Jeff exchanges Friendly Fire with Johnny Knoxville; T.J. Miller, Hannibal Buress and Rachael Harris roast the porn industry, 9/11, and 2012's summer box office bombs.
>> I LOVE YOU MAN.
>> THANK YOU T.J.
AND PLEASE SAY HI TO THESE
THE CHICK FROM THE HANG OVER AND
TWO GUYS THAT ARE WELL HUNG.
HANNIBAL AND T.J.
SHOW THEM SOME LOVE THERE.
>> YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.
I LOVE YOUR SUIT THERE T.J.
>> I WANT TO BE YOUR, YOU'RE THE
ROAST MASTER GENERAL, I WANT TO
BE THE FIRST CADET.
>> TOAST MASTER GENERAL.
>> I AM A PRETTY GOOD TOAST
>> I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST.
IT'S MORE OF AN EULOGY, TO THE
I ASKED HIM WHAT T.J. STOOD FOR
AND HE SAID BLOW JOB.
>> YOU SAID I WILL DO ANYTHING
IF YOU'LL BE ON THE SHOW AND
THAT WAS MY ANSWER.
>> YOU WERE WILLING TO DO IT,
BUT YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR OWN
HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE.
WE HAVE THE SAME HAIR STYLE, YOU
AND I, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
IF I GAVE UP RIGHT NOW.
TODAY IF I WENT ONLY AND I'M
JUST GIVING UP 20 YEARS FROM
NOW, THAT'S ME RIGHT THERE.
>> COME ON RACHAEL.
>> YEAH, NO.
>> ARE YOU OKAY, HANNIBAL?
YOU KNOW THE SHOW STARTED.
-All right, everybody,never forget
that we're a comedy show.
And that we livein a free country.
-And that's why I headed outto the San Fernando Valley
this week to honorone of America's
greatest exports, pornography.
Somebody order a pizza?
-I'm here to burnthe porn industry,
and that desk whenyou're done with it.
-This is fun.
Eva and Ryan, wow.
It's like my browserhistory came to life.
It's taken more heavy loads thanRosie O'Donnell's dishwasher.
-That is true.
-I bet this isn't thefirst big black fuzzy
thing dangling intheir faces, huh?
JEFF: Mark Spieglerhere, agent to the stars.
What agency are you with, STD?
What else could you be besidesa porn agent, look at you.
No one's going to be likethis is my pediatrician.
Let me tell you something.
-No one in the history of comedyhas roasted a vagina before.
It's a vagina roast.
-That thing's been enteredmore than Publisher's Clearing
-Are you the catering lady?
-That I am.
JEFF: Nice to meet you.
-Does it ever botheryou that the, uh,
actors would rather eat[bleep] than your food?
-Oh, my God.
I'm roasting your rump.
Has there ever beena rump roast before?
This is the biggest[bleep] I ever
roasted since theDonald Trump roast.
-Katie, let metell you something.
You should put a framearound that thing
because it's an ass-terpiece.
Welcome to the firstever wiener roast.
-Don't be, it's OK.
-Hold me, I'm scared.
I'm taking a gamble right nowgetting close to that thing.
-Oh my God.
I'd hate to see itwhen it's angry.
That thing's so ugly, I feellike I'm looking in the mirror.
-Seth, this hasbeen a real treat.
You're the first everrecipient of a wiener roast.
JEFF: All right.
I want to thank you guys.
Give me a pound.
-Cristina Roth, take abow darling, take a bow.
-Thank you, Cristina.
Your [bleep] was a great sport.
Coming up next, JohnnyKnoxville hijacks my show.
UM, ED, WHAT ARE WE BACKING
>> AFTER THE SONG "THE PERFECT
KANYE WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS
OKAY TO SAY [BLEEP].
WOW, THAT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO SAY
>> I WENT IN THEIR BATHROOM AND
THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ON THE HAND
>> ARE THESE WORDS OKAY TO USE?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T [BLEEP]
I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM AND
IT'S LIKE SHOULD I MOVE THIS
I DON'T CARE.
>> HANNIBAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> I THINK IT'S ALL ABOUT TONE.
IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT.
LIKE A LOT OF WORDS.
IF I SAY [BLEEP].
IF I SAY TOO SHORT, THAT'S
SO WATCH YOUR TONE EVERYBODY.
>> I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD HAVE
HE'S A GENIOUS, BUT THEY ARE
ALSO ALL CRAZY AND THEY
SHOULDN'T HAVE A FORM.
I'M SURE EINSTEIN WAS CRAZY.
IF HE HAD A TWITTER, HE WOULD BE
LIKE MY [BLEEP] IS RELATIVELY
RAN OVER SEVEN KIDS.
HAPPY BURN DAY.
WHERE IS MY KOREAN HIP HOP FANS
OUT OF ALL THE SOUTH KOREAN
RAPPERS SPITTING RHYMES, THIS IS
TSAI AND STARTED THE INVISIBLE
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> HE SHOULD RIDE THAT HORSE
SIDE SADDLE SO HE DOESN'T CATCH
THAT SONG IS MORE CATCHY THAN
IT'S NOT JUST SOUTH KOREANS THAT
NORTH KOREANS LOVE IT BECAUSE
IT'S GOT A GREAT BEAT AND YOU
CAN STARVE TO IT.
STAYING TRUE TO
Welcome to "The Burn."
How you guys doing?
I love you guys.
Let's start with somebirthday shout-outs.
Happy 11th birthday, 9/11!
Two more years it'llbe your bar mitzvah.
Which is hard when yousmoke as much weed as I do.
That reminds me.
Turning aquarter-ounce this week
is rap superstar Wiz Khalifa.
I love this guy.
His name is short for wisdom.
So think how bad hisbrother Jizzdom feels.
I can't wait for his new album.
With a name likeWiz, I'm surprised
it hasn't been leaked yet.
And happy birthday to Yao Ming.
What's up, Yao Ming?
Love this guy.
Born in Shanghai.
He was the first-everChinese child
to play basketballinstead of making them.
He's not in theBasketball Hall of Fame,
but he does keep leavingmenus under their door.
Actually, I sawhim play live once.
He drove to the net.
He somehow hit a fire hydrantand ran over seven kids.
Happy birthday, everybody.
>> HEY BUDDY,
>> HOW ARE YOU?
>> THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME COME
YOUR NOW OFFICES, HAVE A SEAT.
I DON'T LIKE THE CAMERA ON ME.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN OF
YOUR [BLEEP] SHIRT.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SHIRT?
SANDUSKY AND SONS?
>> THAT MEANS A LOT FROM A GUY
WHOSE FACE LOOKS LIKE BIG BIRD
[BLEEP] A BRILO PAD.
>> YOU'RE A LOT LIKE MICHAEL
YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH
PEOPLE WHILE YOU SLOWLY KILL
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S AUDITIONS
WE WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE THE NAME
TO LARD ASS.
>> SO YOU HAVE A MOVIE COMING
OUT WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY MAKE
HIM LOOK LIKE A GOOD ACTOR.
>> I WOULD KICK YOU IN THE NUTS,
BUT YOU'D HAVE TO LIFT YOUR
YOU'RE IN GREAT SHAPE AND THAT
SHAPE IS ROUND.
>> HOW MANY BONES HAVE YOU
BROKEN IN YOUR LIFE?
I DON'T KNOW.
>> YOU BURNED CHRIS BROWN'S
DINNER YOU BROKE SO MANY BONES.
I'M AFRAID TO WALK AROUND HERE.
>> IT'S JUST A CATTLE PROD.
DID IT HURT REALLY BAD?
I CAN'T DO IT.
>> AM I ANYTHING TO [BLEEP]
>> NO, YOU'RE FINE.
>> HE GOT ME A LITTLE TOO.
I FEEL WOKEN UP.
So who wants toget speed-roasted?
-These two guysraise their hands?
What do you got, a fuckingpoker game to get to?
Do you know each other?
HANNIBAL BURESS: Youdon't know each other.
-Oh, my bad.
I thought you were the twoevil twins from "Breaking Bad."
Oh, that's grate.
What are those?
Gay-Bans you're wearing.
HANNIBAL BURESS: You look likeHarry Potter's Secret Service.
-Good one, Hannibal.
-Which one's thebodyguard, and which one's
the gay billionaire?
-This is KristinaRose, movie actress.
By the way, I'm a big fan.
I've seen all 312of your movies.
-Have you ever seenher movies, TJ?
-Um, I have seen"The Honeymoaners."
Yeah, I have seen that.
JEFF ROSS: What'd you think?
TJ MILLER: Oh--
-Kristina, if you had todo a anal scene with one
of these three people up hereon stage, who would it be?
TJ MILLER: Choose me.
It will be the least painful.
-If I had to choose.
I want the one inthe middle again.
JEFF ROSS: Oh, again?
-In, fairness, we'veworked together before.
-You were in "The Hangover,"but it was different.
It was about your labia.
-Any parting words forChristina, you guys?
-Kristina, I want you to seemy work in "Rock of Ages."
Because I get fuckedin that movie too.
-What's your name?
How'd you get hurt?
Not working out?
I like your lack of style.
What do you do all day?
-All right, well,you're dress for it.
HANNIBAL BURESS: He likethe pimp of Walmart.
-Oh my god.
It's every other actorfrom "Training Day."
-What's your name, sir?
What's in here?
Some family membersyou snuck in?
What is this here?
-So you can put your weed.
-So you can put your weed.
How much fucking weeddo you think I got?
Maybe for TJ, but--
-No way, man.
That mustache implieshe's a pedophile,
and the backpack confirms it.
-Thank you so muchfor this, man.
I really appreciate it.
Is there any weed in it?
What the fuck?
Hannibal, the guydresses worse than you.
-Hey, he look the lostmember of Cypress Hill.
-Somebody give this guy aride back to Home Depot.
Thank you to all my volunteersfor being speed-roasted.
I love you guys.