New York City's Todd Barry offers deadpan insights into money-saving travel tips, what it's like to be a lazy germaphobe and how to make a million dollars in comedy.
And after the session, I go,"What do I owe you?"
He goes,"Oh, that'll be $400."
And I just did that thingyou do
when you wander intothe wrong furniture store.
You're like,"How much is that couch?"
"That's, uh, $27,000."
"Oh. Does that come in red?
"Yeah, I'm asking a fakefollow-up question...
"to give the illusionI'm not mortified
"by what you just told me...
and that I'm stillin this conversation."
But that's a good gig, doc--400 bucks an hour
for being sort of niceto sad people.
Went to get a flu shot.Went into the nurse's room,
and she goes,"Can I get your last name?"
I go, "It's Barry."
She goes, "Barry Manilow?"
And I gave hera little fake laugh, you know,
'cause she hasn't torn up theopen-mic circuit like I have.
There's a little pause,and she goes,
"What is your last name?"I go, "It really is Barry.
"Believe it or not,I wasn't setting you up...
"for the worst jokeI've ever heard in my life.
"Even if I had a contest
"where I only compare that joketo jokes
"that other nurseshave told me...
I did jury duty recently,and we were deliberating.
and it was 11 to 1, guilty.
One asshole was holding outfor not guilty.
And if this guy didn'tchange his vote,
we were all gonna be sequesteredat a hotel by the airport
until we were unanimous.
And I have to say, for a whileit was fun being that asshole.
I was like, "You guys don'twant to stay at a hotel?
"How good is your apartment
"that you don't want to stayat a hotel?
"You realize this isa free hotel.
"Not all gigs comewith a hotel.
"This is $40 a day, plus hotel.This is huge.
"It's not gonna get betterthan this.
"Maybe it'll be a Marriott.I'm in their rewards program.
"I get crazy points.
Not into it? All right,he's guilty, let's go."
I live here in New York.I love New York.
I love giving touristsdirections.
That's oneof my favorite things to do.
I'll sometimes offer directionswhen people don't even ask me.
I saw these two womenwho were clearly lost,
and I walk up to 'em--"You needhelp finding something?"
She looks up, she goes, "Oh, no,we prefer to find it ourselves."
Isn't that a weird preference?
"Yeah, my friend and I havealways been passionate
"about you not helping us.
"We were talking about thaton the flight over, how--
"how it'd be such a shameif we got lost
"in your neighborhoodand then ran into you.
"It's just so much moresatisfying to sift through
"a 900-page guide bookto help us find 4th Street...
When we're standingon 4th Street."
I'm glad there'sa 4th Street in New York.
That's why that joke killedso hard.
I tell that joke in cities wherethey don't have a 4th Street,
they just don't knowwhat to do with it.
"What? What? He lost me.What's going on?
"What does he mean,'4th Street?'
Why didn't he sayCoriander Way?"
"Why didn't he sayPersnickety Boulevard?
Why didn't he sayPeriwinkle Ave?"
Give me a word, lady.
Periwinkle? You want meto repeat what I already--
Do you think that--Do you think--
Do you think that's whyI went into the audience,
so you would--
We'd get that moment on tapewhere...
"I thought about it, and Iturned to the guy I was with.
I don't want to upstage youwith my great choice."
Did a showin Missoula, Montana.
Ordered a drink at the placeI was working at--
ordered a gimlet...classic drink.
Guy said he didn't know howto make it.
Bartender next to him goes,"Oh, I can make that.
I used to workat a gay video club."
I was like,"I don't even know
"what a gay video club is,
"but I'm pretty sureyou don't have to work in one
to know how to makea gimlet."
10,000-year-old drinkwith two ingredients in it.
It's like, "What's he want?Gin and tonic?
"Oh, I can handle that.
I used to work at a bisexualshuffleboard court."
"What'd he ask for?Rum and Coke?
"I'll handle that one,Freddie.
"For many years I refereed
"a transgenderScrabble tournament.
"You keep me postedon any more nutty drink orders
"that come in.
"With my life experiences,
"I can be your go-to guy for anytwo-ingredient beverage.
"What'd he ask for?Vodka soda?
"Let me deal with that.
"After high school,I had a job supervising
an S&M lawn crew."
Did a show in North Dakota.
Did a radio interviewto promote it.
Guy said he wanted to give awaysome tickets to my show.
I was like, "Go ahead."
He's like, "All right,first five callers
"each get a pair of ticketsto see Todd Barry.
First five callers each geta pair of tickets."
And we sat there.[laughter]
And we sat there some more.
And at some point I go,"Hey, no one's calling."
He's like, "Ah,it's always this way."
It's always this way?
Then why do you do itthis way?
I'm thinkingthis is not a good way.
Why don't you start out givingaway one pair of tickets?
See if someone scoopsthose babies up
within four to six hours.
Then you can be like,"Oh, my God,
"you're not gonna believe this--
"Todd Barry justslipped me a note.
"Oh, my God,this is unbelievable.
"He's authorizinga second pair of tickets.
"This is simplyunprecedented
"in the long historyof North Dakota
"comedy ticket giveaways.
"He's even throwing inbackstage passes.
"Go visit Todd in hisdressing room/storage closet...
"that he shareswith five cases
of off-brandhoney-mustard sauce."
I DID A SHOW IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
A GUY CAME UP TO ME AFTERTHE SHOW
AND WAS LIKE "HEY MAN,I GOTTA ASK YOU THIS QUESTION."
SO, I COULD ALREADY TELLBY HIS TONE
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAROR ANSWER THIS QUESTION.
HE'S LIKE "I GOTTA ASKYOU THIS QUESTION..."
I WAS LIKE "WHAT ISYOUR QUESTION?"
HE WAS LIKE "CAN YOU BECOMEA MILLIONAIRE
DOING COMEDY? GOTTAASK YOU THAT."
IT'S LIKE WHY WOULD HE HAVE TO ASK ME THAT?
IT'S AS IF HE'S LIKE"HEY MAN, BEFORE I GO
WRITING A BUNCH OFGREAT JOKES
GETTING A BIG HOLLYWOODAGENT TO BOOK ME ON A WORLD TOUR
I GOTTA KNOW THATTHE PAYOFF IS GOING TO BE
AT LEAST 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
I'D BE LIKE "I DUNNO MAN,
FIRST YEAR IN THE BUSINESSMAYBE $700,000
BUT I COULD TELL BYTHE QUESTION
THAT YOU'RE IN IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
SO GO CHASE YOURDREAM
OF INSTANT WEALTH
SOMEHOW THROUGHSTAND-UP COMEDY.
DID SOME SHOWS IN SWEDEN
THEY SPEAK REALLY GREATENGLISH IN SWEDEN
I WAS TALKING TO A WOMANATER MY SHOW
SHE GOES: "I DON'T THINKI SPEAK ENGLISH VERY WELL."
I GO: "YEAH, YOU DO ACTUALLY."
JUST THEN A GUY CAME OVERTO GET HIS PICTURE TAKEN WITH ME
SITS ON MY LAP,SNAPS A PICTURE
AND RUNS OFF.
SHE'S LIKE "OH THAT MANIS BOUNDARYLESS"
I WAS LIKE WOW I COULDTAKE SWEDISH FOR 50 YEARS
I WOULDN'T HAVE COME UP WITHTHE EQUIVALENT OF BOUNDARYLESS
MY FRIENDS BACK IN THE STATESWOULDN'T HAVE COME UP WITH THAT
THEY'D BE LIKE "WHAT ADOUCEBAG, MAN
THE GUY PLOPS HIS DUMBASSDOWN, DOESN'T EVEN ASK
WHAT A DOUCEBAG."
I BELIEVE THE WORD YOU'RESEARCHING FOR IS BOUNDARYLESS
PERHAPS IF ENGLISH WASYOUR SECOND LANGUAGE
YOU'D HAVE THAT WORD ATYOUR GRASP.
I went to J.Crewto buy a shirt.
I was looking at a reallyplain gray shirt.
Salesman standingnext to me
actually had a hard sellfor a plain gray shirt.
He's like, "You know,that's a really good shirt
to have around, likeif a friend calls you up,
wants to go get a beer."
Oh, my God, that is exactlywhy I'm looking for a shirt.
never known what to wearin that situation.
All these years,I've been just wearing
whatever shirt I had on...
getting thrown out of onedive bar after the other.
Been trying to makesome upgrades in my life.
Got some new deodorant.
Got some Tom's of MaineLemongrass.
$7.00 a stick.
Used it for a few days,I was like,
"Hmm, what is suddenlywrong with my life?
"Oh, I know--I smell horrible.
"But how could that be?
"I'm using deodorantthat smells like lemongrass.
"Let me use ita couple more days.
Yes, it's true.I smell terrible."
So I actually went on Googleon a whim and put in,
"Tom's of Maine.
Expecting to find nothing.
Because you shouldn'tfind anything.
What I find--an entire message board
of peoplereviewing deodorants.
Lots of actionin the Tom's of Maine thread.
People using phrases like,"Smells like shit."
"Makes me smell like shit."
"This is, without question,
a shitty deodorant."
You know, kind ofso-so reviews.
And it got me thinking--I alwaysgo on Google after every show,
put in my own name...for quality control.
You'd think Tom's of Mainewould do the same thing.
Maybe have an internlooking it up periodically.
"Hey, Tom, get over here.
"Tom, don't killthe messenger on this, but--
"Tom, step out of the barn.I wanna show you something.
"Tom, you can eat those
"gluten-free biscuitslater, okay?
"Tom, turn the volume downon All Things Considered
"Yeah, it's about yourlemongrass deodorant, yeah.
"People using phrases like,'I smell like I walked
"through a shit tornado.'
"I assume that's notwhat you're going for.
"I'm just saying you mightwant to go back in the lab
"and rework it, that's all.
"What, are you too busy workingon a toothpaste
that makes your teeth brown?"
I do travel and
I'm always looking formoney-saving travel tips.
I was talking to a friend ofmine who travels all the time.
He goes, "I have a greattravel tip for you.
"A great way to getfree internet access
when you're stayingat a hotel."
I was like,"Let's hear it."
He goes, "You sign upfor the internet,
"then you call downto the front desk.
"Tell them it's broken.They'll take it off your bill.
Then just keep using it."
"Okay, so your hot travel tipis stealing.
"You didn't think I couldcome up with that?
"You wouldn't happen to havea hot tip
on how to get free blueberriesat the supermarket, would you?"
"Well, it's funnyyou should ask.
Do you own a backpack?"
"Wow, I'm starting to getthe hang of this.
"Look, there's a little old ladywalking alone with a purse.
"I just thoughtof a smokin' hot tip
"on how to get a complimentarylittle old lady's purse.
"You and I should meet monthlyand exchange
"great ideas like these.
"Together, we'll save millionsevery year.
I've never been to prison.
I decided where I want to goto prison though, if I ever go.
I was watching that show Locked Up Abroad,
where they go to prisonsall over the world.
They went to a prisonin Belgium--I learned something.
If you escape from prisonin Belgium and they catch you,
they bring you back,
but they don't give youadditional jail time.
That is so wonderfullyrelaxed.
They're like, "We totally getwhy you did that.
"This place is terrible.Yuck.
"Oh, don't worry aboutthe ten guys
"who were looking for youin the woods for three months.
"I talked to them,and they said--
"and I'm quoting--'their pleasure.'
"They said it wastheir pleasure.
Here, my wifemade you muffins."
I got a text messagefrom my cell phone company
telling me it's time to upgradethe software on my Blackberry.
So I call 'em up, "Yeah,I want to upgrade the software
on my Blackberry."She goes, "Oh, it's easy.
You just hook it upto your computer."
I said, "That's cool.I have a Mac."
She goes,"Oh, you need a PC."
I said, "I have a Mac."She goes, "You need a PC."
I said, "Hold on a sec.I wanna check something.
Yeah, I still have a Mac."
She goes, "You have a friendwho has a PC?"
"Oh, I bet I do.
"But that's a weird thingto say to me.
"That can't behow they trained you.
"'Now, Janet,if a Mac user calls,
"'just ask himif he has a buddy
"'who has a PC.
"'Tell him to goto his friend's house,
then hang up on him.'"
I go, "I don't wantto bug a friend.
Is there any other placeI can do this?"
She goes, "Oh...you can goto the public library."
"Seriously, you'd let me goto the public library?
"The same library that'sopen to the public?
"You'll allow meto go in there?
"None of the other phonecompanies would let me do that.
"Verizon wouldn't let mego get ice cream.
"How's that work?I go to the public library,
"pull out my Blackberryand a big cable
"while 20 people look on...
"Wondering why a guywith a Blackberry
"doesn't own a computer.
Is that whatyou're talking about?"
Saw a great product advertised.It was a hearing aid
made to look likea Bluetooth headset.
It's for peoplewho are embarrassed
about wearing a hearing aid...
But not about wearinga Bluetooth headset.
[laughter and applause]
It's like, "Hey, Frank,I thought you were deaf.
"It turns outyou're just a jackass.
"Can you take that off?We're at dinner.
"Oh, you're expecting a call?That's weird,
"because you're79 years old.
"W-why do you have onein the other ear?
"I have to thinkyour cell provider
"has some sort ofcall waiting option.
"I suggestyou check it out.
That's what I suggest."
I saw an ad for, uh,Viagra
It said, "Go on our websitefor tips
on how to talk to your doctorabout getting a prescription."
What, you're afraid you're gonnalet him down or something?
"Hey, Doc, rememberwhen I told you
I was a sexualsuperhero?"
"Of course I do, Brian.
"It'd be weirdif I forgot that.
"I was treating you fora sinus infection at the time,
"and you--you just blurted it out.
"One of my mostdisturbing experiences
"in my 30 yearsas a doctor,
including 29as a trauma surgeon."
They have a listof conversation starters
on this website--ways to break the ice
with your doctorto ask for some Viagra.
I thought of a greatice-breaking question.
"Hey, Doctor,are you still a doctor?
"You are?So prescriptions...
"Still on board with that?
"Cool. Get your pen out.
"I would like1,000 of them.
"I'm going awayfor Labor Day weekend,
"and I'm feelingreally confident.
[bleep] milked that joke, huh?
My palms are all sweatyfrom milking that joke.
Meh, I didn't even realizethat made sense
till after I said it.
A magical momentwe all had together.
This guy's slapping his knee.He's doing everything right.
Front row, slap--
You've heard of "knee slapper"before, right?
It's a real phenomenon.
I don't care whatthey said on MythBusters,
it really happens.
People need to slaptheir knees
to get the full effect of...
The thing I already forgotI said.
A lot of pedophilesin the news, huh?
I'm America's number onetopical comic.
I saw a pedophile on the newswho actually
posted images of himselfon the internet,
but he swirled his face.
Then some forensics peoplelooked at this,
said, "Oh, man,this guy swirled his face.
"I'm not sure what we doin this situation.
Oh, wait, let'sunswirl his face."
"Perhaps we should lookfor that guy."
You know the pedophile iswatching himself on the news.
"Oh, man, dude fromthe Apple store lied to me.
"I asked himvery specifically
"about the effectivenessof the swirly-face app.
"He assured me thatit was bulletproof.
Now I have to catch a flightto Thailand."
Those guys always goto Thailand.
I feel bad for Thailand.
And I feel bad for guyswho legitimately want
to travel to Thailand...like myself.
I'd love to go to Thailand.
I love Thai food.
I can't go to Thailand.
I tell my friend,"Hey, I'm going on vacation."
"Where you going?""I'm going to Thailand."
"Oh, are you?"
"Who you going with?""I'm going by myself."
"Oh. Dude in his 40sgoing to Thailand by himself.
Hmm. Well, my friend,I'm calling the FBI."
"Why? You didn't do that whenI went Colonial Williamsburg.
"I don't recall any FBIinvolvement whatsoever.
Just let me go."
You follow me on Twitter, sir?
"Of course."That's the way you talk to me.
Could have said yes,could have said no.
He said, "Of course,"
as if there were no choice.
And there isn'ta choice.
People think being on Twitteris stupid.
I actually accomplishedsomething with it recently.
I did.I was at Kansas City Airport
looking for a place to eat,couldn't find one.
Kept walking,couldn't find one.
Finally foundthis terrible place to eat.
So I went on Twitterand wrote,
"New sloganfor Kansas City Airport--
'Walk a mile and enjoyone of our two food options.'"
A few hours later,I get a response
from the official Kansas CityAirport Twitter account.
And it was kind of sad.
They were like,"Due to our design,
we actually do havelimited food choices."
"But here's a link to a mapof all of our restaurants."
Some guy writes backto them,
"That link doesn't workon cell phones."
They write back,"Thank you.
We just fixed that."
So if you're everat the Kansas City Airport
looking for a place to eat,can't find one...
Have the weird impulseto get your cell phone out
to see if there's a mapof all of their restaurants
that you could link to--
If you're able to accessthat map...you're welcome.
Should have saved that jokefor the end.
[bleep] killed too hard, man.
This show's gonna bea little top-heavy.
You don't do Facebook.Hey.
Normally I'd make funof you for that,
but you've been so nice.
"I don't do Facebook.
I'm sophisticated.I do Twitter."
I just destroyed you.
I like readingpeople's Facebook profiles.
Find out the latestannoying expressions
that younger folks are using,like "loves me some."
It's like, favorite music--"I loves me some Lady Gaga."
Favorite food--"I loves mesome poppy seed bagels."
"I'm an 18-year-oldcommunity college student,
but I talk like a 90-year-oldChicago blues guitarist."
"I loves me some Honey Bunchesof [bleep] Oats.
I saw a couple of datingservices advertised for busyexecutives
and they all had namesgeared towards busy people.
One was called"It's Just Lunch."
They set you upon little lunch dates,
which you can doeven if you're busy.
The other was called"It's Only Drinks."
Same thing with drink dates.
Which you can doeven if you're busy.
I realizedthere's a market for this,
so I started a coupleof dating services
for busy comedians.
One is called"It's Merely a Hand Job."
The other's called"Don't Get Yourself in a Tizzy.
"No Matter What Happens, You'llBe in a Taxi by 4:00 a.m."
Yes, I realize the wordingon that one's a bit clunky.
Went to college,University of Florida. Yeah.
While I was down there,
I was talking to a guyin a fraternity.
He was trying to get meto join a fraternity.
I was like,"I don't think it's for me."
He was like,"What are you gonna do
if you come back here in 20years and need a place to stay?"
Pulling out the big guns, huh?
You're right, what am I gonna doif I come back here
in 20 years?
Not nearly enough timeto save up for a hotel room.
I'm not sure whichSuze Orman DVD I'd have to watch
to help me come upwith a plan
to put away $2,maybe $3 a year...
So I can afford some lodgingfor this mysterious trip
back to where I wentto college, 20 years later.
You know that tripthat everyone takes.
Honey, let's not goto the Bahamas.
Let's go toGainesville, Florida.
You'll love it, rightin the middle of the state.
No beach anywherenear it.
Oh, it gets better.Guess where we're staying.
A 35-bedroomfraternity house.
We're gonna share it with 20018-year-old alcoholics.
Maybe if we're luckyand the stars are out,
we'll hear 'em pouringTabasco sauce down a guy's ass.
No promises on that.
after my shows.
It's usually a good thing,but sometimes it isn't.
There's this one argumentI've had with,
like, 20 differentdrunk guys throughout the years,
'cause they confuse me withanother comedian they've seen.
And it's always someone who'sa little bit shaky, you know.
Guy'll stagger up to me.
[slurring] "Hey, man,that was a good show."
"Yeah, I saw you years ago."
"Yeah, you did this joke aboutfarting on a harmonica."
"Yeah, uh,I don't think that was me."
"Nah, I remember, you did a jokeabout farting on a harmonica."
"I'm gonna go aheadand promise you that wasn't me."
It goes back and fortha few more times.
The guy walks away angry.
Ten minutes later,I remember that I did
do a joke about that once.
I have to go find the guy.
"Dude, how'd that one go?
Didn't realize that onehad legs."
Before I go--You guys have been nice.
I've been doing a lotof reflecting lately
on the happiest momentsof my life.
I thought of oneof the big ones.
You ever make planswith someone
you do not wantto hang out with,
and then they cancel?
[laughter and applause]
That's about as joyousas life gets.
Walking around all day,kicking yourself
'cause you made planswith some jerk-off.
Then they call you up,"Oh, buddy,
"sorry I'm gonnahave to bail on you.
Hope you can findsomething else to do."
"Well, I don't know if I'm gonnahave a lot of options left
"by the time I'm donedancing in the streets.
"And I'll probably bepretty wiped out
after doing 1,000 consecutivecartwheels."
I love eating out.
It's one of my favoritethings to do.
Some people are hardto eat with.
Some people annoythe wait staff
with annoyinglittle requests,
like water with lemon.
Waitress comes by,"Here's some water for you."
"Oh, not so fast.
"I know you thinkyou just did the easiest thing
"you're gonna dothe entire night,
"but, please, allow meto complicate it.
"I really needsome lemon with my water.
"You know, the wayI drink it at home.
"Always slicing upa lemon
"with each and everyglass of water.
"I must go through50 cutting boards a month
"from all that relentlesslemon slicing.
"And they love mearound the office,
"'cause I'm always the guywho goes in the break room,
refills that lemon bucket."
Then there are the othertypes of people,
the people who pretendthey feel bad
about asking a waitressfor anything, you know?
Waitress comes back."Can I get you something else?"
"Maybe another napkin?
"I feel terrible.
"You know, I'll just sit herewith ketchup all over my face.
"Oh, that's blue cheeseon my eyelashes.
Things got out of controlwith your wings."
Sometimes, if I enjoy my meal,I'll tell the waitress.
When she brings the check,I'm like,
"Thanks.That was great."
Like she's gonna go sprintinginto the kitchen.
"Drop your trays, everyone.
"Chef, you might wanna putthat spatula down.
"Remember the guy at table 84?Uh-huh, Caesar salad.
"Dressing and croutonson the side.
"Two separate little plates.
"Exactly seven inches apart.
That's why we gotin this business, huh? Boom!"
a nice crowd, though.
SometimesI play to bad crowds.
Sometimes I'll do a showwhere there'll be
an actual incidentin the crowd.
And people always thinkit was set up.
Someone'll come up to meafter the show.
"Hey, Todd, that thingwith the dude.
That was--that was set up,right?"
Yeah, it was.Before I got to the club,
I called ahead, I said,"Hey...I need you to find me
"a guy who canthrow up on cue.
"Seat him near my shoes,all right?
"'Cause I've got a zingerlocked and loaded.
"Also, if we can get a 30-womanbachelorette party
"to walk ina half hour late...
"Wearing chocolatedick helmets.
"Have them talk throughoutmy entire show.
"Give them repeated warningsto be quiet,
"but don't throw them outtill the last second.
"And hereis the important part.
"Make sure they confront meat the bar after the show.
"No, I don't want to leaveout a back exit.
"I want to walk right throughthe angry mob.
"Make sure they'reyelling things at me.
Things like,'We didn't do nothin'!'"
True story, I told that jokein, uh, Glasgow, Scotland,
and the audiencewasn't loving me
the way you guysare loving me.
And right afterI said that part
about a guythrowing up on cue,
boom, right up front.
Then they're like, "Oh, my God,he's a magic man.
"I hope he doesn't do a jokeabout the audience
"suddenly dyingin their chairs.
"His jokes come to life.
But when I first started out,everything about it excited me.
I used to call up comedy clubsafter they were closed
just to hear my nameon the outgoing message
of upcoming events.
They were like, "Thank youfor calling the Comedy Corner.
"We have some greatupcoming shows for you.
"August 1st and 2nd,we have Chris Rock.
"Special event.No free passes.
"August 8th and 9th,we have Jerry Seinfeld.
"Another special event.No free passes.
"August 15th and 16th,we have Todd Barry.
"Friday is gum wrapper night.
"Bring a gum wrapper...or a piece of paper
"roughly the sizeof a gum wrapper.
"You and your entire partyget in free.
"What?Still not interested?
"First round of drinkson us.
"What? Still not even remotelyan appealing offer?
"All you can drinkthe entire night.
"Helicopter ride home.
"We will reimburse youfor the babysitter.
"People, we madea booking error.
"We're gonna lose a lotof money on this one.
"My wife hasn't slept with mesince I booked Todd Barry.
"She told menot to book him.
"I said it would be fine.
"She said, 'No, you're gonnalose your ass on this one.'
"I told her she was wrong.
Please show up."Beep.
Oh, my God.
I forgot that wasan answering machine myself.
I've been lookingfor a new apartment.
I had a realtor send mea link of a place to look at.
I clicked on the link--
there were four picturesof the apartment.
Three of the exteriorof the building...
and a picture of the stove.
It's like, you know, I'm gonnafollow my gut on this one.
I don't think there was a guystanding there with a camera
looking at an awesomeliving room going, "No.
"Let's not playall our cards.
"Ooh, nice paper towel rack.
Tantalizing unmade bed...with a bag of Fritos on top."
I saw an apartment advertised.One of the features listed was
"white tile bathroom."
White tile bathroom.
It's like,"Honey, get over here.
"Remember when I saidif you married me
"there'd be no morecarpeted bathrooms?
"Well, after what seems likea life-long search,
"I have finally found a placewith a--
"I hope you're sitting down--
a tile bathroom."
I can't even imaginewhat that must be like.
I wonder if it's like everybathroom I've ever been in
in my entire life,
including the oneat the bus station.
And it's not just tile,it is white tile.
It's as if the builderswent into Home Depot
and bought the first tilethey saw...
and hit the roadten seconds later.
I'm a germaphobe.
I'm also very lazy.
That's a rough combination,a lazy germaphobe.
Because if the cleaning job'seasy, like washing my hands,
I do that compulsively, like,500 times a day.
But if it's more difficult,like mopping my floor...
I've never done that.
I always rationalize that.
Hey, I've only been walkingaround this same floor
for ten years.
How dirty can it be?
It's not a cleaning emergencylike that time
I accidentally touched my pinkyagainst my belt buckle.
I had to walk outof a wedding...
where I was the best man.
It's paralyzing beinga germaphobe.
Lots of places arereally paralyzing to me.
Laundromats have thesebaskets on wheels.
Some guy will come in witha big bag of disgusting laundry,
put it in the basket,move it into the washer.
And I'm supposed to take myclean laundry out of the dryer,
put it in that exactsame basket?
It's like I don't mind somethinghaving a dual purpose,
but it can't be, like,"Hey, what's that big
green box over there?"
"Oh, that's a dumpster,
and we also use thatto store soup."
I think that might bean either-or situation.
and after I hailed it,this woman hailed it.
And the guy picked me up,and I got in the cab,
he goes, "I picked you upbecause you were first."
Yeah, you're supposedto do that.
He goes, "A lot of guyswould have picked her up,
but I'm driving.I don't need a woman."
"Well, I appreciate not onlythat you picked me up,
"but more importantly,you passed up
"a guaranteed opportunityto get laid.
"I mean, that's whyher hand was out, right?
She probably had sex toysin that briefcase of hers, huh?"
We have great restaurantsin New York.
We have a Forrest Gumptheme restaurant.
Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
I actually went thereas a goof.
In the middle of my lunch,the waiter comes by, goes,
"So you ready to answer some Forrest Gump trivia questions?"
And I wanted to give himsome attitude,
but you can't belike, "Hey, man...
"I didn't come to a Forrest Gump theme restaurant...
"27 years afterthe movie came out...
"Because I wanted to be involvedin something that was stupid.
"Where you going, buddy?What are the prizes?
"Let's do this.
"I'm not leaving herewithout that Jenny mug
"I saw in the gift shop.
Let's [bleep] do this."
People are really preciousabout Italian food.
I know a lot of peoplewho won't eat Italian food
at a restaurant--they alwayssay the same thing.
"I'm not gonna spend $10for $1's worth of pasta.
Plus, no one makes Italian foodlike my grandmother."
Well, you do spenda little extra
for Italian foodat a restaurant,
but for that extra $9,
you get a heaping side order
of not hanging outwith your grandmother.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum,yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
"Here's $1 millionfor a plate of pasta.
Keep that woman awayfrom this restaurant."
Although itshouldn't be a problem
'cause it's after2:00 in the afternoon.
I'm not reallya practical joker.
But I like thinkingof practical jokes.
I thought of a good one.Uh, you have to have
a girlfriendor a boyfriend to do this.
Send an emailto all your friends saying,
"Hey, uh, meet usat this church in Madrid.
Something bigis gonna happen."
Then your friends cometo this church in Madrid.
The lights come down,and...
Just show the movie Norbit.
And leave beforethe lights come on, and...
Friends are like, "Did--did we just spend $7,000...
To see a movie we've seeneight times already?"