CC Presents: Jeff Dye

  • 01/11/2010

I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY MOM

IS MY DAD WORKS ALL DAY,

AND ME AND MY SISTERS --WE ALL GREW UP AND MOVED AWAY.

SO MY MOM'S WHOLE LIFEJUST CONSISTS OF THE EIGHT CATS

THAT LIVE IN HER HOUSE,YOU KNOW, AND THE CAMERA.

THAT'S HER WHOLE DAY.

SHE JUST FOLLOWS THE CATSAND TAKES PHOTOS.

SO NATURALLY,ALL OF HER STORIES STINK.

WE LOVE HER TO DEATH,BUT THEY'RE JUST BAD STORIES.

AND WE STILL LOVE HER,

SO WE'LL ASK HER, LIKE,"HEY, WHAT'S NEW, MOM?"

AND SHE'S LIKE,"OH [LAUGHS] THIS IS FUNNY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THE OTHER DAY,TOBY JUMPED UP ON THE COUNTER.

I WAS LIKE,'TOBY, YOU KNOW BETTER.'"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"AND THEN ALL THE OTHER HOUSECATS WERE LOOKING UP AT TOBY,

LIKE, 'HE KNOWS BETTER.'"

"AND I WAS COOKING DINNER.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHERTO SQUIRT HIM OR BOP HIM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE CAN TELL THAT I THINK

THAT'S THE WORST STORYI'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

I'M JUST LOOKING AT HER LIKE,

"THIS IS THE WORST STORYI'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE."

AND SO SHE STARTS TO WRAP IT UP,

LIKE, "WELL, ANYWAYS,LONG STORY SHORT...

I FIGURED, 'WHY NOT TAKE ONEOR 1,000 PHOTOS OF THAT?"

AND ALL THE PHOTOSARE JUST AS BORING, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S LIKE 100 PHOTOSOF THE CAT SLEEPING, LIKE,

ONE WITH HIS EYE OPEN,YOU KNOW, HUNDRED MORE.

AND SHE'S LIKE,"OH, IN THIS ONE,

IT LOOKED LIKE TOBYWAS WATCHING TV."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I PUT THE REMOTE BY HIM."

[ LAUGHS ]

IS DOING THIS MACHINE.

THIS LITTLE BENDY-OVER THING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE BAD THINGABOUT THIS MACHINE --

I DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOWWHAT IT DOES.

BUT I KNOW THAT IT'S NEVER IN AGOOD PLACE AT THE GYM, YOU KNOW?

YOUR EYES ARE IN A REALVULNERABLE SPOT, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE BENT OVER.

AND THEY NEVER HAVE ITAGAINST, LIKE,

A WALL OR, LIKE, A MIRROR,YOU KNOW?

THEY ALWAYS HAVETHE BENDY-DOWN EYEBALL MACHINE

STRATEGICALLY LINED UP...

WITH THIS MACHINE.

YOU SEEN THIS?

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MACHINEDOES, EITHER.

I JUST KNOW YOU SHOULDHAVE TO DO IT AT HOME.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

'CAUSE THIS MAKESEVERYONE UNCOMFORTABLE.

MAKING A LOT OF YOUUNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT, SIR, HMM?

DON'T LOOK AWAY, SIR.

YOU LIKEY?

IT'S A WEIRD MACHINE.

ONE TIME, MY MOM'S FRIENDWAS ON THIS MACHINE,

AND SHE WANTED TO TALK TO MEWHILE SHE WAS DOING IT.

BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT MACHINEEVEN WHEN NO ONE'S IN IT.

SHE'S SHOUTING AT ME LIKE,"COME HERE.

"I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUTNOTHING AT ALL."

[ LAUGHS ]

"COME HERE.I WANT TO CREEP YOU OUT FOR 15."

I'M LIKE, "NO, THANK YOU.

"MAYBE LATER WHEN YOU'RE DONEWITH THE CROTCH FLEX.

"I'M GONNA BE OVER HERE WHENYOU FINISH UP 'CROTCHERCIZING.'

I'M GONNA BEIN THE FREE WEIGHTS."

THAT'S THE WEIRD THINGABOUT THAT MACHINE

IS I'VE NEVERSEEN A GUY ON IT EVER.

HUH, WOULDN'T YOU LOVETO CATCH YOUR BUDDY DOING THAT?

LIKE, WHATEVER MUSCLE THIS IS,IT IS WEAK ON EVERY MAN IN HERE.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

I THINK IT'S 'CAUSEGUYS KNOW BETTER.

THEY DON'T WANT TO GETIN SOME CONTRAPTION

WHERE THEY'RE DOING -- YOU KNOW.

GET CAUGHT BY YOUR FRIEND, LIKE,"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BRIAN?"

HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

I TOOK SOME 'E'AND THIS THING IS AMAZING!"

[ MOANS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, THANK YOU.

THEY LIKE TO DO STEROIDS,WHICH IS REALLY STRANGE.

THEY'LL JUST INJECT THEMSELVESWITH STEROIDS TO GET ALL BIG.

BUT I DON'T KNOWA LOT ABOUT DRUGS,

BUT I THINK IF I'M GONNA DOAN ILLEGAL DRUG AT THE GYM,

NOT GONNA BE STEROIDS.

IT'S GONNA BE ECSTASY,I THINK, IF I HAD TO CHOOSE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT WORKOUT?

JUST RUBBING THE WEIGHTSON YOUR BODY, LIKE, "MMM.

"OHHH, DOCTOR.

"MMM. MMM. MMM.

"I LOVE THIS GYM!

"MMM. MMM.

"YES. MMM.BEEN HERE FOR SIX HOURS!

"YES!

[ Singsong voice ]"AND I'M NOT LEAVING!

"NO.

[ High-pitched ] "OH.

[ Normal voice ]"TIME TO HIT THE FREE WEIGHTS.

"ONE [MOANS]"

FREAK ALL THE JOCKS OUT,

LIKE, "WHY IS THAT SKINNY KIDLICKING THE LEG MACHINE?"

I'M LIKE [high-pitched] "OOH!"

I LIKE LOOKING AT THE GIRLS ATMY GYM, BUT THEY GET REALLY MAD.

YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,"I CAME TO WORK OUT,

NOT BE CHECKED OUT,"YOU KNOW?

"PUT AWAY YOUR CAMERA."I'M LIKE, "WHATEVER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK A LOT OF THOSE GIRLSWANT TO BE LOOKED AT, THOUGH.

THEY SAY THEY DON'T.THEY DO.

THEY'RE LIKE,"I DON'T WANT BE LOOKED AT."

YET WHEN THEY GET READY FOR THEGYM, THEY PUT ON FULL MAKEUP...

THEY GOT THEIR HAIR DOWN,THEY GOT BRACELETS ON,

THEY GOT A SPORTS BRA --

WHICH IS UNDERWEAR,NOT OUTERWEAR, SURE OF IT.

HUH?

THEY'LL PUT ON SPANDEX SHORTSTHAT SAY "JUICY" ON THE BUTT.

AND THEN THEY'RE CONFUSEDTHAT GUYS ARE LOOKING AT THEM,

LIKE, "WHY IS EVERYONESTARING AT ME?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY FAVORITE RIDE WHEN I WASA LITTLE KID WAS SPLASH MOUNTAIN

AND I REALLY ENJOYED IT BECAUSE,WHAT IT IS, IT'S, LIKE,

A LOG THAT GOES OVERA WATERFALL, RIGHT?

AND I REMEMBER REALLY LIKING ITWHEN I WAS LITTLE,

BUT WHAT I DON'T REMEMBERWHEN I WAS LITTLE

IS YOU GET IN THIS BIG LOG,AND YOU'RE SITTING THERE,

AND THEN WHAT DISNEYLAND DOESIS THEY TAKE ANY OLD STRANGER...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...OLD GUY,REALLY WHOEVER'S NEXT IN LINE,

AND THEY JUST SLIDE THEMRIGHT IN YOUR LAP.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, WHICH IS WEIRD.

AND I'M NOT GOODWITH SMALL TALK.

SO I'M JUST KIND OF, LIKE,

LAUGHING LIKE AN IDIOT,LIKE [LAUGHS]

"ALL RIGHT. THIS IS WARM.

"AH. OKEYDOKEY.

"UH, ARE YOU ENJOYINGCRITTER COUNTRY?

"OH, YOUR TAG'S OUT.[ LAUGHS ]

"WOW.

"REALLY WISH I'D HAVE CAMEWITH AN EVEN NUMBER OF FRIENDS.

THAT'S WHAT I WISH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THAT WAS THE WEIRD THING.

DISNEYLAND DIDN'T PUTAN OLD GUY IN MY LAP

OR, LIKE, A MOM OR ANYTHING.

GUESS WHAT DISNEYLAND DID.

THEY TOOK A LITTLE KID...

AND PUT HIM RIGHT ON MY CROTCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYSKNOW THIS ABOUT ME.

I DON'T HAVE ANY LITTLE KIDS.

THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE'SLITTLE --

I DON'T EVEN LIKEROLLER COASTERS.

I SPENT THE WHOLE RIDEWITH MY HANDS UP,

JUST 'CAUSE I KNEWTHERE WAS GONNA BE

A PICTURE AT THE BOTTOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S THE LAST THING I NEED.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S THE LAST THING I NEED,

SOME PARENT POPPING OUT,LIKE, "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"

"MNH-MNH. ALL RIGHT?

"NO, I'M NOT GOING TO JAILFOR THIS, OKAY?

"THAT'S ENTRAPMENT.YOUR KID'S NOT EVEN HOT.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS NOT A THING."

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.THANK YOU SO MUCH.

ANOTHER THING IS, EVERYONE'S REALLY

OBSESSED WITH THEIRBODIES, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, ALL THE GIRLS, IF THEYCAN'T GET THE BODY THEY WANT,

THEY JUST BUY THE BODYTHEY WANT, YOU KNOW?

THE GIRLS AT MY GYM HAVEFAKE BOOBS, FAKE LIPS, JUST...

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR ALL THE GUYS AT MY GYM,THEY JUST WORK OUT SO MUCH

THEY GOT MUSCLES JUST COMINGOUT OF EVERYWHERE, JUST [ROARS]

JUST VEINS [ROARS]

YOU JUST WANT TO GO UP TOTHE BIG MUSCULAR GUYS AT THE GYM

AND BE LIKE, "HEY.YOU'RE DONE HERE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU DID IT.

"YOU CAN LEAVE.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEPHANGING OUT, YOU KNOW?

"WE'LL HAVE THE FRONT DESKMAKE A CERTIFICATE OF COMPLETION

"OR SOMETHING.

THAT IS IT."

PLUS, THE BIG GUYSALWAYS MAKE A LOT OF NOISES

WHEN THEY LIFT WEIGHTS,YOU KNOW?

IT'S SO HEAVYTHAT THEY GOT TO MAKE NOISE,

AND THEY'LL BE, LIKE,LIFTING WEIGHTS.

THEY'RE LIKE "[STRAINING]"

WHICH MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

SO WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS MAKE THEM UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU KNOW?

WHAT I DOIS I TAKE THE 5-POUND WEIGHTS,

WHICH IS WHAT I'M WORKING WITH.

AND WHEN I'M CURLING THEM,I'LL JUST STARE AT THE GUYS,

AND I'LL GO "[SCREAMS]"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MESSING WITH THEM.

[ LAUGHS ]

THEY'RE ALWAYS LOOKING AT MELIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT WE WEREALL MAKING NOISE."

THAT ACTUALLY HELPS ANY TIMEYOU DON'T WANT TO LIFT ANYTHING,

YOU KNOW?

IF YOUR BUDDY ASKS YOUTO HELP HIM MOVE OR SOMETHING.

"HEY, CAN YOU GRABTHE OTHER END OF THAT COUCH?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, YEAH."

[ SCREAMS ]

"NEVER MIND. IT'S FINE.

I GOT PLENTY OF FRIENDS."

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T WORK OUT A LOT.

I GO TO THE GYM A LOT.I JUST DON'T WORK OUT.

THAT'S WHY I STILL LOOKSO SCRAWNY, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE WHEN I'M AT THE GYM,

I JUST KIND OF LOOK AT MYSELFIN THE MIRROR AND JUDGE PEOPLE.

THAT'S REALLY ALL.

MY FAVORITE THING TO DOAT THE GYM

IS I'LL FIND THE GUYON THE TREADMILL,

AND I'LL GET ON THE ONERIGHT NEXT TO HIM,

AND I'LL RACE HIM.

DO YOU EVER DO THAT?

THAT'S THE BEST.

NO MATTER WHAT SPEED HE'S GOING,I DOUBLE IT.

YOU KNOW, HE GOES TO 10,I GO TO 20.

HE GOES TO 13, I GO TO,YOU KNOW, DOUBLE THAT, YOU KNOW.

AND I TAUNT HIM, TOO.I'M LIKE, "YOU ARE WEAK."

AND HE'S LIKE,"YOU'RE ON ROLLER SKATES."

I'M LIKE, "SHUT UP."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M NOT EVEN SWEATING.

[ LAUGHS ]

AND IT IS REALLY WEIRD.

A LOT OF DOUBLE STANDARDSIN LOS ANGELES.

LIKE IF A GIRL GOES OUT,SLEEPS WITH A BUNCH OF DUDES,

SHE'S CONSIDERED A "SLUT,"YOU KNOW?

BUT THEN IF A GUYDOES IT,

HE'S CONSIDEREDA "HOMOSEXUAL."

WHICH IS...

THAT'S MESSED UP.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ANOTHER THINGI DON'T LIKE ABOUT LOS ANGELES

IS THERE'S A LOT OF RICH GUYS,

AND THEY LIKE TO PUSH THEIRRICH-GUY STUFF ON YOU, YOU KNOW?

SO THEY'LL ALWAYS BE LIKE,

"HEY, JEFF, YOU SHOULD GETAN ED HARDY SHIRT."

[ MOANS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HEY, JEFF,YOU SHOULD DRIVE A BMW."

[ MOANS ]

THEY DON'T ACTUALLY DO THAT.

THAT'S JUST WHAT I SEEWHEN THEY TALK.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,THEY'RE SLIMY CHARACTERS.

BUT THAT'S MY WHOLE THING.

LIKE, I THINK IT'S NICETO HAVE CRAPPY STUFF.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE IF RUIN THIS SHIRT TONIGHT,I'M OUT 5 BUCKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OR, LIKE,IF SOMEONE AFTER THE SHOW --

LIKE, HAVING A CRAPPY CAR,YOU KNOW?

THAT'S A GOOD THING.

IF SOMEONE AFTER THE SHOW'SLIKE, "YOU STINK!"

AND JUST, LIKE, KICKS MY CAR,I'LL BE LIKE, "HEY...

I'LL KICK IT, TOO.ALL RIGHT?

LET'S BE FRIENDS."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]IT'S NICE.

I DON'T KNOW A LOTABOUT POLITICS.

I TREAT THE REPUBLICANSAND THE DEMOCRATS

LIKE THE BLOODS AND THE CRIPS.

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T REALLY --I'M NOT IN THIS THING."

I THINK ONE THING WE CAN ADMIT,

NO MATTER WHAT SIDE OF THE FENCEYOU FALL ON,

REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT,

THAT THE MEDIA GOTA LITTLE CARRIED AWAY THIS YEAR.

SOME OF THE STUFFTHEY WROTE WAS BANANAS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,IN THE L.A. TIMES, IT SAID,

"THIS IS THE BIGGEST PRESIDENCYFOR AFRICAN AMERICANS EVER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK THAT LINCOLN ONEWAS PRETTY BIG.

THAT WAS A HUGE ONE, I THINK.THAT WAS -- WOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

TALK ABOUT CHANGE.

EMANCIPATION --THAT'S CHANGE, I THINK.

I THINK EVEN DEAD LINCOLNWINS THAT DEBATE, YOU KNOW?

"I SEE YOUR HEALTHCARE,AND I RAISE YOU FREEDOM."

HOW'S THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE THINGTHAT WAS REALLY WEIRD THIS YEAR

IS THEY KEPT ENCOURAGINGEVERYBODY TO VOTE.

YOU KNOW,IF YOU WERE OLD ENOUGH,

YOU FELT THE PRESSURETO GO OUT AND VOTE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN IT WAS G. DUB,THEY'RE LIKE,

"DO IT IF YOU WANT," LIKE,"WE DON'T CARE," YOU KNOW?

AND THIS YEAR,IT WAS LIKE, "EVERYBODY, VOTE!

"YOUNG PEOPLE, GET OUT AND VOTE!

"OLD PEOPLE, VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!

"YOUNG PEOPLE,DRIVE THE OLD PEOPLE!

VOTE!VOTE TWICE!"

YOU'RE LIKE, "CAN YOU DO THAT?"

YOU KNOW, THAT'S BAD ADVICE,YOU KNOW?

I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

TRUST ME --YOU DON'T WANT EVERYONE VOTING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

RIGHT?

DUMB PEOPLE SHOULDN'T VOTE.

YOU GET EVERYBODY.WELL, THAT'S THE THING.

I KNOW I DON'T READ.

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T WANT MEAND MY DUMB FRIENDS SHOWING UP,

LIKE, "HEY,THIS GUY'S GOT A FUNNY NAME.

"I HOPE HE WINS.[ LAUGHS ]

"HEY, JEFF,I WROTE IN FLAVA FLAV."

[ LAUGHS ]LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

IT'S LIKE, "YOU PROBABLYCOULD HAVE STAYED HOME, ANDREW.

I DON'T THINK FLAV'SGONNA WIN THIS HERE."

I DO MY JOBTO BOOST THE ECONOMY.

I TOOK MY GIRLFRIENDTO DISNEYLAND RECENTLY,

WHICH WAS REALLY NICE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO DISNEYLANDSINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID,

AND NOTHING'S CHANGED.

ALL RIGHT, THEY HAVEN'T UPDATEDTHE PARK SINCE THE '50s.

AND THERE'S ONE PART OF THE PARK

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO SUGGESTWHAT THE FUTURE'S LIKE...

CALLED "TOMORROWLAND."

BUT THEY HAVEN'T UPDATEDANYTHING FOR LIKE SEVEN DECADES,

SO IT'S ALMOST LIKETOMORROWLAND'S LIKE,

"IN THE FUTURE,THERE WILL BE SUBMARINES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IN THE FUTURE,THERE WILL BE RACECARS."

YOU'RE LIKE,"THIS IS SOME PRETTY OLD CRAP

YOU'RE PLUGGING, DISNEYLAND."

"HEY, WANT TO SEEA 3-D MOVIE WITH RICK MORANIS?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "IS HE STILL ALIVE?WHAT IS THIS?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WANT TO GOTO THE REAL TOMORROWLAND,

WHERE IT'S JUST HOT.

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHY IS IT LIKE 200 DEGREES?"

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, THERE'SNO OZONE IN TOMORROWLAND.

YOU CAN LITTER HERE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I STARTED THINKING ABOUT IT,THOUGH.

I DON'T WANTTHE WHOLE DISNEYLAND, YOU KNOW,

BEING UPDATED TOO MUCH.

LIKE, I DON'T WANT GO TO, LIKE,

"SOMALI PIRATESOF THE CARIBBEAN" OR ANYTHING.

WHEN YOU GET IN THE RIDE,IT LOOKS LIKE AN AKON VIDEO.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT IS THIS?ARE THESE PIRATES?"

[ LAUGHS ]THAT'S A TRICKY JOKE.

'CAUSE OLD PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"WHO'S AKON?" YOU KNOW?

AND YOUNG PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"WHAT'S A SOMALI PIRATE?

WE DON'T WATCH THE NEWS."

I TRIED TO MIX THOSESO NO ONE GETS IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I LOVE MY PARENTS TO DEATH.

I KNOW I'M BAD WITH MONEY,

THOUGH, 'CAUSE MY PARENTSWERE BAD WITH MONEY.

LIKE, THEY NEVER WERE DIRT POOR,THEY WERE JUST IRRESPONSIBLE.

YOU KNOW, THEY'D GETA LITTLE BIT OF MONEY,

AND THEY'D BE LIKE,"WATERBEDS FOR EVERYONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE THING ABOUT MY PARENTS, TOO,

BEING OLD, IS THEY LIKE TO USEOLD-PERSON SAYINGS, YOU KNOW?

I'D BE 10 YEARS OLD, THEY'D BELIKE, "HEY, CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR."

YOU KNOW, OR LIKE,"STAY OUT OF MY BOOZE, QUEER."

YOU KNOW, STUFF LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE ALWAYS THOUGHTTHAT MY DAD WAS A LITTLE CRAZY,

'CAUSE ME AND MY SISTERS,WE USED TO COMPETE.

WHEN WE WERE IN TUNNELS,WE WOULD HOLD OUR BREATH.

YOU KNOW, WE'D BE LIKE[INHALES DEEPLY] YOU KNOW?

AND THEN MY DAD WOULD, LIKE,SLOW THE CAR DOWN, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE LIKE...

THAT'S ACTUALLY HOWONE OF MY SISTERS DIED.

I GUESS SHE WINS, YOU KNOW?

SHE DIED A WINNER,AND THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

MY DAD'S A GOOD GUY.

HE TAUGHT METO NEVER GIVE UP, THOUGH,

'CAUSE HE'S COMPLETELY BALD,

BUT HE'S GOT A BIG BUSHY BEARD,YOU KNOW?

SO IT'S LIKEHALF HIS HEAD GAVE UP,

BUT THE OTHER HALF'S LIKE,"MNH-MNH,"

YOU KNOW, WHICH IS NICE.

A GOOD GUY.[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY DAD --HE'S OBSESSED WITH BASKETBALL,

AND HE THINKSI SHOULD BE GOOD AT BASKETBALL

JUST 'CAUSE I'M TALL.

I'M 6'4" --UH, 6'9" WITH HEELS -- AND...

BUT BASKETBALL'S MORETHAN JUST BEING TALL, YOU KNOW?

BUT I KNOW HE LIKES IT,

SO I'LL ASK HIM TO PLAYWHEN I COME HOME AND STUFF,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING MOREHUMILIATING THAN LOSING TO,

LIKE, A HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD MANAT BASKETBALL.

WE'LL PLAY.

HE'S GOT, LIKE,THIS HOOK SHOT I CAN'T BLOCK,

AND SOMETIMES HE SHOOTSLIKE THIS, LIKE, FOR NO REASON.

HE PLAYS WITH A KNIFE.I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, DAD.

I THINK THIS IS --YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING."

THE BAD THING ABOUT PLAYINGOLD PEOPLE AT SPORTS

IS THEY LIKE TO WEARTHE STUFF THEY WORE

WHEN THEY PLAYED THE SPORT.

PLAY MY DAD AT BASKETBALL,ALL OF A SUDDEN,

HE COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

HE'S GOT, LIKE, KNEEPADSAND, LIKE, SHORT SHORTS.

HE'S LIKE, "'D' UP, BOY."

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,PLEASE PUT ON PANTS.

"THIS IS WEIRD.

I'M NOT A HOOSIER."

MY MOM'S A SWEETHEART, TOO.

SHE'S A GOOD LADY,

BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USEANYTHING ELECTRONIC, YOU KNOW?

ANYTHINGTHAT REQUIRES TECHNOLOGY,

SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE,EXCEPT THE E-MAIL FORWARD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUTMOMS AND THE E-MAIL FORWARD,

BUT THEY GET IT IMMEDIATELY.

MY MOM CAN'T EVEN USETHE DISHWASHER,

YET EVERY MORNING,

I HAVE LIKE 75 NEW E-MAILSALL FROM MY MOM.

LIKE, "OH, GREAT,

"WHAT CAT DRESSED UPLIKE A HUMAN TODAY, MOM?

LET'S SEE WHAT COULDN'T WAITTILL NEVER."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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