Theo Von

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 06/01/2012

Theo Von shares his feelings about the PT Cruiser Convertible, fantasizes about the best way to spend money and explains his text-based friendship with a total stranger.

Hell, yeah, good to be heretonight, huh?

Nice little crowd, huh?

You guys beenhaving a good time?


Eff yes, man.

Good to be here.

Just got backfrom New York City.



I don't know, buddy bear, uh...

Dude, people areso angry there.

I said hello to a guy.

He said "No."

I was like"Man, who (bleep) your fuñata?"

That's where Mexicanskeep their fun.

Got a nice crowd tonight, huh?Little bit of diversity.

Where my white people at?


(bleep), yeah, we're still here.

That's our motto in America.

They are phasing us out.

I'm serious. Hell, yeah.Mexicans bang faster.

Blacks bang better.

Nobody wants to bangwhite people anymore,

not even other white people.

Dude, Mexicans are serious.

They procreate seriously.

A Mexican woman will sneakinto your nuts to get a baby.

Where my Mexican women at?

(sparse woos)

You hear that? Mating call.

Dude, they want a babyevery time.

They (bleep) for keeps.

They want every (bleep)to grow up.

Dude, even if you just jerk offby a Mexican girl,

she'll try to, like,

catch it in her vagitile.

Like that... Mm...


They do that dance

to make sure it's in there.

♪ Bah-ba-da-da-da

♪ A baby already

A Mexican girl makea baby in an hour.

Got a vagina like a microwave.

Dude, I won't even masturbate

to Mexican porn on my computer

'cause my printerwill just start

printing off picturesof children. (whooshing)

Oh, this is my son, Papelito.


This is my daughter, Páginas.

That means "little paper"and "little pages."

Those jokes are for the kids.(chuckles)

I hooked up with one Mexicangirl like a year ago.

She's like,"What are we going to name it?"

Like, "Name it? I'm justtaking my pants off, um..."


Is that a cute Mexican name?

And they are serious, man.

They're sneaking inour country too, these Mexicans.

Not a few, like,you know, millions.

I live on the beachin, uh, California.

Sometimes I just go watch them

come in the morning just...(whooshing)


I'm like, "Those waveshave luggage." (chuckles)

They are sneaky.

They could be tunnelingunder here right now.


You never know.

Find unique waysto get in our country.

I bought a blowup dollthe other day,

blew it up,it's a Mexican lady.

Made me blow upthree of her kids.

The Inflatables family.

Living at my house.

I'm like, "These mother(bleep)snuck in through my lungs."

Who else is here tonight, huh?

Where my black peopleat tonight?

(audience woos)

That's what's up.

I love black people.

I want to be black next time.

It looks fun because you canwear anything you want.

Black guy looks goodin anything.

You ever see a black guy

with that t-shirt down to here?

I'm like,"What size is that? Forever?"

Like, if I wear that,

I look like a lesbianabout to take a nap.

I look like Ellenat a slumber party.

Black guys have allthe cool nicknames:

Doodoo, Pookie,Doodyman, Snicker,

Kit Kat... anything offthe candy aisle.

Payday, 100 Grand, Rollo...

Oh Henry!,that's a gay black guy.

Oh Henry! Oh Henry!

Tart N' Tiny--that's a little gay black guy.

There go little Tart N' Tiny,looking for dicks.

Black people alwayshave a good time.

I was, um, I wasin court the other day

and...(audience chuckling)

That's not the joke, people thatare laughing-- that's racism.

Sorry, black friends.

I was in court the other day andthis black guy pleaded "My bad."

And I was like, "(bleep), yeah,dude, it is on in here, right?"

And I was up right after himfor DUI and I wanted to be cool,

so I pleaded, "Blame iton the a-a-a-a-alcohol.

And blame it on the weed."

And, uh, that's when they got mefor possession of marijuana.

But I blamed thaton the black guy

and they rearrested him.

So, that's...

that's the system.

We got to keep reppingthe struggle.

I can't believe black peoplecan't swim yet.

Y'all are (bleep) around,come on.

Y'all the mostathletic people on Earth.

Can't y'all justrun across the water?

Like, you think it would beeasiest for black people

'cause all they have to dois invent a dance move

that would keep themabove water.

(bleep), teach mehow to doggy-paddle.

All this water love me.

All this, all this waterlove me.

All this water love me,all, all...

which is Spanish for...

Indian. Know your (bleep).

And I, uh, ran into a rental carissue while I was there, okay?

I reserved the SUV, you know?

'Cause I wanna look tough,you know, vehicularly.

And I get there.They don't have my SUV.

So they said they're goingto give me something similar.

And that's Hebrewfor we're going

to (bleep) you here, buddy.

So they give mea PT Cruiser convertible.

Are you familiar with this(bleep) stroller? Yeah.

It's not even like a car.

It's like a trap for gays,really.

It's like you park it somewhere

and open the top,

put a little bit of dickin the middle; then you wait.

When the gays get in,you shut it on them,

take 'em to the police.

(bleep) car, dude.

I had to blow a guyjust to get it to go in reverse.

And I'm not even gay.

I just had to parallel park.

So, that took a while.

I commend you, ladies.

I didn't think it was so hardto give head, you know?

I mean, it looks easierfrom this end.

Thankfully I wore my earplugs.

You know, just 'cause...

well, sucking (bleep)is gay, but...

hearing yourself suck (bleep)...

that's really the gay part.

It's only gayif you can hear it, right?

Silent dicks all day.

I stayed up the other nightwatching something

on television; it was likea public service announcement.

You know, and it's like,"You got to help these kids."

You know,and they show these kids

and something's wrong with them.

And it's likethey're sewing pants

for a penny a dayin sweatshops.

And I'm like, well, if they'resewing pants and they need help,

like, why doesn't one of them

sew a message for helpinto some pants?

Especially if they got all day.

But knowing us in America,

that would just be likea new fashion statement.

Like, "Oh, do you likethese new Thirsty jeans?"

What are these?"Oh, A Lion Ate My Brother."

Ed Hardy? No. Fed Hardly.

They're real nice.

They're real nice.

I stayed up the other nightwatching Nancy Grace.

I wish somebody wouldkidnap this bitch.

Dude, I don't like...that show is bull(bleep).

The show... they sensationalizemissing and molested kids

to sell advertising dollars.

They're not lookingfor these kids.

The show comes onat 11:00 at night.

They haven't found one kid.

It's been on for ten years.

Ten... wha... you give mea half hour and an eight ball,

I'll find a missing kidright out here.

The show comes onat 11:00 at night

and they're like,"Go look for kids..."

Like, I live ina nasty neighborhood.

You go look for them.

(bleep), if I golooking for somebody,

I might be the nextmissing person.

This is a horrible idea, Nance.

Hey, so I got to tell you guysthis story, all right?

Hey so I gotta tell you guysthis story, alright?

So this is a true story.

All right, so six months ago Iget a text message on my phone.

Okay? It's from a random phonenumber that I don't know.

It's a Chicago area code,all right?

I live in Los Angeles.It says, "Hey, it's Wanda."

So I write back, "Wanda who?"

And she writes,"Da Wanda, yo cousin"

And I don't have an cousins.

Both my parentswere only children.

But I was like, "Holy (bleep),it'd be fun if I did, right?"

So I wrote back,"What's up, shorty?"

And she and I have been textingeach other now for six months.

She thinks I'm her cousinthat lives in Los Angeles.

And I actually havea godnephew now

named D'mauri, who's goingto be two years old

in about a week, so...

It's kind of like a big timefor our family.

But I'm like,"This is so much fun."

I'm just going to text everystrange number in America

because I have unlimited textingand I only work at night.

So, now I've textedover 20,000 numbers

and got into the craziestconversations you can imagine.

Like, I'm hiring peoplefor Civil War reenactments.

I'm running blood drivesthat don't exist.

I've been in a relationshipwith one guy

who thinksI'm a 22-year-old woman

stuck at a mental healthfacility in Shawnee, Oklahoma.

Um, it's actually gettinga little out of hand.

But anyway, I takethe best conversations,

I put them on this websiteI started called,

so you can check it out.

But, um...

But people are always like,

"Well, where do youget the numbers?"

And I'm like,

"Well, sharpshooter,you just make them up."

So I'm going to read you guys

one of the conversationsreal quick that I have.

So I write, "Hey, what's up?"

All right, I just sent it outinto the world,

out into the ether. Right?

So, I write, "Hey, what's up?"

This person writes, "Not much.Sorry, new phone. Who is this?"

So, I said,"It's Barry. How ya doing?"

He said, "Hey, I am good.How are you?"

I said, "I'm great.Got through the surgery fine."


He said, "Barry,I don't want to be rude,

but I'm very bad with names.I still can't remember you."

I said, "I forget thingsall the time.

"No biggie.

I'm still in ICU.Just kind of lonely."

He goes,"Barry, I think you have

the wrong number, my friend."

"Who gave you thisas my number?"

I said,"I've had it in my phone."

"You should see the new leg.

(bleep) technology."

(chuckles) Then he goes,"Do you know what my name is?"

And I had to guess.So I just guessed Ben.

He goes, "Sorry, my friend,that's not me,

but I hopeyou feel better soon."

I said,"(bleep), man, me too.

You ever been through anythinglike this?"

'Cause you got to keep 'emgoing.

He goes, "No, not like that.You'll be okay."

I said, "I don't know, man.I feel like such a bitch."

He goes, "(bleep) happens."

Yeah, (bleep) likeyou lose your keys.

Not (bleep) like this.

I said, "Easy for you to say,I'm out a (bleep) leg, homie."

Then he didn't write back.So I wrote,

"Uh, I'm sorry, man.I'm just angry.

This is hard for me.Do you have any advice?"

He goes, "You will get usedto it. Sorry, got to run."

"Got to run" to a guywho had just lost his leg

in intensive care.

That's America.

My back is sweatin'...or my ass is sweatin' up.

You never know whatthe Lord's doing.

'Cause we grew upin a real Christian home.

Like, if we jerked off, my dadmade us bury it in the yard.

That joke's for my brother.I know he would love that one.

I need some money.

I need some. You got to havemoney to get a woman, you know?

And I get it, ladies, you know?

Who wants to bang some poor guy?That's nasty.

You get done banging, you'rejust laying there all poor.

Like, "Oh, can I go get youa towel that doesn't match

"any of the other towels?

What about some tap water,a hot pocket?"

Got to have money, dude.This is how you catch a woman...

Okay, you get all your money

and you put it in a big pile,in a big stack.

Stack yo money.

Okay... And then when a womancomes to get it,

you snatch her.

And that's your wife.

Then you go live with her.

And when she startsacting all crazy,

you just take her backby that money,

let her smell that money pile.

Just splash some 20s on her.(whipping)

That's called wedlock,they call it.

Got to have money, man.

And I want a bunch of money,you know?

Like, (bleep) a little.

Like a wallet?What the f... ah...

That's like a filing cabinetfor a poor person.

I have that. I want to carrymy money in a big sack

like the (bleep) Grinchthat stole everything.

Have all the money,live like a gangster.

Do whatever you want.One of my buddies called me

from home the other dayfrom Louisiana.

He's like,"Hey, man, I got a new job.

Making 40k a year."

Like, that's cool, bud,if you want to, you know,

marry your high schoolgirlfriend, have two kids,

one of them fat,one of them got asthma,

(bleep) have a nice(gasping) life, okay?

(bleep) that. I want to dowhatever I want to do.

Live like a gangster, just walkaround just shootin' people.

(imitating gunshots)

Apologize with money...

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry...

Nobody lives likea gangster anymore, man.

All the celebrities are afraid,

afraid to live how they want.

Michael Jackson, last goodgangster millionaire

they had on the planet.Say what you want, okay?

He had some technical issues.

But he did whateverhe wanted to do, okay?

He had bison in his house,wild animals.

What do you have, a cat?He had bison, okay?

Bison, zebras, alpacas,just running around his house.

(roars)Eating furniture and (bleep).

Okay? Imagine being like this,

"Heya! Heya!" every timeyou want to sit on the sofa.

That's some G-(bleep).

He had a middle school under hisbed, a small private academy.

That's gangsta.

I'm just sayinghe did whatever he wanted to do,

no matter what the media saidabout him.

He did what he wanted to do.

All these other celebritiesare afraid, man.

They're all afraid, afraidof what TMZ will think,

Entertainment Tonight.

I was a huge Brett Favre fan.

I grew up 45 minutesfrom his house.

We used to eat mushrooms,put on Favre jerseys,

run around in his town,pretend we was him, okay?

This dude got busted textingpictures of his penis

to chicks with his phone.

I'm like, dude, why are youdoing what I'm doing?

Like, you're Brett Favre.At least hire a nice artist

to come and paint your penis upreal nice, you know?

Just Ansel Adamssome clouds behind it

and mail that off to woman.

Or just put your phone downand go (bleep) a chick.

You're Brett Favre, dude.

If you shave a little,I might jerk you off, buddy.

I'm not gay,but I'm a football fan.

I just look the other way

and ask him about the timehe beat Detroit.

"It looked cold out there, sir."

Tiger Woods... 'cause he'san example of all of us.

He's black, white, Asian...

uh... Islander, whatever,

all wrapped upinto one cat named man, okay?

And he could have anythinghe wants in the world.

He had all the money, you know?

He could buy all of us.

Yeah, he could. This is America.He could buy us.

'Cause sometimes you thinkif you had all the money,

everything will be perfect,you know?

All the kids are goingto have nice teeth or braces.

Everyone's going to havenice hair or a wig.

Everyone's goingto be eating ham.

And when there's no more ham,guess what, ba-bow, extra ham.


But he had all the money.

He could have anything he wants,

and he's banging chicks... What?

(bleep), you are banging chicks?

Like, I make $52,000 a year.I'm banging chicks, okay?

That's the tax bracket I'm in.

But whenI'm a billionaire, dude,

all I'm (bleep)is endangered species.

I be (bleep) the last white owl.

Whoo, whoo, whoo...

Whoo... This owl soundslike a train.


When I'm a billionaire, I'mfinding other ways to get off.

I'm going to hirea bunch of Mexicans

to come to my house every day,bury all my money in my yard

then dress uplike pirates and dig it up.

Every day.

I'm going to fly up to spacethat night in a special shuttle,

jerk off, and justcome back to the house.

They gonna call methe Space Jerker.

This dude's banging chicks.

When I have my money,I'm going to hire somebody

to give a (bleep).Wouldn't that be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice?You hire just some random dude

off the streetto give a (bleep) for you.

That's his job.

So your wife comes home,she's all pissed.

She's like,"Oh, you're just going

"to spend all our moneyat the casino

and then park your truckin my flower bed?"

I'd be like,"You need to talk to Todd.

I will leave you two alone."

I'm not even going to wear

a bathing suitwhen I have my money.

I'm just going to hiresome random dude

to walk in front of my dicklike this on the beach.

People would be like,"Who is that?"

I'm like, "That's Gary.That's my new suit."

I'd be like,"Tuck your thumb in, Gary."

I don't want that crazy tan linethat look like my penis

has been hitchhikingfor vaginas.

This time I'm goingto wake up every day

when I got all my money, okay?

I'm going to havea bunch of little Asian babies

come in my room, okay?

Because that's the softest babythat the Lord makes, okay?

And they come in and I got theirfeet padded so they extra quiet.

And they've been caged up

so they feel vealy,they real real soft.

And they come in

and look--one of them has a drum.

But I didn't buy him any sticks,

so he just has to carryhis drum.

He's the angry one.

And they come in, and look,this is how they wake me up:

the (bleep) softest wayto wake up in the world,

they sprinkle cinnamon on me.

That's gangsta, son.

When you go to bed at nightand set your alarm clock

to cinnamon Asians...

...then you (bleep) up and setit to brothers with nutmeg.

They show up an hour latewith no nutmeg.