@midnight
Season 1

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

  • Season 1, Ep 0114
  • 11/12/2013

Nikki Glaser, Judd Apatow and David Koechner write the OkCupid profile headline for an alleged drug cartel member and come up with humiliating Google searches.

[LAUGHTER]>> IT'S TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]AS I MENTIONED EARLIER

YOUTUBEERS WERE FURIOUS OF THENEW COMMENTING SYSTEM INTEGRATED

INTO GOOGLE PLUS IS RUININGYOUTUBE.

WITH THAT IN MIND TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS RUINAWEBSITE.

YOU'RE GOING TO TAKERUINAWEBSITE LIKE DISFIGURED

FACEBOOK OR COLLEGE HUMOR WOULDBE ANOTHER ONE OR FUNNY OR LADY

DI WOULD BE ANOTHER ONE YOUCOULD GO WITH.

YOU GUYS ...

[LAUGHTER]YOU GUYS CAN PLAY ALONG AT HOME

BY TWEETING YOUR HASHTAG RUIN AWEB NIGHT.

>> TAINTED COOL NEWS.

>> FINE.

KOECHNER.

>> SPONGE REPORT.

>> NIKKI.

>> E-BAY HAR.

>> FINE.

JUDD.

>> HAROLD PINTERREST.

>> PENNY G MAIL.

>> IT WILL BE SWEET AND BUTTERYTO GET THOSE E-MAILS.

YES.

>> HAMAZON.

>> YES THE ONLY WEB SITE WHEREYOU CAN BUY HAM.

JUDD.

JUDD.

>> MY MOIST SPACE.

>> I WOULD SAY IT HAS MOREMEMBERS THAN THE CURRENT

MYSPACE.

NEXT.

>> I AM LBDJ.

[APPLAUSE]>> NIKKI GLASER.

>> BINGE BUTT.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE YOU WANTTO THROW IN THERE.

JUDD.

>> E-BAY OF PIGS.

>> BOYS.

>> GHOST STEP DADDY.

I AM DAMMED EXCITED BECAUSE THISIS THE FIRST TIME WE'RE GOING TO

PLAY THIS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY CONFESSIONBEAR.

YOU GUYS LOVE CONFESSION THINGSON-LINE WITH THE USE OF THAT

ADORABLY SAD BEAR.

SO THIS IS YOUR ONE AND THIS ISTHE FIRST PART OF THE CONFESSION

BEAR.

FOR TO POINTS YOUR JOB IS TOCOME UP WITH A FUNNIER

CONFESSION THAN THE REAL ONE.

ARE YOUS GUYS READY.

HERE'S THE FIRST CONFESSION.

SOMETIMES WHEN MY BUTT ITCHES... JUDD.

>> I ASK DAVE KOECHNER TO STOP.

[LAUGHTER][APPLAUSE]

>> THE REAL ANSWER WAS I USEFARTS TO STOP IT.

I HAVEN'T HAD A STABLERELATIONSHIP IN YEARS DOT YES

NIKKI.

>> EXCEPT FOR THE TIME I [BLEEP]THAT HORSE.

[LAUGHTER]>> THAT'S GREAT.

ALL RIGHT.

THE REAL ANSWER IS BECAUSE I'MIN LOVE WITH A FEMALE VOICE IN

MY HEAD WHO TALKS TO ME IN MYINNER THOUGHTS.

OKAY.

YOU HAVE WAY POINTS ABOVE THAT.

POINTS FOR NIKKI GLASER.

ALL RIGHT NEXT ONE.

I ALL BABIES LOOK THE SAME.

KOECHNER.

>> I THINK ALL BABIES LOOK THESAME LET'S JUST GRAB ONE GET OUT

OF HERE.

[LAUGHTER]>> THE REAL ANSWER WAS, AND THAT

THEY ARE KIND OF UGLY BUT POINTSTO YOU DAVID KOECHNER.

THAT'S WAY BETTER, WAY BETTER.

AND THAT TAKES US TO THE END OFCONFESSION BEAR.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY IRON SHEIKH.

[APPLAUSE]>> IF YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING

THE IRON SHEIKH ON TWITTER, ITALTERNATIVELY PLACES TAX PEOPLE

ON TWITTER AND IT'S VERY CLEARWHICH ONE HE'S DOING.

LAST TIME WE PLAYED THIS GAME HEACTUALLY PRAISED US BY TWEETING

RESPECT MY NEW FAVORITE SHOW THEAT AT MIDNIGHT AND MY SISTER'S

SON AT NERDIST BECAUSE THEY PUTME BACK OVER ON THE SHOW.

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF THESHEIKH LIKES IT BY SAYING REAL

OR HATES IT BY SAYING JABRONI.

YES, JUDD.

>> JABRONI.

NO HE LOVES IT.

YOU DESERVE A GOLD MEDAL.

>> WOW.

[APPLAUSE]>> FIRST OF ALL, WHAT GOVERNING

BODY WOULD ISSUE SUCH A MEDAL.

AND WHO GOT THE BRONZE.

[LAUGHTER]>> ALL RIGHT.

FINE.

[APPLAUSE]>> NIKKI GLASER.

ALL RIGHT NEXT ONE DAYLIGHTSAVINGS TIME.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DAYLIGHTSAVINGS TIME.

YES, NIKKI.

>> JABRONI.

>> DOESN'T LIKE IT AT ALL.

I WAKE UP AND BEAT THE [BLEEP]OUT OF MY CLOCK [BLEEP]

SURPRISE.

[APPLAUSE]>> THAT'S GREAT.

>> ALL RIGHT NOW WE'RE GOING TOFIND OUT IF THE SHEIKH WAS A

90'S MAN.

YES, JUDD.

>> REAL.

>> YES, REAL REAL.

I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP] ABOUT YOUYOU'RE NOT LIKE FRANK SINATRA.

YOU ARE LIKE [BLEEP] [BLEEP]YOURSELF.

[APPLAUSE]>> YEAH.

I SHOWED YOU THESE GLAMOROUSSELFIES FROM AN ALLEGED DRUG

CARTEL NAMED BROLY.

COMEDIANS WHAT IS BROLY'SHEADLINE.

DAVID KOECHNER.

>> I'M A -- LOOKING FOR A CHEGUERVA.

>> I RESPECT YOU DON'T HURT MEWOULD YOU LIKE TO STAR IN

SUPERMAN TOO.

IT'S CALLED [BLEEP][BLEEP]

[LAUGHTER]YOUR FRIEND.

[LAUGHTER]>> NIKKI GLASER.

>> LOOKING FOR A LADY WHO ENJOYSLONG WALKS ON THE BEACH AND/OR

MIDNIGHT BEHEADING.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY EMBARRASSINGGOOGLE SEARCHES.

[APPLAUSE]>> I SET MY BROWSER ON PRIVATE

BROWSING SO THAT MY SEARCHHISTORY DOESN'T RETAIN THINGS

THAT I SEARCH SEVERAL TIMES ADAY LIKE SINGLED OUT FAN CLUB OR

EMMA WATSON SPEAK.

[LAUGHTER]>> I BELIEVED YOU.

>> THEY CAUSED IT RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]>> DO THEY HAVE THE RAVEN CLAUSE

HERE?

ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

YOU GUYS HAVE 60 SECONDS TO COMEUP WITH AS MANY EMBARRASSING

GOOGLE SEARCHES AS POSSIBLE.

STARTING NOW.

JUDD.

>> HOW DO YOU FIRE STONED BABYSITTERS.

>> DAVE.

>> HOW TO AUTHENTICALLYREPLICATE OLIVE GARDEN RECIPES.

[LAUGHTER]>> YES, NIKKI.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK SINGLE BUTIT'S A TYPO THEY REFERRED TO

SINGLED OUT.

THEY WEREN'T REALLY INTERESTED.

>> I'M TOTALLY WITH YOU.

YES, JUDD.

>> ANAL WART REMOVAL.

[LAUGHTER]>> AFTER A WHILE THEY JUST

BECOME PART OF YOU.

>> YES, NIKKI.

>> HOW DO YOU BABY-SIT.

>> KOECHNER.

>> I AM DBJ.

>> POINTS.

JUDD.

>> TICK TACK LADY SHAVED.

>> POINT.

>> HAS THE MALE SIZE PENISCHANGED.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'SRESEARCHING.

POINTS.

>> SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE -->> IS THAT THE FIRST AUTO SEARCH

THAT COMES UP WHEN YOU TYPE INNUDE WOMEN.

NIKKI.

>> ARE PUBE CRABS REAL CRABS.

>> POINTS, POINTS FOR NIKKI.

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