how did this happen?

Mr. Clinton got wordthat her plane was coming in.

He delayed. He was running late.

He stopped and waited for herto come onto the tarmac,

then privately metwith her for 30 minutes.

Well, he waited for her plane?

And what, he justtraipses across the tarmac

and, like, climbs aboard?

(like Bill Clinton): "Hey,hey, is that Loretta's plane?"

(laughter)

"Well, you know,I got to find out

"what's going on with her kids.

"Keep the engine running.

"I'll be right back.

"Yo, Loretta!

"Loret... come over, yeah.

"Park it over there. Yeah.

"No, not you, JetBlue.

You over there.You over there."

How's that work?

Okay, all right,here's the problem.

Because of Bill's meddling,Hillary doesn't even get

to really put the e-mail scandalbehind her, right?

'Cause it will always havea thin sheen

of Clinton corruption on it,

which is different from athin sheen of Sheen corruption.

(laughter)

If you've got a thin sheenof Sheen on you,

see a doctor immediately,is all I'm saying.

-(laughter)-You know? Mm.

I mean, Jesus,this whole election has...

It's been like a contest

to see who can (bleep) uptheir campaign the most.

-(laughter)-Right?

And this weekend,Hillary was clearly winning.

All right, Donald Trump,all you had to do was lay low.

(laughter)

How'd you do?

Donald Trump has fired offyet another tweet

that's gotten him into trouble.

WOMAN: ...declaring Hillary Clinton,

"the most corrupt candidate ever,"

over a six-pointed star and dollar bills.

The imagery evoking anti-Semitic stereotypes,

and it appeared ten days earlier

on a White Supremacist message board.

You had one job this week,Trump!

One job... was to shut up!

-(laughter and applause)-That's all you had to do.

And you went to anti-Semitism?

-(laughter)-Good Lord!

All right,citrus-hued vomit-bladder,

what was your excuse?

WOMAN: ...tweeting, "Dishonest media

"is trying their absolute best to depict a star in a tweet

"as the star of David,

rather than a sheriff's star or a plain star."

Really, Donald?

So, you thinkthis star represents sheriffs?

So, Israel's just a countryof sheriffs

trying to keep law and order

in the rootin' and tootin'-estMiddle East, huh?

-(laughter)-Yeah.

Well, I guess in some ways,

yeah, yeah, I guessthey kind of are, yeah.

All right,well, all right, Trump,

who are you blaming for this?

MAN: Daniel Scavino,

Trump's former New York golf course caddy,

turned social media director for the campaign,

now says he selected the star,

explaining he found it under Microsoft shapes.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

All right.

So, your golf caddy'sblaming Microsoft.

Okay.

Microsoft shapes.

I can see why 13% of people

chose death by meteorfor president now.

Here to tell us moreabout this situation,

please welcome retired Microsoftoffice assistant Clippy!

(cheers and applause)

Hey.

Hey, Clippy.

Hey, man,we haven't seen you in a while.

I see you want to begin a chat.

Oh, well... well, yeah.

Well, that's kind ofwhy you're here.

So, okay, so, Clippy,

the Trump campaign is chalkingthis whole thing up

to the default Microsoft shapes,but that seems absurd, right?

It looks like you want to knowmore about my default shapes.

-(laughter)-Uh, well, yeah, actually.

I mean... I mean,that would be very helpful.

-Oh, thanks, Clippy.-Do you want to create a circle?

-No, no, no.-Do you want to create a square?

No, no, no, no, no, I wanted...I wanted to talk about the...

-Do you want to create a Jewstar? -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

-(laughter, applause)-Whoa! Hold on.

Oh! Oh, my God!

So it is a defaultMicrosoft shape?

But, wait. Did you really justcall that a "Jew star"? The...

-(laughter)-Clippy, that's awful.

Oh, it looks likeyou find the Jews awful.

-No, no, no, no. Wait.Why would...? -(laughter)

Do you want to create a flyertelling Jews

to get out of your neighborhood?

No, I do...Clippy, stop!

Undo. Cancel. Go back.Go back, all right?

I heard you say...(in deep voice): "black."

Do you wantto create a party invitation

for your black friends?

I don't want to create a partyinvitation for my black...

I think we've gotten way offtrack here, Clippy.

-You're not... -Let's decorateit with party snacks.

-Wait. Oh...-(laughter and groaning)

Seriously,what the (bleep), Clippy?

(laughter,applause and cheering)

Shall I print off labelsto invite your big-booty hoes?

-Wait.-(laughter and groaning)

Wait. No. What are youtalking about, Clippy?

I'm only basing thison your browser history.

Okay, Clippy, all right,stop it right now.

I don't know any big-booty hoes.

That's whyI was searching for...

I mean,I wasn't searching for them.

-(laughter)-Wait...

Would you like me to builda wall around your party

-to keep Mexican rapists out?-No! Clippy, why...?

Delete. Delete. No.

I think I know why Microsoftgot rid of you a while back.

-Clippy, everyone. -Make America great again!

-All lives matter!-All right, we'll be right back.

-All lives matter!-We'll be right back.

-(cheers and applause)-All lives! -No, no, Clippy.

All right, welcome back!

Now... you've probably heard ofJack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey,

but you've probablynever heard this.

Jack Daniel's founderactually learned a lot

about making whiskeyfrom a slave.

The traditional story states that a preacher

named Dan Call taught the young Daniel how to make whiskey.

It was actually Nearis Green, a slave belonging to Call,

who taught Daniel the proper technique.

Jack Daniel's was inventedby a slave named Nearis Green?

(laughter)

Why are we learningabout this now?

(laughter)

Well, accordingto The New York Times,

a Jack Daniel's historian says,"When you look..."

(laughter)

"Millennials who dig social...

-(laughter)-justice issues"?

Wait. So thisisn't being revealed to us

as a mea culpa, it's being usedas a marketing campaign

to sell to millennials.

MAN: A Jack Daniel's executive, Phillip Epps,

has said that he didn't think Green's omission

from the distillery's history was ever a conscious decision,

but with the onset of the anniversary milestone,

he admits, "We realized it was something

that we could be proud of."

What the (bleep), Jack Daniel's?

(laughter)

Something you could be proud of?

No, it's not!

Okay? For more on this story,

we're joined by our ownGrace Parra, everybody.

-(cheering, applause)-Oh...!

Ha-ha!

-Hello, Larry!-Hey, Grace.

You know, the only thing hotterthan the South in July

is social justice.

We're talkin' black stuff.

♪ Nightly! Nightly!

No. Black stuff is hot?

No, no, no, Grace.

I'm not gonnalet you talk about slavery

-with your red carpet lingo.-Oh, but, Larry,

2016's hottest trend isacknowledging the contributions

of those enslaved duringAmerica's darkest epic, slavery.

(chuckles)

Watch out, Kunta Kinte, 'causethere's a new slave in town,

and his name is Nearis Green!

♪ Nightly! Nightly!

♪ Go, Nearis, go, Nearis

-♪ Go, Nearis, go, Nearis... -Grace, Grace, stop it.

Stop-stop raising the rooffor slaves, okay?

Please don'tturn this into a competition

-for Hollywood's hottest slave.-Ooh.

I mean, isn't it cynical?Don't you think it's cynical

that Jack Daniel'sis giving credit to a slave

just so that millennialswill buy their liquor?

Oh, Laraldo, of course it is.

-(laughter)-WILMORE: Mm.

You know, JD's thirstfor that millennial money

is more exposedthan Carrie Underwood's side leg

at the CMAs.

That Nashville star,

she proved that she's the real Tennessee honey.

-♪ Nightly! Nightly! -♪ A-do, a-do, a-do-si-do

♪ A-do, a-do, a-do-si-do.

Grace, focus. Please.

Grace, aren't people who careabout social justice issues

going to see through this...Black Slaves Matter pandering

-or whatever? -Au contraire, mon chocolat frère.

(laughter, applause)

That...

Harriet Tubman ison the new 20,

WGN's slave saga Underground is a runaway hit,

and Nate Parker's star turnin Birth of a Nation

is enough to make anyonetake off their Klan hood.

Get outta here, Klan hood!

-♪ Nightly! Nightly! -Get outta here!

(high-pitched):Ooh... ooh...

What... Are you mak... are youmaking out with yourself, Grace?

-Sure am. Ooh...-Grace, stop it, stop it.

I just... Grace, I just want youto make sense of this.

Can you do that for us, please?

Oh, I can do it in two words,Walter Cronkite.

(laughter)

Slavery chic.

(laughter)

Slavery chic?

Grace, have you been drinking?

Maybe.

(laughter)

Look, Larry, we're all slavesfor slaves right now.

You may be upset that thisis a marketing tool,

but America gets to learn

about some of its finestforgotten figures in history.

And if you get the truthout there, who cares if people

are getting that sweetJack buzz while it's going?

It's still out there.

Well... well, I-I guessyou kind of have a point there.

Oh, yeah, Larry.

You know,right now Jack Daniel's

is the Jesse Williamsof liquors.

(laughter, groaning)

-Really?-Oh, yeah.

It's smooth, it's woke,

and I want to take itinto the bathtub

and pour it all overmy Grace anatomy.

(whooping, applause)

Jesse...

call me.

♪ Nightly! Nightly!

All right, Grace, you'veofficially been cut off.

-All right.-Slave responsibly.

-Ooh, ooh, ooh...-No, don't slave responsibly.

Grace Parra, everyone.We'll be right back.

Stop it! Why are youmaking out with yourself?

Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Ricky Velez.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributorGrace Parra.

(cheering, whistling, applause)

And he stars in the show Another Period,

now in its second season,airing Wednesdays

on Comedy Central at 10:00 p.m.,and he's an author

whose latest book, A Child's First Book of Trump,

is out now--comedian Michael Ian Black.

(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so, we talkedabout this earlier.

Last week Bill Clinton andAttorney General Loretta Lynch

met privately on the tarmacof the Phoenix airport

at the very same timethe Justice Department

was still investigatingHillary's private e-mail server.

And she was pretty muchexonerated today, pretty much.

Uh, but it still doesn't, uh...

still doesn't passthe smell test for some reason.

So I'm gonnaask you straight up:

is Bill Clinton tryingto sabotage his wife's chance

of becoming president?

-No. -No.-No?

No, I mean, think about

-everything we knowabout Bill Clinton. -Okay.

Would he purposely keep himself

away from the White House?

He's had... he's had

some of the best sexof his life...

-WILMORE: In the White House?-...in the White House.

-Wow. I neverthought of it like that. -Right.

I-I agree with that.You have guys...

I don't know if you rememberthe 1996 classic film

First Kid, starring Sinbad.

-It stars Sinbad as...-It-It's in my Netflix queue.

It stars Sinbadas a secret service agent

-who's stern but love...loves the first kid. -Right.

Bill Clintoncan be the first kid,

but he can be the first dude,so it's basically

the same movie,but with a lot more hand jobs.

-I'm just...-Wait. So, your theory is

because of those reasonsthat he's not (bleep) up?

I don't think...I don't think he's (bleep) up.

I think he went in thereand made sure

she wasn't gonnaget indicted today.

Like, that's what-that's whathappened. She...

He got on the... And he "talkedabout kids"

for a half hour in detail.

No one talks about kidsfor a half hour in detail.

-That's fair, that's fair.-Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Unless you're Jared Fogle.

Like, that's the only personthat has ever...

-talked about...-Ice cold, I love it.

-Have you met my mother?-Oh.

She's got a dogabout this big named Jakey

that she won'tshut the (bleep) up about.

I can see Bill Clinton...

You think he wouldstop a plane for Janky?

He didn't stop the plane.The plane...

Are you the residentconspiracy theorist?

I just want to know, because...

It was Fourth of July weekendand what's more American

than being lied toby the Clintons?

Like, come on, it's...

it's... that's what happens.

So, you're sayinghe did a-a patriotic act,

-is what he did. -Yes, this-this was for us.

Oh. I-Is there any chancethat he did...

Do you honestly think, okay,in your heart of hearts,

do you think he talkedto her about that

or do you thinkhe was telling the truth?

In my heart of hearts,I think he is more or less

telling the truth because I...be-because I don't trust him,

but I trust her. I haveno reason not to trust her.

Right, but why would heget on that plane?

It still doesn't make sense.

Why would he do that?

Exactly. That's the problem.

But that's the problem--it doesn't make sense.

She had-she had better snacks.

-I don't know.-Very possible.

-I-I could only imagine...-No, what I think is...

-Yeah, go ahead. -My honestanswer is I think has was

-trying to put on a charmoffensive... -What? That's...

with... But-but, but, but--

without directlytalking about the case.

-I think...-But that's tampering.

Sure, it's tampering,but in the...

but in the sweetestpossible way, Larry.

-Really? -Yes,in the charming big dog way

-that we enjoyfrom Bill Clinton. -But her...

her people must have known thatthis was not good and said,

"Oh, (bleep), Bill Clinton'sover coming here, what do we do?

-Don't let him on the plane!"-But is anybody ever surprised

when politiciansare politiciany?

Because I just feel like peop...They're always doing this.

We're always... We're notdoing... We're not polit...

I'm not a politician.Politicians are politicians.

Where the (bleep) was TSA?

-Great, great, yes.-Yeah. Yeah.

The Clintonsare always doing things

-that it's hard for usto understand and to, -Yes.

-you know, explain. Okay.-And sketchy as (bleep).

So-so, Clinton's, uh,closest aide, um, Huma Abedin,

uh, revealed that--and she had her own issues--

revealed that Hillary burnedher daily schedules when

-she was secretary of state.-What issues does she have?

She doesn't have any issues.You're gonna talk

-about her husband?-Well, yeah. Yeah...

That's not her issue.That's his issue.

She's burning her schedule.

She's-she's close to issues.

-Yes.-Okay? Right. Okay.

But Hillary burnedher daily schedules.

Who does that?

It-it is on her scheduleto burn her schedule.

It's like...

Do you know how corruptyou have to be as a person?!

All right,so-so Trump, of course, uh,

he did the thing... Can we showthe tweet, uh, from Trump?

He called herthe most corrupt candidate ever.

She was surrounded by money.Six-pointed star.

Okay, some peopleare calling him anti-Semitic.

Do you guys thinkTrump is anti-Semitic?

I-I was saying earlier,I don't think he has enough,

like, thought process going onto really be anti-Semitic.

-If he's anti-Se...-I think he's a lazy racist.

If he's anti-Semitic,he's the worst one.

She's not even Jewish.Like, he's just, like...

-Do you know that for a fact?-A-At lea...

at least put Bernie on it.Like, come on.

Like, he puta non-Jewish person...

It makes no sense!

He's not even good at it!

Do we know she's not Jewish?

Have you seen her (bleep)?Because I have not.

(groaning, laughter)

Thank you.

-I am Jewish.-Yeah.

Uh, and I would sayit doesn't matter

if he's an anti-Semite or not.

-It doesn't matter if he's aracist or not. -Doesn't matter.

-What he's doing is, uh,-Mm-hmm.

-he's-he's blowing the shofar,-Mm-hmm.

-which is the-the horn-I understand.

-that we Jews blow.We blow horns. -Correct, yeah.

-Right. -And he's assemblingthe Jew haters

-and assemblingthe white supremacists. -Mm-hmm.

-It's a dog whistle.-No, it's a marching band.

It's not a dog whistle. It is...it is the full orchestra.

-Mm-hmm. -He took the memeoff somebody else

-and just took the credit for itand it's not his. -Right.

-Once again, lazy racism.-Yes. -Mm-hmm.

You know? You can't...

-That's it. That's it.-Yeah, it's lazy.

What ever happenedto good, old-fashioned,

thinking-it-through...thinking-it-through racism?

-What ever happened to that?-It's like...

Whether or nothe's an anti-Semite or...

(stammering)to me, it-it doesn't matter.

-It's-it's your actions...-I-I have

to keep disagreeing with you.It does matter

-if you're an anti-Semite.-It doesn't, because...

No, it matters hugeif you're an anti-Semite

and you want to be presidentof the united states.

We've had presidentswho hated Jews.

Yes, but we don't wantto keep doing that.

Look, I'm not advocatingfor the guy. I'm...

Yes, you are!You were advocating...

I am a little bit.I am a little bit.

You're saying it doesn't matter.It matters huge.

I'm saying what he says,uh, is more important to me

than what's in his heart.Like, if I say, for example,

"I think black peopleare terrific,"

-I don't mean it, but I'm...-(groaning, laughter)

but I'm...

-Right. Yeah. -Oh, God. Oh,my God. Oh, God. -Was that...

-Right. No, no, no, no.-We got to go. Hide me.

All right.Michael Ian Negro, everybody.

We'll be right back.

(cheering and applause)

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