Spike Feresten, Eli Roth and Steve Agee celebrate National Selfie Day, sing #ComicBookSongs and disclose lesser-known government revelations...
It's National Selfie Day!
-(imitates retching)-(cheers and applause)
No. Don't. Aah.
I'm a (bleep) hypocrite.I do it all the time.
This is the high holidaythat honors a practice
of a taking a pictureto show your ex
you're doing way betterwithout her!
-Thank you very much, Sarah!-(applause and cheering)
Fun fact: the word selfieis actually portmanteau.
"Self" becauseit's a photo of yourself,
and "ie"because you're an egomaniac.
Clickbait Web sites everywhereare capitalizing
by sharing their tipsfor taking the perfect selfie,
such as holding the cameraabove eye level.
Ah, look at that! Look. Oh.
See how there
it hides any weird sagsor neck bags
or vampire bites or...?
Or the place where allyour blood was replaced
with darkness and oil.
Just to prove how much anglesmatter, this is...
I just want to show you.
This is the exact same phototaken at a lower angle.
So this is what can happen.It's the...
-(laughter and groaning)-So, you got it?
-It's all about lighting.-(applause and cheering)
It's really about lighting.
To be fair, I don't knowif this is a selfie,
or if someone just strappeda GoPro on a HoneyBaked Ham.
-I'm not 100% sure.-(laughter)
what is your favoriteNational Selfie Day tradition?
Um, I like to save my phonebattery for dick-pic Thursday.
-HARDWICK: Coming up. Coming up.-Two days.
(applause and cheering)
I like to throw acidin a hotter person's face.
-All right.-(applause and cheering)
Chris, I like to wonder whyall my friends blocked me.
-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Well, Steve...
Steve, you talk on the showlike you're not aware
you're wearing a microphone.
-(laughter) -AGEE:Is that what this thing is?
HARDWICK:That's what that thing is.
Hello. Is that what this is?
HARDWICK: No, that's...Now it's just way worse.
I like to wonder why allmy friends block me, Chris.
It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.
If you've been anywherenear an Internet-enabled device
this last week,you know the world is squeeing.
Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddlestonare exchanging fluids!
(jeering, shouting, whooping)
Uh... reached for comment,every 12-year-old girl said,
"OMG, my fan fictioncame to li-feeee!!!"
With nine E's and bunchof exclamation points.
Uh, this wouldonly ever be eclipsed
when Zayn from One Direction'sgonna (bleep) a unicorn.
This is an actual file photo.
Who... who Photoshopped
the apple box thathe's standing on down there?
Uh, since Hiddleston'sbest known
for playingAvengers villain Loki,
we can only assumethere's gonna be
an epic breakup song about himin, uh, about ten days.
-(laughter) -So, uh...in honor of this inevitability,
tonight's hashtagis #ComicBookSongs.
Examples might be: ♪ Hit me,Batman, one more time. ♪
or: anythingby Hulk Smash Mouth.
I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.
-Eli Roth. -♪ I knowwhen that hotline Thing. ♪
-All right, points.-(laughter)
-Steve Agee.-"All Along the Watchmen Tower."
-Steve. -"It Ain't EasyBeing Green Lantern."
-All right, points.-(laughter, shouts)
-Eli.-♪ Let's talk about Lex, baby. ♪
Yes, points. Spike.
-"Livin' la Vida Loki."-Points! Very good.
-Steve.-"Highway to Hellboy."
-Spike.-"Stand by Lee."
-Points! Very good.-(cheering, applause)
-♪ Come on, Wolverine. -Yes, points.
-Spike. -♪ Me and Ultrondown by the schoolyard. ♪
-(laughter)-I wanted to sing.
I wanted to sing tonight.Let me sing!
Tuesday was the birthday ofGeek Squad employee of the year
Edward Snowden, one of the fewpeople in trouble with the law
for a leakthat isn't public urination.
Snowden's infamous leak led toone of the biggest revelations
about the NSA's surveillancetactics. I would like you
to come up withsome lesser-known top secret
government revelationsin 60 seconds. And begin. Steve.
Joe Biden is from Kenya.
Yeah, no one ever asked.
Ramsay Bolton is actuallybased on Donald Trump.
All right, points.Spike.
Bernie Sanders has a giant dick.
The NSA beats offto your Snapchats.
All right, points. Steve.
Sometimes if youpee white into a lady
it makes a baby.
I didn't think you couldgross anyone out more
after (bleep) with the sock,but well (bleep) done.
Hans Solo dies.
All right, points. Spike.
It doesn't matter who winsthe election, we're all (bleep).
Bernie Sanders is actually
one of the old guysfrom the Muppets.
All right, points. Steve.
Some dude name Remyactually let the dogs out.
All right. Points.I'm glad we solved that. Eli.
Lemonade is really aboutBill and Hillary.
Aw. That's nice.
The Harlem Globetrotters'games are fixed.
-HARDWICK: What?-Yup, it's true.
Now, that's the oldestreference we have...
That is probably the oldestreference we have at all.