CC Presents: Adam Ferrara

  • 12/31/2000

I LOVE THIS GIRL.

I KNOW I LOVE HER, 'CAUSE SHE

TOLD ME.

(LAUGHTER)

GETTING A GIRLFRIEND IS LIKE

JOINING THE ARMY: YOU GET A

HAIRCUT, NEW CLOTHES, AND ALL

THE INFORMATION'S GIVEN TO YOU

ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS ONLY.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE MOVED IN AND A LOT OF MY

STUFF DIDN'T MAKE IT IN THE

MERGER.

OH, IT WAS A HOSTILE TAKEOVER.

I FELT LIKE A FLOOD VICTIM.

I WAS LIKE THAT GUY YOU SEE ON

THE NEWS.

"IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.

JUST-- WHOOSH!-- ALL GONE.

I GUESS I'LL REBUILD OR

SOMETHING."

SHE MOVED IN, ORGANIZED

EVERYTHING.

SHE EVEN YELLED AT THE ROACHES

AND GOT THEM TO HELP OUT.

I CAME HOME THE OTHER DAY.

THE ROACHES WERE VACUUMING LIKE,

"WATCH YOUR FEET!

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT ASKED HER TO

MOVE IN.

AT LEAST THE OTHER GIRLS WERE

SCARED OF US.

THIS CHICK'S NEVER GONNA DIE.

YOU KNOW THAT.

IF THERE'S EVER NUCLEAR FALLOUT,

ALL THAT'S GONNA BE LEFT IS US

AND HER.

AND WE DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE."

YOU LEARN A LOT WHEN YOU LIVE

WITH A WOMAN.

DID YOU KNOW PICTURES BELONG IN

FRAMES?

I HUNG MINE UP WITH TAPE.

AND THAT'S WRONG.

SHE SAID, "WHY DID YOU HANG YOUR

PICTURES UP WITH TAPE?"

"BECAUSE I GOT TIRED OF DOING

THIS."

(LAUGHTER)

I ALSO FOUND OUT MY BATHROOM

HABITS ARE DEPLORABLE.

"HOW COME WHEN YOU TAKE A

SHOWER, THE WATER GETS ALL OVER

THE PLACE?"

"HONEY, THE WATER'S SHOOTING OUT

OF THE WALL.

WHEN IT HITS YOU, IT BOUNCES

OFF.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S A CURTAIN."

"NO, NO, NO. IT'S YOU.

YOU'RE IN THERE SPLASHING

AROUND."

"WHAT DO YOU THINK, THERE'S A

SLIDE IN THERE?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M PLAYING POOL GAMES BY

MYSELF?"

"MARCO."

"POLO."

"MARCO."

"POLO."

AND WHEN YOU--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

'CAUSE SHE ALWAYS SCREAMS AT ME,

"WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THE TUB,

THE BATHMAT IS SOAKING WET."

"OH, GOD FORBID MY FEET TOUCH

THE PRECIOUS BATHMAT."

THAT'S ONE OF THE SACRED

ARTIFACTS I CAN'T GO NEAR IN

THIS MUSEUM WE'RE LIVING IN,

LIKE THE SOAP THAT'S ONLY FOR

COMPANY OR THE GUEST TOWELS THAT

I CAN'T TOUCH.

"WHEN ARE THESE FILTHY PEOPLE

SHOWING UP TO WASH THEMSELVES?

WILL YOU TELL ME?

'CAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE THEY

SMELL THE DEAD, FERMENTING

FLOWER PETALS."

"THAT'S POTPOURRI."

"IT'S A BUCKET OF MULCH, LADY.

DON'T LIE TO ME."

(APPLAUSE)

I KNOW SHE'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE

THINGS NICE, SO I DO MY PART.

NOW WHEN I GET UP TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

NIGHT, I TURN ON THE LIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

I USED TO JUST GO BY SONAR.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST KEEP PEEING TILL YOU HEAR

WATER.

(APPLAUSE)

"TARGET ACQUIRED."

OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER IN

THE MORNING.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN

HERE?"

"MUST BE THE HUMIDITY."

(LAUGHTER)

"HUMIDITY DOESN'T SMELL LIKE

ASPARAGUS."

"THAT WOULD BE THE POTPOURRI."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT WE GET ALONG, THOUGH.

WE DO.

WE PLAY THIS NEW GAME AROUND THE

HOUSE CALLED "DOES THIS BELONG

HERE?"

THAT'S A LOT OF FUN.

(LAUGHTER)

THE GAME STARTS WHEN I'M JUST

ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP.

THAT'S WHEN SHE'LL HOLD

SOMETHING UP, "DOES THIS BELONG

HERE?"

"NO.

YOU WIN."

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THEY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU

REST.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT A

SLEEPING MAN JUST DRIVES WOMEN

NUTS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT

THEY GO CRAZY.

"LOOK AT HIM, JUST LAYING THERE

RESTING.

HE SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING!

OR AT LEAST ANSWERING ONE OF MY

INANE QUESTIONS."

(LAUGHTER)

OH, AS SOON AS YOU LAY DOWN,

THAT'S WHEN THE MOST BIZARRE

THINGS START COMING OUT OF HER

MOUTH.

"GOOD NIGHT, BABY."

"DO YOU THINK WE WERE TOGETHER

IN A PAST LIFE?"

(LAUGHTER)

"YEAH, AND I DIED OF SLEEP

DEPRIVATION.

GO TO BED."

"DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE WE'RE SOUL

MATES?"

"HONEY, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE CELL

MATES.

IT'S LIGHTS OUT.

COME ON!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S IMPORTANT I GET MY REST.

I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING

AND FETCH HER THINGS.

OH, WHENEVER SHE USES THE PHRASE

"I WAS THINKING," THAT MEANS

I EITHER HAVE TO MOVE, PAINT OR

BUY SOMETHING.

SHE SENDS ME OUT TO GET STUFF,

AND I NEVER GET THE RIGHT STUFF.

"HOW COME YOU DON'T GET THE

RIGHT STUFF?"

"BECAUSE I'M A FRIGGIN' IDIOT.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?"

NOW SHE PINS A NOTE TO MY SHIRT

LIKE I'M A 4-YEAR-OLD.

"TELL THE MAN YOU WANT THIS."

(BABY VOICE) "MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS

I HAVE TO BRING THIS HOME.

(LAUGHTER)

CAN YOU PUT IT IN MY BACKPACK?"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND GETS UPSET,

THE ROOM FILLS UP WITH THIS

PISSED MIST.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE THE FOG IN A WEREWOLF

MOVIE.

YOU COME HOME.

(MAKES A MIST SOUND)

"BABY, ARE YOU..."

(SHIVERING)

"HONEY, ARE YOU..."

(GROWLING)

(LAUGHTER)

AND THE WORST IS WHEN YOU GET

THAT VIBE IN THE CAR ON THE RIDE

HOME.

WE WERE OUT SOMEWHERE, AND I

THOUGHT I HAD A GOOD TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

"I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF

TONIGHT, BABY.

DID YOU HAVE A GOOD..."

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

"JUST LET ME GET HOME BEFORE SHE

GOES OFF, MAN."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DRIVING

LIKE A MANIAC FOR?"

"I'M TRYING TO OUTRUN THE

FIGHT."

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S NO NEED TO RUSH,

GENTLEMEN.

THAT FIGHT WILL BE THERE.

AND I'VE DONE THE MATH.

LADIES, YOU'RE GONNA WIN 98% OF

THOSE FIGHTS.

(WOMEN APPLAUD)

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY.

IT'S NOT THAT YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S JUST THAT WE GET TIRED...

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE YOU JUST WEAR US DOWN.

IT DOESN'T EVEN SOUND LIKE WORDS

ANYMORE.

"AB-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA."

"DOWN, DINO, DOWN."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KEEP INTERROGATING US

BECAUSE YOU THINK WE KNOW WHAT

WE DID.

"HONEY, IS THERE SOMETHING

WRONG?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID."

"HONEY, I GOT NO IDEA."

"WELL, IF YOU DON'T KNOW,

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU."

"FINE.

THEN DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN

THIS (BLEEP) HAPPENS AGAIN."

WHAT HAPPENED, LADIES?

DID SOME GREAT-GRANDMOTHER SIT

YOU DOWN WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE

GIRLS LIKE, "NOW,

DON'T TELL THEM, DEAR.

OH-HO!

IT DRIVES 'EM CRAZY."

'CAUSE I KNOW MY

GREAT-GRANDFATHER TOLD ME,

"OH, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I DRINK IN THE

MORNING."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU WON'T TELL US WHAT THE

PROBLEM IS.

DO YOU KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING THAT

IS?

DO YOU KNOW WHY MEN GO BALD?

FROM DOING THIS: "WHAT DO YOU

WANT FROM ME?!"

'CAUSE WE DON'T KNOW.

EVERYTHING WE SAY IS WRONG.

BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE

BEING IN A.A.

MY FRIENDS ASK ME, "HOW'S IT

GOING WITH THAT GIRL?"

"ONE DAY AT A TIME, MAN.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WRONG

TODAY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT

TOMORROW'S GONNA BRING."

"HI.

MY NAME IS ADAM, AND I'M A

BOYFRIEND.

IT'S BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST

DECISION.

I FELT THE URGE TO HAVE AN

OPINION THE OTHER DAY, BUT THANK

GOD MY SPONSOR CAME OVER.

AND WE SAT DOWN TILL THAT

FEELING WENT AWAY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEGATIVE ENERGY.

DON'T LET IT BUILD UP.

YOU END UP SCREAMING AT EACH

OTHER OVER SOMETHING TOTALLY

STUPID, LIKE, "WHY'D YOU PUT

THIS SPOON IN THIS DRAWER?"

"JUST TO PISS YOU OFF.

THAT'S WHY.

I GOT SPOONS HIDDEN ALL OVER

THIS HOUSE.

(APPLAUSE)

KEEP IT UP AND YOUR NAPKIN RINGS

ARE GONNA START DISAPPEARING."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M PRETTY SURE MRS. LINCOLN GOT

ABE KILLED.

ABE WAS HOME TRYING TO SOLVE THE

CIVIL WAR.

MRS. LINCOLN, "TAKE ME OUT;

TAKE ME OUT; TAKE ME OUT.

I WANT TO GO TO THE THEATRE,

ABRAHAM."

"HONEY, THE COUNTRY'S AT WAR."

"OH, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH

YOU.

YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME WE WERE

OUT?

FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO."

(LAUGHTER)

LINCOLN'S SITTING UP IN THE

BALCONY LIKE, "OH, SOMEBODY

SHOOT ME."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND WHISTLING)

YOU KNOW, THE HARDEST PART OF

THAT JOKE IS THE DISMOUNT.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I AM.

I'M VERY HAPPY.

AND I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY.

LADIES, YOUR HAPPINESS IS VERY

IMPORTANT TO US.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY,

YOU'LL LET US TOUCH YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

SEX IS IMPORTANT TO GUYS.

WE NEED STORIES TO TELL OUR

FRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND MEN TEND TO LIE WHEN IT

COMES TO SEXUAL CONQUEST.

YOU SHOULD HEAR SOME OF THE

EGO-DRIVEN LIES MY FRIENDS HAVE

TOLD ME.

"SWEAR TO GOD, MAN, THE HOOKER

GAVE THE MONEY BACK."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S THE EGO THAT MAKES US LIE.

MY EGO'S OUT OF CONTROL.

MY EGO TALKS TO ME.

"YOU THE MAN."

"NO-- YOU THINK?"

"MM-HMM."

"NO. THAT AIN'T ME, MAN."

"SUPER FLY."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW HOW BIG MY EGO IS?

I WAS MAKING LOVE TO THIS GIRL.

IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, SHE HAD AN

ASTHMA ATTACK.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS A GOD.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"WHO'S THE KING?

WHO'S THE KING?"

"INHALER; INHALER."

"THAT'S IT.

BREATHE, BABY, BREATHE."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT MONOGAMY THING IS A LOT

HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS

GONNA BE.

AFTER A SHOW, THE GIRLS COME UP

TO YOU, "YOU'RE FUNNY."

"THANKS.

I GOT TO GO SLAM MY (BLEEP) IN A

DRAWER RIGHT NOW."

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I TRULY LOVE THIS WOMAN.

BUT I HAVE THE ABILITY TO HAVE

SEX WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL

INVOLVEMENT.

IT'S A GIFT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND, LADIES, YOU KNOW THE GUYS

YOU CAME HERE WITH TONIGHT?

THEY HAVE THE SAME CAPACITY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SEX IS JUST THE END RESULT.

I ALSO MISS THE HUNT.

ALL GUYS LOVE THE HUNT.

THE SMELL OF PERFUME FILLS

THE CRISP NIGHT AIR.

A DISTANT GIRL GIGGLE.

(GIGGLES)

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

"SHOE SALE!

(LAUGHTER)

SHOE SALE!"

(APPLAUSE)

BUT I'M NOT GONNA MESS AROUND.

I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND TOO MUCH.

I LOVE TEASING HER.

TEASING GIRLS IS SOMETHING I'M

NEVER GONNA GROW OUT OF, MAN.

I'M GONNA BE 90 YEARS OLD.

"HA, PULL MY FINGER."

EVERY GUY IN HERE HAS SOME KIND

OF WEIRD, FREAKAZOID FACE HIS

GIRLFRIEND JUST HATES.

(MAKING NOISE)

"STOP IT!"

(LAUGHTER)

I LIKE TEASING HER IN PUBLIC.

WE WERE IN THE MALL.

WE WERE AT THE GAP BUYING

KHAKIS.

I CAME OUT OF THE DRESSING ROOM.

SHE IS LIKE, "HOW DO YOU LIKE

'EM?"

"CRAZY!

COOL!"

♪ (SCAT SINGING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, JESUS.

YOU WANT TO GET IN THE CAR,

MR. FOSSE?

WE CAN NEVER COME BACK HERE

AGAIN.

YOU KNOW THAT."

"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED."

TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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