Black Howard Dean & Stereotype Pixies

  • Season 3, Ep 2
  • 07/16/2006

Dave screams his way along the campaign trail and gets into a fight as Gary Coleman.

EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHTIN CANDYLAND.

HEY! HEY!GET OFF THE TRAMPOLINE!

GET OFF THE TRAMPOLINE!STOP PLAYING WITH IT.

- OH, MY GOD,IT'S GARY COLEMAN!

OH, CAN I HAVEYOUR AUTOGRAPH?

- MISS, PLEASE,I'M BUSY AT WORK RIGHT NOW,

AND I REALLY DON'T LIKEDOING THAT ANYMORE.

THANK YOU.I'M SO SORRY.

- WELL, COULD YOU AT LEAST SAY,"WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?"

I LOVE THAT!

OOH, GO ON, SAY IT.GO ON, SAY IT.

- MISS, I'M SORRY,I DON'T SAY THAT ANYMORE,

AND I WISH YOU WOULDN'TBRING IT UP.

IT'S A LITTLE PAINFUL FOR ME,SOME TOUGH TIMES IN MY LIFE,

AND I'M REALLY JUST TRYING TOFOCUS ON WHAT MY LIFE IS NOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- YOU'S AN ASSHOLE.

THAT'S WHY YOUR BROKE ASS AIN'TFAMOUS NOW, FUCKIN' MIDGET.

- BITCH.WHAT...

RED EAGLE, THIS IS GARY.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKEA LITTLE TIME-OUT.

A LITTLE TIME-OUT FOR GARY.

[yells]

- GETTIN' STRONGER FOR YOU.- WHAT YOU--WHAT YOU--!

- BYAH!

[growling]

- [screaming]

- [screams]

- [shouting]

[shouts]

[screams]

I GOT YOU. COME ON.OH, YEAH, COME ON.

[grunts]

YEAH.

[screams]

- NOT THE FISH TANK!NOT THE FISH TANK.

[gurgling]

- NOW!UH-HUH, YEAH!

[both panting]

- GET OUT.

- GARY COLEMAN?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BEFIGHTING CRIME, NOT CAUSING IT.

- SIR, I AMFIGHTING CRIME, OKAY?

CHECK HER POCKETS.

- OH, I...[stammers]

- I'M CHARGING YOUWITH SHOPLIFTING, MISS.

- YOU DICK!YOU PLANTED THOSE ON ME!

- WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, BITCH?

- YEAH!- BYAH!

- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACKWITH MORE CHAPPELLE'S SHOW

[toilet flushing]

boing!

boing!

- YOU LOOKSTRAIGHT AHEAD, SIR.

DON'T LET THAT SCARE YOU.

THAT IS THE BANEOF OUR EXISTENCE,

THE BLACK PENIS.

AND, REMEMBER, NO MATTERHOW BIG HIS DICK IS,

AT LEAST YOU RUNTHE GOD DAMN WORLD.

[laughs]

YUCK.AH, IT STINKS.

IT STINKS.

DON'T YOU WORRY.MUST'VE DRANK A 40 OUNCE.

[laughs]

I'M A PIXIE.

[laughs]

OH.CAN YOU SEE ME?

- YEAH, I CAN SEE YOU.

- WELL, LISTEN, THIS IS AN "A"AND "B" CONVERSATION,

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST "C"YOUR WAY OUT OF IT.

SAW THAT ON ONE OFYOUR NEGRO SHOWS, MARTIN.

[laughs]

- AND WHY DON'T YOUSEE THESE NUTS?

- [yelling]

THEY'RE IN YOUR PISS.

[screams]

IT BURNS!

MY EYES!MY DICKIES!

[screaming]

YOU MIGHT HAVE WONTHIS TIME, NIGGER.

I DON'T KNOWHOW YOU SAW ME.

I'M GONNA TAKE A LOOKAT YOUR TAX RETURN.

YOU MUST'VE MADEA LOT OF MONEY

IF YOU CAN SEE ME.

WOOGIE BOOGIE!

I SEE YOU MADE IT.- WHAT'S UP, FELLAS?

- OH, MY GOD.THREE BLACK GUYS.

WELL, YOU BETTER HIT 'EMWITH THEIR OWN VERNACULAR.

MAKES THEM FEELMORE COMFORTABLE.

TELL TO GIVE YOU A HUGIF HE'S INTO GETTING RUBBED.

I HEARD THAT ON THE RADIOON THE WAY UP HERE.

GIVE YOU A HUGAND GIVE HIM SOME RUB.

TELL HIM IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.

THEN TELL HIM YOU DON'T GIVEA FUCK THAT IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.

- THERE IS A LOT OF WOMENIN HERE TONIGHT.

- WORD.- ODDS ARE IN OUR FAVOR.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU;I'M GETTING MINE.

- PHIL, THAT'S ALL YOU, MAN.GO GET THAT ASS.

- MY GOD, PHIL,DON'T TOUCH IT!

LOOK AT ALL THAT MEAT.IT'S SUPERFLUOUS.

JINGLING AND JANGLING.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO SOME GOODOLD-FASHIONED PANCAKE BUTT?

NOW, THAT'S WHAT MOM USEDTO MAKE.

NICE AND FLAT.

NO CUP;IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

AND THE LINE STARTSALL THE WAY AT THE BOTTOM.

NOT EVEN LIKE A LINE.

LIKE A TINY INCISION,IF YOU WILL.

- HEY.- HI.

- WANT TO DANCE?- DANCING?

PHIL, IT'S A TRAP.

SHE'S GONNA START DOINGSOME KIND OF SHAKY MOVES.

WHATEVER YOU DO,YOU START DANCING FIRST.

JUST HIT HER WITH THE TWIST.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WORKS EVERY TIME.

FAST SONGS, SLOW SONGS.

[clicks tongue]THIS GODDAMN BEAT.

KEEP TWISTING, PHIL,FOR GOD'S SAKES.

DON'T FREAK HER!

DAMN THIS B.E.T.

YOU LOOKSO COMFORTABLE, PHIL.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SOME GOODOLD-FASHIONED ROCK 'N' ROLL?

♪ THE REFLEX IS A LONELY CHILD

♪ WAITING BY THE PARK

♪ EVERY LITTLE THINGTHE REFLEX DOES ♪

♪ IS AN ANSWERWITH THE QUESTION MARK ♪

[stammers]

AND YOUR HYUNDAI'S ALL SET.

- GREAT.THANKS, MAN.

- CAN WE INTEREST YOUIN ANYTHING ELSE TODAY

FOR YOUR CAR, SIR?

- NO, THANKS, I'M GOOD.

- JUST GOT THESE LEOPARD SKINSEAT COVERS IN.

- BE STRONG.[castanets clacking]

- COME ON, HOMES,IT'S FUCKING LEOPARD, MAN.

LEOPARD!

[castanets clacking]

HOW CAN YOU RESIST?

LEOPARD.

- TELL YOU WHAT,I JUST GOT A HOT ORDER,

AND THEY FELL OFFTHE BACK OF A TRUCK.

THROW ME 80 BUCKS.IT'S A SWEET DEAL.

AND I'LL THROW IN THE JESUSAIR FRESHENER FOR FREE.

- SANTA MARIA!JESUS! DO IT!

[castanets clack]

IT'S LEOPARD!ILLEGAL LEOPARD!

[castanets clacking]

CHARO!

- QUIERES COCAINA?

- SI, ME GUSTA.

- UNA MALA INFLUENCIA! EL DIABLO!

[castanets clacking]

ME VOY DE AQUI!

- HELLO, MR. CHAPPELLE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKEFOR YOUR IN-FLIGHT MEAL?

- WHAT ARE YOU SERVING?

- OH, WE HAVE FISHOR CHICKEN.

- OOH-WEE!

I JUST HEARD THE MAGIC WORD:CHICKEN!

GO ON, ORDER YOU A BIG BUCKET,NIGGA, AND TAKE A BITE!

YOU BLACK MOTHERFUCKER!

[tapping shoes]

- I'LL HAVE THE FISH.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- YOU SON OF A BITCH!YOU DON'T WANT NO FISH!

- OH, I'M SORRY, SIR.

I JUST REALIZED,WE ARE ALL OUT OF THE FISH.

- BACK IN THE GAME, BABY!

- BUT THE CHICKEN'SQUITE GOOD.

- YOU CAN'T BEAT FATE, NIGGA!GET THE CHICKEN!

- HOW IS IT PREPARED?

- OH, IT'S FRIED.

- HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!HALLELU-HALLELU-HALLELUJAH!

YOU BIG-LIPPED BITCH!

- I'LL HAVE THE FRIED CHICKEN.THANK YOU.

- FRIED CHICKEN.I NEED SOME MUSIC FOR THIS.

[upbeat banjo music]

♪ MAKE WAY FOR THE BIRD

♪ MAKE WAY FOR THE BIRD

- HERE YOU GO, SIR.

- OH, CHICKEN'S ON THE DECK.

[boatswain whistles]

- YOU KNOW WHAT?HE CAN HAVE MY FISH.

- GOD DAMN!

[sour chord plays on banjo]

- THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.I APPRECIATE THAT A LOT.

[banjo playing]

- ♪ CATFISH, CATFISH

- IT IS NOT CATFISH,NIGGA.

- ♪ CATFISH

- [mumbling]

- FUNNY THING--DAVE WAS WATCHINGAN EPISODE OF MTV CRIBS.

WE'RE NOT JUST GONNA GO TONEW HAMPSHIRE, TOM HARKIN.

WE ARE GONNA GO TO NEW YORK!

WE'RE GONNA GO TO VERMONT!

WE'RE GONNAGO TO OREGON!

WE'RE GONNA GO TO PITTSBURGHIN PENNSYLVANIA!

WE'RE GOING TO CANCUNFOR SPRING BREAK!

WE'RE GONNA GO TO MONTREAL!

WE'RE GOING TO VANCOUVER!

I'M GOING ALL OVER THE WORLD,

AND THEN I'M COMINGALL THE WAY TO WASHINGTON, D.C.

TO TAKE BACK THE WHITE HOUSE!

BAH!

BAH!

I'M GONNA KICK OPEN THE DOOROF THE OVAL OFFICE,

AND I'M GONNA CHOPTHAT MOTHERFUCKING DESK IN HALF!

BAH!

AND THEN I'M GONNA GRABTHE SECRET SERVICE LIKE THIS

AND PUT HIM IN A HEADLOCKAND SAY, "BAH!"

AND THEN WE'RE GOING STRAIGHTINTO MY BEDROOM,

I'M GONNA GRAB MY WIFELIKE THIS,

AND WE'RE LIKE,"BYAH!"

AND THEN I'M GONNA WASH UP.I'M GONNA WASH UP.

AND I'M GONNA BE LIKE THIS,"BYAH!"

GOOD NIGHT!

thud!

- HE SETS POLICYFOR THIS ADMINISTRATION,

AND I SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT.

- 90 SECONDS.

- WELL, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANTTO REMEMBER

WHEN YOU'RE TALKINGABOUT THIS ISSUE

THAT VICE PRESIDENT CHENEYHAS A LESBIAN DAUGHTER,

AND NOT ONLY ISHIS DAUGHTER A LESBIAN,

BUT HIS MOM'S A LESBIAN,AND HIS SISTER'S A LESBIAN,

AND HIS GREASY GRANNY HAS HOLESIN HER PANTIES!

BYAH!

- WELL, GWEN, LET ME...- BYAH!

- THANK THE SENATOR FOR THE KINDWORDS HE SAID ABOUT MY FAMILY...

- BYAH, BYAH!- AND OUR DAUGHTER.

- YA, BYAH!

BYAH! I LOVE LESBIANS!BYAH!

I WATCHED THE L-WORDON SHOWTIME!

BYAH!

BYAH!

[hip-hop music]

[rapping] I GOT A TAX POLICYTHAT'LL BREAK YOUR NECK

BYAH!GOT YOU ALL A CHECK

GOIN' FROM WASHINGTONDOWN TO VERMONT

DOWN TO...BYAH!

BYAH! BYAH!

- YEAH!

both: BYAH!

- MY BROTHER BOUGHT THIS.- AH!

- ONE MORE TIME!- AH!

- SAY IT AGAIN!- AH!

- WE GOT NEW MONEY.- HALLELUJAH!

- THIS IS A '72.

- SHOW 'EM THE MONKEYS!

- [imitates monkey calls]

- NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS,BUT I'M EMBARRASSED.

- MMM-MMM... P.B. AND J.!

- THIS ISPRETTY HEFTY PUNISHMENT

FOR BREAKINGONE MEASLY CHIMNEY.

HEY, DAVE, IT'S ME, ALF.

GREAT WORK!

- ALL RIGHT,I NEED A MINUTE, GIRL.

GIRL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVETO CHANGE THE STATION, FOR REAL.

OH...[panting]

[smacking lips]

OFF THE RIM!

- HEY, LITTLE FELLA.

- CHARLES BARKLEY?

- YOU NEEDSOME HELP THERE?

- NO, NO, WATCH ME TAKE ITTO THE HOLE.

NOW I'M INTHE THREE- SECOND LANE,

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN SECONDS!

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TURNTHE STATION.

MAN, OOH-WHEE.

SIPPY CUP.

[slurping]

[sighs]

- AT LEAST I CAN BUTTON MY LIP.

YOU NEED A HEAVY-DUTY ZIPPER.

- HELLO, DAVID.

- MARLA GIBBS?

- YES, IT'S ME, DAVE.

AH...

OH...

AH...

BYAH!

- YO, Y'ALL STAYRIGHT WHERE YOU AT.

- HI, CHARLIE.

- LALA! LALA, YOSHI.YOSHI, LALA. MTV.

- HI, YOSHI.

- HELLO.

[gong crashes]

CARR HERRARA.

CARR HER RARA.

HERRO, RARA.

- HELLO.

- HERRO, RARA.HERRO, RARA.

[fly buzzing]

[drumming]

HERRO, RARA.

- HELLO, GORGEOUS.

- NO!

YOU HAVE DISGRACEDMY FAMIRY.

I APOROGIZE!

[squelching]

THAT HURT VERY BAD.

I SEE SOFT PLACE TO DIE.

[screaming]

[both laughing]

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