Extended - Thursday, June 11, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 06/11/2015

Kyle Kinane, Chris Gethard and John Hodgman predict Netflix revivals, list #GameOfThronesFood and develop ideas for space-themed porn in this uncensored, extended episode.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)HUH? THAT'S FUN.

WELL, AFTER BREATHING NEW LIFEINTO SUCH NOSTALGIC CLASSICS AS

"ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT" AND "FULLHOUSE," ONLINE GOD FIGURE

NETFLIX ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THATIT WILL LAY ITS HEALING HANDS ON

THE LONG-RUNNING CANADIAN TWEENDRAMA "DEGRASSI" WITH ALL...

(HARDWICK GASPS)I HEARD AN AUDIBLE FEMALE GASP

FROM THE AUDIENCE.

(LAUGHTER)>> THEY'RE THRILLED.

>> HARDWICK: ALL NEW EPISODES OF"DEGRASSI" WILL BE STARTING NEXT

YEAR.

IN RESPONSE, CANUCKS EVERYWHEREHAVE SHOT THEIR TUKES WITH GLEE.

I MEAN THE EMOTION, NOT THESHOW.

UH, AND JUST IN CASE YOU'REUNFAMILIAR WITH "DEGRASSI,"

HERE'S A COMPLETELYOUT-OF-CONTEXT CLIP.

>> LAST SUMMER, REMEMBER?

WHEN WE DECIDED TO USE THEKING-SIZE CONDOM?

THE ONE THAT SLIPPED OFF?

I'M PREGNANT.

JIMMY!

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)UH...

HMM.

"SO... YOU STILL PREGNANT?"(LAUGHTER)

"SORRY ABOUT YOUR OOTERUS."

(LAUGHTER)NETFLIX IS CALLING IT "DEGRASSI

NEXT CLASS," SIMILAR TO THEIRUPCOMING "FULL HOUSE" REBOOT,

"FULLER HOUSE."

SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT OTHERTELEVISION CORPSES WILL NETFLIX

REANIMATE WITH UPDATED TITLES?

OH, PRO KYLE KINANE.

>> UH, "DOOGIE HOWSER, O.D."

>> HARDWICK: SURE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)'CAUSE HE COULD PRESCRIBE

HIMSELF MEDICATION, SO...

>> ANYBODY WITH THAT MUCHPRESSURE AS A CHILD...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OF COURSETHEY WOULD.

>> YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T GO WELL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

CHRIS GETHARD.

>> I LOVE LUCY, BUT I'M NOT INLOVE WITH LUCY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)JOHN.

>> A SEQUEL TO "KNIGHT RIDER,""KNIGHT UBER."

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

THIS TIME, THE CAR IS EVIL.

>> HARDWICK: UH.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

AMERICAN TREASURE WILLIAMSHATNER, A WONDERFUL MAN, BEST

KNOWN TO AUDIENCES AS THE HORNYSPACE CAPTAIN FROM "BOSTON

LEGAL" HAS...

(LAUGHTER)...ANNOUNCED A NEW BUSINESS

VENTURE TO HELP HIM REALIZE ADREAM.

A SHAT STARTER, AS IT WERE.

WHAT IS THIS SHAT VENTURE?

A: AN ACTUAL MATTER TRANSPORTER,B: A V-8 STEAMPUNK TRICYCLE,

C: A BIOPIC ABOUT HIMSELFSTARRING HIMSELF AS YOUNG

HIMSELF?

(BELL DINGS)HODGMAN.

>> I HAVE TO SAY V-8 STEAMPUNKTRICYCLE.

>> HARDWICK: UH, YES, AS AMATTER OF FACT, THAT'S IT!

THAT IS RAD!

(APPLAUSE)>> I HAVE TO SAY... IT WAS

RIGGED.

I KNOW. SHATNER AND I ARE BOTHGOING TO BURNING MAN, AND I KNEW

HE WAS GONNA BE DRIVING...

>> HARDWICK: OH, YOU KNEW IT WASGONNA BE HIM, YEAH, YEAH, YOU

KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE HIM.

THIS IS CALLED THE RIBBIT,AND ON JUNE 23, THE ARTIST

FORMERLY KNOWN AS TJ HOOKER WILLLEAVE FOR LOS ANGELES BY WAY OF

CHICAGO TO RAISE AWARENESS FORTHE AMERICAN LEGION.

I GOT TO SAY, I'VE HAD SHATNERON THE PODCAST BEFORE-- HE'S

FUCKING AWESOME!

SHATNER IS A NATIONAL TREASURE!

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HE'S DOING THAT FOR CHARITY?

>> HARDWICK: HE'S DOING THIS FORCHARITY.

>> HE CANNOT RAISE MORE THANTHAT COSTS.

(LAUGHTER)THERE'S NO WAY.

>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, WHAT'SANOTHER BUSINESS VENTURE YOU

WOULD EXPECT FROM MR. WILLIAMSHATNER?

CHRIS GETHARD.

>> CAPTAIN KIRKLAND'S SIGNATUREGLAZED HAM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: HODGMAN.

>> THE WILLIAM SHATNER ONLINESCHOOL FOR DRAMATIC...

PAUSING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: A NEW YORK JUDGE

RULED THIS WEEK THAT STRIP CLUBPOLE DANCING IS TAX-EXEMPT IN

THE SAME WAY THAT THEATER, OPERAHOUSES AND CONCERT HALLS ALSO

ARE.

BRAVO, NEW YORK APPELLATE TAXCOURTS!

I TIP MY OPERA HAT TO YOU, ANDSLIP YOU A SACAGAWEA GOLDEN

DOLLAR INTO YOUR BUTT CRACK.

(LAUGHTER)STRIP CLUBS AND CONCERT VENUES

ARE SIMILAR IN ALL WAYS, EXCEPTWHEN YOU GO TO THE SYMPHONY, THE

BEST MAN DOESN'T RECOMMEND THATEVERYONE IN THE BACHELOR PARTY

WEAR SWEATPANTS BECAUSE, QUOTE,"THEY'RE EASIER TO JIZZ ALL UP

IN."

(LAUGHTER)SO, COMEDIANS, NOW THAT POLE

DANCING HAS BEEN GIVEN THELONG-OVERDUE CREDIT IT DESERVES,

AS A THEATRICAL LOFTY PURSUIT,GIVE ME THE NAME OF AN OPERA OR

PLAY YOU MIGHT EXPECT TO SNEAKINTO AT THE DAMP CLAM IN

TALLAHASSEE.

JOHN HODGMAN.

>> ORGY AND BESS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YES. KYLE.

>> WICKED... HUGE NUTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: YEAH! IT IS THE

STORY OF TWO SISTERS.

(LAUGHTER)AND ONE OF THEM'S GREEN.

>> HA-HA! POINTS.

>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)THANK YOU.

CHRIS GETHARD.

>> SOUTH PACIF-DICK.

(LAUGHTER)>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: OH, POINTS.

SO GOOD.

>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TOEMBRACE YOU. THAT'S...

>> HARDWICK: SO GOOD.

WE JUST LEFT COCK OF AGES ON THETABLE, UH, RIGHT THERE.

>> THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE.

SOUTH PACIF... AAH!

THE ONE THAT HE SAID. THE BEST.

>> HARDWICK: YES, IT'S AMAZING!

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, WHISTLING, WHOOPING)THIS SUNDAY IS THE EPIC SEASON

FINALE OF HBO'S HIT SERIES GAME OF THRONES.

UH, NO ONE'S FUCKED THE DRAGONYET-- WHAT'S GOING ON?

COME ON!

EVERY EPISODE: THIS COULD BE THEONE!

AND NO.

NO CURRENT SHOW HAS A HUNGRIER,MORE RABID FAN BASE, SO IN ORDER

TO SATE THEIR APPETITE,TONIGHT'S FAR-STRETCHING HASHTAG

IS: #GAMEOFTHRONESFOOD.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE-- THE BREADWEDDING, OR JOHN SNOW CONE, OR

GEORGE RIBS RIBS MARTIN.

(LAUGHTER)I WAS CONFLICTED ABOUT WHETHER

TO MAKE THAT GEORGE RIBS RIBSFARTIN, BUT I DIDN'T...

(LAUGHTER)I THINK THE FORMER WAS BETTER.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK NOW. AND BEGIN.

CHRIS.

>> TYRION-MISU.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)KYLE KINANE.

>> HAM ON THE THRONE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: KYLE.

>> KING SIZE SNICKERS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)UH, CHRIS GETHARD.

>> A SONG OF RICE AND FIRE.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

HODGMAN.

>> UNNECESSARILY GRATUITOUSBROCCOLI RAPÉ SCENE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: JESUS!

OH, MY GOSH. POINTS.

KYLE.

>> DRAGOONS-- THEY'RE DRAGONSAND MACAROONS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

HODGMAN.

>> WINTER IS CUMIN.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY...

♪ TIME OF YOUR LIFE. (WHOOPING, CHEERING)

YOU GUYS, YOU'RE ALL HARDWORKINGENTERTAINMENT TYPES WHO PROBABLY

HAVEN'T HAD TIME FOR A VACATIONTHIS SUMMER, WHICH IS A REAL

SHAME, 'CAUSE IT DEPRIVES YOURFOLLOWERS OF ALL THOSE GREAT

INSTAGRAM PICTURES OF VAGUELYETHNIC FOOD SITUATED NEAR SAND.

SO WE TOOK THE LIBERTY OFPHOTOSHOPPING YOU INTO SOME

AWESOME VACATION PHOTOS WE FOUNDONLINE.

WE KNOW YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THESEBEFORE, BUT JUST PRETEND WE'RE

OVER AT YOUR HOUSE AND YOU'VEGOT THE SLIDE CAROUSEL FUNCTION

ON, AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU TELLUS HOW THIS AWESOME VACATION WAS

THAT YOU TOTALLY WENT ON, OKAY?

FIRST ONE, FIRST ONE, CHRIS,LET'S START WITH YOU.

THERE YOU GO. WHOA, CHRIS!

YOU LOOK AMAZING!

>> OH, YEAH.

I, UH, I-I... I DEFINITELYREMEMBER THAT.

HOW COULD YOU FORGET?

UM, THAT WAS ON MY HONEYMOON,ACTUALLY, AND MY... WHAT YOU

DON'T SEE IS, I'M CHASING MYWIFE ACROSS THE SKY IN A

ROMANTIC GESTURE.

IT WENT REALLY WELL.

>> AND THEN DID YOU DO IT IN THEAIR LIKE EAGLES?

>> WE DID. WE DID.

AND IT'S HOW BOTH OF US LOST OURVIRGINITY.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO.

WHAT A GREAT VACATION.

WHAT A GREAT VACATION.

>> WE WAITED.

THERE WAS ACTUALLY A RABBI ON ATHIRD ONE OF THOSE HOLDING A

SHEET WITH A HOLE... AND WE ALLTHREE COORDINATED, ALL THREE OF

US COORDINATED.

NEITHER OF US IS JEWISH.

NEITHER OF US IS JEWISH.

>> WELL, YOU HAVE TO GO WITH THETRADITION, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE

FLYING...

>> OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

>> CLEARLY, YOUR PARENTS ARESTEPHEN HAWKING AND THE BLUE

ANGELS.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S A GOOD BLOODLINE,

THAT'S A GOOD BLOODLINE.

>> YEAH.

>> I... I WORE THAT BIKE HELMETSO I WOULD BE SAFE IF THAT

CRASHED.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)WELL... I MEAN, THIS IS SUCH AN

EXCITING DAREDEVIL VACATION, BUTIT DIDN'T STOP THERE!

CHRIS WENT SOME OTHER PLACES.

THERE, LOOK AT THAT!

>> OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

UM, THAT WAS COOL.

THOSE GUYS WERE LETTING ME HOLDTHE BOW FOR THE PICTURE, BUT

THOSE VERY TALL MEN ACTUALLYHUNTED ME FOR SPORT THAT DAY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

THAT'S... I'M ACTUALLY...

>> THAT IS TED NUGENT.

>> HARDWICK: I'M ACTUALLY 99%POSITIVE THAT'S TED NUGENT.

YEAH.

>> I WAS THERE-- I'M 100%POSITIVE IT IS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, SURE.

>> AND KID ROCK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. OH, ANDTHAT'S KID ROCK, YEAH.

YEAH, NOW, HOW DO YOU KNOW TEDNUGENT AND KID ROCK?

>> I KNOW TED NUGENT AND KIDROCK BECAUSE MY CAR BROKE DOWN

IN DETROIT ONE TIME, AND KIDROCK PICKED ME UP IN A

MOTORCYCLE THAT HAD A SIDECAR ONIT, AND WE DROVE OUT TO TED

NUGENT'S PLACE, AND I WAS LIKE,"THANKS FOR THE RIDE," AND KID

ROCK WAS LIKE, "OF COURSE, BUTTHERE IS A PRICE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, WHAT'STHE PRICE?" AND HE WAS LIKE,

"WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU A THREE-AND-A-HALF-MINUTE HEAD START AND

NUGENT'S GONNA BLAST YOU WITHARROWS AND IF YOU GET HIT WITH

LESS THAN TWO YOU CAN LIVE."

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. GOOD.

WELL, I'M GLAD... THIS WORKEDOUT, BUT I THINK THIS NEXT ONE

IS PROBABLY WHERE THE VACATIONREALLY TOOK A FUN TURN.

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: NOW... THIS IS VERYINTERESTING, BECAUSE I

THOUGHT... I THOUGHT LEGALLY YOUWEREN'T ALLOWED TO DO THIS

ANYMORE.

>> IS THAT ACTUALLY YOU, OR ISTHAT THE AMERICAN GIRL DOLL

VERSION OF YOU?

(LAUGHTER)>> NO, THAT IS ME.

THAT IS ACTUALLY ME.

WEIRDLY ENOUGH, THESE TWO GIRLSALSO HUNTED ME FOR SPORT.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

FOR SPORT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTSTO YOU, POINTS TO YOU.

NOW, MR. HODGMAN, YOU LEAD AVERY RICH LIFE, UH...

>> SURE.

>> HARDWICK: ...FILLED WITHEXCITING TRAVELS AND WHATNOT.

>> I TRAVEL ALL OVER THE WORLD,SOLVING MYSTERIOUS.

>> HARDWICK: LIKE THIS FIRSTONE...

>> YEAH, THAT... THAT WAS...

THAT WAS A FUN DAY.

THAT'S... WELL, THE FUNNY THINGIS THAT I'M ACTUALLY THE ONE IN

THE SPIDER-MAN MASK.

THE YOUNG MAN... THE YOUNG MANTO MY LEFT, ON THE RIGHT OF THE

PHOTO, IS ACTUALLY DOING SOMEJOHN HODGMAN COSPLAY.

>> HARDWICK: OH, HE'S... OKAY.

I...

I LOVE YOUR SPIDER-FOOPA.

>> WAS IT WEIRD THAT WHEN JOHNSAYS THAT'S HIM IN THERE IT'S A

JOKE, BUT IF KYLE SAID IT, WE'DBE LIKE, "YEAH"?

>> HARDWICK: OH, SH...

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: BUT...

>> I SHOULD... YOU'RE RIGHT, ISHOULD HAVE SAID THAT'S JUST ME

AND KYLE KINANE GROWING UP.

>> THE ONLY REASON IT'S NOTBELIEVABLE IS 'CAUSE IT'S

IMPORTED BEER RIGHT THERE.

YOU COULD HAVE TOLD EVERYBODY IWAS KID ROCK, IT'D BE MUCH MORE,

UH...

>> HARDWICK: THE... GUY ON THELEFT GOT BIT BY A RADIOACTIVE

DOUGHNUT.

UH... BUT-BUT THE FUN TIMES DIDNOT STOP THERE, JOHN.

>> NO, THEY DID NOT.

>> HARDWICK: YOU WENT ON TO THISADVENTURE.

>> UH, LOOK, EVERYONE KNOWS...

EVERYONE KNOWS THERE'S BEEN ALOT OF BEEF BETWEEN ME AND DOG

THE BOUNTY HUNTER...

OVER WHO'S THE BETTER BOUNTYHUNTER.

AND MY-MY FEELING STILL IS I AMTHE BEST BOUNTY HUNTER IN THE

WORLD.

DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER OBVIOUSLYHAS A DIFFERENT OPINION.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> WE GET INTO IT A LITTLE BITSOMETIMES OVER TWITTER.

THE TRUTH IS, THOUGH, WE HAVE ALOT OF COLLEGIAL RESPECT FOR

EACH OTHER.

WE BOTH DO A HARD JOB AND WEBOTH LOOK FANTASTIC IN...

SARONGS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> AND OLD-TIMEY BATHING SUITS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

I MEAN...

>> SO THIS WAS...

>> HARDWICK: AND YOUR STRAW HAT.

>> YEAH, MY STRAW BOATER.

THIS WAS WHEN WE WENT TO, UH,MAINE TOGETHER LAST SUMMER.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

BUT, UH, I MEAN, LISTEN, ITCAN'T ALL BE FUN IN THE SUN.

LIKE, SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO GO TOOTHER PLACES, SO THIS LAST ONE,

UH...

>> NOW, THAT'S WHEN...

>> HARDWICK: FIRST OF ALL,YOU'RE RIPPED.

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> HARDWICK: YOU'RE SUPERRIPPED HERE.

>> THAT'S ONE OF... THAT'S ONEOF MY FAVORITE PHOTOS OF ME.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING THERE, YOUUNDERSTAND...

>> HELP ME UNDERSTAND.

>> IT'S FUNNY, I DIDN'T THINKTHIS PHOTO WAS GOING TO MAKE IT

OUT ONTO THE INTERNET.

>> HARDWICK: SURE.

I NOTICED YOU...

>> EVEN THOUGH I... IT CAME OUTON MY INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT.

>> HARDWICK: THREE, FOUR, FIVE,SIX, SEVEN-- YOU HAVE EIGHT

CLOTHESPINS, UH, THERE.

>> SURE.

YEAH, SEE, THIS WAS A BIGACHIEVEMENT FOR ME, BECAUSE

BEFORE THIS DAY, I'D ONLY BEENABLE TO DO THREE CLOTHESPINS ON

EITHER SIDE.

AND YOU KNOW, PART OF IS JUSTWHEN YOU'RE A BOUNTY HUNTER AND

MYSTERY SOLVER OF MY CALIBER,YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA

HAVE TO FACE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> UH, AND-AND WHEN YOU MIGHT BECAPTURED AND TORTURED BY AN

ENEMY GOVERNMENT, SO THIS IS...

HOW, THIS IS HOW I GET MYSELFREADY TO-TO, UH, RAISE MY PAIN

THRESHOLD.

>> HARDWICK: SURE.

>> AND ALSO MY PLEASURETHRESHOLD.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY, GOOD.

POINT, POINTS TO JOHN HODGMAN.

AND FINALLY, YOU KNOW, KYLE, IKNOW HOW HARD YOU WORK AND I

KNOW, UH...

>> OH, SO MUCH.

>> HARDWICK: ...THAT VACATIONTIME IS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU, SO

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR FIRSTVACATION PHOTO.

>> YEAH, LOOK, THERE I AM.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S A SELFIETHERE.

THIS IS ONE HE WOULD ACTUALLYFUCKING DO, THOUGH.

>> WHAT'S MOST DISTURBING IS THEORIGINAL PICTURES OF EVERYBODY

LOOKS LIKE THEY POSED, BUTTHAT'S STILL MY FACE YOU GOT

FROM SOMEWHERE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, WHICH WE GOTFROM YOUR VACATION PHOTOS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS IS 100% YOU.

>> I JUST LIKE TO JUMP IN, YOUKNOW, UH...

I'M TRYING TO GET AN ATHLETICWEAR SPONSORSHIP, SO I'M JUMPING

IN ON SOME EXTREME SPORTS THESEDAYS.

>> HARDWICK: SURE.

>> UH...

>> HARDWICK: YOU WENT ALL THEWAY TO PAMPLONA, SPAIN TO, UH...

>> A... NO, THAT'S, UH, THAT'SJOLIET.

THAT'S JOLIET.

>> IN ILLINOIS?

>> THEY GOT... THEY-THEY JUSTGOT, YEAH, THEY JUST GOT THE ONE

BULL, SETH, AND THEY...

SO THAT'S WHY IT'S PRETTY IRONICHE ACTUALLY GOT SOMEBODY THIS

YEAR-- WE WERE ACTUALLY... WEWERE PROUD OF THE BULL, BECAUSE

EVERYBODY KNOW, "OH, IT'S...

SETH'S COMING OUT."

>> HARDWICK: NOW...

>> AND THIS-THIS GUY WAS JUSTGOING TO THE POST OFFICE.

HE REALLY GOT IT.

>> HARDWICK: NOW BECAUSE WE CANONLY SEE HALF THE BULL, WHAT I

IMAGINE THIS IS IS THAT YOU'RE-YOU'RE AT A SPECIAL FETISH CLUB

WATCHING A DUDE GET BLOWN BY AMINOTAUR.

IS THAT NOT WHAT THAT IS?

>> YOU DON'T SEE, I ACTUALLYHAVE TEN CLOTHESPINS ON MY

NIPPLES.

>> HARDWICK: OH, GOT YOU.

GOT YOU, ALL RIGHT.

>> A LITTLE BRAGGY, A LITTLEBRAGGY.

>> I JUST... LISTEN, I'VE BEENIN THE SCENE A LITTLE LONGER

THAN YOU, ALL RIGHT?

I'VE BEEN IN THE SCENE A LITTLELONG...

I'M ALREADY GOING TO GET GOREDBY BULLS-- I MEAN, YOU'RE-YOU'RE

DOING CLOTHESPINS?

I MEAN, ALL RIGHT, HODGMAN, ALLRIGHT.

JEEZ, I MEAN...

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT ALL...

IT'S NOT ALL FUN AND GAMES WITHILLINOIS BULLS GORING DUDES.

YOU ALSO, UH, WENT ON THISLITTLE TRIP HERE.

>> I MEAN...

>> HARDWICK: IT LOOKS LIKEYOU'RE HOLDING YOUR DICK

HOSTAGE.

ARE YOU... ARE YOU HOLDING YOURDICK HOSTAGE THERE?

>> I'M JUST POINTING AT IT TOLET IT KNOW WHO'S BOSS.

>> YOU'VE GOT TO... YOU HAVE TOMAINTAIN COMMAND, YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAINTAIN A CHAIN OF COMMAND.

>> HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GONNA GETTHINGS DONE WITH OR WITHOUT IT

HOSTAGE-- MORE, ALL RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, RIGHT, NO,YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY IN THEREGISTER OR I SHOOT MY DICK OFF.

PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHATTHEY'RE SEEING.

WHY DOES HE HAVE TWO GUITAR HEROGUITARS?

>> HARDWICK: I DIDN'T NOTICETHOSE WERE GUITAR...

>> I THINK YOU'RE...

>> WHAT HAPPENED, DID ALL THEGUNS MISDIRECT YOU FROM THE

FACT THAT I ALSO ENJOY ANOCCASIONAL GUITAR HERO SESH?

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> THESE FINGERS ARE... AREN'TJUST FOR MURDER.

>> HARDWICK: DUDE, IF-IF THISPICTURE IS NOT YOUR TINDER

PROFILE PIC, YOU'RE DOINGSOMETHING WRONG.

BUT THEN, OF COURSE, THIS LASTPICTURE TAKES US TO A VERY

SPECIAL PLACE.

TELL US ABOUT THIS VACATION.

>> OH, MAN, THAT'S, I MEAN,WELL, I MEAN, DMT IS KNOWN AS A

SPIRIT MOLECULE.

AND, UH, SOMETIMES YOU FINDYOURSELF CONSUMING YOUR OWN

EXISTENCE.

UH, THE FACT THAT IT WINDS UP APHYSICAL MANIFESTATION AND YOU

CAN SELFIE WITHIN YOUR OWN, UH,ORIFICE, UM...

THE PROGRESSION OF THIS, WHEREIT WENT, IS A LOT THAT YOU WISH

THE IPHONE CAMERA DIDN'T WORK ASWELL AS IT DID, 'CAUSE THE...

THE DETAILS ARE ALARMINGLYCRISP.

SO THIS ONE, THE FACT THAT WEGOT TO GET TO HERE AND JUST, I

MEAN...

THAT-THAT CLEAN BILL OF HEALTHWITH THE MOUTH, THERE, AND...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, GOOD, NICETEETH.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS, KYLEKINANE.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT A CHINESE ACTRESS BEING

SUED FOR STARING SO INTENSELY ATA MAN THROUGH THE TELEVISION

THAT IT BROKE HIM, SPIRITUALLY.

AND I ASKED YOU, THE COMEDIANS--IN CASE YOU DON'T REMEMBER TO

STARE AT SOMEONE INTENSELYTHROUGH THE TELEVISION AND BREAK

THEIR SPIRITS-- TO DO THAT NOW.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU HAVE STAREDAT.

UH, JOHN HODGMAN.

>> THIS IS A MESSAGE TO MYCHILDREN, ALL 482 OF THEM AROUND

THE WORLD.

AND THE ONE IN THE SPACESTATION.

IT'S WEIRD YOU'RE ALL WATCHINGTHIS RIGHT NOW-- CRAZY

COINCIDENCE-- BUT I THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

CHRIS GETHARD.

>> I'M A 35-YEAR-OLD MAN, AND ICRY A LOT.

THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW, SO YOUTHINK THERE'S ABOUT TO BE A

PUNCH LINE.

THAT PUNCH LINE WILL NEVER COME.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

KYLE KINANE.

(FARTING SOUNDS TO THE OPENINGOF "BACK IN BLACK")

>> ♪ BACK IN BLACK >> HARDWICK: ARE YOU GODDAMNED

KIDDING ME?

>> I'M NOT JUST THE VOICE OFCOMEDY CENTRAL-- I'M THE EYES OF

COMEDY CENTRAL.

>> HARDWICK: AND NOW IT'S TIMETO PLAY SPACEXXX.

THE POPULAR SEXUAL INTERCOURSEVIDEO WEB SITE PORNHUB...

IS THAT ONE? I WOULDN'T KNOW.

WHY WOULD I KNOW ABOUT A HUB OFPORNOGRAPHY?

PORNHUB IS LAUNCHING ANINDIEGOGO CAMPAIGN TO MAKE THE

FIRST PORNO IN SPACE...

YEAH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH?

WAIT. JUST FUCKING WAIT. WAIT.

NOW, THEY CLAIM IT'S THE FIRST,BUT WE CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT NASA

HAS HAD HOURS AND HOURS OFZERO-G SEXPERIMENTS ON TAPE

ALREADY THAT THEY'RE TOTALLY NOTADMITTING HAVE HAPPENED, BECAUSE

THEY WOULD HAVE TO CHECK TO SEEIF, GOING TO MARS, YOU LOSE BONE

DENSITY.

THEY WOULD TOTALLY NEED TO KNOWTHAT.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW? IFWE'RE...

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> HARDWICK: AND IF YOU DO, NOTONE DUDE IS EVER GONNA GO TO

MARS.

AND AT THE RISK OF WASTING ANYMORE OF OUR VIEWERS' TIME,

COMEDIANS, IT'S, UH... IT'S PORNIN SPACE.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT TO DO.

IN 60 SECONDS. AND START.

(BELL DINGS)HODGMAN.

>> EMPIRE GOT BACK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)KYLE.

>> UH... ALIEN VS. PREDATOR VS.

SOME BIG OL' TITTIES.

>> HARDWICK: FUCKING NO POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, GETHARD.

>> THE CHALLENGER EXPLODED ALLOVER HER FACE.

(GROANING)(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: WHAT IS WRONG WITHYOU PEOPLE?

>> I KNOW.

I SHOULD HAVE SAID "TITS."

>> YES!

>> HARDWICK: WAIT. WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

>> POINTS!

>> HARDWICK: YOUR CRITICISM ONYOUR OWN JOKE WAS THAT YOU

SHOULD HAVE SAID "TITS"?

>> YEAH.

YEAH. IF YOU'RE GONNA DISRESPECTA TRAGEDY...

YOU SHOULD GO...

>> YEAH, MAKE IT COUNT.

>> YEAH, YOU SHOULD GO AS-ASDISRESPECTFUL AS POSSIBLE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.