Week of 9/10/2012 - Knoxville, Miller, Buress, Harris

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 09/11/2012

Jeff exchanges Friendly Fire with Johnny Knoxville; T.J. Miller, Hannibal Buress and Rachael Harris roast the porn industry, 9/11, and 2012's summer box office bombs.

>> I LOVE YOU MAN.

>> THANK YOU T.J.

AND PLEASE SAY HI TO THESE

FRIENDS.

THE CHICK FROM THE HANG OVER AND

TWO GUYS THAT ARE WELL HUNG.

HANNIBAL AND T.J.

SHOW THEM SOME LOVE THERE.

>> YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.

I LOVE YOUR SUIT THERE T.J.

>> I WANT TO BE YOUR, YOU'RE THE

ROAST MASTER GENERAL, I WANT TO

BE THE FIRST CADET.

>> TOAST MASTER GENERAL.

>> I AM A PRETTY GOOD TOAST

MASTER.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST.

IT'S MORE OF AN EULOGY, TO THE

BURN.

I ASKED HIM WHAT T.J. STOOD FOR

AND HE SAID BLOW JOB.

>> YOU SAID I WILL DO ANYTHING

IF YOU'LL BE ON THE SHOW AND

THAT WAS MY ANSWER.

>> YOU WERE WILLING TO DO IT,

BUT YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR OWN

HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE.

WE HAVE THE SAME HAIR STYLE, YOU

AND I, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

IF I GAVE UP RIGHT NOW.

LIKE TODAY.

TODAY IF I WENT ONLY AND I'M

JUST GIVING UP 20 YEARS FROM

NOW, THAT'S ME RIGHT THERE.

20?

>> COME ON RACHAEL.

>> YEAH, NO.

>> ARE YOU OKAY, HANNIBAL?

YOU KNOW THE SHOW STARTED.

-All right, everybody,never forget

that we're a comedy show.

And that we livein a free country.

[applause]

-And that's why I headed outto the San Fernando Valley

this week to honorone of America's

greatest exports, pornography.

[audience laughs]

[theme music]

-Whoa!

Somebody order a pizza?

[laughing]

-I'm here to burnthe porn industry,

and that desk whenyou're done with it.

[laughing]

-This is fun.

Eva and Ryan, wow.

It's like my browserhistory came to life.

It's taken more heavy loads thanRosie O'Donnell's dishwasher.

-That is true.

-I bet this isn't thefirst big black fuzzy

thing dangling intheir faces, huh?

-(GIGGLING) No.

JEFF: Mark Spieglerhere, agent to the stars.

What agency are you with, STD?

What else could you be besidesa porn agent, look at you.

No one's going to be likethis is my pediatrician.

Let me tell you something.

-Go ahead.

-No one in the history of comedyhas roasted a vagina before.

[laughs]

-Wow!

It's a vagina roast.

-Hi.

-That thing's been enteredmore than Publisher's Clearing

House.

[laughs]

-Ricola!

[laughs]

-Are you the catering lady?

-That I am.

JEFF: Nice to meet you.

-Thank you.

-Does it ever botheryou that the, uh,

actors would rather eat[bleep] than your food?

[laughs]

-Oh, my God.

I'm roasting your rump.

Has there ever beena rump roast before?

This is the biggest[bleep] I ever

roasted since theDonald Trump roast.

[laughs]

-Katie, let metell you something.

You should put a framearound that thing

because it's an ass-terpiece.

Welcome to the firstever wiener roast.

[laughs]

- [inaudible]

-Don't be, it's OK.

-Hold me, I'm scared.

-OK.

-Wow.

Seth Gamble.

I'm taking a gamble right nowgetting close to that thing.

[laughs]

-Oh my God.

I'd hate to see itwhen it's angry.

That thing's so ugly, I feellike I'm looking in the mirror.

[laughs]

-Seth, this hasbeen a real treat.

You're the first everrecipient of a wiener roast.

-Awesome.

JEFF: All right.

I want to thank you guys.

Give me a pound.

[laughs]

-Cristina Roth, take abow darling, take a bow.

[applause]

-Thank you, Cristina.

Your [bleep] was a great sport.

Coming up next, JohnnyKnoxville hijacks my show.

Stay tuned.

[applause]

[screaming]

UM, ED, WHAT ARE WE BACKING

FIRST.

>> AFTER THE SONG "THE PERFECT

BITCH".

KANYE WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS

OKAY TO SAY [BLEEP].

WOW, THAT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO SAY

IT.

>> I WENT IN THEIR BATHROOM AND

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ON THE HAND

TOWELS.

TORSE TORSE

>> ARE THESE WORDS OKAY TO USE?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T [BLEEP]

CARE.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM AND

KANYE.

IT'S LIKE SHOULD I MOVE THIS

CHAIR OVER?

I DON'T CARE.

>> HANNIBAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> I THINK IT'S ALL ABOUT TONE.

IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT.

LIKE A LOT OF WORDS.

IF I SAY [BLEEP].

IF I SAY TOO SHORT, THAT'S

POLITE.

>> YEAH.

THAT'S SCARY.

SO WATCH YOUR TONE EVERYBODY.

>> I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD HAVE

HIM.

HE'S A GENIOUS, BUT THEY ARE

ALSO ALL CRAZY AND THEY

SHOULDN'T HAVE A FORM.

I'M SURE EINSTEIN WAS CRAZY.

IF HE HAD A TWITTER, HE WOULD BE

LIKE MY [BLEEP] IS RELATIVELY

THE BIGGEST.

RAN OVER SEVEN KIDS.

HAPPY BURN DAY.

GREAT CROWD.

WHERE IS MY KOREAN HIP HOP FANS

AT?

OUT OF ALL THE SOUTH KOREAN

RAPPERS SPITTING RHYMES, THIS IS

TSAI AND STARTED THE INVISIBLE

HORSE DANCE.

GIDDY UP.

>> YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> HE SHOULD RIDE THAT HORSE

SIDE SADDLE SO HE DOESN'T CATCH

IT.

THAT SONG IS MORE CATCHY THAN

BIRD FLU.

IT'S NOT JUST SOUTH KOREANS THAT

LOVE HIM.

NORTH KOREANS LOVE IT BECAUSE

IT'S GOT A GREAT BEAT AND YOU

CAN STARVE TO IT.

STAYING TRUE TO

Welcome to "The Burn."

How you guys doing?

[cheering]

Wow.

I love you guys.

Let's start with somebirthday shout-outs.

Happy 11th birthday, 9/11!

Two more years it'llbe your bar mitzvah.

9/11.

Never forget.

Which is hard when yousmoke as much weed as I do.

That reminds me.

Turning aquarter-ounce this week

is rap superstar Wiz Khalifa.

I love this guy.

His name is short for wisdom.

So think how bad hisbrother Jizzdom feels.

I can't wait for his new album.

With a name likeWiz, I'm surprised

it hasn't been leaked yet.

And happy birthday to Yao Ming.

What's up, Yao Ming?

Love this guy.

Born in Shanghai.

He was the first-everChinese child

to play basketballinstead of making them.

He's not in theBasketball Hall of Fame,

but he does keep leavingmenus under their door.

Actually, I sawhim play live once.

He drove to the net.

He somehow hit a fire hydrantand ran over seven kids.

Happy birthday, everybody.

>> HEY BUDDY,

>> HOW ARE YOU?

>> THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME COME

BACK.

YOUR NOW OFFICES, HAVE A SEAT.

I DON'T LIKE THE CAMERA ON ME.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN OF

YOUR [BLEEP] SHIRT.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SHIRT?

SANDUSKY AND SONS?

>> THAT MEANS A LOT FROM A GUY

WHOSE FACE LOOKS LIKE BIG BIRD

[BLEEP] A BRILO PAD.

>> YOU'RE A LOT LIKE MICHAEL

JACKSON.

YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH

PEOPLE WHILE YOU SLOWLY KILL

YOURSELF.

>> IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S AUDITIONS

FOR JACKASS.

WE WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE THE NAME

TO LARD ASS.

>> SO YOU HAVE A MOVIE COMING

OUT WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

WHAT'S IT CALLED?

YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY MAKE

HIM LOOK LIKE A GOOD ACTOR.

>> I WOULD KICK YOU IN THE NUTS,

BUT YOU'D HAVE TO LIFT YOUR

STOMACH.

YOU'RE IN GREAT SHAPE AND THAT

SHAPE IS ROUND.

>> HOW MANY BONES HAVE YOU

BROKEN IN YOUR LIFE?

I DON'T KNOW.

>> YOU BURNED CHRIS BROWN'S

DINNER YOU BROKE SO MANY BONES.

I'M AFRAID TO WALK AROUND HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S JUST A CATTLE PROD.

DID IT HURT REALLY BAD?

>> NO.

>> OH!

I CAN'T DO IT.

>> AM I ANYTHING TO [BLEEP]

MYSELF?

>> NO, YOU'RE FINE.

[SCREAMING]

>> HE GOT ME A LITTLE TOO.

I FEEL WOKEN UP.

THANKS FOR

So who wants toget speed-roasted?

-These two guysraise their hands?

No?

What do you got, a fuckingpoker game to get to?

Do you know each other?

-No.

-No.

HANNIBAL BURESS: Youdon't know each other.

-Oh, my bad.

I thought you were the twoevil twins from "Breaking Bad."

Oh, that's grate.

What are those?

Gay-Bans you're wearing.

HANNIBAL BURESS: You look likeHarry Potter's Secret Service.

-Good one, Hannibal.

-Which one's thebodyguard, and which one's

the gay billionaire?

-This is KristinaRose, movie actress.

By the way, I'm a big fan.

You're awesome.

I've seen all 312of your movies.

-Have you ever seenher movies, TJ?

-Um, I have seen"The Honeymoaners."

Yeah, I have seen that.

JEFF ROSS: What'd you think?

TJ MILLER: Oh--

-Kristina, if you had todo a anal scene with one

of these three people up hereon stage, who would it be?

TJ MILLER: Choose me.

It will be the least painful.

-If I had to choose.

Mm.

I want the one inthe middle again.

JEFF ROSS: Oh, again?

-In, fairness, we'veworked together before.

-You were in "The Hangover,"but it was different.

It was about your labia.

-Any parting words forChristina, you guys?

-Kristina, I want you to seemy work in "Rock of Ages."

Because I get fuckedin that movie too.

-What's your name?

-John.

-John?

How'd you get hurt?

Not working out?

I like your lack of style.

What do you do all day?

-Nothing.

-All right, well,you're dress for it.

HANNIBAL BURESS: He likethe pimp of Walmart.

-Oh my god.

It's every other actorfrom "Training Day."

-What's your name, sir?

-Robert.

-Robert?

What's in here?

Some family membersyou snuck in?

What is this here?

-So you can put your weed.

-What what?

-So you can put your weed.

-My weed?

How much fucking weeddo you think I got?

Maybe for TJ, but--

-No way, man.

That mustache implieshe's a pedophile,

and the backpack confirms it.

-Thank you so muchfor this, man.

I really appreciate it.

Is there any weed in it?

What the fuck?

Hannibal, the guydresses worse than you.

-Hey, he look the lostmember of Cypress Hill.

-Somebody give this guy aride back to Home Depot.

Thank you to all my volunteersfor being speed-roasted.

I love you guys.