Wednesday, September 16, 2015

  • 09/16/2015

Heather Anne Campbell, Jon Daly and James Adomian welcome Bernie Sanders to the show, list #SexyStarWars puns and deliver a toast at an upscale Taco Bell.

LET'S EXPOSE THE SEEMY, PASTY,WHITE UNDERBELLY OF OUR

POLITICAL PROCESS FORPANDERDOME.

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: YOU SEEM AS

PUZZLED BY THE GRAPHIC AS IAM.

>> ARE THOSE LIKE SPIDERPEOPLE?

>> Chris: YEAH, I DON'TKNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

>> THIS THAT IS THE 99PERCENT BEING SHUT OUT OF

THE POLITICAL PROCESS.

>> Chris: OKAY, GOOD, OFCOURSE.

YOU KNOW I WILL GIVE YOU AHUNDRED POINTS FOR THAT

BERNIE SANDERS, WELL DONE.

>> MY POINTS ARE YOUR POINTS.

>> Chris: OKAY.

LET'S TAKE A HUNDRED POINTSAWAY FROM BERNIE SANDERS

AND GIVE THEM TO THE CROWD.

>> THAT'S FAIR.

>> Chris: JESSE WATTERS ISA FOX NEWS REPORTER AND WHAT'S

IN THE DICTIONARY WHEN YOULOOK UP "STEPDAD."

HE IS KNOWN FOR CLASSLESSAMBUSH INTERVIEWS

LIKE THE ONE HE SPRUNG ONBERNIE SANDERS IN THE HALLS

OF CONGRESS. TAKE A LOOK.

>> I DON'T DO AMBUSHINTERVIEWS.

IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO US,THERE IS MY PRESS SECRETARY.

>> I DO DO AMBUSH INTERVIEWS,AND I JUST HAD A QUESTION

FOR YOU-- EXCUSE ME.

>> DON'T PUSH ME.

>> Chris: OH.

>> LOOKING GOOD, LOOKINGGOOD.

>> Chris: SO COMEDIANS, OLDSIDEBURN SANDERS TOOK THE

HIGH ROAD THERE, BUT IF HEHAD BEEN LESS OF A GENTLEMAN,

HOW SHOULD HE HAVE RESPONDEDTO THIS DICKBAG?

>> OUT OF MY WAY, KID.

I HAVE HAD SKIN TAGS BIGGERTHAN YOU BURNED OFF OF MY

EYELIDS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS,POINTS.

HEATHER ANNE CAMPBELL.

>> LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M BUSYBUILDING A DELOREAN FOR

MARTY.

>> POINTS, THAT'S AGOOD-- THAT'S A SICK BURN.

THAT'S A SICK BERN BURN.

>> Chris: BERNIE.

>> I DID PREPARE A WRITTENRESPONSE, YOU KNOW, OFFICIAL

WRITTEN RESPONSE TO THE FOXNEWS SETTLEMENT I GOT.

I GUESS I WILL READ IT NOW.

"LISTEN YOU [BLEEP] FASCIST[BLEEP]-SUCKING [BLEEP], YOU

WANT TO MESS WITH THE BERN?

YOU ARE GOING TO BE[BLEEP]ING BLOOD AFTER MY

[BLEEP] IS DONE WITH YOU.

I'M FROM BROOKLYNMOTHER[BLEEP]."

(APPLAUSE)>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: I GOT TO SAY, IKIND OF WISH YOU DID GIVE

MORE AMBUSH INTERVIEWS.

A HUNDRED POINTS TOBERNIE SANDERS FOR THAT.

HE'S REALLY COMING OUTSWINGING. DR. BEN CARSON IS

EMERGING AS THE TOP REPUBLICANCHALLENGER TO TRUMP

WHICH IS A FUN AND TERRIFYINGSENTENCE TO SAY OUT LOUD.

DESPITE BEING A WORLD-RENOWNEDNEUROSURGEON, CARSON HAS

PUBLICLY STATED THE GLOBALWARMING DEBATE IS QUOTE

"IRRELEVANT" AND THAT BEING GAYIS A CHOICE.

COOL.

ADD TO THE FACT THAT TEDCRUZ AND MIKE HUCKABEE DON'T

BELIEVE IN THE SEPARATION OFCHURCH AND STATE, AND WE'VE GOT

OURSELVES A LAUGH OLYMPICS,GUYS.

OH, JESUS CHRIST, WE'REBECOMING "IDIOCRACY."

ALL YOU CAN DO IS LAUGH ANDCLAP THROUGH THE HORROR.

WITH POSITIONS THAT FRESH,YOU KNOW HE HAS SICK MECH

TO APPEAL TO MILLENNIALS.WHICH ONE OF THESE

SNL CATCHPHRASE DERIVATIVESLOGANS APPEARS

ON AN OFFICIAL BEN CARSONT-SHIRT?

>> B, I'VE GOT A FEVER ANDTHE ONLY PRESCRIPTION IS

MORE CARSON.

>> Chris: UNFORTUNATELY,THAT'S THE RIGHT ONE.

UNFORTUNATELY.

>> OH NO!

>> Chris: COMEDIAN, WHAT ISANOTHER SNL CATCHPHRASE

CARSON COULD USE?

HEATHER.

>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK I'M ANOUT OF TOUCH [BLEEP]ING

MONSTER!

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

>> TRUE.

>> Chris: BERNIE.

>> TRUMP, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT ILOVE: "STAR WARS" AND SEX AND

IN THAT ORDER.

THAT IS WHY--IT IS EASIERFOR ME TO GET "STAR WARS."

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#SEXYSTARWARS. EXAMPLES MIGHT

BE: THE EMPIRE GOT BACK, ORR2-DEEZ NUTS.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> JON DALY.

>> PRINCESS GAY-A FOR PAY-A.

>> Chris: HEATHER ANN CAMPBELL.

>> HAN SHOT FIRST.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

>> BERNIE.

>> MILLENNIUM FORESKIN.

>> Chris: JON.

>> LUKE CRY[BLEEP]ER.

>> Chris: LUKE WOULD TOTALLYCRY DURING SEX, OF COURSE HE

WOULD, ABSOLUTELY WOULD.

>> THE BROWN DEATHSTAR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> COME ON.

>> Chris: BERNIE.

>> LGBT-3PO.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: HEATHER.

>> USE THE FIST, LUKE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BERNIE SANDERS.

>> JABBA THE SLUT-SHAMINGMUST COME TO AN END NOW.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

HEATHER.

>> BB-8 ME OUT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS. BERNIE.

>> BLOW ME WAN-KENOBI.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY SCANDAL IN THE WIND.

SCANDAL IN THE WIND.

JON WAS MAKING FUN OF BERNIESANDERS AT THE COMMERCIAL

BREAK.

>> GIVE ME ALL THE POINTS.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR,JUST BECAUSE I GARGLE WITH

MILK DUDS, TO MAKE FUN OF MYVOICE.

AND SINCE YOU BROUGHT UP THEPOINTS I DO WANT TO POINT

OUT I'M BEHIND ON THE SCORENATIONALLY BUT IN NEW

HAMPSHIRE AND IOWA I AMAHEAD ON POINTS.

AND THAT'S BECAUSE OF YOU.

>> Chris: THAT'S GOOD.

YOU HAVE GOOD POINTS.

MOVING ON, SINCE THE ADVENTOF PHOTOGRAPHY POLITICIANS

HAVE BEEN GETTING CAUGHT INSCANDALOUS SITUATIONS

LIKE THIS SHAMEFUL PHOTO OFMARTIN VAN BUREN.

HE HAD GLAUCOMA, DON'TJUDGE.

BUT BY TALKING YOUR WAY OUTOF TROUBLE-- WHAT ARE YOU-- WAIT

BERNIE, COME HERE A SECOND,BERNIE, COME HERE.

BERNIE SANDERS.

>> HOLD ON, FOLKS.

I THINK, THERE IS ARESEMBLANCE HERE.

>>WHOA.

>>WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

I DON'T SEE IT.

>> Chris: ARE YOU-- (APPLAUSE)

ARE YOU-- WAIT A MINUTE.

>> I HAVE JUST ENOUGH HAIRAND I'M ALSO EXACTLY BALD

ENOUGH TO BE PRESIDENT OFTHE UNITED STATES.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, ALLRIGHT.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

(APPLAUSE)>> Chris: TALKING YOUR WAY

OUT OF TROUBLE IS APOLITICAL TRADITION.

SO WE HAD OUR @MIDNIGHTPAPARAZZI CATCH A FEW

CANDIDATES IN COMPROMISINGPOSITIONS AND OUR PANEL WILL

DO THEIR DAMAGE CONTROL. FOR250 POINTS PUT A POSITIVE

SPIN ON THESE RATHERSALACIOUS PICTURES.

HEATHER, WE WILL START WITH YOU.

YOU WILL BE HILLARYCLINTON'S SPIN DOCTOR HERE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAYABOUT YOUR CANDIDATE?

>> ALL RIGHT, AS HILLARY'SPR HERE I WANT TO SAY THE

TATTOO WASN'T FINISHED. IT ISSUPPOSED TO SAY

"NICKELBACK RULES: RULE #1, NONICKELBACK."

>> OKAY.

SO IT WAS JUST NOT DONE YET.

>> YEAH, NOT DONE.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

BUT HILLARY DIDN'T STOP WITHGETTING INK, SHE ALSO WAS --

THERE.

>> OKAY, OKAY.

>> Chris: EXACTLY.

HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THISONE?

>> WELL, TO BE FAIR, PUTINWANTED BAREBACK AND SHE

TALKED HIM DOWN TO HORSEBACK.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

WELL DONE, HEATHER ANNECAMPBELL. YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY

NAVIGATED A LOT OFSCANDALS FOR HILLARY

CLINTON.

JON DALY, YOU WILL BE TAKING THEROLE OF SPIN DOCTOR ON

BEHALF OF DONALD TRUMP. GOOD[BLEEP] LUCK.

LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN EXPLAINWHAT MR. TRUMP WAS UP TO

HERE, JON DALY, HUH?

WAIT, WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUTTHAT?

>> THIS LOOKS BAD BUT AS WE'VECOVERED, MR. TRUMP HAS HAD

TROUBLE WITH HIS BUSINESSES.

AND ACTUALLY IN THIS HE WASJUST LOOKING FOR A CHEAP WAY

TO DEMOLISH TWO CASINOS.

>> Chris: NO!

>> OH YEAH.

>> WOW.

>> Chris: BERNIE SANDERS YOUARE UP NEXT.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WERE CAUGHTDOING.

WHAT'S THIS BUSINESS?

WHAT IS THAT?

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN WHAT'SHAPPENING

AND HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS?

>> THERE IS NOTHING WRONGWITH SHARING A BATHTUB WITH

GUY FIERI.

TWO MEN BATHING TOGETHER ISTHE RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO

IN THE MIDDLE OF A WATERCRISIS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

>> AND THAT IS ORGANICVERMONT SYRUP THAT WE'RE

DRINKING.

>> Chris: OH YOU'RE DOING SYRUPSHOTS, ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE,BERNIE SANDERS?

>> LOOK, I AM PROUD OF THAT.

I DON'T HIDE THAT FROM MYRECORD.

I'M PROUD OF THAT BECAUSE ITHINK THAT ALL WORKERS

DESERVE A LIVING WAGE.

I FOUGHT FOR THAT.

AND ALSO WOMEN DESERVE EQUALPAY WITH MEN!

AND ALSO IF YOU SIMPLY TALKIN THIS CADENCE AND POINT

YOUR FINGER IN A CERTAIN WAY YOU WILL FORCE AN AUDIENCE

TO APPLAUD AT A CERTAIN PERIODOF TIME.

>> Chris: HE'S REALLY GOOD.

WE HAVE A CANDIDATE ON THESHOW TONIGHT.

WE'RE VERY EXCITED.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOUABOUT TACO BELL'S NEW BOOZEY

VENTURE AND ASKED TO YOUGIVE US YOUR BEST

SLOSHED-ON-SLUSHIES TOAST.

LET'S HEAR THEM. JON DALY, LET'SSTART WITH YOU.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOUALL ATTENDING THIS FUNERAL.

KID ROCK WAS A GOOD MAN.

YOU'RE NOW WELCOME TOAPPROACH THE CASKET, JUST

DON'T HIT YOUR NOSE ON THESNEEZE GUARD.

>> Chris: HE WOULD HAVE ASNEEZE GUARD.

HEATHER ANN CAMPBELL.

>> GUYS, THIS IS THE BESTBIRTHDAY EVER. IT DOESN'T

GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

BERNIE SANDERS.

>> YES, THANK YOU.

YO QUIERO $15 AN HOUR.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

>> AND I THINK THAT'S FAIR.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY CITIZEN[BLEEP].

>> Chris: EMILY BLUNTRECENTLY BECAME AN AMERICAN

CITIZEN AND TO USHER INTHIS RITE OF PASSAGE SHE WAS

PROMPTLY CALLED UNAMERICAN BYFOX NEWS MANNEQUINES FOR

JOKING THAT WATCHING THE LASTREPUBLICAN DEBATE MADE

HER THINK TWICE ABOUT BECOMING A CITIZEN. TAKE A LISTEN.

>> SHE JUST DIXIE CHECKEDHERSELF.

SHE HAS ALIENATED HALF THECOUNTRY THAT NOW WILL THINK

TWICE ABOUT GOING TO ONE OFHER MOVIES.

>> Chris: WELL [BLEEP] ALLTHOSE [BLEEP]BOT ANDROIDS.

(APPLAUSE)>> [BLEEP] THEM.

[BLEEP] THEM IN THEIRSTEPFORD ASSHOLES.

>> THEY'RE SEXY. IWANT TO [BLEEP] THESE

PEOPLE.

>> OH.

>> Chris: BY THE WAY, ITHOUGHT DIXIE CHICKING

YOURSELF WAS WHAT WERE MOMSDID IN THE BATHTUB WHILE

THEIR KIDS ARE AT SOCCERPRACTICE.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THATWAS-- ANYWAY, IT'S TIME TO

UPDATE WHAT IT TAKES TOBECOME AN AMERICAN.

PLEASE GIVE ME AS MANY NEWCITIZENSHIP REQUIREMENTS AS

YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK. BEGIN.

>> YOU MUST PITY-EAT ATLONG JOHN SILVERS TO KEEP IT

OPEN.

>> Chris: OKAY.

JON.

>> YOU HAVE TO MURDER THELAST AMERICAN BISON WITH TED

NUGENT IN A DODGE DURANGO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BERNIE SANDERS.

>> MUST SUMMARIZE THECONSTITUTION USING ONLY

EMOJI.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

DID YOU SAY "EMO-GEES?">> I SAID "EMOJIS."

>> YOU HAVE TO CEMENT OVER ANATIONAL PARK TO REBOOT

PLANET HOLLYWOOD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BERNIE SANDERS.

>> YOU MUST SUBMIT A WRITTENESSAY DESCRIBING YOUR MOST

RECENT HALLUCINOGENICEXPERIENCE.

>> Chris: ONE MORE.

>> YOU MUST NOT SWEARALLEGIANCE TO ANY KING

EXCEPT BURGER KING.