Kevin Hart Presents - Keith Robinson: Back of the Bus Funny

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 02/21/2015

Keith Robinson describes the long-term dangers of being racist, the pitfalls of aging and the difference between the ways that men and women cheat.

I'm old.

You know I came onstage one time, right?

It was a differenttime and I fell.

Out of nowhere, Ididn't trip, I fell.

You know, anybody can trip.

A baby can trip,teenager can trip,

but it takes a old[bleep] to fall.

Just walking, ah!

I start looking around.

And people like, oh, you OK?

[bleep] you.

Just laugh and get it over with.

(HIGH VOICE) You all right?

Hee, hee.

And I thought was over.

I thought the trip waslike, it's over with.

Just between me and thepeople in the audience.

Na.

Some bitch videotaped it.

I'm not going to mentionno names, Amy Schumer.

That bitch videotaped it.

Sent it to my man, Jim Norton.

And he just put it out there.

500,000 people.

I'm trending.

My fall is [bleep] trending.

And I'm walking around like uh.

People like, Keith Robinson

Hey, Comedy Central.

Nah, you felt onyour ass, didn't you?

That's what technology gets you.

Remember the days you do shit,ain't nobody know nothing.

A lot of you are in your 20s.

I can feel it.

I feel 20s.

How many of you are in your 20s?

Exactly.

I don't like you.

I don't like you.

I don't like you at all.

20, I'm 20.

[giggling]

I want to say, enjoy your 20s.

Don't let my bitter asstake it away from you.

You're going to bein your 20s forever.

Absolutely.

You're going tobe in your-- I was

in my 20s for 40 damn years.

Being in your 20s is likeyou're on bus, like a local bus.

You ever catch a local bus?

You make every annoyingstop on a local bus.

That's what it is in your 20s.

20.

21.

21 and 1/2.

22.

Once you hit your 30s,that's the express.

30, 40, 50, what the hell?

I wanted to get off at 35.

Sorry sir, this is the express.

What the hell is the next stop?

Death.

Oh, shit.

Once you hit your 30s,that's when age come around

like a pimp,collecting shit back.

Age catch you walking.

Just jump out, whereyou're going, huh?

Where you going?

I'm going on a date.

Right now.

Give me your damn hair.

Ah!

Why you gotta take all my hair?

I don't want all yourhair, just the middle shit.

Give me the middle shit.

Keep crying likea bitch, I'm gonna

take your speed andmemory from your ass.

Hurry up.

Run that hair.

Let me tell you when I firststopped liking my son,

Here's when I firststopped liking him.

I go in the house, I'mlike, son, do those dishes.

He like I don't dothat type of work.

I'm sorry, son.

What the [bleep]is your specialty?

You a doctor?

You dress like a dishwasher,do the god damn dishes.

I remember he waslike 13, right?

He gonna call me up outof nowhere, frantic.

Dad, I'm being chased.

A man is chasing me.

That's my only child.

If I had three or fourother children, I'm like,

son, make it thebest way you can,

make it the best way you can.

"Sports Center" is on.

I need to-- Butthat's my only son.

So I get my baseball bat, catchthem two blocks from the house.

He out of breath.

I'm out of breath.

Son, are you good?

Yeah, Dad, I'm good.

I fought him off.

I'm like, that's my boy.

Then out of nowhere,he started crying.

Dad, don't be mad.

I fought him offas hard as I could.

Only thing he was ableto wrestle from me

is my report card.

You mother [bleep], you.

You son of a bitch.

I couldn't even be mad at him.

I'm like, son, I don't evenneed to see your report card.

You are obviouslya genius to come

up with some shit like this.

You are a genius.