Crash Test with Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 01/22/2016

Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel spend a wild night driving around Los Angeles in a packed bus and welcome guests like Natasha Leggero, Thomas Lennon, Aziz Ansari and many more.

That should be illegal,that should beagainst the law

unless they havea job waitingfor you on the outside.

Like, "Microsoft's lookingfor someone to sitin a rock garden

"and think about deathfor eight hours a day.

"You'd be perfect."

So, I'm in the job marketnow and I livein a hipster neighborhood,

so it's pretty bleak.

We've got more overeducatedwhite kids in their 20's

than a Wu-Tang Clan concert.

I can't finda job where I live,because where I live

it's all coffee shopsand lesbian bookstores.

That's the whole thing.That's all it is.

And apparently peopleonly wanna buy coffee

from skinny hipsterswith haircuts andeven worse attitudes.

I've got a better shotat the lesbian bookstore

'cause at least I have breastsand facial hair.

I wear a lot of cargo shorts.

I've read Fear Of Flying,like, three times.

It got so bad for melooking for work

I went and applied at a Targetand I figured I was a shoo-in

because as far as I know,all you need to work at Target

is a red t-shirt.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

Yeah, you'redigging it so far.

I don't think she's evenaware of my existence.

I think we're gonnaget married.

BOTH: Earl Sweatshirt!

[MUSIC - EARL SWEATSHIRT, "BURGUNDY"]

Yep.

We going to do itlike this right here.

Hands up in the air.

Hands up in the mother[muted] sky this.

Yep.

(SINGING) Bounce.

Bounce.Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

OK.

My grandma passing but I'm toobusy trying to get this [muted]

album cracking to see her.

So I apologize in advanceif anything should happen.

And my priorities are[muted] up, I know it.

I'm afraid I'm going to blow it.

With the expectationsraising because Daddy

was a poet, right?

So talk all want,I'm taking no advice.

[muted] I'm about torelish it, this anguish.

And I'm stressingover payment so don't

tell me that I made it.

Only relatively famous inamidst of a tornado misfitted.

I'm Clark Gable, I'm not stable.

Abrasive as [muted]and they pay me.

I'll chuckling,cross-faded in public.

Heart racing till blunts litlook like you don't a [muted]

again, right?

Hands up in the mother[muted] sky like this, bass.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Bounce.

I don't [muted] withtoo much of y'all shit.

Judging by the pantsand the mall grip.

Gully, in the vanswith the dark tints.

I'm a start shit type[muted], night life living.

Riding in the Jeep, I'mgoing to sideswipe [muted].

What's your life like?

That's all right [muted].

Hammer in the left readywhen the price isn't.

Right got the whip and Igot the license for it.

Jill got me livinglike my life is golden.

Sitting on the sofa,feeling high and dormant.

If we could smoke anotherwhile the mic is recording.

The nicest doing it.

Who the [muted] you staring at?

Acting like you never seen atooth's that's carat-capped.

Bars harder than theblock where we be at.

Stunting these [muted],going to flop like Divac.

See that [muted]?

For the time being, I'mgoing to be that [muted].

Believe that, [muted].

See that [muted]?

For the time being, I'mgoing to be that [muted].

Believe that, [muted].

Yeah.

Yay.

PAUL SCHEER: Earl Sweatshirt!

PAUL SCHEER: So here'scome security now.

What the F is this?

He means what the [muted].

He's too mad to say it.

What the F, Harold and Kumar?

That's not who we are.

We're sorry.

There was a misunderstanding.

What kind ofmisunderstanding breaks wood?

A computer drives the bus.

We didn't--

Do you know whythis gate is there?

To stop people fromcoming on the lot.

(YELLING) Thisis the thin white

and red line thatseparates the dream

factory from you assholes.

We're coming on.

God damn it.PAUL SCHEER: Wait, wait, wait.

Coming on?ROB HUEBEL: Ah, no, no no, no.

All right, everybody, be cool.

Please.

They're cops.

We don't want any trouble.

Settle down.PAUL SCHEER: All right.

OK.

Smells like a goddamnBonnaroo in this place.

(YELLING) Sit down!

Sit the [muted] down!

(YELLING) Sit down!

Sit the [muted] down!

Oh, you chuckle heads.

Oh!

We are going to do what iscalled a nuts and butts.

Nuts and butts.

No, no, no.

I don't want to do,that sounds terrible.

Look, everyonehere, we're not-- OK.

-All right.-What a--

-All right, all right.-No, no.

Hey, no.

No, Hollywood, whatabout it sounds terrible?

No.

BOTH: Nuts and butts.

We both--

We love your opinionon law enforcement.

I can't wait to-- oh,I can't wait to hear it.

If you get called randomlyfor a nuts and butts--

I have a feeling I know whoran the miz there, good looking.

If you get cause for a nutsand butts, here's what happens.

You grab your ankles,you drop your drawers,

you pull your cheeks apartlike it's the opening

of a movie at the El Captain.

And you lift yourscrotal sack so we--

What?

--can look underneathat the same time.

That funny to you?

BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Keep going, no.

Say more whoa.

BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

OK, stop with the whoas.

Great to be here.

Anyone else addictedto these things?

So cool and new, we don't evenknow the side effects yet.

Literally, notesting's been done.

Perfect for the healthconscious pregnant teen.

I will never bepregnant-- for long.

My girlfriends, who arein their 30's, are all

freaking out becausethey want to have babies.

Meanwhile, men who are 38 arebarely ready for pet ownership.

I would rather walk inon a man hanging himself

while jerking off then havethem have one of those "Call

of Duty" headsets on.

That's the one where you protectour country from your couch

while you're eating a sandwich.

This is the guyI'm going to trust

to be the sperm donorto the Asian surrogate

that's going to carry my child?

That is a big decisionin a gal's life.

I mean, why do you a kid?

So you don't die alone, I guess.

Right?

I don't know though.

I remember when my grandmadied, she was pissing the bed

and shitting herself.

Calling me the "N word."

Think I want tobe alone for that.

I'm wearing Kirklanddiamonds this evening.

Anyone?

Costco diamonds?

I'm not afraid to get mydiamonds where I get my salsa.

Tiffany's is great but I can'teat a churro while I check out.

This is Cutie.

Cutie, sit.

Don't worry, thisone's been declawed.

It's amazing the clothes you canpick up at the animal shelter.

These boots were madefrom a pit bull that

couldn't get potty trained.

Fur's wasted oncreatures too stupid

to realize how glamorous it is.

And by creatures,I mean Beyonce.

said it shouldn't be done.

And we told them togo [muted] themselves.

You go straight to Hell,you're jealous because you

don't have a 60 foot glass bus.

Seriously, take off yourshoes because your socks

are going to beknocked off and we

don't want to wreck your shoes.

Seriously, tie your dick's inknots to hold in the pee that's

going to want to come outbecause of all the fun

you're having.

I don't know, I gotlost in the analogy.

PAUL SCHEER: I likedit, I was right there.

I was right there.

Tonight we're going to begoing all around Los Angeles.

We're going to see allkinds of stand up comedy.

Musical acts.

Crazy people on the street.

Plus beautiful LA andall of the strip malls.

ROB HUEBEL: Amazing buildings.

I would never eatsushi from a place

next to a Thai massage parlor.

Who are some famouspeople that you think

you're going to see tonight?Anyone.

Who do you think?-Aziz Ansari.

No, not Aziz Ansari.

Who do you thinkyou're going to see?

-Kurt Russell.-Kurt Russell?

No.

BOTH: No!

I went to a cameraman.

Who do you thinkyou're going to see?

Richard Gere.

He does not do liveperformances anymore.

How about you, ma'am?

Who do you want tosee you tonight?

Rob Schneider.

PAUL SCHEER: What?

You said that--

Well, you know what?

You might see Rob Schneider.

We're going to bedriving around LA.

He's very gettable.

Rob Schneider.

Richard Gere.

Leonardo DiCaprio.

Rob Schneider.

Set those goals low.

We're going to showyou just how depressing

Hollywood reallyis and then we're

all going to move to New York!

(SHOUTING) Let's do it!