Thursday, March 13, 2014

  • 03/13/2014

Nikki Glaser, Steve Agee and Kyle Kinane listen to Japanese teenagers sing heavy metal songs about chocolate, translate emoji sentences involving squid and list #AlcoHolidays.

INTERNET HEADLINES,

IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

KOTAKU.COM DID A PROFILE THIS

WEEK ON ANUCHA "CHA" SAENGCHART,

A THAI MAN WHO HAS QUITE

POSSIBLY THE MOST AWESOME

FACEBOOK PAGE EVER, WHICH IS

DEDICATED TO LOW-COST COSPLAY

USING HOUSEHOLD ITEMS.

(LAUGHTER)

GO LIKE THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING OF CHA'S

FACEBOOK POSTS RECEIVED THE MOST

LIKES?

A. WOLVERINE.

(LAUGHING)

B. HELLO KITTY.

>> OH, MY GOD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: C. JAWS.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH ONE OF THOSE.

NIKKI?

>> B. HELLO KITTY.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

NO, THE WOLVERINE!

>> WOW.

>> Chris: ADAMANTIUM FORKS.

"DO THOSE FORKS HURT WHEN THEY

COME OUT?"

"EVERY TIME."

(LAUGHTER)

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT WOULD THE

NAME OF THE MOVIE BASED ON THIS

LOW-COST COSPLAY WOLVERINE BE?

>> HUGH JACKASS-MAN.

>> Chris: YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU

100 POINTS FOR THAT.

STEVE?

>> X-MEN: BORE-GINS.

(SLIGHT LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT,

I'LL GIVE YOU 100 POINTS.

THEY WERE ON THE FENCE,

BUT I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

KYLE.

>> I WOULD SAY X-MEN: NO CLASS.

>> Chris: YES, WELL DONE,

POINTS!

(APPLAUSE)

NEXT, THIS ARTSY VIDEO CALLED

"FIRST KISS OF 20 TOTAL

STRANGERS KISSING" HAS

RACKED UP OVER 26 MILLION

VIEWS IN TWO DAYS.

TAKE THAT, ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

AND BARACK OBAMA!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE OUT IN THE

WHITE HOUSE INSTEAD OF TALKING

ABOUT IDEAS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

THE ENTIRE INTERNET GOT ALL

EMOTIONAL ABOUT THE TRUTH AND

BEAUTY THAT THIS VIDEO UNLOCKED

INSIDE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US.

"WHO DOESN'T REMEMBER

WHAT IT WAS LIKE

TO HAVE YOUR FIRST KISS?"

AND THE INTERNET REPLACED THAT

WITH HATRED AND BILE WHEN THE

TRUTH WAS REVEALED THAT

THE STRANGERS IN THE VIDEO

WERE ACTORS AND MODELS

AND THE VIDEO WAS AN AD

FOR A CLOTHING COMPANY.

(GASPS)

>> WHAT!

>> Chris: BOO, LOVE IS DEAD!

(LAUGHTER)

STEVE AND KYLE,

I WILL GIVE YOU 1,000 POINTS

IF YOU MAKE OUT RIGHT NOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HANG ON.

>> HOW ABOUT $1,000?

>> Chris: NO, 1,000 POINTS,

WHICH ARE LIKE DOLLARS IN THIS

GAME.

>> WHY DON'T I GET THIS OFFER?

>> Chris: HANG ON,

LET'S SEE IF THEY DO IT.

LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE HELP.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

MAKE OUT!

MAKE OUT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

DO IT! DO IT!

DO IT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YES! YES! YES!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHING)

YEAH BROS, FIST BUMP IT OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS ON MONDAY,

AND IT'S THE ONLY HOLIDAY

OFFICIALLY DEVOTED TO DRINKING.

I'M PRETTY SURE

THAT'S ALL IT'S ABOUT.

NO ONE ELSE HAS EXPLAINED

OTHERWISE IN ALL THE YEARS

IT'S BEEN HAPPENING.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S

#HASHTAGWARS IS #ALCOHOLIDAYS.

(APPLAUSE)

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "NEW BEERS

EVE" OR "BLITZMASS" OR

"MARTINI LUTHER KING DAY."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO!

NIKKI.

>> MY MOTHER'S DAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> THE 5th OF JULY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> HURL HARBOR DAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS!

STEVE.

>> BILLY JOEL'S BIRTHDAY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

NIKKI.

>> COME ON THE BUS DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE COLUMBUS.

>> Chris: OH, YEAH,

YEAH, POINTS.

>> COME ON THE BUS DAY.

>> Chris: KYLE.

>> BOXING A COP DAY.

CANADA.

>> Chris: YES, I'LL GIVE THAT

TO YOU, POINTS.

STEVE.

>> SLOSHED HASHANAH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> MEMORIAL TO MY VIRGINITY DAY.

>> Chris: POINTS!

>> THAT WOULD HAPPEN.

>> Chris: SOME DAY WHEN YOU

LOSE IT TO YOUR HUSBAND, RIGHT?

>> SOME DAY, I'LL HAVE A LITTLE

SIP OF SOMETHING.

>> Chris: STEVE.

>> JOHNNIE WALKER BLACK FRIDAY.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS!

KYLE.

>> I FORGOT TO WEAR A CONDOM,

SO FATHER'S DAY?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS TO KYLE.

IT'S "SWEET EMOJI."

(APPLAUSE)

EMOJI ARE THOSE PICTURES YOU

SEND TO YOUR FRIENDS VIA TEXT

BECAUSE WORDS ARE HARD.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A SERIES

OF EMOJIS AND I WANT YOU TO

TRANSLATE IT INTO A SENTENCE.

IF IT'S FUNNY, POINTS.

IF NOT, NO POINTS.

LET US BEGIN.

WHAT'S THAT?

NIKKI?

>> I (BLEEP) THE LEAD SINGER

OF TRAIN FOR A HAM SANDWICH.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I HAVEN'T THOUGHT

ABOUT THAT BAND IN AGES.

>> WHY THE BROKEN HEART, THEN?

>> Chris: IS THAT

"MEAT VIRGINIA," M-E-A-T?

WHAT?

POINTS, NIKKI GLAZER.

(LAUGHING)

NEXT ONE.

KYLE.

>> THIS ONE SAYS, "SPOOKY

GOT LOCKED UP ON DRUG CHARGES."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS TO YOU!

(LAUGHING)

STEVE, YOU HAD ONE?

>> BETTER CHILD-PROOF THE

MEDICINE CABINET OR WE'RE GOING

TO HAVE ANOTHER DEAD KID.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS!

(LAUGHING)

>> ANOTHER.

>> ANOTHER!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT'S THAT TEXT, STEVE?

>> GIVE ME SOME CANDY AND I'LL

SUCK YOU OFF LIKE A SQUID.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH MY GOD,

I HOPE WE CAN SHOW THAT.

I HOPE WE CAN SHOW THAT.

>> AND ALL THE INK.

>> Chris: 100 POINTS TO NIKKI

FOR INK, 250 POINTS TO STEVE,

100 POINTS TO KYLE

FOR THE ASSIST.

(LAUGHTER)

I GOT, LIKE,

A LITTLE TURNED ON.

LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING FETISHY

ABOUT THAT.

>> OH MY GOD!

I MIGHT THROW UP!

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, ONE MORE.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE.

>> I LIKE IT!

>> Chris: YOU KNOW, STILL TRAIN.

STILL THE BAND TRAIN.

KYLE?

>> IT'S EASY, IT'S "POO HEARTS

BEAT AS ONE."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YOU KNOW, I AM SO

IMPRESSED YOU TOOK THE HIGH

ROAD, POINTS TO KYLE KINANE.

YES, STEVE?

>> WONDERTWIN POWERS: DEFECATE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

TUMBLREALITY: GIF EDITION.

(APPLAUSE)

AND YOU (BLEEP) ONLINE THAT KEEP

SAYING I'M PRONOUNCING "GIF"

WRONG: NO, YOU'RE WRONG!

IT'S GRAPHICS INTERCHANGE

FORMAT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE GUY WHO

CREATED THE GIF FORMAT SAID.

HE'S A (BLEEP) PROGRAMMER,

NOT A LINGUIST.

IT'S GIF, NOT (BLEEP)

PEANUT BUTTER.

(APPLAUSE)

(FRUSTRATED GROAN)

GUYS, TUMBLR IS ONE OF MY

FAVORITE SITES TO GET LOST

IN GIFS FOR HOURS, ONLY TO

REALIZE I'VE WASTED MY LIFE.

I'M GOING TO DESCRIBE TWO

POTENTIAL GIFS THAT WE FOUND ON

TUMBLR AND YOU HAVE TO BUZZ IN

AND TELL ME WHICH ONE IS REAL.

FIRST ONE: CAT OVERWHELMED BY

ITS OWN CROTCH, OR JOE BIDEN

FLASHES HAND SIGN FOR THE

SHOCKER.

NIKKI GLAZER.

>> CAT OVERWHELMED BY HIS OWN

CROTCH, BECAUSE OF "CAT."

>> Chris: BECAUSE OF "CAT."

LET'S FIND OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN I TRY THAT, TOO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: NIKKI GLAZER GETS

POINTS.

NEXT ONE: THE MOM FROM HONEY

BOO BOO, BUT ALL OF HER

ORIFICES ARE MOUTHS.

(CROWD REACTS)

THAT'S ALREADY A THING.

OR THE CAST OF DUCK DYNASTY, BUT

ALL OF THEIR BEARDS ARE LO MEIN.

KYLE?

>> HONEY BOO BOO?

>> Chris: LET'S PREPARE TO BE

HORRIFIED IN EITHER DIRECTION.

>> Chris: NO!

(CROWD REACTS)

>> REMEMBER WHEN US MAKING OUT

WAS THE LEAST GROSS THING

ON THE SHOW?

>> Chris: POINTS!

"HARSHTAG."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

INSTAGRAM IS FULL OF HASHTAGS

LIKE #BFFFOREVER AND #BLESSED,

BUT ARE THOSE HOW YOU REALLY

FEEL OR JUST P.R. FOR YOUR

FOLLOWERS?

COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS

TO COME UP WITH AS MANY HONEST

HASHTAGS THAT YOU THINK SHOULD

BE ON PHOTOS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO!

STEVE.

>> BLEW A DOG ONCE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS?

POINTS.

KYLE.

>> I'M HOT BUT I SMELL LIKE

TRISCUITS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> HERE'S ANOTHER PICTURE OF MY

NIECE BECAUSE I'M BARREN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

STEVE.

>> NIKKI (BLEEP) TRAIN ONCE.

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

>> HAM SANDWICH.

>> POINTS, POINTS, NIKKI!

KYLE.

>> ANOTHER SUNSET

BECAUSE SHE TOOK THE KIDS.

(CROWD REACTS)

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> I PEAKED IN FOURTH GRADE,

#THROWBACKTHURSDAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> KISSED KYLE.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT, YES.

NIKKI.

>> TELL ME I'M BEAUTIFUL

BECAUSE MY PARENTS NEVER DID.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KYLE.

>> BISCUIT TITS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

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