Roast of Justin Bieber

  • 03/30/2015

Roast Master Kevin Hart leads the dais in a night of burns directed at the once-wayward pop star.

Justin Bieber, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Seems like only yesterdayyou were discovered on YouTube.

Time flies when you'rea piece of shit.

No, Justin's fansare called "Beliebers,"

because these days,it's considered

politically incorrectto use the term "retards."

Justin,you've been on Ellen

more than a pussy juicemoustache.

Mine was better,Ludacris.

Justin was bornto a teenage single mom.

No wonder he's got moves.

He was in the wombdodging a coat hanger.

[crowd groans]

Justin, Selena Gomezhad to fuck you.

She is literallythe least lucky Selena

in all of entertainmenthistory.

You were on the coverof Men's Health.

He's gettinga lot of slack

for taking his shirt offall the time.

I don't get it.I don't understand that.

Justin, let metell you something, man.

Okay, if you can takeyour shirt off, you do it.

You do it as muchas you Goddamn can.

Seriously.Look at Shaq--Shaq--

Shaq hasn't taken his shirt offsince high school, okay?

That's a true story.That's a true story right there.

Jeff Ross hasn't takenhis shirt off since preschool.

True story.

Martha Stewart had her shirt offin my dressing room.

Stop, stop, stop.Don't get the wrong idea.

She just wanted meto titty fuck her!

Yeah!

I'm sorry.I'm sorry. Stop.

I'm just tryingto loosen y'all up.

I'm sorry.

Martha, I'm sorry.I'm sorry.

Is that gonna affect me gettingfree sheets after this, Martha?

Please.

I messed up my chanceof getting free sheets,

Goddamn it, Kevin.

July 10th, 2013, Bieber peesin a restaurant mop bucket.

As he runs off, he spraysa photograph of Bill Clinton

with a bottle of blue liquid

and yells,"Fuck Bill Clinton!"

There's not a person inthis room who hasn't done that,

you hypocritical assholes.

This kid has spunk,moxie,

and probablya few other STDs, okay?

Listen, people.Listen, listen.

I don't have a lot of time,all right?

I don't have a lot of time.

I'm currently over atstage 24

hosting Spike TV's

"Your Mother's a Fat Bitch"awards show.

Some real clever writing,great energy over there.

Boy, have we got a great gang oftalented comics here tonight.

We've got Tom Dreesen,

Willie Tyler, and Lester.

I didn't realize Lesterwas a live human being.

Gary Mule Deer,

Fannie Flagg,

top notch.

Star-studded evening.

Justin has a lot of tattoos.

You have "patience" tattooedon your neck,

and "this doesn't count"right above his asshole.

No, no, no, but Justin's fuckedmore models than bulimia.

He's the only thing they swallowand don't throw back up.

Justin, you know,I lost my dad on 9/11,

and I always regrettedgrowing up without a dad,

until I met your dad,Justin.

Now I'm glad mine's dead.

And now for the greatesttransition

in the history of comedy,

two people from the movie Soul Plane are here, right?

[cheers and applause]

Kevin, Snoop, Soul Plane wasthe worst experience of my life

involving a plane.

Baby is the most hated videoonline, like, statistically

if you check that shit out,okay,

and there are also ISIS videosonline, okay?

That means that someone sawa video with a guy screaming,

"Death to America" and sawingsomeone's head off and thought,

"Nope, still not worsethan Bieber featuring Luda

in a bowling alley."

Thank you.

Thank you,guy half my age.

[laughs]

Seriously, man,I'm proud of you.

You have it all.

You literally are a guywho has it all,

except for respect,love, friends,

good parents,and a Grammy.

Martha Stewart's herebecause Paula Deen

refused to sitwith this many black folk.

What is this, the Comedy CentralMarch on Ferguson?

Martha, I want to fuck youso bad.

I bet your pubic hairis 50 shades of gray.

Martha went to prisonfor dumping worthless stock

for idiot consumers to buy,which reminds me,

Ludacris' new albumdrops tomorrow.

Now, most niggas,like myself,

we go a little crazywhen we get famous.

Buy some dope cars,fuck some bad bitches,

but, nigga,you bought a monkey.

I mean, that monkeywas more embarrassed

than the one that startedthe AIDS epidemic.

Now, when J-Birdgot arrested,

he had a big smilein his mug shot.

Not because he gangster, becausehe knows what goes on in jail.

Now, Justin,you so motherfucking pretty,

when the inmatessaw your mug shot,

they swiped right.

I'm roasting you

for the entire world tonight.

The roast fans reallywant blood this time,

even thoughmost of your fans

haven't even gottentheir periods yet.

But if you can take a joke,then so can the Beliebers

watching tonight,because face it, Biebs,

you've becomea cocky little shit.

You are the King Joffreyof pop.

[cheers and applause]

What's your rap name,Feminem?

Selena Gomez wanted to be here,but she's dating men now.

Is it true you dumped herbecause she grew a moustache

before you?

That's right, Selena Gomezused to bang this guy,

proving once againthat Mexicans will do

the disgusting jobsAmericans just won't do.

U-S-A! U-S-A!U-S-A! U-S--

Martha,thanks for coming.

I know that's probably somethingyou don't do much of anymore.

Ah, Natasha Leggero,

this is my first timeseeing you perform.

You were really greateven though you didn't shoot out

a single ping pong balllike Snoop promised.

And, Jeff Ross,thanks for being here, man.

Jeff, you look likethe emoji you send

when you want to tell someoneyou have food poisoning.

Oh.

Really, let's get seriousfor a second.

There was really no preparing mefor this life.

I was thrown into thisat 12 years old,

and I didn't really know whatI was getting myself into.

There's been momentsI'm really proud of,

and a lot of momentsI look back

and I'm pretty disappointedin myself for,

but the things that I've donereally don't define who I am.

I'm a kindhearted personwho loves people,

and through it all I lostsome of my best qualities.

For that, I'm sorry.

But what I can say is I'mlooking forward to being someone

that you guys can all look atand be proud of,

someone you can smile atand see some of yourself in.

Someone close to meonce said,

"It's how you risefrom a fall

that truly defines youas a man."

I'm excitedfor that challenge,

and I want to saythank you so much

for taking this journeywith me,

and I'm excited for youto see what's next.

Thank you, God,for your grace

and for nevergiving up on me.

[cheers and applause]

But one more thing.One more thing before I go.

There's someone in my life whoI owe a special apology to.

I'm talking about someonewho I really loved

and lost becauseI screwed it all up,

but thankfullythat special someone,

the love of my life,is here tonight.

I just want that second chance,so if you could come on out.

This is your monkey.

I missed you, buddy.Want to go to the zoo?

I'm just kidding.

Thank you so muchand good night.

As we all know, Kevin isone of the biggest movie stars

in the business right now,and he deserves it.

He struggled for years.

When he finally gothis first big paycheck,

he spent $150,000on a watch.

I forget that term for that.

It's not"African-American rich."

It'll come to me.

[cheers and applause]

Justin,you know the word.

I know you're all wonderingwhy I'm here tonight.

It's because Martha Stewartchanges people's lives

for the better,like Shaq for instance.

When Shaq bought his house--Shaq, are you listening?

I was the first personhe called.

The house had 13 bedrooms,and I helped convert 8 of them

into refrigerators.

I believe the bedroomis the most important room

in the house, but I don'thave to tell you that, Ludacris.

You have three kidswith three different women.

May I suggest pulling outsometime, and finishing

on some fine, highly absorbentMartha Stewart bed linens?

I got a question, Justin.

What kind of bitcheggs his neighbor's house?

You caused $20,000 in damages.

Imagine the damageyou would have caused

if you threw like a boy.

What are you doing dropping75 Gs in a Miami strip club?

I heard the DJplay one of your songs,

and the dancers complainedtheir pussies were drying up.

Justin, as a father of six,

you gotta straighten up, son.

You know, last yearyou were ranked

the fifth most hated personof all time.

Kim Jong-Un didn't evenscore that low.

And he uses your musicto [bleeped] torture people.

And now the man of the hour.

Justin Bieber,you dainty wigger, you.

Justin Bieber.They say that you roast

the ones you love, but I don'tlike you at all, man.

I'm just here 'cause this isa real good opportunity for me.

Justin, oh, you gottagive it up for Justin.

He started from the bottom,and he's still a bottom.

I don't like your music, man.I'm not a big fan of it.

I listened to some of it.I'm not a fan.

I don't like your music.

I think it's bad.I think it's bad, man.

I don't like it.

I hate your music, man.

I hate your music more thanBill Cosby hates my comedy.

So let's get to the kidthat I've known

longer than anybody elseup here, Mr. Justin Bieber.

[cheers and applause]

He may have just turned 21,but Justin will always be

a baby to mesince babies piss everywhere

and never knowwhen to shut the [bleeped] up.

I remember one day,I got this call saying,

"We want you to collaboratewith this little dude

who will do anythingto get famous,"

and I was like,"Great, I love Kevin Hart."

You know?That's my guy.

But this dude turned out to beJustin mother[bleeped] Bieber,

and together we droppeda track called Baby.

[crowd cheering]

It's got over a billion hitson YouTube.

That's because I'm in it.

It also has4 million dislikes.

That's because he's in it.

Let's be honest.Justin, you made a few mistakes.

You're not perfect.He's done some things.

Dude, you got caught peeingon a video in a mop bucket.

Why are these idiotswho work for you

taping you pissing?That's what I don't understand.

Like, when someone'sfilming you taking a piss,

if you don't want themto tape you,

you turn around, you say,"Turn the Goddamn camera off,"

unless it's mandatorylike Snoop pissing

in front of his parole officer.That's different, Snoop.

That guy's got to seeyour dick.

I get it.Don't worry about it.

That's a criminal joke to Snoop'cause he's been to jail.