Tuesday, June 21, 2016

  • 06/21/2016

Spike Feresten, Eli Roth and Steve Agee celebrate National Selfie Day, sing #ComicBookSongs and disclose lesser-known government revelations...

It's National Selfie Day!

-(imitates retching)-(cheers and applause)

No. Don't. Aah.


I'm a (bleep) hypocrite.I do it all the time.

This is the high holidaythat honors a practice

of a taking a pictureto show your ex

you're doing way betterwithout her!

-Thank you very much, Sarah!-(applause and cheering)

Yeah. Yeah.

That's right.

Fun fact: the word selfieis actually portmanteau.

"Self" becauseit's a photo of yourself,

and "ie"because you're an egomaniac.

Clickbait Web sites everywhereare capitalizing

by sharing their tipsfor taking the perfect selfie,

such as holding the cameraabove eye level.

Ah, look at that! Look. Oh.

See how there

it hides any weird sagsor neck bags

or vampire bites or...?


Or the place where allyour blood was replaced

with darkness and oil.


Just to prove how much anglesmatter, this is...

I just want to show you.

This is the exact same phototaken at a lower angle.

So this is what can happen.It's the...

-(laughter and groaning)-So, you got it?

-It's all about lighting.-(applause and cheering)

It's really about lighting.

To be fair, I don't knowif this is a selfie,

or if someone just strappeda GoPro on a HoneyBaked Ham.

-I'm not 100% sure.-(laughter)

But comedians,

what is your favoriteNational Selfie Day tradition?

Spike Feresten.

Um, I like to save my phonebattery for dick-pic Thursday.

-(laughter)-That's really...

-HARDWICK: Coming up. Coming up.-Two days.

(applause and cheering)

Eli Roth.

I like to throw acidin a hotter person's face.

-(laughter)-All right.

-All right.-(applause and cheering)

Steve Agee.

Chris, I like to wonder whyall my friends blocked me.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Well, Steve...


Steve, you talk on the showlike you're not aware

you're wearing a microphone.

-(laughter) -AGEE:Is that what this thing is?

HARDWICK:That's what that thing is.

Hello. Is that what this is?

HARDWICK: No, that's...Now it's just way worse.

I like to wonder why allmy friends block me, Chris.


It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.


(audience whooping)

If you've been anywherenear an Internet-enabled device

this last week,you know the world is squeeing.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddlestonare exchanging fluids!

(jeering, shouting, whooping)

I know.

Uh... reached for comment,every 12-year-old girl said,

"OMG, my fan fictioncame to li-feeee!!!"

With nine E's and bunchof exclamation points.

Uh, this wouldonly ever be eclipsed

when Zayn from One Direction'sgonna (bleep) a unicorn.

-Uh...-(laughter, shouts)

This is an actual file photo.


Who... who Photoshopped

the apple box thathe's standing on down there?

-(applause)-That is...


Uh, since Hiddleston'sbest known

for playingAvengers villain Loki,

we can only assumethere's gonna be

an epic breakup song about himin, uh, about ten days.

-(laughter) -So, uh...in honor of this inevitability,

tonight's hashtagis #ComicBookSongs.

Examples might be: ♪ Hit me,Batman, one more time. ♪

or: anythingby Hulk Smash Mouth.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Eli Roth. -♪ I knowwhen that hotline Thing. ♪

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Steve Agee.-"All Along the Watchmen Tower."


-Steve. -"It Ain't EasyBeing Green Lantern."

-All right, points.-(laughter, shouts)

-Eli.-♪ Let's talk about Lex, baby. ♪

Yes, points. Spike.

-"Livin' la Vida Loki."-Points! Very good.

-Steve.-"Highway to Hellboy."

Yes, points.

-Spike.-"Stand by Lee."

-Points! Very good.-(cheering, applause)

Excelsior! Eli!

-♪ Come on, Wolverine. -Yes, points.

-Spike. -♪ Me and Ultrondown by the schoolyard. ♪

-(laughter)-I wanted to sing.

I wanted to sing tonight.Let me sing!

Tuesday was the birthday ofGeek Squad employee of the year

Edward Snowden, one of the fewpeople in trouble with the law

for a leakthat isn't public urination.

Snowden's infamous leak led toone of the biggest revelations

about the NSA's surveillancetactics. I would like you

to come up withsome lesser-known top secret

government revelationsin 60 seconds. And begin. Steve.

Joe Biden is from Kenya.

Yeah, no one ever asked.

Points. Eli.

Ramsay Bolton is actuallybased on Donald Trump.

All right, points.Spike.

Bernie Sanders has a giant dick.

Points. Points.

Uh, Eli.

The NSA beats offto your Snapchats.

All right, points. Steve.

Sometimes if youpee white into a lady

it makes a baby.

Oh, Jesus...


I didn't think you couldgross anyone out more

after (bleep) with the sock,but well (bleep) done.

Points. Spike.

Hans Solo dies.

All right, points. Spike.

It doesn't matter who winsthe election, we're all (bleep).


Bernie Sanders is actually

one of the old guysfrom the Muppets.

All right, points. Steve.

Some dude name Remyactually let the dogs out.

All right. Points.I'm glad we solved that. Eli.

Lemonade is really aboutBill and Hillary.

Aw. That's nice.


The Harlem Globetrotters'games are fixed.

-HARDWICK: What?-Yup, it's true.

Now, that's the oldestreference we have...

That is probably the oldestreference we have at all.