Chris Distefano

  • Season 3, Ep 1
  • 06/06/2014

Chris Distefano covers everything from his recent breakup to gentrification in New York City to his father's unusual accent.

Over-perceptive about things.

Like, I just needed to let go.

Like, I got into a fightwith a kid.

You know?

I just got intoa fight with a kid

over something meaningless.It was ridiculous.

I'd create these thingsin my head.

I was getting ice cream.

Nine-year-old kid in front of me

orders pistachio ice cream.

I'm like, "That's anadult-flavored ice cream.

"What else you want, espresso?

"You're nine.

"You get chocolate ice cream

"with rainbow sprinks...

"or vanilla ice cream

"with chocolate sprinks.

"You gotta have sprinks.

"You're a kid.

Put some sprinks on it."

If I was the cashier,I wouldn't even give it to him.

I would have said, "Pistachio?

"Let me see your divorce papers.

"Recent colonoscopy?

"What have you been through,kid?

"That's, like,a fun flavor to you?

"It's green, it has nuts in it,you little frickin' psycho.

It's not fun."

And I rememberhe was with his mom.

And he looks upat his mom and he goes,

"Come on, Mom.You know I love pistach."

I said, "Pistach?

I'm gonna killthis (bleep) kid."

But, you know, Dad... my Dad's around. That's good.

My Dad's like, you know,

he's older now, he's a friend,you know?

It's good, it's help...it's helpful.

You know, we're bothfrom New York, you know.

We have these accents.Like, I can't hide it.

(someone applauds)Okay, one lady.

She's got... you got balls,doing that in Boston.

Good for you. Yeah.

Good.(man boos)

No, shut up.

Come on.

Now, you know, we got it,I can't hide it.

You know, there's nothingI could ever do.

We got... it's, like, bad.

We don't pronounce the "R"s,you know?

That's what I've noticed.

It's not "New York."

It's "New Yok."

Skip the "R," always.

But my dad, now...like I said, he's getting older.

He's adding "R"s into wordsthat don't need "R"s.

There's no "R" balancein this guy's life at all.

He never figured it out.

First it was no "R"s, now it'stoo many "R"s. I don't...

Like, he goes to the doctorthe other day.

I was like, "How was it?"

He goes, like, "How was it?

Told me I got full-blowndiabetres."

I said, "Uh, scientrifically,what does that mean?

"You need me to get on Groogle?

"I know Groogle.

"Well, groogle.crom.

"What am I, dumb?

I know groogle.crom?"

And he always has the wrong wordfor what he's talking about.

Like, it's close,

it's close, but it's 100%the wrong word

that means somethingtotally different.

"Yeah, the doc saidthe cartridge in my knee,

"it's no good.

"You know, the cartridge?

In your knee?"

"You mean cartilage?

"What is your knee,a frickin' printer?

"What are you talking about?

Does your knee ink?"

"It's the cartridge,it's in the knee?

"You get it at Staples?It's no good.

"It don't print.The knee don't print.

"Doc said I gotta geton that eucalyptus machine.

Ever do eucalyptus?"

"You mean the elliptical?

"What, are you workingwith koala bears?

"What are you talking about?

Is this Australia?"

"Rotary cuff, too,in the shoulder.

"The rotary cuff, it clicks.

It's in the shoulder."

"What, is your shoulder a phonefrom 1968?

It's 'rotator.'"

You guys just learned that, too,holy shit. Okay.

That's what happened there.

Don't try to pull oneover on me, Boston.

I know you... no.

"It's not rotary?

"I don't get this one.

"No, it makes sense,'cause it's...

"Shut up!

How did he know that?"

You know, I know my dad now.You know?

Like, I, you know,know him well.

I know his games, you know?

You just got to... relax,and let my dad be my dad.

I used to get upset about it.

Not anymore, you know?

Like, he's got this,he's got this thing that he does

where he takes situationsthat aren't gay,

makes them gay,and then involves

some Latino guyI've never heard of.

That's his move.

It's just, like,what this guy does.

Like, is a stiff necka gay thing?

Has that ever been a gay thingin the history of gay things?

It's not a gay thing.

It's a head and neckmuscle spasm.

You get it from sleeping wrongon a pillow.

(laughter)

I have a condition,I get stiff necks.

I come down the stairsthe other day, I was like,

"Dad, I got a stiff neck,you know?

Guess I was sleeping wrongon the pillow."

He's like,"You're sleeping wrong.

"On the pillow.

"Chris, come on.

You out blowing Robertolast night?"

Who's Roberto?

"Latin boyfriend Roberto.

"Kid thinks I don't knowabout Roberto."

Who's Roberto?

He does this to me all the time.

Like, once the Oscars

and the New York Knick gamewere on the same exact time.

Just a coincidence.I don't make the TV schedules.

He's like,"What do you want to do tonight?

"You want to watch the Oscars

"or you want to watchthe Knick game?

"You want to watch the Oscars?

You go do that shit with Julio."

Who the hell is Julio?

"Latin boyfriend Julio.

Kid thinks I don't know."

I thought it was Roberto?

"So, it is Roberto!"

But he is supportive.(stammers)

My dad's a very supportive man.

Which, you know, I gotto give him credit for that.

You know? Like, anythingI wanted to do, he'd be...

Like, if I was like, "Dad,I want to quit comedy tomorrow.

I want to be a ballerina."

He'd be like, "Whoa!

"That's gay. But you know what?

"Know a guy that'll get youa good tutu.

I know a guy down in Brooklynwho does tutus.

"He's a good kid.Get you pink, something nice.

"I'm there for you.

(bleep) do your spins."

Get to travel a little bit.It's good.

I'm like, you know, I'm from,like, don't be fooled

by my whiteness, do not befooled by my Lance Bass,

'N Sync face, okay?

Yes, I'm from the streets, baby.

From this Bushwick Brooklynif you guys know what that is.

Some people may know, okay.

You don't, I know.

Some people may know.

It's an all-blackand Spanish neighborhood.

I've been living theresince 1984, 29 years,

OWG-- Original White Gangsta!

Yes!

Representing the streets, mi gente.

I know mad words in Spanish.

Uh, "mi gente," "my people."

"Papas fritas," "french fries."

"Goya" is "Goya."

"Banco popular," "popular bank."

I know things.

But lately,what's been happening,

all over, you know, New York,and probably here,

you know, all overis gentrification.

That's what's been happeningeverywhere-- gentrification.

What's that?It's crazy-ass white people

from I-Don't-Know-Wheresvillemoving into my neighborhood

messing up my street credit.

I was the original white dude.

I was the only one.

And now I got these weirdohipsters coming in.

(effeminate voice):"Yoga classes, fruit shakes,racial harmony.

We're gonna make a difference."

You're gonna get shot.

Dude, you're ridinga unicycle down the street.

Someone's gonna shoot youin the face.

You're doing yogaoff a streetlamp.

I will kick you in the pussy.What are you...?

I-I was never, like,a comedian that would really

even talk about relationshipsthat much.

But then, you know,you go through a heartbreak,

and you start to thinkabout, like, oh,

relationshipsI was in that was weird,

were weird, you know?

Like, this is serious.

I dated this girl oncethree years,

one blow job.

Yeah.

I like some of the married guysare like,

"Three years, one blow job'spretty good, kid.

"What are you,like, a porn star?

"This kid's on fire!

"Is he, is all,is he gonna be cocky

"like this the whole night?I mean, this kid,

"accomplishment after accomplishment with this.

"Well, I haven't gottenone since '86, so...

thank you."

Three years, one blow job.

The problem ismy mother loved her.

My mother's a very Catholic,religious woman like I said.

She loved her. So I was like,

"Mom, look, I'm breaking upwith Lauren."

My mother was like, "Honey, no.

"Jesus will find a way.I promise you.

"I love that womanwith all my heart and soul.

"Promise Mommy whatever you do,you will not break up with her

"You have to stay with her.Jesus will find a way.

"Trust in me, trust in God.

"Jesus told me to tell youshe's the one.

"He's my boyfriend,she's the one.

You stay with her,she's perfect."

I just cracked one day.

I was like,"Mom, I know you like her.

"I'm dating her for three years,

she's given me one blow job."

That's what I said to my mother.

And she was like, "Christopher!

Get rid of her."

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