Mike Vecchione

  • Season 15, Ep 12
  • 03/04/2011

Mike Vecchione talks about counseling kids in gangs, admits he doesn't like algebra and reveals how to get out of any conversation.

to you ladies.

That's the problem--It's really hard.

You're so intimidating--You're so pretty.

I'm looking at you,right now.

You're so prettyand intimidating.

How do youbreak the ice?

How do you break the iceand just start talking?

I don't know.

Does this work, ladies--Does this work?

Hand on breast--I don't say anything.

I'm not grabbing.

I just walk up and placemy hand on your breast.

Now, we havea situation.

Now, we ve todeal with it.

Now, tell meyour name, huh?

Now, what's yourfavorite color?

Now, tell me how your catsometimes acts like a dog, huh?

It's weird, 'cause hesometimes acts like a dog.

[audience laughing]

I know what youguys are thinking.

"Mike, what if she'sbreastfeeding?

"Will you smack the babyout of the way

"and then go for it--"That's ridiculous.

You're not gonna smacka baby out of the way,

if she's breastfeeding.

You just call shotgunon the open breast,

like a gentleman.

Okay, guys, yourhand is on her breast.

A couple of thingscould happen, right?

She could startmaking out with you.

That's hot--That's so hot.


She could punch you inthe face or maybe taser you.

Maybe she pulled,like, the evil wizard

from the future thing,and she feels powerful now,

'cause she tasered you--That could happen.

The weirdest thingis if nothing happens.

If she just staresblankly back at you,

much like you guyshave been staring at me

during the tellingof this joke.

Just staring.

What do you do then, fellas--Have to kick it up a notch.

Know what I do?

Work the nipple,and I work it hard.

I work it aggressive, likeI'm trying to find a song

on my "IPOD--"That's how I do it.

I'm like, "circle, circle,pause, circle, circle,

"pause, choose,pause, choose."



What a great crowd!

You ladies areso pretty, though.

You're still gettin'plastic surgery done,

which I don't understand.

Anything is acceptablefor the ladies today.

You can dowhatever you want.

"I'm gonna get mybreasts enlarged.

"I'm gonna get 'emreduced.

"I'm gonna take somefat from my ass,

"inject it in my lips--"It's all good.

Guys can't do that.

I go in-- the doctor looksat me like I'm a freak.

I'm like, "look, I want youto take my testicles

"and put them on my back.

"Then, take the extraskin from my scrotum.

"pull it over my face,so I look like a ninja turtle.

"Can you do thatfor me, please?


"Then, I would like for youto call me Donatello from now,

"'cause that'smy favorite turtle.

"That's myfavorite turtle."


I'm not a weed guy.

I can't do it--I get too paranoid.

I don't have anythingmoral against it.

I get too paranoid.

Last time I smoked it,my dog broke a mirror.

I freaked out.

I was like, oh, my god, ishe gonna get seven years

or forty-nine years justbecause he's a dog?

I'm not a math guy--I'm not a math guy.

You know what?

I shouldn't say that,'cause I am good in math.

I was good in math,good in English.

You know whatI was bad in?


I was bad in algebra, 'causeI like my letters and words.

I like my numbersand problems.

I don't like 'em mixed.

Some things in my lifeI like on their own.

I don't like 'em mixed.

I like gay people--I like porno.

I do not like gay porno,for the same reasons

I don't like algebra.

I don't know what plugs intowhere for what reasons.


'Cause I can solve problems,not in the way

the teacher in algebra wantedme to solve the problem.

She put the problemon the board.

"'X' plus seven equalsfifteen.

"Solve the problem."

I'm like, "you want meto solve the problem?"

I went up,I erased the board.

I'm like,"problem solved, bitch.

"Let's get some pizza.

"Stop playingthese games, baby.

"Let's do somefractions, baby.

"Take the reciprocal--Flip the script.

"Let's do that fractiondoggy-style,

"improper fraction.

"Let's make that fractionso filthy and improper."

She just kept puttin'the problems up on the board.

I just kept following her,erasing the problems.

Then, she'sgonna yell at me.

I'm like, "number one,attack the problem,

"not the person.

"That's the first ruleof problem-solving.

"And 'B,' you kinda seemlike you're a troublemaker,

"'Cause you're coming up withall these fake problems,

"and it's really cuttinginto our pizza time."

She's like, "you can't listthings one and then 'B.'

"It's one and twoor 'A' and 'B'."

I'm like, "oh, you don'tlike it when I mix numbers

"and letters together, like youdo in algebra, you hypocrite?"


She was trying to teach medon't be afraid of the letters.

She's like, "don'tbe afraid of 'X.'

"'X' is a variable--It's an unknown.

"That's all it is,a variable or an unknown."

I'm like,"not to me.

"To me, 'X' is the rating ofa movie that I enjoy watching

"in the comfortsof my own home.

"'Cause that guy in thatmovie, that pizza guy,

"he is a problem solver.

"He can solve the problems ofa MILF and a hungry babysitter,

"at the same time,with one thing,

"and that one thingis sausage.

"'X' equals sausage."


Apparently, "X" doesnot equal sausage,

'Cause I got an"F" in algebra.

I took it home--My mom was furious.

She's like,"you failed algebra?"

I'm like, "that-that'snot what that means.

"That's a 'F.'

"It's a variable--It's an unknown.

Vigilante jus-- You knowit's against the law

to let your dog go to thebathroom and not scoop it?

In New York,that's against the law,

and there's a lot oflawbreakers in my neighborhood,

'cause there's little landminesof dog poopy everywhere.

You know what I installed--"One man neighborhood watch."

Some people will callit a "peeping tom."

I call it "one manneighborhood watch."

I hide in the grassy knoll--I wait for an offender.

See somebody offend--I don't say anything.

Man of action--I run out.

I scoop it--I throw it at them.



You should see thelook on their face when

their own negligence is comingat them at high speeds.

Then, I say somethin'very vigilante, like,

"you've just beenpotty trained, bitch-- Snap!"

Then, I run into the woodslike the Incredible Hulk.

I wake up two hours later,naked and flexing,

like a youngLou Ferrigno.

[audience laughing]

Thank you,People over 30.

I got a four-year from"Penn State University."

I, uh--[cheers]

I got out.

Um, I started workingwith gang kids,

and I was counseling gang kidsfor $9.00 an hour,

which is embarrassing,'cause the gang kids were like,

"I know you're supposedto be counseling me,

"but you shouldn't have tolive your life this way, Mike.

"I, uh, I sell drugs--I can buy you some clothes."

[audience laughing]

So, I started teaching kidswith emotional problems,

'cause that'swhere the money is.

I started teaching kidswith emotional problems.

Uh, but it wasa weird time for me,

'cause I was teaching kidswith emotional problems

and dating girls with emotionalproblems, at the same time.

By the end of the day,my brain was so worn down,

I would getthem confused.

The girl would be like,"why can't you just tell me

"that you love me?"

I'm like, "'cause younever do your homework.

"Now, stop threateningme with a knife.

"Stop threateningme with a knife."

But then, I thought,"what if she's not threatening

"with the knife?

"What if she's justgonna open a letter

"or maybe frost a cake?


"Or, if it was "Swiss Army,"maybe she was gonna clip

"her toenails or opena bottle of win to celebrate

"all the errands thatshe had run that day,

"'Cause a knife hasa lot of purposes.

"A knife hasa lot of purposes."

How do you judge us?

We judge you ona scale one to ten.

It's very easy--How do you judge us?

It's all kinds ofdifferent factors.

Is it an equation--What is it?

Is it penis sizedivided by credit score?

'Cause that just soundslike it would make sense.

I'm not sayingthat's it.

I think it'show we dress.

I usually weara shirt and tie,

'cause a tie isa phallic symbol.

You ladiesdon't know that.

We wear them tohypnotize you

into havingintercourse with us.

Yeah, think about it.

The knot islike the testes,

and the tie is likea flaccid penis.

So, any time I'm dressed up,and I'm talkin' to a woman,

I just startstroking my tie.

I'm like, "Yeah, baby--you know what this is."

[audience laughing]

That's why I willnot wear a bow tie.

That's like admittingyou have a small penis.

You can't evenstroke a bow tie.

You just have to adjust itand hope for the best,

which is what you haveto do with a small penis,

or so I've read--I don't have one.

I don't have one,so I don't know.

Men and womenare different.

Men and womenare different.

That's what I'm saying.

Men-- Our differencesoutside the bedroom

reflect our differencesinside the bedroom.

For example, when my girlgives me a [deleted] job,

it's like she's trying topull the emotions out of me.

"I want to talk toyou about your day.

"Tell me moreabout your day."

We penetrate you ladies--It's the opposite.

It's like we're tryingto shove your emotions

back insideof you, right?

It's like, "I don'twanna hear about

"your dumbfeelings, okay?

"Keep 'em stored insideof your ovary sacs."

[audience laughing]

I read a lot of"Cosmo" to find out

what you ladiesare up to.

You love to talkabout your orgasms.

It says, at the beginningof every article,

"In order to achievean orgasm--" I stop there.

I stop, 'cause my problemis not achieving an orgasm.

My problem is gettinga woman in the room with me

to witnessmy achievements.

You ladies are awesome,'cause you could have

the multiple orgasm--That's hot.

Guys, not so much.

The closest we get isif we sneeze and climax

at the same time,which is awkward,

'cause you don't knowwhat fluid went where.

It's like, "look, you bettergo to the clinic tomorrow.

"Get the morning afterpill and a flu shot."

[ audience laughing]

I can tell thatabout you, right now.

Sex with an animal joke--You really handled that well.

You know who didn't havea good sense of humor

when I was growing up?

The lady who used to workat the shooting range.

'Cause I used to gothere when I was ten,

'cause I wanted to be arapper, and I was like,

"let me start going tothe shooting range."

She didn't like me.

She was like,"can I help you?"

I was like, "yeah, I'm herefor murder practice.

"I'm hear to practicemy one-eight-sevens.

"I'm here to practicemy one-eight-sevens."

That's policecode for murder.

But I used togo into my lane,

and I was, uh,so professional.

I always fire a warning shotbefore I fire to the target

at the shooting range--I fire a warning shot.

Now, the people upstairspracticing karate

didn't appreciate that.

But you gotta beready for anything,

if you're gonna bea kung fu master.

That's really my attitude--That's their fault, not mine.

Their fault, not mine.

People would shootfrom far away.

I didn't get that--There's a lever.

You can take the mannequin,the target.

You can pull itclose to you.

That's what I would do--I pull him close.

I'd pistol whip hima couple of times.

Show him who's boss.

"Yeah, pimp--Who's a pimp now?"

Pistol whip.

Then, I'd shoothim under the chin.

Then, I'd shoot all themannequins under the chin.

'Cause guess what--No witnesses.

That's how I play it.

Tupac resurrection,no witnesses,

West coast-west coast.[applause]

That's my favorite rapper--Thank you.

I know it's New York.


We have a gun problemin this city, though.

We have such agun problem.

We've got a buy back program--It's gun buy back.

You take your gundown to a location.

Turn it in,they give you money.

No questions asked--No questions asked.

This is whatI also find works.

You take yourgun down there.

Point it at them.

They will alsogive you the money.

No questions asked--No questions.

And you get to keepyour gun, which is nice...

'Cause having a gun,let's face it, guys,

is a lot like havinga penis, I think.

You gotta keepit concealed.

And if you wave itin a woman's face,

chances are she'llcall the cops.

I don't like guns--You know why?

It's a killing mechanism--That's all its purpose is.

It has no otherpurpose but to kill.

I like a knife better.

Pull a knife-- You don'tknow what I'm gonna do.

Am I gonna stab yo u --Am I gonna open a letter?

Am I gonna frost a cake?

You don't knowwhat I'm gonna do.

If it's "Swiss Army,"I can clip my toenails

and open a bottleof wine to celebrate

all the errands thatI got accomplished.

All right?

'Cause it was aproductive day.

It was a productive day.

A knife has alot of purposes.

I like that.

last year.

That's a long flight--That flight was so long

I got the girl nextto me pregnant.

We raised thechild on the plane.

Time for us toland in Sydney

and get him arugby scholarship.

I feel like I came offpompous in that country.

I did not mean to.

I was trying to order food,just get the most out of

their culture, butI came off pompous.

I was like, "I would like yourVegemite sandwich, please.


'Cause I learnall my Australian

from men at work songs--"Vegemite sandwich, please.

"I would like it on aboomerang plate,

"and I would like it broughtto me by a kangaroo

"that looks likeOlivia Newton-John.

"Could you makethat happen?"

He's like,"Sir, we can't do that."

I'm like, "do yourealize, I'm American?

"These colors don't run--America."

Finally, I was like,"Dude, forget you.

"I would like to speak toyour king, right now.

"Let me speak to your kingor the superhero

"that runs thisprison colony."

[audience laughing]

They don't havea king or a superhero.

Did you guys know that?

They don't.

You know what theydo have, though?


They like to throw thatright in your face.

[applause]They have healthcare.

We don't have itover here, man.

It's not in ourConstitution.

We have life, liberty, andthe pursuit of happiness.

And if, while you'repursuing happiness,

you blow out your knee, that'syour problem in America.

But if you're fromanother country,

do not get hurt over here.

We do not have healthcarethe way that you have it.

You can walk intoa hospital on fire.

They will not helpyou in America.

They'll be like,"I'm sorry, you're on fire.

"That's a preexistingcondition.

"We can't doanything for you."


in the future anyway,right?

There's gonna be an appfor your "I-phone"

where you just takex-rays of yourself.

If something hurts, you'lljust take an x-ray of yourself.

Put it up on "Facebook."

Everybody will vote as to whatthey think is wrong with you.


Eighty percent sayit's not a tumor.

Even if it is a tumor, youknow what you could do?

Cut it out with a knife.


Then, you can open a letter--You could frost a cake.

If it's "Swiss Army-"If it's "Swiss Army,"

you can clip your toenails.

Open a bottle of wine tocelebrate the fact

that you no longerhave a tumor.

'Cause a knife hasa lot of purposes.

A knife has alot of purposes.

You guys were a greatcrowd for me, man.

You guys werereally awesome.

Some of you are visiting--This is a great city.

People will try to wasteyour time in this city.

This is how to get outof any conversation

you don't wanna have.

If somebody comes up to you,they're wasting your time,

turn to them andsay this sentence.

"Have you heard theword of the Lord?"

[audience laughing]Seriously.


Whether you'rereligious or not,

they will walkaway from you.

I was trying to getto a club to work.

I was late--This guy cut me off.

He was trying tosell me a phone.

He goes intothis whole spiel.

I stopped him--"Excuse me, sir.

"Have you heard theword of the Lord?"

He turned around,opposite direction.

And I was like,"wow, you know what?

"Jesus Christ reallyis my personal savior.

"He helps me,and he will return."

Tupac resurrection--Tupac resurrection.

I get one free with everyten haircuts that I get

that look like this.

I have aStaten Island cop look.

My favorite placeto taser people?

The renaissance fair--The renaissance fair.

Yeah, 'cause it makes mefeel like an evil wizard

from the future.

I feel so eviland wizardly.


I love this crowd--oh, I love this crowd.

I travel a lot--This is a cool job.

I stay in a lotof hotels.

Could I be a littleadult with you?

You seem like good people--Can I be a little adult?

A lot of times,in these hotels,

They don't have the appropriatemasturbatory lotion.

It's a health issue--It's a health issue.

And it's a rookie mistake,guys, to run into the bathroom

and rub one outwith the hotel soap,

because it's cheap, and itcreeps into your pee hole,

and then it feels likeyou have chlamydia

for the rest of the day--It really does.

It's a health issue--It's a health issue.

FYI, what do we use, Mike--I'll tell ya, right now.

I hate to go"Jersey Shore" on you.

I hate to fist pumpsituation "Jersey Shore" you.

You know what I use--Mousse, mousse.

It looks fantasticin my hair,

and it's a terrificlubricant.

And the residual, fellas,drips down into your pubes,

styling them.

So, at the end of it,your penis looks like

"America's Next Top Model."

It looks like something thatcould be judged by Tyra Banks.