Blah Blah Blah Main Street

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 11/23/2010

Gay Robot heads to Roswell in search of alien love, and a couple's role-playing gets far too real.

100 YEARS OLD.

( big band music playing )

FOLKS, AS YOU ALL KNOW,

THIS IS THE OLDEST TIME CAPSULEIN THE COUNTRY,

BURIED HERE IN 1909BY OUR GREAT-GRANDFATHERS

WHO FOUNDEDOUR BELOVED TOWN.

NOT ONLY IS THISAN INSIGHT

INTO THE HISTORYOF OUR COUNTRY,

BUT ALSO INTO THE VERY FABRICOF WHO WE ARE AS A PEOPLE.

( grunts )

LOOK!

A JART WAS IN HERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS,

BUT IT MUST HAVE DISAPPEAREDOR WITHERED AWAY.

- ( sniffs )- OH! DEAR LORD.

THAT SMELLS AWFUL.

CHRIST ALMIGHTY.

OH OH OH.THIS IS COOL.

THIS MUST HAVE BEEN USEDIN THE, UH--

IN THE COAL MINES.

THEY WOULD SOMEHOWHAVE IT STAY ON THEIR HEAD

AND THEN WITH THEIR FOREHEADSCHIP AWAY AT THE ROCK.

( chuckling )

AH... SOME LITERATURE.

"ME AND MRS. GANDY PREPAREDFOR THE CAPSULE."

HEY, THAT'S MYGREAT-GRANDMOTHER.

( man laughs )

YES.

"AS WE LOOKEDAT THE CHEST BEFORE US,

I GAZED AT HER CHESTBEFORE ME.

AND AS WE LAID THE CHESTINTO THE SOIL,

I WILL SOON MAKE MY SOILON HER CHEST."

AH, HE SPREAD THE SOILOF OUR LAND ON HIS LADY,

MAKING EARTHAND WOMEN ONE.

I DON'T-- I DON'T THINKTHAT'S WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY.

YES, WELL...

"MY LADY AND I THENHAND IN HAND

SPREAD THE DOWNSTAIRS MISTFROM THE DEVIL'S CAVE

INTO THE GLASS RECEPTACLE,

THE EVIL WIND LEAVINGOUR TIGHT BALLOON KNOTS

AND INTO THE FUTURE."

( sniffles )

SUCH PROFOUND WORDSFROM OUR YOUNG LOVERS.

I HAVE AN IDEAFOR TONIGHT.

- WHOA.- LET'S DO ROLE PLAYING.

WOW, YEAH SURE,WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I WANT YOU TOTAKE ADVANTAGE OF MEAND BE REALLY FORCEFUL.

I'LL RESIST AND YOUJUST DOMINATE ME.

UH, OKAY.YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

OKAY, COME OUTOF THE BATHROOM.

OH, YEAH.YOU GOT IT, BABY.

I WANT YOU NOW.

NO, PLEASE DON'T.

- DO AS I SAY.- I SAID NO, MOTHER--!

WAIT, WHY AREYOU STOPPING?

OH, YOU'RE OKAY?

I WAS GETTING INTO IT.COME ON.

OKAY, YEAH YEAH.NO, THAT WAS GOOD.

JESUS, MERYL STREEPOVER HERE.

- OKAY.- ( clears throat )

- DON'T PUSH ME AWAY.- YOU BAD MAN.

HELP!SOMEBODY HELP ME!

PLEASE GOD HELP!

DAMN IT, NICK,WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?

THAT'S JUST REALLY REAL.

IT JUST FEELS,LIKE, TOO REAL.

LIKE I-- THE NEIGHBORSARE GONNA...

I DID THEATERIN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW THAT.I JUST GET INTO IT.

SERIOUSLY,YOU'RE BEING A PUSSYAND IT'S BUMMING ME OUT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT,LET'S START AGAIN.

OKAY, I'M SORRY.COME ON, BABE.

- ( sighs )- IT'S GOOD. NO, YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU'RE BEING GREAT,BABE, SO SEXY.

ALL RIGHT,QUIET, SKANK.

- NO PLEASE. HELP HELP.- SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

YOU PERVERTSON OF A BITCH!

THAT'S RIGHT, KISS ME.COME ON, BABY.

- AHH!- OW!

( groans )

WHAT IN THE --?

HELP!I'M BEING ATTACKED!

- WHAT?- HELP!

THIS IS-- ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

( crying )HELP.

GIVE ME THE PHONEAND SHUT UP.

- GET ON THE BED.- AHH!

NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT,YOU FILTHY HOOKER.

- COME ON.- ( car doors open, close )

- YOU'LL DO AS I SAY.- ( footsteps running )

- YEAH.- HEY HEY! FREEZE, MOTHER--!

- THANK YOU, OFFICERS.- WHAT? YOU REALLY CALLED THE COPS?

- THIS BIG BAD MAN WAS TRYING TO GET ME.- Nick: WHAT?

JULIA, THIS ISN'T A JOKE.NO. NO, DON'T DO THAT.

NO, IT'S NOT SEXYANYMORE, BABE.

HEY, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.LET'S GO.

JULIA, TELL THEMWE'RE ROLE PLAYING.

WHAT? ARE YOUSTILL INTO THIS?

JULIA! JULIA!

- ( doorbell rings )- I'LL GET THAT.

- HI.- HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

MY NAME'S RICK JONES.

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,BUT I USED TO LIVE

IN THIS HOUSE20 YEARS AGO.

AND I'M ONLY IN TOWNFOR ONE DAY.

I WAS WONDERINGIF I COULD JUSTHAVE A LOOK AROUND.

YOU KNOW,WE'RE JUST GETTINGREADY TO HAVE DINNER.

WHO IS IT?

IT'S A GUY WHO SAYSHE USED TO LIVE HERE.

YEAH, IF IT'S NO BOTHER,CAN I JUST TAKE A LOOK

AT THE OLD PLACEREAL QUICK?

- PLEASE COME IN.- OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THIS REALLY MEANSA LOT TO ME.

OH WOW.

YOU GUYS KEPT IT UPPERFECTLY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, THERE'STHE OLD KITCHEN.

A LOT OF MEALSIN THERE, YOU KNOW?

AND, WOW...THE LIVING ROOM.

SO MANY MEMORIES.

( sighs )

- WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?- OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE.

- GREAT. CAN I USE IT? THANKS.- YEAH.

( zipper unzips )

- OH YEAH! - ( farting )

- YEP! - ( plopping )

OH!

- ( coughing, gagging ) - ( squirting )

- UGH! - ( toilet flushes )

OH.

I GUESS YOU WANT TO SEETHE REST OF THE HOUSE?

NO, THAT WAS JUSTA COURTESY FLUSH.

I NEED SOMEREADING MATERIAL.

( sighs )

NO NO, YEP.

- PERFECT.- HEY, THAT'S OUR WEDDING ALBUM.

- YEAH, THANKS.- NO, OH GOD.

- ( zipper unzips )- WHO IS THIS GUY?

I DON'T KNOW.YOU'RE THE ONEWHO LET HIM IN.

YOU ACTED LIKEYOU KNEW HIM.

- ( farting, plopping ) - OH!

ARE YOU OKAYIN THERE, SIR?

SURE, I JUST-- I LOVE CHILI DOGS,

BUT THEY DON'T LOVE ME, YOU KNOW?

Man: I was drivin' in my truck late at night

through Roswell,New Mexico,

when I was abductedby the aliens.

They led me into their spaceship

and they tied meto a table.

And then they startedprobing my orifices,

focusing mainlyon my rectum.

At first I was flattered--

...mainly on my rectum.

...mainly on my rectum.

...mainly on my rectum.

( jet engines roaring )

Woman over P.A.: Now boarding all rows for flight 815 to Phoenix.

Woman #2: THANK YOU. HAVE A GOOD FLIGHT.

HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

I'M LOOKINGFOR A ONE-WAY TICKET

TO ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO.NON-STOP, PLEASE.

- I NEED TO ARRIVE THERE BY NIGHTFALL.- OKAY.

- ( keyboard clicking )- LET'S SEE HERE.

- I CAN GET YOU THROUGH TO ALBUQUERQUE.- SPICY.

ALSO I'LL NEED A MAPTO THE PROBING AREAS.

I'M SORRY.PROBLEM AREAS?

UH NO.PROBING, MA'AM.

YOU KNOW,LIKE DOWNSTAIRS ENTRANCE?

I HEARD THAT'S BEENHAPPENING THERE A LOT.

I JUST WANNA,YOU KNOW, GET MINE.

- HOLLER.- WELL, WE DON'T HAVE THEM KIND OF MAPS.

AND YOU KNOW,I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I THINK ALL THISALIEN TALK IS FALSE

AND PERPETUATEDBY HILLBILLY CRACKPOTS.

REALLY?HOW ARROGANT OF YOU

TO THINK THATWE ARE THE ONLY FORMS

OF INTELLIGENT LIFE.

I HAVE HOPE IN MY HEARTTHAT WE ARE NOT ALONEIN THIS UNIVERSE

AND THAT THESEBRILLIANT FORMS OF LIFEARE TRYING TO CONTACT US,

HELP US AND PROBE USFOR INFORMATION.

YOU KNOW,THERE IS A GAY BARTHAT DOES EXIST

AND IT'S CALLED THE SALTY SOMBRERO.

AND IT'S RIGHTON THE BORDER OF MEXICO.

I'M SURE YOU'LL FINDSOME ILLEGAL ALIENS THERE.

OKAY, SCREW SPACE.GET ME A CAB.

I WANNA DIP MY MICROCHIPIN SOME FORBIDDEN SALSA.

I'VE BEENTO MEXICO BEFORE