Richard Belzer & Jonathan Katz

  • Season 1, Ep 0102
  • 02/24/1992

I'M LOOKING DOWN HERE.

OH, I JUST THOUGHT I FOUNDSOME PIGEON DROPPINGS

BUT HEY, AS LONG ASYOU HAVE YOUR HEALTH.

THIS IS A GREAT SET.

THIS IS FABULOUS.

I DON'T KNOW.

A TRANSVESTITE PUPPET SHOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHATWAS HERE BEFORE ME.

BUT I DON'T FEEL WELL.

EVEN THOUGHI LOVE THESE TWO GUYS

I MEAN, LOOK, COME ON.

I'M A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

BACKSTAGE, I DON'TSIGN AUTOGRAPHS.

I SIGNED A VALIUM FORSOME WOMAN BACKSTAGE.

BUT, NO.

I WAS A HYPOCHONDRIACFROM, LIKE, DAY ONE.

MY PARENTS TOLD ME THIS, ANYWAY.

WELL, I HAD RATTLESWITH ASPIRIN IN IT

WHICH WAS SORT OF A SAD THING.

AND THEN I WENTTO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

AND I USED TO TAKE M&Ms,SERIOUSLY, ONE AT A TIME

WITH A GLASS OF WATER,WHICH WAS SORT OF EMBARRASSING.

THEN I WOULD,LIKE, NOT GO TO SCHOOL

BUT MY MOTHER WAS HIPBECAUSE SHE WAS A WACKO LIKE ME

AND SHE USED TO SEND MENOTES TO, LIKE, GYM:

"RICHARD CAN'T TUMBLE TODAY.

HE'S TOO DISTRAUGHT."

NOTES LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW.

BUT I WANT TO THANK

WHOEVER GAVE ME THEBOUQUET OF SUDAFED.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BUT I AM VERY SICK.

I MEAN, YOU CAN TELL.

I SWEAT EVEN WHEN I'M HAPPY.

WHEN I MAKE LOVE, I SWEAT.

IF I'M IN A HAMMOCK, I SWEAT.

AT HOME, I HAVEA WALK-IN MEDICINE CHEST

WHICH I'M UNHAPPY ABOUT.

I HAD THIS THING ON MY NECKABOUT THREE DAYS AGO.

I SWEAR TO GOD, IT WASLIKE A BLUE, LIKE A RASH.

IT LOOKED LIKE A ZIT,COULD HAVE BEEN A FEZ.

I CALLED THE SKIN DOCTOR.

IT WENT AWAY OVERNIGHT.

I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR, I SWEAR,THE NEXT MORNING-- GONE.

STILL KEPT THE APPOINTMENT.

THIS IS A SIGNWHEN YOU'RE A WACKO.

STILL... IT WAS, LIKE, $50,WHATEVER THEY CHARGE IN L.A.

I DON'T KNOW, WHO KNOWS.

THE INSURANCE FORM,ALL THAT CRAP.

I ACTUALLY WENTTO THE SKIN DOCTOR.

I WAS FINE.

THE BLUE FEZ WAS GONE.

I WENT TO THE DOCTORTO SHOW HIM WHERE IT WAS

AND I MADE, LIKE

A LITTLE PENCIL DRAWINGAROUND WHERE IT WAS.

AND THEN BEFORE TONIGHT

I'M WITH THE A LIST,I'M EXCITED, YOU KNOW.

WE GET THE BEST COMICSIN THE COUNTRY

AND FOOLISHLY I WENT TO A DELIAND I HAD A CORNED BEEF SANDWICH

AND THEN I PUT MY FINGER INONE OF THESE PULSE MACHINES

AND THEY HAVE, LIKE, IF YOU'REZERO TO 60, YOU'RE A JOGGER

60 TO 90, YOU'RE OKAY

90 TO 100, YOU'RE...

IT DIDN'T EVEN FLASH A NUMBERWHEN I PUT MY FINGER IN.

IT FLASHED"FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS."

IT WAS SORT OF EMBARRASSING.

BUT I'M TRYING TO TAKECARE OF MYSELF NOW.

BUT I DON'T LIKE GYMS.

I DON'T LIKE TO BE NAKEDIN FRONT OF OTHER MEN.

I JUST TRY TO, UH...

THAT STAIRMASTER,I KNOW IT'S GOOD FOR PEOPLE.

I USE THE STRESSMASTER.

I JUST CALL MY MOTHER,AND I DROP EIGHT TO TEN POUNDS

IN ABOUT AN HOUR,HOUR AND A HALF.

JUST SIT THERE AND I JUST SHVITZ THERE, ALL THE WEIGHT.

BUT I'VE TRIED TO RUN,BUT HERE'S THE DEAL.

WHEN YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC,IT'S HARD TO EXERCISE.

YOU'RE AFRAID YOU'REGOING TO DIE, QUITE FRANKLY.

I WAS IN NEW YORK LAST WEEK,CENTRAL PARK

AND THEY HAVE, LIKE,A LITTLE PATH FOR BIKES

AND I SEE THERE WAS, LIKE,AN OUTLINE OF A BICYCLE.

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS

BECAUSE I'M SO OUT OF TOUCHWITH EXERCISE.

I WENT, "OH, MY GOD,ANOTHER SCHWINN MURDER."

I DON'T NEED TO APOLOGIZE

AND YET, UH,I LIVE TO APOLOGIZE

BUT I SWEAR, I DESERVE TO.

WHEN I WAS 18, I COULDHAVE GONE TO WOODSTOCK.

I WAS IN JERSEY.

MY FRIENDS BEEPED A HORN,"COME ON, LET'S GO."

WOODSTOCK-- I COULDHAVE GONE TO WOODSTOCK.

AND I GO OUTSIDE, I GO,"YEAH, IT'S DRIZZLING.

"I DON'T KNOW, IS THEREGOING TO BE PARKING THERE?

I DON'T KNOW, IS THERE VALET?"

THEN I SAW THE MOVIE.

I WAS SO GLAD, NOW,AS A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

YOU KNOW, "WE HAVE ONETHROAT LOZENGER FOR 500,000.

LINE UP!"

PEOPLE MAKING LOVENEXT TO DONKEYS WITH TATTOOS

AND FORGET ABOUT IT.

BUT I, YOU KNOW,I JUST-- NOW I HANG OUT

I GO PHARMACY WINDOW SHOPPING,PRETTY MUCH

AND THEY MAKE ANNOUNCEMENTS:

"RICHARD LEWIS HASLEFT THE DRUGSTORE."

YOU KNOW, I'M NOTHAPPY ABOUT THAT

BUT, YOU KNOW,THOSE THINGS HAPPEN.

BUT MY FAMILY,THEY WERE HYPOCHONDRIACS.

THEY USED TO SENDOUT INVITATIONS.

MY MOTHER, I SWEAR TO GOD:

"YOU'RE INVITEDTO MY ROOT CANAL."

SO THAT'S HOWI LEARNED ALL THIS.

AT HOME NOW, I HAVECOUGH MEDICINE ON TAP.

IF YOU WANT TO COME OVERAFTER THE SHOW AND, UH...

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I HAVEIS FROM MY GRANDPARENTS.

MY GRANDFATHER HAD--MAY HE REST IN PEACE--

HAD TYPE "A" BEHAVIOR

AND HE LIVED WITH US,WHICH WAS A THRILL.

HE'D COME DOWN AND HEWOULD LITERALLY, LIKE

HE WOULD TAKE, LIKE, THE CEREAL

AND EMPTY IT OUTON THE BREAKFAST TABLE.

"I'M TELLING YOU

THERE'S NOT 20% MORE RAISINSIN RAISIN BRAN!"

YOU KNOW, IT WAS, LIKE,SORT OF FRIGHTENING.

SO, THAT'S WHERE I'M AT.

SO NICE TO BE HERE

TO BE WORKING,TO BE BACK ON MY FEET.

I TOOK A COUPLE OF MONTHS OFF.

I HAD SURGERY THIS YEARFOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE

AND, UH, I WAS TERRIFIED.

NEVER BEEN HOSPITALIZED.

AND JUST BEFORE I WENT UNDER

I HEARD THE ONE THINGYOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR:

"WHERE'S MY LUCKY SCALPEL?"

( laughter )

BUT I'M FEELING GOOD, AND, UH...

HEY, ANYBODY WHO TELLS YOUTHAT LIFE IS BRIEF

HASN'T BEEN TO THE REGISTRYOF MOTOR VEHICLES RECENTLY.

4h HOURS TO GET THE LICENSE.

THEN I GO TO GETMY PICTURE TAKEN

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'REDOING NOW TO CUT COSTS.

THEY'RE DOING GROUP PHOTOS.

AND, UH, YOU DON'T GETTO PICK THE OTHER GUYS.

BUT I'M GLAD I DID IT

BECAUSE AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,I GOT STOPPED TONIGHT.

I RAN A RED LIGHT, AND THECOP ASKED TO SEE MY LICENSE.

I SAID, "THAT'S ME, ALL THEWAY IN THE BACK ON THE RIGHT."

BUT, UM...

I TOOK A WRONG TURN,AND I SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS

"CAUTION, SMALLCHILDREN PLAYING"

SO I SLOW DOWN.

THEN IT OCCURS TO ME, I'MNOT AFRAID OF SMALL CHILDREN.

( laughter )

THAT'S A GOOD THING

BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO BECOMEA DAD FOR THE SECOND TIME.

( applause )

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANKS.

AND MY WIFE, WHO TENDSTO BE OVERCAUTIOUS

HAD THE ULTRASOUND LAST WEEK,WHICH EVEN THE DOCTORS SAY

IS NOT NECESSARYWHEN YOU'RE ADOPTING.

STILL...

( laughter )

NO, WE SAW THE HEARTBEAT.

SO EXCITING, SO EXCITING.

AND THE TECHNOLOGY NOWIS SO SOPHISTICATED

THEY CAN ACTUALLY TELL YOUTHE BABY'S NAME.

THAT'S, UH...

( laughter )

AND WE'VE BEEN TRYING FOR YEARSTO HAVE ANOTHER KID.

WE WENT TO A FERTILITY CLINICIN NEW YORK ABOUT A YEAR AGO.

THE DOCTOR ASKED METO BRING IN A SAMPLE

WHICH I DID THE NEXT DAY

AND I HANDED ITTO HIS RECEPTIONIST.

AND IT WAS LIKEAN ANCIENT REFLEX.

I SAID, "I'LL CALL YOU."

( laughter )

MY, UH...

MY DAUGHTER, SHE CAN'TWAIT FOR THE BABY.

SHE'S NINE YEARS OLD, MY GIRL

ALTHOUGH IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAYTHAT SHE SPOKE HER FIRST WORDS.

MY WIFE AND I WEREHAVING BREAKFAST.

SHE WAS IN THE DENWATCHING MR. ROGERS.

FROM THREE ROOMS AWAY, WE HEAR,"I'M NOT YOUR G.DDAMN NEIGHBOR."

( laughter )

APPARENTLY, IT HAD BEENBUILDING UP, BUT, UH...

THAT'S A WONDERFUL AGE, NINE

ALTHOUGH SHE'S STARTING TO ASKTHOSE EMBARRASSING QUESTIONS

LIKE, "WHAT DOESA GUY LIKE YOU MAKE?"

( laughter )

SHE IS...

OH, SHE IS GREAT, THOUGH.

WE HAD OUR FIRSTSERIOUS TALK ABOUT DRUGS

AND I TRIED TO BEHONEST WITH HER.

I HAD THE TALK WITH HERI WISH I HAD HAD WITH MY DAD.

I HAD A DRUG PROBLEM AS A KID.

I HAD A COCAINE HABITWHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD--

SO BAD I WANTED TO GET CAUGHT,I PRAYED TO GET CAUGHT.

I FINALLY GOT MY WISH ONE NIGHT.

MY DAD CATCHES MEWITH A GRAM OF COCAINE

DUMPS IT ON THEDINING ROOM TABLE

RUBS MY NOSE IN IT.

( laughter )

I'M OKAY NOW, BUT THOSE WERETROUBLED TIMES, AND, UH...

AND I MADEA CLASSIC FREUDIAN SLIP.

I MEANT TO SAY, "CAN YOUPASS ME THE SALT, PLEASE?"

BUT IT COMES OUT, "YOU PUTZ,YOU RUINED MY CHILDHOOD."

( laughter )

HE'S, UH...

( applause )

I SHOULD BE MORE GENTLE.

HE'S 81 YEARS OLD

GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE SUITAT THE AGE OF 81

AND MY STEPMOTHER'S TRYING

TO GET CUSTODY OF MEAND MY OLDER SISTER.

( laughter )

IT'S GOING TO GET UGLY,I KNOW IT--

WEEKENDS WITH HER,AND THE WHOLE SHOT.

BUT I MENTIONED TO YOU,I'M MARRIED TEN YEARS

AND WE HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE,BUT YOU GO THROUGH STAGES.

MY WIFE IS WAY BEYOND

THE FAKING-THE-HEADACHE STAGEOF OUR MARRIAGE.

SHE'S NOW INTO THE "I FIND YOUPHYSICALLY REPUGNANT" STAGE.

( laughter )

LATELY I THINK THATSHE'S BEEN FOOLING AROUND

BECAUSE OUR PARROT KEEPS SAYING:

"GIVE IT TO ME HARD AND FAST

BEFORE MY HUSBAND, JON KATZ,COMES HOME."

( laughter )

"OH, YEAH.

AND YES, I'D LOVE A CRACKER."

( laughter )

BUT NONETHELESS, TONIGHT ISOUR TENTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

AND IT'S THE FIRST ONEWE'RE SPENDING APART

AND I PROMISED I'D DOA SONG FOR HER TONIGHT.

IF YOU'LL INDULGE ME,FOR MY WIFE.

TEN YEARS TONIGHT.

THEY FLY BY, THE YEARS,DON'T THEY?

I LOVE YOU, HONEY.

♪ YOU GAVE ME LOVE LAST NIGHT

♪ AND THEN I REALIZEDTHAT ALL MY LIFE ♪

♪ THAT I'VE BEEN HIDING OUT

♪ HIDING OUT FROM LOVE...

Oh, my God, who is thatexquisite-looking creature

sitting there?

♪ IN YOUR KISSWAS CONTAINED... ♪

She wants me bad.

♪ IT'S TRUE,SO SWEET I FELT ASHAMED ♪

♪ TO THINK THAT ALL MY LIFE...

Oh, great, now she'sundressing me with her eyes.

Hey, what's so funny?

♪ I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, OO-OO

♪ THERE'S NO OTHER WAYTHAT I CAN EXPLAIN... ♪

Hey, she knows I'm married.

It's her problem.

♪ I WOULD DO ANYTHING

♪ TO HEAR YOU SAYYOU FEEL THE SAME. ♪

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.