Monday, April 11, 2016

  • 04/11/2016

Brittany Furlan, Logan Paul and Vitaly Zdorovetskiy dine at #OneLetterOffRestaurants, guess whether videos will be scary or adorable, and coin animal slang terms.

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

Throwin' it out there, throwin'the horns, throwin' the horns.

A restaurant chain in Chinagave the pink slip

to its robot wait staffearlier this month

after the android serverswere found to be--

surprise!-- really (bleep) badat human jobs.

-(laughter)-According to the restaurant,

they couldn't carry food,take orders correctly

or interact very wellwith customers.

Sounds like they should go towork at the Cheesecake Factory.

What the (bleep)?! No!

What?! No!

Their portions are so large!

How can you say that?

The menu is a novel!

(applause)

Um... I am kidding.We actually do feel bad

for these robot waiters, though,

no matter how off they are,which is why tonight's hashtag

is #OneLetterOffRestaurants.

-(electrical crackling)-Examples might be...

examples might be:Pizza Hat,

or: (bleep) Burger.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Brittany.-Mark Ruffalo Wild Wings.

Yes! Points! Brittany.

-Adele Taco.-Points! Very good.

-Vitaly.-Hairy Queen.

Yes. Points.

-Brittany.-Jizzler.

Yes. Points.

-Logan.-♪ Da, nuh, nuh! Da, nuh, nuh!

The Cheesecake Factor!

-Points.-(laughter)

-Brittany.-Jack on My Box.

Points. Logan.

-Waffle Hoes.-Yes. Points.

-Brittany.-Bong John Silver's.

Yes. Points. Logan.

Wetzel's Wetzels.

Yes. Points. Vitaly.

-Dunkin' Honuts.-Yes. Points.

-Logan.-Uh, Dairy Queef.

-Yes. Points.-(laughter)

Oh, my (bleep), have you had...

have you had the Blizzardat Dairy Queef?

-(laughter)-It is intense.

The Internet loves two things:

they love cuteand they love creepy.

They love cute and they lovecreepy, so let's make 'em fight!

I'm gonna show youa still from a video

that could go one of two ways,and for 250 points,

I want you to tell me if thatvideo's gonna be creepy or cute.

All right?First, what's under the pillow?

Creepy or cute, Brittany?

-Cute.-Let's find out.

PAUL:Spider.

HARDWICK:It's adorable!

FURLAN:Aw, he's so cutie!

-Oh, man!-So cutie!

-But that dog has herpes!-FURLAN: And then it just...

-and then his head falls off!-I was expecting his head

to fall and spiders to comeswarming out of his mouth.

HARDWICK:No, it's just a cute dog.

-He's so cute, yay. -So you getpoints, you get points.

Next, what's behind this door?What's behind this door?

PAUL: I got to say,some sort of arachnid?

You think so? So you thinkit's gonna be creepy?

-Yeah. -Okay, let's find out.-I think it's gonna be cute.

FURLAN: Oh, my God,that's so cute.

It's a dog...pulling it through the door.

PAUL:If it's an arachnid...

(audience aw'ing)

-It was just a Corgi!-That was adorable!

-HARDWICK: It was a adorable.-That was adorable!

He's a Corgi.

Next one--what's behind this door?

-Yeah, Vitaly. -Damn,it's pretty dark in there.

-Uh...-FURLAN: Foreigners be like...

(laughter)

-That's a tough one.-PAUL: Can I...

ZDOROVETSKIY: Uh, uh,I would say, uh... a baby.

-You think it's creepy or cute?-So, that's not even an option.

-A baby?-I say a baby!

-I-It's creep. -You thinkit's creepy. All right.

It's creepy. I don't knowwhat's behind the door.

-Let me find out. -Some babiesare pretty (bleep) creepy,

I got to be honest.So you think it's creepy?

-Yeah. -You say creepy?All right, let's find out.

ZDOROVETSKIY: No, no, no,don't go in the door. Don't...

(laughter, shouting)

I was gonna saythere's somebody having sex.

I knew it.

-No!-FURLAN: Is that a dog?

That is not a thing!

Well, that was adorableto some people

-but creepy in this particularinstance. -(bleep)

Also, 'cause I'm pretty sureit's a dog

or it's some sortof lower hell spawn.

FURLAN: What is that?It looks like Splice.

Yeah. It looks like Splice. It looks like Splice.

Whatever it is,it's (bleep) that pillow.

That's crazy. How'd it getthe pillow like that?

How'd it turn off the lights?!

-I don't know.-How were the lights off?!

How did he find the pillowto hump?

-(laughter)-That's really weird.

Next up,how about under this rock?

What's under this rock?Creepy or cute?

Brittany.

-Creepy.-Let's see.

-MAN: Go ahead.-KID: One, two, three...

octopus!

-FURLAN: Ew!-(Paul screaming)

FURLAN:Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Wow!

-(bleep) -But youpicked one up with ease.

-I did. But that thing...-That's so gross.

Why is there an octopusunder a rock?

I don't know.'Cause it's an octopus.

Donald Trump'sbecoming a president,

I'm going under a rock.

HARDWICK:I don't know.

He was just...

(cheering, applause)

He's, uh, he's very famous,uh, he's very famous in Japan.

He's very famous in Japan.Uh, next up, next up,

what about under this rock?I mean,

behind this slowly-opening door.Brittany.

-Cute.-You think it's cute?

Yeah, it's a baby's room,it's got to be. -Let's see.

-No way, no way.-HARDWICK: What is it?

PAUL: Yo! What the (bleep)?(whoops)

-A deer, it's so cute.-How did it get in there?!

It's a reindeer, he's...came in to get his cleaning.

-He just came in to get a toothcleaning. -Aw. -It's cute.

So, I'll give you pointson that 'cause I think

that could be either.I think that could be either.

Next up, next up,this fuzzy little guy.

-PAUL: Ooh. -FURLAN: Oh, God,I've seen this.

-Oh, God. -PAUL:Oh, I've seen this video before.

-HARDWICK: Logan.-Creepy.

-Uh... let's see.-It is. -Obviously.

-Obviously it's creepy.-This thing's terrifying.

You get all the spiders.

-(audience screams)-(Paul screams) No!

No! No!

-Put it back! Put it back.-FURLAN: So...

Now, I feel like the audiencewas a little confused

about what that was, so I thinkwe should watch it again.

(audience groans, screams)

HARDWICK:What's this here?

Aah!

PAUL:Imagine this in your house.

-Where are they?-So disgusting.

Uh, Peter Parker's house.Uh...

Finally...

Thank you.

Finally, how about thishamster eating popcorn?

-Brit...-Cute as (bleep).

Let's see.

FURLAN:And then it dies.

PAUL:Aw.

Are you choking?

I only showed you that one'cause I felt bad

about the spiders one,so there you go.

That was your palate cleanser.

That's the endof Let's Make a Squeal.

Sunday was the 150th anniversaryof the founding of the ASPCA,

the wonderful organization thathelps animals find loving homes

with lovely carpetsthey can (bleep) on.

So, we here on @midnight adore animals,

uh, because without them wewouldn't get GIFs like this.

-FURLAN: It's amazing.-PAUL: Oh! Oh.

Oh, my God.

This was shotthrough the peephole

of a catnip dealer's house.

This cat is really (bleep) up.

Uh, in fact, since our fuzzyfriends keep us so connected

and current, tonight's speedgame is all about animal slang.

So crack open your urbandictionary, rev up your purring,

and give me asmany animal-inspired slang terms

as you can. Examples may include"squid goals"

and "yo llama's so fat."Let's begin.

-Vitaly.-Netflix and chinchilla.

Yes, points. Logan.

Damn, spaniel. Back at it againwith the floppy ears.

All right, points. Brittany.

(bleep)-koi.

Points. Logan.

Turn down for mutts!

Points. Vitaly.

On the wayto steal your gorilla.

Yes, points. Brittany.

-You go, squirrel.-Points.

-Brittany.-Crow-back Thursday.

Points. Vitaly.

Slide into your deer M's.

Yes, points. Brittany.

Mo' bunnies, mo' problems.

Points. Brittany.

Eyebrows on squeak.

Yes, points. Brittany.

I yolk up like this.