Tuesday, November 12, 2013

  • 11/12/2013

Nikki Glaser, Judd Apatow and David Koechner write the OkCupid profile headline for an alleged drug cartel member and come up with humiliating Google searches.

>> WELCOME BACK TO @MIDNIGHT.

I AM DAMMED EXCITED BECAUSE THIS

IS THE FIRST TIME WE'RE GOING TO

PLAY THIS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY CONFESSION

BEAR.

YOU GUYS LOVE CONFESSION THINGS

ON-LINE WITH THE USE OF THAT

ADORABLY SAD BEAR.

SO THIS IS YOUR ONE AND THIS IS

THE FIRST PART OF THE CONFESSION

BEAR.

FOR TO POINTS YOUR JOB IS TO

COME UP WITH A FUNNIER

CONFESSION THAN THE REAL ONE.

ARE YOUS GUYS READY.

HERE'S THE FIRST CONFESSION.

SOMETIMES WHEN MY BUTT ITCHES

... JUDD.

>> I ASK DAVE KOECHNER TO STOP.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> THE REAL ANSWER WAS I USE

FARTS TO STOP IT.

I HAVEN'T HAD A STABLE

RELATIONSHIP IN YEARS DOT YES

NIKKI.

>> EXCEPT FOR THE TIME I [BLEEP]

THAT HORSE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT'S GREAT.

ALL RIGHT.

THE REAL ANSWER IS BECAUSE I'M

IN LOVE WITH A FEMALE VOICE IN

MY HEAD WHO TALKS TO ME IN MY

INNER THOUGHTS.

OKAY.

YOU HAVE WAY POINTS ABOVE THAT.

POINTS FOR NIKKI GLASER.

ALL RIGHT NEXT ONE.

I ALL BABIES LOOK THE SAME.

KOECHNER.

>> I THINK ALL BABIES LOOK THE

SAME LET'S JUST GRAB ONE GET OUT

OF HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THE REAL ANSWER WAS, AND THAT

THEY ARE KIND OF UGLY BUT POINTS

TO YOU DAVID KOECHNER.

NEXT GAME I'M SO EXCITED WE WERE

ABLE TO BRING IT BACK.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY IRON SHEIKH.

[APPLAUSE]

>> IF YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING

THE IRON SHEIKH ON TWITTER, IT

ALTERNATIVELY PLACES TAX PEOPLE

ON TWITTER AND IT'S VERY CLEAR

WHICH ONE HE'S DOING.

LAST TIME WE PLAYED THIS GAME HE

ACTUALLY PRAISED US BY TWEETING

RESPECT MY NEW FAVORITE SHOW THE

AT AT MIDNIGHT AND MY SISTER'S

SON AT NERDIST BECAUSE THEY PUT

ME BACK OVER ON THE SHOW.

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF THE

SHEIKH LIKES IT BY SAYING REAL

OR HATES IT BY SAYING JABRONI.

YES, JUDD.

>> JABRONI.

NO HE LOVES IT.

YOU DESERVE A GOLD MEDAL.

>> WOW.

[APPLAUSE]

>> FIRST OF ALL, WHAT GOVERNING

BODY WOULD ISSUE SUCH A MEDAL.

AND WHO GOT THE BRONZE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ALL RIGHT.

FINE.

[APPLAUSE]

>> NIKKI GLASER.

ALL RIGHT NEXT ONE DAYLIGHT

SAVINGS TIME.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DAYLIGHT

SAVINGS TIME.

YES, NIKKI.

>> JABRONI.

>> DOESN'T LIKE IT AT ALL.

I WAKE UP AND BEAT THE [BLEEP]

OUT OF MY CLOCK [BLEEP]

SURPRISE.

[APPLAUSE]

>> THAT'S GREAT.

>> ALL RIGHT NOW WE'RE GOING TO

FIND OUT IF THE SHEIKH WAS A

90'S MAN.

YES, JUDD.

>> REAL.

>> YES, REAL REAL.

I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP] ABOUT YOU

YOU'RE NOT LIKE FRANK SINATRA.

YOU ARE LIKE [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

YOURSELF.

[APPLAUSE]

>> YEAH.

>> WELL SCUM BACK TO @MIDNIGHT.

I SHOWED YOU THESE GLAMOROUS

LFIES FROM AN ALLEGED DRUGSE

CARTEL NAMED BROLY.

COMEDIANS WHAT IS BROLY'S

HEADLINE.

DAVID KOECHNER.

>> I'M A -- LOOKING FOR A CHE

UERVA.G

>> I RESPECT YOU DON'T HURT ME

WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAR IN

SUPERMAN TOO.

IT'S CALLED [BLEEP]

[BLEEP]

[LAUGHTER]

YOUR FRIEND.

[LAUGHTER]

>> NIKKI GLASER.

>> LOOKING FOR A LADY WHO ENJOYS

IT COULD BE ANYONE'S MATCH AT

THIS POINT.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY EMBARRASSING

GOOGLE SEARCHES.

[APPLAUSE]

>> I SET MY BROWSER ON PRIVATE

BROWSING SO THAT MY SEARCH

HISTORY DOESN'T RETAIN THINGS

THAT I SEARCH SEVERAL TIMES A

DAY LIKE SINGLED OUT FAN CLUB OR

EMMA WATSON SPEAK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I BELIEVED YOU.

>> THEY CAUSED IT RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> DO THEY HAVE THE RAVEN CLAUSE

HERE?

ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

YOU GUYS HAVE 60 SECONDS TO COME

UP WITH AS MANY EMBARRASSING

GOOGLE SEARCHES AS POSSIBLE.

STARTING NOW.

JUDD.

>> HOW DO YOU FIRE STONED BABY

SITTERS.

>> DAVE.

>> HOW TO AUTHENTICALLY

REPLICATE OLIVE GARDEN RECIPES.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YES, NIKKI.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK SINGLE BUT

IT'S A TYPO THEY REFERRED TO

SINGLED OUT.

THEY WEREN'T REALLY INTERESTED.

>> I'M TOTALLY WITH YOU.

YES, JUDD.

>> ANAL WART REMOVAL.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AFTER A WHILE THEY JUST

BECOME PART OF YOU.

>> YES, NIKKI.

>> HOW DO YOU BABY-SIT.

>> KOECHNER.

>> I AM DBJ.

>> POINTS.

JUDD.

>> TICK TACK LADY SHAVED.

>> POINT.

>> HAS THE MALE SIZE PENIS

CHANGED.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S

RESEARCHING.

POINTS.

>> SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE --

>> IS THAT THE FIRST AUTO SEARCH

THAT COMES UP WHEN YOU TYPE IN

NUDE WOMEN.

NIKKI.

>> ARE PUBE CRABS REAL CRABS.

>> OKAY GUYS IT'S TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS I MENTIONED EARLIER

YOUTUBEERS WERE FURIOUS OF THE

NEW COMMENTING SYSTEM INTEGRATED

INTO GOOGLE PLUS IS RUINING

YOUTUBE.

WITH THAT IN MIND TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS RUINAWEBSITE.

YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE

RUINAWEBSITE LIKE DISFIGURED

FACEBOOK OR COLLEGE HUMOR WOULD

BE ANOTHER ONE OR FUNNY OR LADY

DI WOULD BE ANOTHER ONE YOU

COULD GO WITH.

YOU GUYS ...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS CAN PLAY ALONG AT HOME

BY TWEETING YOUR HASHTAG RUIN A

WEB NIGHT.

>> TAINTED COOL NEWS.

>> FINE.

KOECHNER.

>> SPONGE REPORT.

>> NIKKI.

>> E-BAY HAR.

>> FINE.

JUDD.

>> HAROLD PINTERREST.

>> PENNY G MAIL.

>> IT WILL BE SWEET AND BUTTERY

TO GET THOSE E-MAILS.

YES.

>> HAMAZON.

>> YES THE ONLY WEB SITE WHERE

YOU CAN BUY HAM.

JUDD.

>>

MY MOIST SPACE.

>> I WOULD SAY IT HAS MORE

MEMBERS THAN THE CURRENT

MYSPACE.

NEXT.

>> I AM LBDJ.

[APPLAUSE]

>> NIKKI GLASER.

>> BINGE BUTT.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE YOU WANT

TO THROW IN THERE.

JUDD.

>> E-BAY OF PIGS.

>> BOYS.

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