Into the Wild Green Yonder Pt. 1

  • Season 0, Ep 13
  • 08/30/2009

Fry and Bender become adversaries in a high-stakes poker tournament in New Mars Vegas.

You're having an affair with thehead of the Robot Mafia's wife?!

BENDER:Yep. This is herI'm making out with.

(moaning)

Oh, yeah.

Bender, areyou crazy?!

No, it's Fry who's crazyin this one.

I'm not crazy!

You're sureyou're okay, Fry?

You do havetinfoil on your head.

So? You've got aleech on your neck.

Oh, and speaking ofsucking on your neck,

want go to amovie later?

ELZAR:Hey there!

How you folks doin'tonight?

Great!What're the specials?

We've got a wonderfulgrizzly bear

that's been dipped in cornmealand lightly tormented.

Questions?

What was the bear's name?

Jojo.

Ooh! I'll have him!

(startled gasping)

Hide me!

Hey Donbot,ain't that your wife

what with you hadthat weddin' with?

Donbot, honey!

What a pleasant shock!

I was just havingdinner alone,

when suddenly youwalk in on us!

Alone, huh?

Don't hurt me!

Where am I?

I was exploring a wormholethrough space,

many light-yearsfrom this restaurant,

when, suddenly, I wassurrounded by darkness.

Hot sexy darkness.

(purrs sensually)

Wha-- why hello,Donbot.

Hello, miss.

Have we met?

I'm Bender.

The world's mostsexual robot.

I mean, uh,

the world's mostboundary-respecting robot.

Nice to see you, Bender.

Welcome backto our universe.

Listen, sugar,

I stuck up the BurlingtonCoat factory

and got youa little something.

It's a $49 value.

(squealing):Oh!

Donbot, I love you!

(whispering):Not really.

Man, this is great!

I always wanted to naila dame in a fur coat.

Now's my chance!

Heh! Ha!

I mean,

if you'll introduceme to one, sir.

One as sexy asyou, baby.

Yow! Bender out.

(humming happily)

I never feltso alive, Bender.

Listen,

this turquoise-encrusted brais worth 50 grand.

Let's sell it and run offbefore the Donbot gets wise.

(sighing):No.

It'll take a lotmore money than that

to make a girllike you happy.

No, it won't.Yeah, it will.Shut up.

We'll run offafter I win...

the universal pokerchampionship!

(gasps)

One entry, please!

Bender, no!

You're not lucky enough!

Oh, no?

I'm 40% lucky!

The scrap metalI'm made from

included a truckloadof horseshoes

from the luckiestracehorses in Mexico,

who had just been sentto a glue factory.

They don't soundso lucky to me.

Not without their shoes.

(bubbling, hissing)

(crowd oohs and aahs)

That's great.Amazing.

(lively theme song playing)

PENN JILLETTE: Welcome, viewers who fell asleep with the TV on.

It's the 3009 No-Limit Hold 'Em Championship!

(cheering and applause)

I'm the massive headof Penn Jillette,

and here withthe color commentary--

my partner Teller!

Our act really didn'tchange much when he died.

Pardon me.I'm new to this game.

Is this duffel bag big enoughfor all your money?

(laughing)Bender?!

Oh, boogers, we're inthe same tournament.

Quick, get your entry fee backbefore I bankrupt you.

(splutters)

In your dreams, nutloaf.

Bite my shiny metal hat.

PENN:Tex Connecticut,the pride of Kansas City,

first to act.

Smiley Smith up next.

Looks like Boobs Vanderbilthas a decent pair.

Also, she's got two eights.

Oh, and Bender Rodriguezpicks up a lucky deal

right off the bat!

BENDER: Whoo! Two aces!

I'm thinkin' guitar solo.

(mimicking guitar solo)

I fold.

PENN:Holy crap!

A stunning play by mentallyill newcomer Philip Fry!

It's almost as if he knewBender had two aces!

Bender has two aces?!I'm out.

I'm out.I'm out.I'm out.

(laughs)

Suck my luck!

You see this gun?

That's what I'm gonna doto Bender if he wins.

(fast-tempo funk riffplaying)

(cooing)

All in.

Call my mighty betat your peril!

My cards are awful and I need a hug!

I call your bluff.

(growling)

I shall annihilate...

(sobbing)

I just wanted to makemy daddy proud.

Well, you didn't.

I want you and your junkmoved out by Monday!

PENN:It's gettingpretty intense, folks.

Based on the stateof decompositionof Teller's head,

we're now in hour 19of the tournament.

Ooh,

and the first bad dealof the night for Bender.

Hey, pal,help me out here.

This is the worstpossible hand, right?

I'm all in.

All in.I mean, fold.

Eh, whatever.

PENN:Well, Bender's luckjust ran out.

No card can save himfrom elimination.

(groans)

Oh, my gourds,he's dead!

(groans)

21, winner!

Whoo!

I'm so full of luck,

it's shootin' outlike luck diarrhea!

PENN:Wake up, poker fans!

We're downto our final two players

in heads-up actionfor the championship!

Your perspective, Teller?

All in.

(all gasp)

But-But you didn't evenlook at your cards.

Looking at one's cardsis a crutch

for players who rely on skill.

(gulps)

Any day now, Fry.

You in or out?

Um... uh...

What's the matter, Fry?You scared?

Or just... crazy?

(laughs)All right.

All in.

Yes!

Four aces!

Ah-ah-ah.

Read 'em and weep.

And then tell mewhat they are.

Two kings.

And with three on the board,

that give Bender five kings.

(audience gasps)

But... how is that...

I don't believe it!

Bender has just been dealtthe king of beers--

a coaster from the bar thatsomehow got mixed into the deck!

But it still counts!

(cheering and applause)

LEO:Bender win the championship!

(munching)

That's some good money.

(belching)

You did it, Bender!

You're the greatest!

Tell me something Idon't know, sweet-ass.

Now let's boogie.

We'll be in Space Tahiti

before the Donbotknows what hit him.

Now I am suspicious.