Wednesday, October 15, 2014

  • 10/15/2014

Mary Lynn Rajskub, Thomas Dale and Kurt Braunohler describe #MyLoveLifeIn3Words, learn about disturbing Disney Princess images and write rules for a small-town fight club.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

THIS VIDEO APPEARED ON YOUTUBEEARLIER THIS WEEK AND IT'S

QUICKLY BECOMING ONE OF THE MOSTSHARED VIDEOS ON FACEBOOK.

KIND OF MAKES THE DOUBLE RAINBOWGUY LOOK LIKE A MENSA MEMBER.

I GIVE YOU, FROM THE MOST EASILYIMPRESSED ALASKAN, THE COOLEST

SOUND EVER.

>> LOOK AT THAT, PERFECTSKIPPING ROCK. LOOK AT THAT.

HERE WE GO.

WHOA!

>> CHRIS: WHOA! WHOA!

DID I JUST TAKE THE RED PILL!

WHOA!

IT'S, LIFE -- I SEE THE WORLD SODIFFERENTLY.

THAT GUY SEEMS A LITTLE TOOEXCITED FOR THIS.

BUT I GUESS HAT'S BECAUSE HE'SIN ALASKA AND THE ONLY

ENTERTAINMENT OPTIONS EITHER ARESKIPPING A ROCK, AERIAL WOLF

HUNTING OR KNOCKING UP A PALIN.

THERE'S NOT A LOT TO DO INALASKA.

THIS VIDEO CAME RIGHT IN TIMEFOR ALASKA DAY THIS SATURDAY.

COMEDIANS, HOW WILL YOU BECELEBRATED ALASKA DAY?

MARY LYNN?

>> I GONNA TAKE A ROAD TRIP TOALASKA AND THEN JUST FREEZE TO

DEATH IN MY CAR WHEN IT STALLS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. KURT?

>> I CELEBRATE ALASKA DAY THEWAY I CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY--

I JUST RESCUE A BUNCH OF HUSKIESAND HAVE THEM PULL ME AROUND

IN A GROCERY CART?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ONE DIRECTION SINGE HARSTYLEHARRY STYLES WAS RECENTLY SEEN

THROWING UP ON THE SIDE OF AFREEWAY IN LOS ANGELES-- I GUESS

THE RHYTHM METHOD DOESN'T WORK,HARRY!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOT THAT--

NOT THAT I WOULD PUT RHYTHM ANDONE DIRECTION IN THE SAME

SENTENCE.

BUT LIKE ANY NEWS ABOUT ONEDIRECTION, THE NEWS CAUSED

TWITTER TO SIMULTANEOUSLYOVULATE -- EVEN THE DUDES.

AND THEY BUILT A SHRINE TO HIM.

♪ OOOO♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING TWEETS ABOUT

HARRY STYLES PUKING IS REAL?

A-- IF I SAW HARRY STYLES THROWUP, AFTER HE LEFT, I WOULD EAT

IT AND KEEP IT IN A JAR.

( LAUGHTER )

B-- THROW UP IN MY MOUTH LIKE AMOTHER BIRD DOES FOR HER

CHILDREN HARRY STYLES.

( LAUGHTER )

C-- I BET IF YOU BATHE INHARRY'S VOMIT YOU'LL GROW

ANGEL WINGS.

I BET YOU WON'T.

THOMAS DALE.

>> I'M REALLY JUST HOPING JUSTFOR THE WONDERFULNESS OF LIFE,

THAT IT'S A.

>> CHRIS: WELL, THE CORRECTANSWER IS ALL OF THE ABOVE

BECAUSE THE EARTH IS A TOILET.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OTHERMARGEICAL PROPERTIES OF HARRY

STYLES' VOMIT, MARY LYNN?

>> HIS VOMIT CAN MAKE ONE OFYOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

BUT ONLY IF THAT DREAM IS EATINGVOMIT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: OH, MY GOD. ONE YOUNGLADY WAS BOUNCING IN HER SEAT

FOR THE HASHTAG WARS.

THE HASHTAG "MY GRADES IN THREEWORDS" HAS BEEN ONE OF THE TOP

TWITTER TRENDS ALL WEEK.

WHY SHOULD THE TEENS GET ALL THEFUN?

WE'RE GOING TO PUT AN ADULT SPINON IT WITH TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

#MYLOVELIFEIN3WORDS.

EXAMPLES -- EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: STAY ON TARGET.

OR, ♪ COME ON EILEEN

OR THAT WILL DO, PIG.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, KURT BRAUNOHLER.

>> LOTION IN BASKET.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS. THOMAS DALE.

>> AMERICAN HORROR STORY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS! MARY LYNN.

>> UNENTHUSIASTIC BIRTHDAY BLOWJOB.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YOUR BIRTHDAY OR THE OTHERPERSON'S BIRTHDAY?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.

>> CHRIS: OK. KURT.

>> TURNIPS FOR ( BLEEP ).

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THOMAS.

>> YES, WE CAN.

>> CHRIS: HEY! NICE. POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> BED, BATH, BEYOND.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. KURT.

>> "LION KING" SOUNDTRACK.

( BUZZER )

>> CHRIS: WOULD THAT, WOULD THAT-- WAIT A MINUTE.

WOULD THAT BE THE CIRCLE JERK OFLIFE?

>> HEY, HAKUNA MATATATA, MAN.

>> CHRIS: HEY ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY"DISINFOMERCIAL."

"DISINFOMERCIAL."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS AREAWARE OF THIS, BUT AFTER YOU

FALL ASLEEP TV STILL HAPPENS,LIKE REALLY LATE AT NIGHT.

BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHINGTHAT HAPPENS AFTER 12:30, IT'S A

A LOT OF BULL( BLEEP ).

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FORTHE COMMERCIALS THAT GO FOR

THINGS SO STUPID, YOU TRICKYOURSELF INTO THINKING YOU NEED

THOSE THINGS.

THESE PRODUCTS ARE SO DUMB, THEYCANNOT EVEN MAKE A FULL

INFOMERCIAL ABOUT THEM.

BUT LUCKILY, THEY STILL FINDTHEIR WAY INTO THE YOUTUBES.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU RIDICULOUSPRODUCTS, AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU

NEED TO TELL ME WHY I NEED THATPRODUCT, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, SOMETHING FOR THISGUY'S ASS.

>> BEASTLY BUTT ODOR?

HOW DO YOU STOP THE STINK?

HI. I'M ADAM JAY, AND THIS ISDOC BOTTOM'S A SPRAY.

>> CHRIS: KURT.

>> WE'LL HANDLE THE BUTT SMELL.

YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHY GROWNMEN KEEP SMELLING YOUR BUTT

HOLE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARY LYNN?

>> IT'S MORE EXPENSE AND I HAVEHARDER TO USE THAN SOAP.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

AH, I CAN'T -- UGH.

NEXT ONE: HOW ABOUT THIS GLOVEFOR PEOPLE WHO DAENT STOP

TOUCHING THEIR MEAT, EVEN WHENIT'S STILL COOKING.

>> THE GRILL GLOVE'S DESIGNED TOGIVE YOU THE PERFECT GRIP FOR

EVERY FLIP.

HOT POTATOES ARE HARD TO HANDLE.BUT THE GLOVE RESISTS

TEMPERATURES UP TO 500 DEGREESMAKING IT PERFECT FOR HOT BAKED

POTATOES AND MORE.

>> CHRIS: DO YOU-- WHY DO YOUHAVE TO PICK A ( BLEEP ) POTATO

OFF A GRILL WITH YOUR BAREHANDS?

OH, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING!

THOMAS.

>> ALSO GOOD FOR GIVING APROSTATE EXAM TO THE HUMAN

TORCH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> CHRIS: WELL PLAYED.

EXCELLENT.

AND, OF COURSE, WHO CAN DEALWITH PESKY, UNNECESSARY

SEATBELTS.

I PRESENT THE TIDDY BEAR.

>> WHEN YOU TRAVEL, IS YOURSHOULDER STRAP TOO TIGHT AND

ANNOYING?

INTRODUCING THE TIDDY BEAR.

THAT'S T-I-D-D-Y BEAR.

THE CUTE GUY THAT ELIMINATESTHOSE IRRITATING SHOULDER

STRAPS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: FROM THE MAKER OF THEPUSSY OTTER FOR LAP BELTS.

KURT?

>> WARNING-- BEAR LOVES TO MOTORBOAT AND WILL ( BLEEP ) ON YOUR

CHEST.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> TITS ARE WEIRD, RIGHT, CHRIS.

OH, TITTIES.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE -- HERE'S ANEEDLESSLY PORTABLE CHAIR.

>> NO MORE SITTING ON THEGROUND.

NO MORE STANDING AROUND, AND NOMORE FOLDING CHAIR FRUSTRATION.

NOW THAT'S AN AMAZING CHAIR.

>> THIS POCKET CHAIR IS ALIFESAVER.

>> CHRIS: EVEN THIS CHILD LOOKSUNCOMFORTABLE.

( LAUGHTER )

MARY LYNN?

>> FROM THE MAKERS OF TABLE HATAND COFFEE MAKER EARRINGS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

I WANT A TABLE HAT.

>> PUT IT ON YOUR HEAD.

IT'S REAL EASY TO GET AROUNDWITH.

SOLID OAK.

>> CHRIS: LAST UP, A TALKIEPARROT MADE OF PLASTIC.

>> CHATTY PATTY.

SHE'S THE PARROT THAT TALKSBACK.

GIVE HER A COMPLIMENT AND SHE'LLGIVE IT BACK.

>> YOU'RE PRETTY.

>> YOU'RE SO NICE.>> YOU'RE SO NICE.

>> WELL, THANK YOU.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: THAT POOR, LONELYWOMAN.

THOMAS.

>> CHATTY PATTY WILL ALSO TEACHYOU HOW TO TIE A NOOSE.

>> CHRIS: ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: KURT.

>> COMES PREPROGRAMMED WITHPHRASES YOU NEVER HEAR LIKE, "I

LOVE YOU," AND "YOU'REIMPORTANT."

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> THIS PARROT WON'T LEAVE YOULIKE HE DID.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> I'M FINE.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME"PRINCESS PARTY."

YEAH, IT'S A PRINCESS PARTY.

PRINCESS PARTY, PRINCESS PARTY.

THANKS TO DEVIANT ART,REIMAGININGS OF DISNEY

PRINCESSES HAVE GONE VIRAL IN SOMANY WONDERFULLY CREEPY AND

PERVERT WAYSES THAT WALT DISNEYMUST BE THAWING IN HIS FREEZER

GRAVE.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU TWO SUCHREIMAGININGS, AND FOR 250

POINTS, I WANT YOU TO GUESSWHICH ONE HAS BEEN VIEWED BY

MORE WEIRDOS ONLINE.

FIRST ONE.

BREASTY COBRA JASMINE ORMORBIDLY OBESE JASMINE?

THOMAS DALE.

>> I FIRST OF ALL, LOVE ALADDINAND I'M GOING TO SAY IT WAS

MORBIDLY OBESE ALADDIN ANDJASMINE?

>> CHRIS: OK LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS --

JASMINE THE HUTT!

>> IS SHE WEARING A THONG THATWE CAN'T SEE?

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW, THERE'SLIKE 23 FUPAS ON THERE.

>> YEAH, IT'S LIKE SPALUNKING TO( BLEEP ) HER OUT.

DEAL WITH IT. I SAID IT.

>> CHRIS: ♪ A WHOLE NEW WORLD ♪

NEXT ONE, CINDERELLA WITH DIRTY,DIRTY FEET --

OR CINDERELLA GETTING HER LEGRIPPED OFF BY A JEALOUS ARIEL?

JESUS CHRIST!

AND SEBASTIAN'S JUST UP THEREHOLDING THE DRESS?

KURT.

>> CINDERELLA GETTING HER LEGRIPPED OFF?

>> NO.

>> THE OTHER ONE.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

NOPE.

IT'S THE FEET.

WITH THE INTERNET IT'S ALWAYSFEET.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> CHRIS: AND MINI HAS WEIRDLYHUMAN FEET.

>> IT'S ALL ABOUT -- IT'S DUDESWHO LOVE DIRTY FEET AND THEY

WANT TO LICK THEM WITH THEIRTONGUES.

>> CHRIS: OH, WOW>> YEAH.

>> CHRIS, I'M SO MAD AT YOUBECAUSE THIS GAME FORCE MEAS TO

IMAGINE IF I WERE AROUSED BY ONEOF THOSE. LIKE, QUICKLY, WHICH

ONE WOULD BE MORE AROUSING?

IT KINDA MAKES YOU HAVE TO GOTHERE, IN A WEIRD WAY.

IT'S THE DIRTY FEET, TOTALLY.

>> CHRIS: SERIOUSLY, HOW TURNEDON ARE YOU RIGHT NOW, THOUGH.

>> I'M TURNED ON AND THEN I'MASHAMED, BUT THEN I'M TURNED ON

AGAIN.

>> CHRIS: RIGHT.

>> THOSE ARE GIRLS AFTERHALLOWEEN DOING THE WALK OF

SHAME.

>> CHRIS: THAT IS.

AS WE COME TO OUR NEXT GAME,FIGHT OF CLUBS, FIGHT OF CLUBS.

THIS IS VERY WEIRD BUT TODAYHAPPENS TO BE THE 15-YEAR

ANNIVERSARY OF THE NOW-CLASSICFILM "FIGHT CLUB--" 15 YEARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THERE WAS SOME FIRST RULE OF"FIGHT CLUB" BUT I CAN'T

REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.

BTU ANYWAY, THE FOLKS WHO OWNTHIS STOREFRONT THAT WAS

TRENDING ON IMGUR, THE FIRSTRULE OF "FIGHT CLUB" IS TO LET

EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!

I THINK THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

AND AS WE ALL KNOW, THE SECONDRULE OF "FIGHT CLUB" IS

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION!

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE USANOTHER RULE OF THIS PARTICULAR

SMALL-TOWN FIGHT CLUB.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONT HECLOCK AND BEGIN.

MARY LYNN.

>> FOURTH RULE, NO PARKING ONTHURSDAYS FOR STREET CLEANING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KURT.

>> FIGHT ALL YOU WANT BUT DON'TTOUCH THE CAT.

IT'S MY MOM'S CAT!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THOMAS DALE.

>> ANY LOST LIMBS WILL BE GIVENTO THE CHINESE PLACE NEXT DOOR.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> STICK AROUND AFTER FIGHT CLUBFOR HUG NIGHT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THOMAS.

>> THIS WILL LAST FOR AT LEASTOVER AN HOUR SO MAKE SURE YOU

KEEP THE WINDOW CRACKED WHENLEAVING YOUR BABY IN THE CAR.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

THAT'S JUST GOOD ADVICE.

KURT, ONE MORE.

>> THE SIXTH RULE OF "FIGHTCLUB" IS THAT IT'S ACTUALLY

TECHNICALLY A LAUNDROMAT UNTIL6:00 P.M.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.