No Real Reason

  • 11/12/2011

T.J. Miller offers a tour of his twisted imagination and the crazy characters inside his head.

(cheers and applause)

LET'S START IT OFF, READY?I SAY HEY, YOU SAY HO!

HEY!(all) HO!

NOT EVERYBODY,JUST YOU, READY?

HEY!(man) HO.

HEY!HO!

HE'S GOOD.

THAT WAS GOOD.YOU'RE A GOOD HO.

I MEAN, YOU'RE...

OH, THIS IS GREAT.

RECENTLY, I THREW UP ONTHE STREET IN WASHINGTON D.C.

THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT?OUR NATION'S CAPITAL.

THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I THROW UPIN THE STREET A LOT.

I LIKE TO DRINKAND I GET HUNG OVER.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE HUNG OVERAND YOU'RE LIKE,

"I AM DEFINITELYGONNA VOMIT TODAY...

BUT I WONDER IF I CAN MAKE ITTO BREAKFAST FIRST."

SO I ROLLED THE DICE.

I WAS INCORRECTIN MY ASSERTION.

I KNOW THIS 'CAUSE I MADE THATSOUND THAT YOU MAKE

WHEN YOU'REDEFINITELY GONNA VOMIT,

YOU KNOW, WHEN THERE'S NODECISION LEFT,

IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS, UH...

(retching)

YEAH?

THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM.

WHICH IS THE GREAT THING ABOUTTHE HUMAN BODY, TOO,

NOT ONLY ISVOMITING DISGUSTING,

WE GET TO LOOK LIKE A HUNGRYBABY BIRD RIGHT BEFORE.

(retching)

FEED ME, MOTHER!

IT'S A BRITISH BIRD,PERHAPS A NIGHTINGALE.

WHAT WAS DIFFERENTABOUT THIS TIME

IS RIGHTAS I BEGAN TO VOMIT,

LIKE, RIGHT AS I WAS LIKE--(retching)

I TURNED, AND I MADEEYE CONTACT WITH A WOMAN

SITTING ACROSS THE STREETAT A STARBUCKS...

AND THEN I HELDEYE CONTACT AS I VOMITED.

BECAUSE HER MORNINGSTARTED OFF SUCCESSFULLY.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT WEARINGTHE CLOTHING

SHE WAS IN THE NIGHT BEFORE,SHE'S UP ON TIME,

SHE'S PROBABLY THINKING TOHERSELF,

WELL, ANOTHER SUCCESSFULMORNING...

SIPPING A FRAPPE LATTE!

WHAT DO THEY ALWAYS SAY?EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO--

THE WORM'S IN YOUR HOUSE--I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT CLICHéS!

OR AT LEAST THE PERSONIMPERSONATING ME ISN'T.

IT'S A REAL POINT OFINSECURITY FOR HIM.

BUT AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE ANAWKWARD INTERACTION WITH A--

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT BABYBIRD OF A MAN OVER THERE?

THEN SHE JUST SEES ME LIKE...

(retching)

I ALSO WALK LIKEA ZOMBIE WHEN I VOMIT.

BUT I FEEL BAD FOR HER,YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE WHAT'SGOING ON IN HER REALITY?

SHE'S GOT TO GO HOME AND CALLHER FRIENDS, RIGHT?

SHE DOESN'TKNOW THE CONTEXT.

SHE JUST CALLS, SHE GOES,"OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

"I WAS SO UGLYTHIS MORNING.

I MADE A MAN VOMIT."

DID YOU KNOW THAT ACTUALLY--THIS IS TRUE.

THIS--THIS AREA OF COLORADO,RIGHT AROUND HERE IN BOULDER,

HAS THE HIGHEST CASES OFPEDOPHILIA PER CAPITA

OF ANYWHEREELSE IN COLORADO.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

IT'S TRUE, I READ ITIN WIKIPEDIA.

I MEAN, I PUT IT IN THERE,BUT I READ IT RIGHT AFTERWARDS.

THAT'S ANOPEN-SOURCE-CODING JOKE.

I DO, I CREEPPEOPLE OUT A LOT.

I DON'T MEAN TO AT ALL.

I REALIZED RECENTLY THATSOMETIMES WHEN I'M EXCITED

ABOUT SOMETHING AFTER I SAY IT,I'LL GO LIKE THIS...

(laughter)

DON'T EVER DO THAT.

THAT MAKES ANYTHING YOU'RESAYING SOUND LIKE MALICIOUS

OR MALICE OR...

WATCH, I'LL SHOW YOU.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYSDOING AFTER THE SHOW?

WHAT DO I WANT TO DOTO THEM AFTER THE SHOW?

HEY, MAN, CAN I BORROWA STICK OF GUM?

THAT GUM AIN'T FOR CHEWIN'!

EVEN NICE THINGS.

KAREN, CONGRATULATIONS,I HEARD YOU'RE PREGNANT.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO,GO UP THERE AND GET IT?

I HAVE A FRIEND,HE CREEPS ME OUT

TELL ME IF YOUHAVE ANYBODY LIKE THIS.

HE WINKS AT ME A LOT,LIKE TOO MUCH.

ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

'CAUSE IT'S 2011 AND THEY'RE NOTYOUR UNCLE, YOU KNOW?

HE'LL WINKAND SOMETIMES IT'LL MAKE SENSE

AND THEN OTHER TIMES, IT WON'T,SO IT'S VERY CONFUSING.

"HEY, YOU WANNA HANG OUT WITHTHOSE GIRLS LATER?

THEY'RE DOWN TO PARTY."

I'LL BE LIKE,YEAH, SURE,

OH, YEAH,THAT SOUNDS GOOD, YEAH.

"YEAH, THEN MAYBE LATER YOUAND ME CAN GET SOME PIZZA."

NO, I DON'TTHINK I WANNA DO THAT.

DOES THAT INVOLVE US HAVINGSEXUAL INTERCOURSE?

"NO."

IT'S WEIRD, I'M GETTING MORERECOGNIZABLE NOW, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE I'VE BEENIN SOME MOVIES.

I'M NOT FAMOUS.

I'M LIKE THE LEAST FAMOUSYOU CAN BE

WHILE STILL BEING CONSIDEREDSORT OF FAMOUS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I'M THE LEVEL OF CELEBRITYWHERE GROUPS OF GUYS AT AIRPORTS

WILL KIND OF LOOK OVER AT MEAND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER,

THEN KIND OF LOOK BACK OVER.

AND I'M NOT SUREIF THEY RECOGNIZE ME

OR THEY WANNA GANG-RAPE MEIN THE MEN'S ROOM.

EITHER WAY, I'M FLATTERED.

OR SOMETIMES I'LL GET SOMEBODYWHO KNOWS THAT THEY RECOGNIZE ME

BUT THEY CAN'T THINK OFTHE MOVIE OR THE TV SHOW,

WHATEVER, THEY DON'T KNOW WHERETHEY RECOGNIZE ME FROM.

YOU KNOW, THAT'SALWAYS A WEIRD INTERACTION.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVERINTERACTED WITH SOMEBODY

WHO IS SIMULTANEOUSLYVERY EXCITED TO SEE YOU

BUT ALSO VERY UPSET

AND FRUSTRATEDWITH THEMSELVES.

YEAH, IT'S STRANGE, LIKE,"HEY, OH, YOU'RE THE GUY--

"THIS IS SO--OH, THIS IS GREAT.

"SO YOU'RE FROM--

"YOU'RE THE GUY FROM, UM...UH...

"GODDAMMIT! WHAT?

"DON'T YOU TELL ME!I'M GONNA THINK OF IT!

"HOLD ON ONE SECOND,SON OF A BITCH, FUCKIN'--

"ALL RIGHT, YOU TELL MEEVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE BEEN IN,

"I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHINGI'VE SEEN

"AND THEN WE'LL MATCH IT UP

AND THEN I'LL DECIDE IF IT'SWORTH TAKING A PICTURE."

I DON'T, YOU KNOW,FOR WHATEVER REASON,

YOU'RE WELCOME TO,BUT TAKE A PRACTICE SHOT.

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS WEIRD,

BUT SO OFTEN I'LL BE POSING,LIKE, WITH A GIRL,

AND HER BOYFRIENDWILL BE USING HER CAMERA

AND HE WON'T KNOW HOWTO USE IT.

AND THEN I'M POSINGAND, YOU KNOW, SHE'S--

SHE'S, YOU KNOW, STANDINGNEXT TO ME LIKE...

"PRESS THE BUTTON."

"PRESS THE--THE BUTTON ON THE FRONT.

"PRESS THE--FINE, PRESS THE OTHER--

"PRESS THE ONE THAT LOOKSLIKE A CAMERA.

"PRESS THE...

"PRESS--FINE, PRESS THE ONEBUTTON THAT YOU HAVEN'T PRESSED.

"WHY DON'T YOU TRYPRESSING THAT?

"WHY DON'T YOUPRESS THAT BUTTON?

"HE'S SO STUPID, HE CHEATEDON ME IN JULY.

PRESS THE BUTTON!"

THEN IT'S JUSTME LIKE...

(laughter)

GOTTA WET THAT WHISTLE,YOU KNOW?

ONE TIME I HAD A GUY--

THIS GUY APPROACHED MEAT THE AIRPORT AND HE GOES,

"HEY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR."

AND I SAID, "YEAH,YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME IN,

LIKE, SOME MOVIESOR ON TV OR SOMETHING."

HE GOES, "NAH.

WHAT HIGH SCHOOLDID YOU GO TO?"

AND I WAS LIKE,"EAST HIGH."

AND HE WAS LIKE--(women cheer)

YEAH, YEAH,HE WAS EQUALLY EXCITED.

AND I SAID--I SAID EAST HIGH,AND HE GOES,

"YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO."

AND I SAID, "WELL, I DIDN'TSAY THE STATE OR THE CITY

AND IT'S NAMEDAFTER A DIRECTION."

AND HE GOES, "DID YOU RUNTRACK AND FIELD?"

I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T,SO MAYBE IT'S 'CHELSEA LATELY.'"

HE GOES, "ME NEITHER.

WHAT WAS YOURBEST FRIEND'S NAME?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "IT WAS LLOYD,BUT I DON'T THINK--"

HE GOES, "I'M LLOYD."

AND THAT'S HOW I RECONNECTEDWITH MY BEST FRIEND

FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

(cheers and applause)

HOW DEEP IS THAT?

THERE ARE GOOD THINGSABOUT BECOMING

A LITTLE BITMORE RECOGNIZABLE.

I NOW HAVE A RIDER,SO THAT'S WHAT I REQUIRE--

I PERFORM, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE HAVE,"NO BROWN M&MS" OR WHATEVER.

SO I HAVE, LIKE,YOU KNOW, A STOOL

AND WATER AND EVERYTHING.

BUT I ALSO PUT SOME THINGS INTHAT ARE JUST FOR ME,

YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN.

LIKE, I REQUIRE,IT SAYS IN THE RIDER,

"A TERRIBLE TURKEY SANDWICH,"

AND THEN IN PARENTHESES IT SAYS"OPEN TO INTERPRETATION."

AND THEN EITHER A REAL PIñATA

OR HAND-DRAWN PICTUREOF A PIñATA.

NOW, I DO THISFOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

ONE, I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS,

TWO, IT'S NOT VERY HARD,YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I HADTHIS GIRL COME UP TO ME ONCE

IN A COLLEGE AND SHE GOES,"OH, MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY,

"ALL THEY HAD WAS HAM SANDWICHES

SO I GOT YOU A HAM SANDWICH,IS THAT OKAY?"

I SAID, "A HAM SANDWICH?

"THAT'S A PRETTY TERRIBLETURKEY SANDWICH.

I LIKE THE WAY YOU'REINTERPRETING THINGS."

YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN'TBUY ME A REAL PIñATA,

THEN ANYONE CAN DRAW A PIñATA.AND IF YOU CAN'T,

THEN I'LL REFUSE TO PERFORMLIKE I DID

IN UPSTATE NEW YORK ATELMIRA COLLEGE FOR 25 MINUTES.

AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS...

IF YOU'VE NEVERHAD A 22-YEAR-OLD

BEGRUDGINGLY DRAW YOUA PIñATA...

I RECOMMEND IT.

IT'S A LOT OF FUN."HERE, YOU HAPPY?

"YOU WANT YOUR LITTLE GAME,T.J.?

THERE, YOU HAPPY?"

BUT WHERE WILL HE HANG FROM?

AND THEN SOMETIMES PEOPLEGIVE ME REALLY COOL PIñATAS

AND I ALWAYS TAKE THEM HOME,

AND YOU GOTTACARRY THEM ON THE PLANE

'CAUSE YOU CAN'TCHECK A PIñATA.

THAT SHOULD BE A T-SHIRT!

BUT I WAS INA SMALL AIRPORT,

IT WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW,MAYBE TWO--

TWO GATES, 25 PASSENGERS.

AND I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,WHEN I CAME OUT,

THERE'S A TSA AGENT,AND SHE WAS ALREADY MAD AT ME.

NEVER MET ME.ALREADY.

"SIR, EXCUSE ME?

DO YOU HAVEALL YOUR BELONGINGS?"

I SAID, "YEAH, I THINK SO,"SHE SAID, "REALLY?

"THOSE AREN'T YOURBELONGINGS OVER THERE?

THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS?"

AND I JUST LOOK OVERAND MY BELONGINGS

THAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT

WAS JUST A SINGLE SOLITARYLONELY PIñATA LIKE...

"WHAT DID I DO?"YOU KNOW?

I BELIEVEHE WAS ECUADOREAN.

AND...

I SAID,"OH, YEAH, THAT'S MINE,

I JUST--I COULDN'T CARRYIT INTO THE BATHROOM."

SHE GOES, "SIR, IF YOU DON'THAVE YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU,

"WE'RE FORCED TO CONFISCATEAND DESTROY THEM.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

I SAID, "OKAY, YEAH, I JUST--I DIDN'T HAVE IT."

AND SHE GOES, "SIR, FORCED TOCONFISCATE AND DESTROY THEM.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

AND SHE WAS BEING SO RUDE,I COULDN'T HELP IT.

I WAS JUST LIKE,"YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS.

FIRST OF ALL, "I DON'T CAREABOUT THOSE BELONGINGS.

"I DON'T KNOW WHYYOU'RE MAKING IT PLURAL,

"ARE YOU COUNTING THE LEGSSEPARATELY?

"SO YOU CAN CONFISCATE IT.

"AND TWO, YOU SHOULD KNOW THATIF YOU DESTROY THOSE BELONGINGS,

YOU'RE GONNA GET A LOT OFCANDY."

I'M REALLY NOT.

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE,

WHAT DO COOL GUYS DO WHEN THEYGET A CORONA, HUH?

WHAT DO THEYDO WITH THE LIME?

THEY'LL PRESS THE LIME DOWNINTO THE BOTTLE,

THEN THEY TURNTHE BOTTLE UPSIDE DOWN

SO THE LIME SLOWLYFLOATS UPWARDS

FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTLE

AND BY THE TIME THEYTURN IT BACK AROUND,

USUALLY, THEY'RE HAVING SEXWITH A WOMAN.

I ALWAYS TRY AND DO THAT,I'M LIKE,

"OH, YEAH,YOU'RE GOING BACK TO NURSING?

HOLD ON A SECOND,I GOT A CORONA--"

PSSH!

AND WHENEVER I ASK ADVICE

ABOUT HOW TO KIND OF ACT MORESMOOTH IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS,

PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE ME SIMILAR--

DO YOU EVER HAVE ANYBODYSAY TO YOU,

"JUST DO YOUR THING"?

"JUST DO YOUR THING, MAN."DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, T.J.

"JUST DO YOUR THING.JUST DO YOUR THING."

I DON'T WANNA DO THAT.

BECAUSE MYTHING IS THIS...

THAT'S A WEIRD THING,DON'T TELL ME TO DO THAT.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP MEIN ANY SITUATION.

I AM KIND OF A STRANGE GUY,AS I MENTIONED.

I'M GONNA TELLA STORY TO ILLUSTRATE THAT.

MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS,KAREN, WAS...

(laughter)

SEE, THIS IS WHY COMEDIANSDON'T OPEN UP TO AUDIENCES.

'CAUSE WE GET SLAPPEDIN THE FACE.

SHE WAS THROWING AWAYHER TENNIS OUTFIT.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS,

IT'S A MATCHING SKIRTAND TANKTOP USED IN

THE RECREATIONAL PLAYAND COMPETITION OF TENNIS.

SO SHE WAS GETTING RID OF IT,

AND I SAID, "DO YOU THINKTHAT'LL FIT ME?"

AND SHE SAID,"YEAH, I THINK IT'S ELASTIC."

SO I TRIED IT ON,AND IT FIT

AND I KEPT IT FORWHENEVER I GOT HOT.

'CAUSE IT WAS COMFORTABLEAND IT LOOKED HILARIOUS.

ONE TIME, WE WERE ALL HANGINGOUT AND MY COUSIN CAME OVER,

AND I WAS WEARINGTHE TENNIS OUTFIT AND HE GOES,

"HEY, YOU KNOW WHATYOU SHOULD DO?

YOU SHOULD GO DOWNSTAIRS TOTHE CORNER OF SUNSET AND VINE,"

WHICH IS A VERY BUSYINTERSECTION

WHERE I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU SHOULD SMOKEA CIGARETTE IN THAT OUTFIT.

I DARE YOU."

AND I WAS LIKE,"YOU DARE ME?

"WHAT ARE WE, 15?LET'S DO THIS THING."

SO I WENT DOWNSTAIRS,BUT IT'S HOLLYWOOD,

SO NOBODY WASREALLY WEIRDED OUT BY IT.

BUT THEN AS I WASABOUT TO FINISH,

THIS--THIS GROUP OFTHUGGISH YOUTHS,

YOU KNOW, APPROACHED,LIKE YOUNG RAPSCALLIONS.

NE'ER-DO-WELLS, NO-GOODNIKS,NOT-AS-GOOD-AS-THE-OTHERSES.

IT'S A PHRASETHAT NEVER CAUGHT ON.

THEY WERE APPROACHING,

I KNEW THEY WERE GONNA YELLSOMETHING AT ME.

YOU KNOW WHEN KIDSARE LIKE, "HEY, HEY!"

YOU KNOW IT, YOU KNOW.

SO I WANTED TOHEAD THEM OFF AT THE PASS.

I WANTED TO YELL SOMETHINGAT THEM FIRST,

BUT I'M NOT MEANOR TOUGH, I'M JUST WEIRD.

SO I WAS LIKE,WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING

THAT A FULL-GROWNMAN IN A TENNIS OUTFIT

COULD YELL AT A GROUPOF THUGGISH YOUTHS?

SO THIS IS WHAT I DID,

AS THEY APPROACHED, THEY GO,"HEY, HEY!"

BEFORE THEY COULDYELL ANYTHING, JUST--

FULL TENNIS OUTFIT,I TURNED AND I WENT,

"AHEM, FAGGOTS!"

(laughter)

I WAS IMMEDIATELY PUNISHEDFOR YELLING THAT,

BECAUSE AS I TURNEDTO RUN INTO MY BUILDING,

BECAUSE I'M A COWARD AND IDIDN'T WANT THEM TO KILL ME,

I REMEMBERED THAT TENNIS OUTFITSDON'T HAVE POCKETS

AND SO I DIDN'T HAVETHE KEYS... TO THE THING.

SO I WAS JUST LEFT OUTSIDEMY BUILDING KNOCKING,

THINKING, THIS IS GONNA BETHE WEIRDEST OBITUARY EVER.

BUT THEY DIDN'T KILL ME,THANK GOODNESS.

ALL THEY DID WAS,THE TOUGHEST-LOOKING KID,

THIS IS WHAT HE YELLED,HE JUST GOES,

"YOU TOO OLD, YOUWELFARE-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER!"

WHICH I THINKI WIN THAT ROUND.

HERE'S WHY.

LET'S IMAGINE HIM TELLINGTHE STORY LATER.

"YO, SO WE WAS WALKINGDOWN THE STREET, RIGHT?

"AND THERE'S THIS DUDE INA FULL-- FULL-GROWN GUY,

"YOU KNOW, TENNIS OUTFIT?

"YOU KNOW, MATCHING SKIRT ANDTANKTOP USED IN THE RECREATIONAL

"PLAY AND COMPETITIONOF TENNIS?

"SO HE LOOKED AT US, HE WASLIKE, 'AHEM, FAGGOTS!'

"NO, HE--NO, HE YELLED THAT AT US.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN,WHAT WAS I WEARING?

"I WAS WEARING THIS.

"SO ANYWAY,WE WALKED BY AND I WAS LIKE,

"'YOU TOO OLD, YOUWELFARE-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER!'"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOO OLDTO WHAT?

TOO--TOO OLDTO WEAR A TENNIS OUTFIT."

"YOU GOTTA CUT THATSHIT OUT AT 23."

I LIKE PUBLIC TRANSIT

BECAUSE YOU GET TOINTERACT WITH PEOPLE

THAT YOU WOULD NEVER INTERACTWITH OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW?

THE BEST THING I EVER SAWON THE TRAIN IN CHICAGO,

THERE WAS THIS KID, HE HADA SHIRT UP ABOVE HIS NIPPLES

AND HE WAS GOINGLIKE THIS...

AND I ADMIRED HIS FREEDOM.

BUT HIS FATHER THOUGHT HE WASA FUNNY GUY AND HE GOES,

LOUD ENOUGH SO THATEVERYBODY COULD HEAR, HE GOES,

"UH-OH!

"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLEWITH EXPOSED BELLIES?

BELLY SLAP!"

AND THEN HE SLAPPEDTHE KID'S BELLY,

LIKE REALLY,REALLY HARD, THOUGH.

LIKE, THE KID WAS LIKE...

SO I WANTED TOSAY SOMETHING,

SO I JUST WALKED UP TOTHE FATHER AND I WENT,

"EXCUSE ME, SIR."

"YOU GAVE YOUR WORD."

"SLAP IT."

THEY GOT OFFAT THE NEXT STOP.

I FOLLOWED THEM HOME.

I LIVED WITH THAT FAMILYFOR TWO YEARS.

GAYWAD.

SOME GUY YELLED AT MEFROM HIS TRUCK.

THAT'S GREAT,ONE GAY ISN'T ENOUGH FOR ME,

I'M A WET CLUMP OFHOMOSEXUALITY.

IS THIS GAY, THOUGH?

LAST WEEKI ROOFIED A GIRL, YEAH.

BUT WHEN SHE WAS PASSED OUT,I JUST REDID HER HAIR.

IT LOOKED TERRIBLE!

YOU GUYS LIKE TOPLAY WITH WORDS?

I'M DYSLEXIC,

AND I GOT REALLY DEPRESSEDABOUT IT RECENTLY,

SO I ENDED UPSLITTING MY ANKLES.

(laughter)

I LEFT A SUICIDE NOTE,

IT SAID,"SEE YOU LATER, CROCODILES."

I CALLED SOMEBODYAN INDIAN GIVER RECENTLY.

THEY WERE REALLY OFFENDED,SO I HAD TO TAKE IT BACK.

(laughter)

MY NAME IS T.J. MILLER.

I'M TIRED OF BEING CALLEDT. GAY BUTT FILLER.

SO LET'S CUT THAT OUT,SPECIFICALLY ON THE INTERNET.

I WANT TO BE KNOWN BY MYCHRISTIAN NAME,

BUTT FUCKER.

THAT'S WHAT MY BOYFRIEND,CHRISTIAN, CALLS ME.

I'M NOT GAY,BUT THAT'S A GREAT JOKE.

DON'T GET IN THE WAYOF YOUR OWN FUN.

THAT WE'LL NEVER BEGOOD FRIENDS

BECAUSE OFSOMETHING THAT THEY SAY,

LIKE IF WHEN YOU LIKE SOMETHINGYOU SAY "COOL BEANS."

LIKE, "COOL BEANS!

THAT'S COOL BEANS!"

THEN US BEING GOOD FRIENDSIS NOT "COOL BEANS" WITH ME.

IF YOU STILL THINK IT'S FUNNYTO SAY "GUESS WHAT?

CHICKEN BUTT!"

GUESS WHAT?WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

YOU SAY,"THAT IS SO RANDOM.

HOW RANDOM IS THAT?THAT IS, LIKE, SO RANDOM."

YOU'RE RIGHT,THAT'S VERY RANDOM,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'SCONSISTENT?

THE FACT THATWE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

AND IF WE'RE IN THE CARAND YOU SAY,

"OOH, LOOK AT THE CLOCK!

"IT'S 11:11!MAKE A WISH!"

AND 30 SECONDS LATER,YOU'RE STILL ALIVE,

MY WISH DIDN'T COME TRUE

AND WE'LLNEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

I LIKE TO GO UP TO GIRLSSOMETIMES AND GO LIKE THIS...

"SO SARAH AND I WERE--

"EXCUSE ME.

"MY EYES ARE UP HERE.

"THEY'RE NOT DOWN HERE,THEY'RE UP HERE.

"I KNOW I HAVE GLITTERHERE, YOU LOOK UP HERE.

NOW SLAP IT."

I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION FORMARIJUANA IN LOS ANGELES.

(cheering)

IT'S FOR ANXIETY.

PRIMARILY ANXIETY ABOUT GETTINGARRESTED FOR MARIJUANA.

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M TALKING TOA GUY WITH A SHORT-MAN COMPLEX--

YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS WITHA NAPOLEON COMPLEX

THAT WON'T LET YOUGET A WORD IN EDGEWISE?

WHEN I'M LISTENING TO THEM,I LIKE TO GO LIKE THIS.

"UH-HUH.

"SURE... REALLY?

"OKAY.

"AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

"NO.

"AND WHERE WAS SARAH?

"WHAT'D SHE SAY?

"NO!

"TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT.

"REALLY?

UH-UH."

AND THEN WHEN I'M SHORTER THANTHEM, I JUST GO,

"HOW'S THE WEATHER UP THERE?"

AND I PUNCHTHEM IN THE DICK.

(cheers and applause)THAT JOKE'S EVEN BETTERON PAPER.

BY SAYING THAT I DON'T KNOW

THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATIONOF THE WORD "PREFICATE."

SO I WAS READING THE "PRAH-FISS"OF THIS BOOK THE OTHER DAY,

AND I WAS LIKE,

THIS IS SO LONGIT NEEDS ITS OWN "PRE-FACHAY."

PRONUNCIATION OF THE WORD"PREFACE" JOKE

DIDN'T GO THAT WELL.

THAT'S OKAY,I GOT OTHER STUFF.

UH...

HEY, WHAT DOGAY HORSES EAT?

(all) HAY!

HORSE DICK.

(laughter)

OH, YOU LIKE THATONE BETTER, YEAH?

JUST GETTING THE INTELLECTUALBAROMETER OF THE ROOM.

I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS.

(cheering)

I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS

BECAUSE THEY'RE MORE OF ASTATEMENT THAN THEY ARE A DRINK.

YOU KNOW, THE BARTENDER'SSAYING, "WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?"

AND YOU'RE SAYING,"ALL OF IT.

"I'LL TAKE ALL OF IT,PUT IT IN A TALL BEER GLASS

"WITH A SPLASH OF COCA-COLASO NO ONE CAN SEE

HOW LONELY I AM INSIDE."

MIMOSAS ARE FUN, TOO,BECAUSE IF YOU'RE DRINKING

CHAMPAGNE AT 8:00 A.M.,YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC,

BUT IF YOU ADD ORANGE JUICE,IT'S JUST AN EARLY BRUNCH.

BUT BEWARE OF THIS, OKAY?

SOME PLACES WILL ADVERTISEBOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS.

LET ME JUST SAY THIS, OKAY?

FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE,IF BY 10:00 A.M.,

YOU'RE SO DRUNK THAT YOU'REPHYSICALLY FORCING YOUR WAITER

TO WEAR THE FRENCH TOAST CAPTHAT YOU MADE HIM,

YOU'VE REACHEDTHE BOTTOM OF THOSE MIMOSAS.

YOU'VE REACHEDTHE ROCK BOTTOM.

(cheers and applause)

CAN YOU GUYS IMAGINE

IF I HAD KETCHUP BOTTLESINSTEAD OF LEGS?

TAKE A MOMENTAND IMAGINE THAT,

IF I HAD KETCHUP BOTTLESFOR LEGS.

LOOK AT THAT.

NOW, HOW MANYOF YOU IN HERE,

WHEN YOU IMAGINEDMY LEGS AS KETCHUP BOTTLES

IMAGINED THE FAT BASE OF THEBOTTLE WHERE MY FEET WOULD BE.

BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE.HOW MANY PEOPLE, YES?

(scattered applause)

SEE, YOU'RE ALL PEOPLETHAT I CONSIDER TO BE FRIENDS

AND YOU'RE REASONABLEINDIVIDUALS, OKAY?

NOW, HOW MANY OF THE REST OF YOULIVE IN A FANCIFUL WORLD

AND YOU IMAGINED THAT I HAD THELITTLE WHITE CAPS AS MY SHOES?

(cheering)SURE, YEAH, YEAH.

LIKE THAT'SPHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.

I CAN'T BALANCE ON THOSE LITTLEKIPPY-CAPPY...

TIP-TOPPERS, OKAY?

AS SOON AS I GET ANY SPEEDGOING, I'M GONNA TRIP,

MY LEGS ARE GONNASHATTER EVERYWHERE.

HERE'S ANOTHER WEIRD THINGABOUT THE HUMAN MIND.

NOW EVERYBODY IMAGINEME WITH WINGS ON MY HEAD.

IMAGINE THAT.

WE ALL IMAGINETHE SAME THING.

THIS, RIGHT?

NOBODY IMAGINED THIS...

'CAUSE IT HURTSYOUR NOSE.

UGH, THIS WOMAN WOULDN'T LET MEHOLD HER BABY THE OTHER DAY

BECAUSE SHE SAID I WASTOO DRUNK.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, DON'TBRING YOUR BABY INTO THE BAR,

AM I RIGHT?

(laughterand scattered applause)

AND SECOND OF ALL,IF I'M DRINKING MALT LIQUOR

ON A PLAYGROUND,I CALL THAT A BAR.

YEAH. YEAH.

(cheers and applause)

I RECENTLY GOT DIVORCEDFROM MY WIFE--

EX-WIFE NOW.I KEEP SAYING "WIFE."

MY EX-WIFE OF27 YEARS, KAREN.

YOU KNOW, WHENEVER YOUSPLIT FROM SOMEONE,

WE ALWAYS WANT TO BLAMETHE OTHER PERSON, DON'T WE?

WE DO, BUT IT'S ALWAYSBOTH PEOPLE'S FAULT.

I HAD MY PART IN IT, YOU KNOW?

I WAS IRRESPONSIBLE, I DIDN'TALWAYS KEEP MY WORD, YOU KNOW?

I ASKED QUESTIONS THAT I DIDN'TREALLY WANT TO KNOW

THE ANSWER TO.

LIKE, GUYS,DON'T DO THIS.

I ASKED HER WHAT SHE THOUGHTABOUT THE SIZE, YOU KNOW?

SHE SAID ITWAS "JUST RIGHT."

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID,"JUST RIGHT."

YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

LET'S ALL THINK ABOUTTHAT AS A GROUP.

THAT MEANS SHE'SHAD A LOT SMALLER,

SHE'S ALSO HAD A LOT BIGGER,

BUT I ENDED UPBEING JUST RIGHT.

SHE'S LIKE GOLDILOCKS.SHE TRIED EVERYTHING.

BUT THE PORRIDGEWAS PENISES.

SHE'S THE GOLDILOCKS OF DICKS.

SHE'S GOLDICOCKS.

BUT, YOU KNOW,KAREN HAD HER ISSUES, TOO.

SHE HAD TRUST ISSUES,YOU KNOW?

SHE WENT THROUGH MY E-MAIL.

DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLS IN HERETHAT GO THROUGH

THEIR GUY'S E-MAIL?

(laughter)

DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLSIN HERE

THAT ARE SITTINGAS COMPLETELY STILL

SO AS NOT TO BETRAY THE FACTTHAT THEY...

NOW, WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

AND DID YOU GUYSLIKE THAT MOVE,

WHEN I ALMOSTHIT THE STOOL?

THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

I ALMOST HIT THE STOOL,I WAS ABOUT TO BACK INTO IT,

BUT INSTEAD I DID A LITTLEPIROUETTE

AND NOW EVERYTHING'S FINE,

AND IF I HADJUST NOT MENTIONED IT,

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD.

MY E-MAILS.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGHSOMEONE'S E-MAIL?

DID SHE FIND WHATSHE WAS LOOKING FOR?

DID SHE FIND SOME E-MAILTHAT WAS LIKE,

"HEY, IT'S ME, T.J., READ ALLOF THIS IN A WHISPERED TONE,

"I LOVE CHEATING ON YOUWITH MY GIRLFRIEND, OKAY?

"ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA GO, SHE'SSITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

LOVE YOU MORE THANHER, T.J.."

NO, OF COURSE NOT, OKAY?

AND SHE EVEN WENT THROUGH PASTE-MAILS, YOU KNOW?

SHE WENT THROUGH E-MAILS

THAT I HAD SENT TOA COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND,

AND WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

WAS SHE JUST LIKE, "I WANT TOHAVE A TERRIBLE WEEK,"

YOU KNOW?

SHE CAME TO ME, THIS IS TRUE,AND SHE SAID,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?YOU'RE AN UNORIGINAL JERK.

"EVERYTHING THATYOU'VE SAID TO ME

YOU'VE SAIDTO SOME OTHER GIRL."

AND I FELT AWFUL,BUT I WAS LIKE, YEAH.

OF COURSE.

THERE'S ONLY A LIMITEDAMOUNT OF WORDS

IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

THAT MAKE SENSETO SAY TO A FEMALE.

IF YOU CAN ONLY USE THEM ONCE,YOU'RE GONNA RUN OUT

AND BE LIKE,"GARBAGE TRUCK, BANANA BOAT."

WHAT DID SHE WANT ME TO DO?

DID SHE WANT ME TOMAKE UP WORDS?

I WOULD HAVE, YOU KNOW?I LOVED HER, YOU KNOW?

I WOULD HAVE GONE UP TOHER AND SAID,

"HEY, LISTEN TO ME,I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

"BUT I WOULD NEVER SAY THATBECAUSE I'VE SAID IT BEFORE.

"INSTEAD, I WANNA TELL YOU

"THAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELYFADDACKTUYAPUTZ.

"AND WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER,IT IS SO 'SHAPOONGKAYUTZ.'

"AND I'VE NEVER SAID ANY OF THISTO ANYBODY BEFORE.

BUT WHEN WE MAKE LOVE,IT IS ABSOLUTELY--

(gibberish)"

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSESHE WAS A PESSIMIST,

SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID,

"YOU PROBABLY SAID THAT TO SOMENATIVE AMERICAN GIRL."

I DON'T CARE IF YOU--I DON'TCARE IF YOU LIKE MY COMEDY

OR IF YOU THINK I'M FUNNY,IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME,

BECAUSE AFTER THE SHOW,

I'M PROBABLY GONNA GETA LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

MAYBE SOME OF THIS.

SOME OF THIS.

OR IF I'M REALLY LUCKY,TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGHT

I GET WHAT I'VE ALWAYSBEEN LOOKING FOR.

A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'SWEIRD ABOUT THAT ONE?

THOSE OF YOU THAT DIDN'TLIKE IT DON'T KNOW WHY.

I'D LIKE TO DO SOMECHARACTERS FOR YOU GUYS.

THESE ARE REALLYSHORT AND STRANGE,

SO IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE MOREABSTRACT MATERIAL,

THEN YOU'REDEFINITELY NOT GONNA LIKE THIS.

JUST BEAR WITH ME.IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON.

THIS FIRST CHARACTER,THIS IS LIKE A HIP-HOP GUY,

BUT WHEN HE LAUGHS, HE LAUGHSLIKE A YOUNG ASIAN SCHOOLGIRL.

YO, WHAT'S UP, DUDE,YOU GOING TO THE CLUB LATER?

YEAH,I'M ABOUT TO HIT THAT UP.

IF I'M LUCKY, I'LL BE HITTINGSOMETHING ELSE UP LATER ON,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THIS NEXT CHARACTER...

THIS A GUY WHO DOESN'TKNOW HOW TO USE THE WORD

"CLUSTERFUCK" CORRECTLY.

HEY, YOU KNOW THAT WAITRESSI WAS WITH LAST NIGHT?

TOTALLY CLUSTERFUCKED HER.

THIS NEXT CHARACTER,THIS IS A GUY WHO,

WHENEVER HE'S TRYING TO THINK OFSOMETHING, HE HUMS TO HIMSELF,

BUT THE ONLY MUSIC HE'SEVER HEARD IS HEAVY METAL.

HOW LONG HAVEI LIVED HERE?

I HAVE TO THINKABOUT THAT.

(violent humming)

OH, ABOUT SIX MONTHS.

(laughter and applause)

THANK YOU.

THIS NEXT CHARACTER,

THIS IS A GUY WHOSE FAVORITE BARIS A GAY BAR,

BUT HE DOESN'TKNOW THAT IT'S A GAY BAR.

YOU GUYS WANNA GO TOMY FAVORITE PLACE?

YEAH, IT'SCALLED THE MANHOLE.

YEAH, IT'S A LOT OF FUN.

YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTIF IT GETS HOT

AND THEY HAVE HOLESIN THE BATHROOM STALLS

SO YOU CAN PLAY TRICKSON EACH OTHER,

LIKE, WHAT AREYOU DOING IN THERE?

THIS NEXT CHARACTER,

THIS IS A ROBOT WHO'S ABOUT TOGET BUSY ON THE DANCE FLOOR

BY DOING "THE PERSON."

(robotic voice)ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS THING.

I'M GONNA DO "THE PERSON."

I HAVE EMOTIONSAND I NEED TO EAT TO LIVE.

FROM TALKINGREALLY DIRTY IN THE BEDROOM.

OH, YEAH, YOU WANT SOME OFTHIS SOGGY CHURRO, HUH?

COME GET SOME OF THISLIMP BROKEN BABY'S ARM.

LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET THISWET NOODLE AL DENTE.

THAT WAS TOO MUCH,PROBABLY.

YEAH, SORRY.A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

OH, THEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOTGONNA LIKE THIS ONE.

SO THIS IS A GIRL THATWHENEVER SHE GETS HER PERIOD,

SHE TALKS ABOUT IT A LOT

BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT'S REALLYCUTE AND FUNNY.

BUT IT'S NOT,IT'S HER PERIOD,

AND IT'S PRIVATEAND SHE DOESN'T NEED TO

TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE TO GO TOTHE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM.

YEAH, I HAVEA LITTLE VISIT FROM AUNT FLO.

IT'S A CRIMSON WAVE DOWN THERE,SO SAVE ME SOME CALAMARI.

NO MARINARA,THOUGH, I BROUGHT MY OWN!

(groans and applause)

(cheers and applause)

(air raid siren wailing)

SO THIS NEXTCHARACTER...

(laughter)

THIS IS A GIRLWHO'S IN LAS VEGAS,

AND SHE DESPERATELY WANTS TO USETHE SLOGAN FOR LAS VEGAS,

BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOWHOW OR WHY OR WHEN TO USE IT.

HEY, YOU GUYS, I HAVEA BOILED EGG IN MY PANTIES!

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGASSTAYS IN VEGAS!

WHO PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE QUITWHILE HE WAS AHEAD.

(cheers and applause)

THIS IS A SOUTHERN BELLEWHO'S VERY UNATTRACTIVE

SO WHEN SHEWALKS DOWN THE STREET,

SHE HAS TO WHISTLE AT HERSELFTO GET PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.

(wolf whistle)

WHY DON'T YOUTAKE A PICTURE?

IT'LL LAST LONGER.

HERE'S A CAMERA.

THANKS, BYE-BYE, NOW.

WHOOPS, CAUGHT--

WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU LOOK--

EXCUSE ME?

WHOOPS,CAUGHT YOU LOOKING!

(laughter and applause)

THIS IS A GUY WHO--

WHENEVER SOMETHING GOES RIGHTFOR HIM, HE CELEBRATES,

BUT FOR TOO LONGAND IN THE WRONG WAY.

HEY, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE MIAMIHEAT COVERED THE SPREAD?

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH!

NOTICE THE ARMS!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(cheers and applause)

I JUST WANNA TELLYOU GUYS ONE MORE STORY.

SORRY THERE'SSO MUCH CONFETTI ON YOU.

(laughs) THIS GUY'S COVEREDIN CONFETTI.

HOW OFTEN DOESTHAT HAPPEN, THOUGH?

WOULDN'T IT BE WEIRD IF YOU WERELIKE, "PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY"?

HE'S HAD THE WEIRDEST LIFE.

SO I'M GONNA TELL ONE LASTSTORY, IT'S A TRUE STORY.

I REALLY LIKE MAKING A FACE

WHEN I GETMY DRIVERS LICENSE PHOTO TAKEN,

BUT IT'S ILLEGAL IN CALIFORNIA.

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT,BECAUSE I KNOW,

'CAUSE I CALLED AND I ASKED.

AND THEY SAID IFYOU MAKE A FACE,

THEN THEY HAVE TO RETAKETHE PHOTOGRAPH

AND IF YOU DO IT THREE TIMES,

THEN YOU DON'T GET YOURLICENSE FOR THE DAY,

AND I WAS REALLY BUMMED OUT.

BUT THEN I CAME UP WITH WHATI THINK IS ONE OF THE BEST IDEAS

THAT I'VE EVER HAD.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DOIF YOU WALK INTO THE DMV...

ALREADY MAKING THE FACE?

NOW, YOU GOTTA PICK A FACETHAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE

YOU'RE MAKING A FACE,

BUT YOU STILLWANNA LOOK WEIRD,

SO THE ONE I WENT WITHWAS THIS ONE...

'CAUSE THERE'SPEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE THAT,

AND THAT'S WHAT I HELD FORAN HOUR AND 25 MINUTES.

IT'S TRUE, THIS IS TRUE.

I WENT THROUGHEVERY SINGLE LINE,

I DID, I WAS LIKE,"HERE YOU GO!"

(laughter)

I WASN'T EVEN SITTING,I WAS JUST CROUCHING.

SO I WENT ALL THE WAY THROUGH

AND I GAVE HIM MY STUFFAND I WAS LIKE, "HERE YOU GO!"

WHICH I DON'T KNOW WHY I CHANGEDMY VOICE, I DIDN'T NEED TO,

I GUESS I JUSTTHOUGHT IT MATCHED,

BUT THE GUY IN THE PHOTOGRAPHYLINE--THIS IS ALL TRUE--

HE WASN'T EVEN LOOKING,HE WAS ON THE COMPUTER,

AND WHEN HE LOOKED UPAND SAW MY FACE,

I SWEAR TO GOD,HE WENT LIKE THIS, HE GOES,

(gasps and shudders)

NOW, I REALIZE THAT I'M THE ONECREATING THE MISCHIEF HERE,

BUT IF YOUR REFLEXIVE REACTION

TO A STRANGE-LOOKINGINDIVIDUAL

IS (gasps and shudders)

PERHAPS DON'T WORK IN THEPHOTOGRAPHY SECTION...

OF THE DMV.

SO MY PAPERWORK WASALL IN ORDER, HE--

ALL HE COULD SAY WAS, "OKAY,GO STAND BEHIND THE WHITE LINE,"

AND AS I TURNED,I BEGAN TO LAUGH

AND I HAD TO COMPOSE MYSELF,

BECAUSE I REMEMBERED THAT THEONLY THING THAT HE CAN SAY TO ME

WHEN IT CAME TIME TO TAKEA PHOTOGRAPH WAS,

"SMILE."

AND I REALIZEDTHAT THIS GUY...

WHEN HE SMILES,CAN LOOK REAL WEIRD.

SO I GOT READY TO TAKETHE PHOTOGRAPH, YOU KNOW,

I STOOD BEHIND THE WHITE LINE,I WAS LIKE...

THE GUY'S LIKE,"OKAY, YOU ALL SET?"

I'M LIKE--

HE'S LIKE, "OKAY, SMILE."

PFF! AND THAT'S WHAT'S ON MYCALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE.

(cheers and applause)

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