I'm having a greattime in New York.
Did you know before Icould host this show,
they made me get a physical.
It seemed silly tome too, at first.
-I thought maybe they- I- atfirst I thought maybe they
wanted me to take a drugtest or s- you know,
make sure I wasn'thopped up on something.
But turns out they don't care--
- --about that.
And then I thoughtmaybe they were- maybe
they were checking forsome psychological thing.
But then I realized, ifthey didn't think there was
something wrongwith my brain, why
would they hire mein the first place?
-So it turns out all they careabout is if I'm going to live
through the end of the tapingfor the next couple of weeks,
And I like to- I like to thinkthat if I'm going to drop
dead in the next coupleweeks, you could tell
just by looking at me, you know.
And apparently, that's thewhole idea of the physical,
because all the guy does islook in my eye, check my pulse,
and that's it.
I mean, a monkeywith a stethoscope
could've given me that exam.
-At lea- you figured at leasthe'd give me some pep pills
or, you know, some prescriptionbutt lotion, or something.
-You know, because we all knowthat over-the-counter butt
lotion is junk.
-But if that's allyou get, hey, at least
I didn't have to wait very long.
That's the- I hatewaiting for the doctor.
You know, you sit in theroom in your underpants
waiting for the guy.
Spend the whole time studyingthat chart of the human anatomy
with all the muscles and nervesjust so I can be sure I know
exactly where tohit the guy when
he comes in to check me out.
-Anyway, it's abouttime to bring out
I'm- I'm not a lesbianbut I play one on TV.
Anyway, that's what- oh, don'tgive me that surly young New
Bite me, young man.
[cheers and applause]
I- I turned- no.
I turned- I turned35 so now I'm taking
prisoner all men under 20.
It's- I am.
I'm getting awful.
I yell back atconstruction workers now.
I don't care.
-When you're a young womanin this city of all cities,
you know, when they say thosecreative and lascivious things
when you walk by, you're filledwith youthful indignation.
You're, like, (SILLYGIRL VOICE) stop it.
This is not for you.
God, how thirdworld. (NORMAL VOICE)
And you walk off in thatlittle Clearasil huff.
-But when you get to be my ageand they yell stuff- stuff.
I didn't say it good.
Then you- you- you'reso so grateful,
you're beside yourself.
You're, like, what?
-Thank you. [laughs]
-You- you want to do whatwith me in that wheelbarrow?
-You want me to bethe wheelbarrow?
I got a minute.
-And then, they're, like,lady, I was kidding.
I gotta put up a building.
She heard me.
2 Drink Minimum.
That's a great show for anex-drinker to be on, isn't it,
2 Drink Minimum, sponsored by-oh, my favorite thing is this
Beer with no alcohol.
What a tease.
That is like a nun with a D-cup.
Why on earth would you?
-You know, you can see them.
You can touch them.
But what's the use.
-Why would you drinkbeer with no alcohol?
In case you like that bloatedfeeling and frequent urination
that accompaniesreal beer drinking?
-And you're kind of, like, well,I don't want to get a buzz.
I just like to piss a lot.
- I haven't had a drinkin a really long time.
I haven't had alcoholin almost nine years.
Later a room full ofpeople'll do it. [laughs]
-Isn't it hot in here?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes.
-I just felt like saying that.
I didn't have anythingto go with it.
You guys did all getoff work and everything.
Now, I went shopping today.
I used my IvanaTrump card. [laughs]
-I was watching Ivana onsome show the other day.
She goes, now she says,I go broadcasting.
Women like me.
-I'm looking at her.
Her face is stretched sotight she can use one Q-Tip,
because her earsmeet in the back now.
-And, I'm, like,I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna go get thosestore-bought boobs
Because I was in LA for a monthand people'll come and talk
to you if you have lessthan, like, a B-cup there,
just because you're a curiosity.
You know, Stop looking.[laughter]
-I'm telling the truth.
-And they will.
I want some of thosebig, old fake things,
but I don't want to turn intoone of those lizard women,
the women who've had somuch cosmetic surgery
they're not even biodegradable.
You know, their necksstart to look like that.
-They look likebig komodo dragons
with Chanel accessories.
-(SNOOTY VOICE) I'd love tolaugh at your little joke
but my stitcheswill fly everywhere.
-No, it's true.
Last night I was guffawing andmy breast flew across the room.
-And landed on a wall.
It was so [inaudible].
-I know, they'relittle rich kids.
Well, in New YorkCity, in any city,
but here they'reso obnoxiously rich
if you go in certainparts of town.
Like, my husband andI actually saved up
to go to this reallynice restaurant.
And we go there and actuallyheard a child say this, Daddy,
do we have to havelobster again?
So I ate flamingchild for dessert.
It was very nice though.
[laughter]-You know, I think about that.
Was that mean about Ivana Trump?
I shouldn't make fun of her.
Well, I'm not sayingshe's an opportunist,
but she opened a wig salon nextto Sloan Kettering. [laughs]
-Oh, guess what I thinkabout when you groan?
Guess how cocky I'm gettingOK, I'm about a spit away
from learning to type anyway.
-OK, all right.
I have to go.
I'm just in themarket for death.
That's all I want.
-I had- I'm limping.
I had a little accidentwith one of those girls
that spray cologne onyou in department stores.
I had a book of matches.
I don't need to tellyou what happened.
-Don't they chap your ass?
I hate those girls, youknow, the ones who come up,
and all they do is spray.
You know, they don'teven say the name
of what they're selling.
Or that's all they say.
They don't have totell you anything.
You know, the ones whocome up and go, Obsession.
-I am 35.
You are 18.
You have no idea whatobsession is yet.
-It's not in a bottle.
Come here, little fetal tissue.
I will tell youwhat obsession is.
-Obsession is roamingaround the bushes outside
of a married man'shouse at midnight
with a machete in onehand and a big jar
of Vick's VapoRub in the other.
-Now go tell your daddy that.
[laughter and applause]
-And tell him to call me.
-How's it going?
-I was coming down the streettoday with my girlfriend, here.
This guy shouts out, hey, man,your girlfriend's a peach.
And, I thought,well, that's nice.
And then it turns out she hasa really fuzzy face and a stem.
-So I play in a band.
It's a really undergroundband, super underground,
Like, we- we don'tactually even play.
-Because I'm not a sellout, man.
But I was here.
I just got here.
And I, like, went to aguitar store, check it out.
Because it's totallydifferent here than it
is back in San Francisco.
The people hereare really intense.
Like, these cats are, like,on speed, freaking out, just
trying to sell youanything that they can.
-This guy's, like, you'vegotta buy something, man.
You wanna buy something, like,buy a guitar or something?
You, like, a Marshallstack or something.
You know, you gottabuy something, man.
My wife's having a baby!
-You know, OK, whoa.
You know, right on, dude.
[laughs] Bought some strings.
And- but at home, it'stotally different.
It's, like, this weirdpassive-aggressive,
therapeutic, like, Idon't know what, man.
I got in.
-This guy's, like,welcome, Greg.
Couple things you'regonna see today, Greg.
You're gonna see guitars.
Something you're notgoing to see, salesman.
-I like to considermyself a facilitator, OK.
-But what I need to know morethan if you're- you know,
the guitar is rightfor you, I need
to know if theguitar is OK for you.
But I need to know more ifyou're OK for the guitar.
-Do you see whatI'm saying, Greg?
We definitely haveto check you out.
Do you see what I'msaying, Greg, because I'm
getting a bad feelingabout your aura.
And, you know what, Iwant you to get out.
-So I bought one.
And it's kind of cool.
Retail's sort of a trip.
I- I worked in retail fora while in men's clothing,
and- which is a real treat,because guys dig shopping
and they're really friendlywhen they come in to do it.
-I don't know what it is.
I think guys don't like tobe waited on by other guys,
because maybe they're afraidsome weird thing's gonna
happen, you know.
Maybe they'rehomophobic, you know.
Like, what's going to happen?
Yes, are you looking for pants?
Because we have them rightover- dance with me, sir.
-Guys are kind of dumbwhen it come to clothing.
Not all guys.
This guy comes up to me oneday, goes, excuse me, pal, yeah.
Is this going to shrink?
I'm, like, well, sir.
That's a belt.
I guess if you get fat it will.
-This was the weirdest,though, and I didn't
know really howto react to this.
This guy said,excuse me, pal, yeah.
Do these pants makemy butt look big?
But the size and shape of yourass makes your butt look big.
-Be hard pressed to blameit on the denim when you're
the one packing away theCheetos, there, big guy.
Man, I'm gonna eat so muchdairy when this set is over.
Wanna let you know that rightaway, OK, because I don't
want to be buggedafter the show.
-The way to spot a male hooker,at least in San Francisco,
and I think it's true here, ifyou're coming down the street,
you see a guy standingup against a wall,
leaning against thewall with one leg
up like this leaning against thewall, means he's a male hooker.
If you're comingdown the street,
and you see a guy standingup against the wall,
and he has both legs up likethis, means it's Spiderman.
-Get his autograph becausehe's a huge celebrity
and he's imaginary.
Hey, you're Spiderman!
-[laughs] You don't exist.
I also- I was at- I wasat the zoo the other day.
And very panicky.
You know, the situationswhere you really don't know
how to act, you know,you're unsure of- of what
you're supposed to do.
I was at the zoofor the first time.
I'm looking at somethingcalled a lesser
kudu, which islike a fancy deer.
And I'm looking at this thingand I panic because I have
no idea, you know, how longI'm supposed to look at it,
you know, because I don't knowwhether I've got enough lesser
kudu enjoyment, Youknow what I mean?
-Like, I don't knowwhat I'm supposed
to- I don't haveenough information.
I don't know.
You know, and at one point,the thing stares at me,
like, it wants tostart something.
And I'll go--
- --a couple of rounds, man,because I can make a fist,
-And I was at the Modern today.
I'm looking at thispainting at the Modern.
It's blue, OK.It's real simple.
It's a big, blue square.
No shade of blue.
Just one- just one- just blue.
-And it's called Azul.
And this woman is staringat, like, a part of it.
You see what I'm saying.
She's looking at a part ofit, like, I don't get it.
Like, she's intimidating me.
Like, I don'tunderstand the painting.
-You know, like- like,she's better than me
all of the sudden.
Like, she's, oh, this part, youknow, this part is different.
You know, it's-so finally I just,
bam, you know, because I get it.
-Thank you guys very much.
This the only city where youactually have to say things
like, hey, that's mine.
Don't pee on that.
-I'm trying to quit smoking.
I think I smoke too much.
I smoke in theshower, which I think
is one sign it's gettinga little outta hand.
-I used to drink a lot, too.
I quit drinking though.
Drinking is bad for you.
But you do learn alot from drinking.
One thing I learned is that ifyou ever go Christmas caroling,
you should go witha bunch of people.
-Somehow, when you goalone and drunk, it's
not taken the sameway, you know.
And it's also good togo around December.
I think that's reallythe best time to go.
-Somehow when you goin July and you're
outside yourex-girlfriend's house
naked with a bottle of bourbongoing, (YELLING) jingle bells,
you know, most people don'tthink of that as caroling.
-Lotta people ask mehow I quit drinking.
What I do is I sleep20 hours a day,
so I can't really drink at all.
I sleep so muchthat I think I've
had all the dreamsI could ever have.
I have no dreams left.
-You know what Idreamt the other night?
I dreamt that I wasstanding in front of a pole,
and that was it.
That was the wholedream for eight hours.
-Once I dreamt in Spanish.
I had this dream that I was,like, in a Sam Peckinpaw-type
Western with all theseguys with big mustaches.
And we're all, like, you know.
The thing is Ionly took, was it,
one year of Spanishin seventh grade.
So all the drama wasthere but we didn't really
have much to say to each other.
We just yell at each other,telling our-- what our-- color
our shirts are andstuff, you know.
-The-- the wholedream was, (SPANISH
ACCENT) tu camisa es verde.
-Donde esta libro?
Libro is en la mesa.
[makes shooting sounds]
-Some people dreamabout having money.
Ross Perot has $3 billion.
That Is so much money.
What would you do withthat kind of money?
-You know what I would do?
I like to spendit all in one day.
Because you'd have a tremendousimpact on the world, you know.
Like, go to someplacelike Portland, Oregon
and buy all the pantsin the whole city.
And there'd be thiscrisis and you'd rule.
Go on TV the next day.
If you want pants,you'll come to me.
I am the king of pants.
El rey del pantalones.
I'm Ted Koppel.
Today in Portland,there are no more pants.
A tyrannical despot has hadthe city in culottes for days.
I have diarrhea.
-I'm not sick.
I have a gallon of itin my refrigerator.
It's a little different.
-You've made me very happy.
-I was watching one ofthose nature documentaries.
You ever watch the animal shows?
I like those shows.
-I think the narrator,though, starts getting bored.
He starts making stuff up.
You ever get that feeling?
-Bunch of lions hanging out.
He's got a whole sagawritten about it, you know.
(COMMANDING VOICE) Andthe lion tells the lioness
that they must move tothe next watering hole,
because the dryseason is approaching
and the young must be protected.
-He is the leader of the packbut he's getting old now.
So- (REGULAR VOICE) I thinkhe's just smelling her ass.
That's all I can see.
-Where you getting all this?
[laughs] I gotarrested last week.
I was in jail becauseI was speeding
and I don't have a license.
-Never had a license in my life.
So when I get pulledover for anything,
I go to jail automatically.
-So I had to go to jail,Jersey City County Jail.
I had to bestrip-searched, stand
there naked in front of a cop.
You can't be at more of adisadvantage with somebody
than if you're nakedand they have a gun,
you know what I'm saying?
-Standing there,and he looks at me,
and he goes, (LOUD VOICE) allright, lift your testicles.
-I was, like, well,can I use my hands?
-Or do you just wantme to go, (HUMS LOUDLY)
-Rise on my command.
-I'd like to do someimpressions for you before I go.
This first one, this is myimpression of a very paranoid
guy calling a woman for a date.
A very paranoid guycalling a woman for a date.
You wanna go to a movie?
-All right, 10 o'clock.
Meet me at thetheater and no cops.
-All right, now is myimpression of a superhero
being propositioned by a hooker.
A superhero beingpropositioned by a hooker.
-This is a superhero beingpropositioned by a hooker.
Hey baby, want tohave a good time?
(COMMANDING VOICE) No.
-All right, now this is.
-This is a weddingin the year 2000.
A wedding in the year 2000Do you take this woman
to be your lawfullywedded bride?
If yes, press one.