CC Presents: Mitch Hedberg

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 01/04/1999

Mitch Hedberg shares his unorthodox solutions to life's little problems.

HEY, WELCOMETO MY HALF-HOUR SPECIAL.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHO I AM?

WHY DID A BUNCH OF PEOPLEWHO DON'T KNOW WHO I AM

SHOW AT MY SPECIAL?

I USED TO LIVE HEREIN LOS ANGELES ON SIERRA BONITA

AND I HAD AN APARTMENTAND I HAD A NEIGHBOR

AND WHENEVER HE WOULD KNOCKON MY WALL

I KNEW HE WANTED METO TURN MY MUSIC DOWN

AND THAT MADE ME ANGRY'CAUSE I LIKE LOUD MUSIC

SO WHEN HE KNOCKED ON THE WALL,I'D MESS WITH HIS HEAD.

I'D SAY, "GO AROUND."

I CANNOT OPEN THE WALL.

( laughter )

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVEA DOORKNOB ON THE OTHER SIDE

BUT OVER HERE THERE'S NOTHING.

IT'S JUST FLAT.

I LIKE AN ESCALATOR, MAN

'CAUSE AN ESCALATORCAN NEVER BREAK.

IT CAN ONLY BECOME STAIRS.

( laughter and applause )

ALL RIGHT.

THERE WOULD NEVER BE

AN "ESCALATOR TEMPORARILYOUT OF ORDER" SIGN

ONLY AN"ESCALATOR TEMPORARILY STAIRS.

SORRY FOR THE CONVENIENCE."

I RENT A LOT OF CARS, YOU KNOW,'CAUSE I GO ON THE ROAD.

I RENT CARS,AND, WHEN I DRIVE A RENTAL CAR

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ONWITH IT, RIGHT?

SO A LOT OF TIMES I'LL DRIVELIKE FOR TEN MILES

WITH THE EMERGENCY BRAKE ON.

THAT DOESN'T SAY A LOTFOR ME

BUT IT REALLY DOESN'T SAY A LOTFOR THE EMERGENCY BRAKE.

IT'S REALLY NOTAN EMERGENCY BRAKE.

IT'S AN EMERGENCYMAKE-THE-CAR-SMELL-FUNNY LEVER.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T PLEASEALL THE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME

AND LAST NIGHT, ALL THOSE PEOPLEWERE AT MY SHOW.

( laughter )

TO DO THIS SHOW,I HAD TO LIKE TAKE A PHYSICAL.

THEY ASKED ME A BUNCHOF MEDICAL QUESTIONS

AND THEY WERE LIKE"YES OR NO" QUESTIONS

BUT THEY WEREVERY STRANGELY WORDED.

LIKE,"HAVE YOU EVER TRIED SUGAR...

OR P.C.P.?"

BUT I'M A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.I GOT INTO COMEDY

TO DO COMEDY,WHICH IS WEIRD, I KNOW.

BUT, WHEN YOU'RE IN HOLLYWOODAND YOU'RE A COMEDIAN

EVERYBODY WANTS YOU TO DOOTHER THINGS BESIDES COMEDY.

THEY SAY, "ALL RIGHT,YOU'RE A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

"CAN YOU ACT?

"CAN YOU WRITE?

WRITE US A SCRIPT."

THEY WANT ME TO DO THINGSTHAT'S RELATED TO COMEDY

BUT NOT COMEDY.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

IT'S AS THOUGH,IF I WAS A COOK

AND I WORKED MY ASS OFFTO BECOME A GOOD COOK

THEY SAID, "ALL RIGHT,YOU'RE A COOK...

CAN YOU FARM?"

( laughter )

THIS SHOW'S GOINGALL RIGHT, I GUESS.

I'M TRYING TO FEEL IT OUT.

I WANTED TO BUY A CANDLEHOLDER,BUT THE STORE DIDN'T HAVE ONE.

SO I GOT A CAKE.

I WENT TO A CONCERTIN NEW YORK CITY WHERE I LIVE.

IT WAS A HEAVY METAL BANDCALLED MONSTER MAGNET.

THEY WERE HEAVY, BOY.

THE SINGER HAD NO SHIRT ONAND LEATHER PANTS

AND HE WAS PLAYINGLIKE A FLYING "V" GUITAR

AND HE STOOD ON THE MONITORAND HE YELLS AT THE CROWD.

HE SAID, "HOW MANY OF YOU PEOPLEFEEL LIKE HUMAN BEINGS TONIGHT?"

AND THEN HE SAID, "HOW MANY OFYOU PEOPLE FEEL LIKE ANIMALS?"

AND THE THING IS

EVERYONE CHEEREDAFTER THE ANIMALS PART

BUT I CHEEREDAFTER THE HUMAN BEINGS PART

'CAUSE I DID NOT KNOW THERE WASA SECOND PART TO THE QUESTION.

( laughter and applause )

I SAID,"YES, I DO FEEL LIKE A HUMAN.

I DO NOT FEEL LIKE A TREE."

I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I JUST KNOW A GIRLWHO WOULD GET REALLY MAD

IF SHE HEARD ME SAY THAT.

( laughter and applause )

AN APPLAUSE BREAKOVER MY INFIDELITY.

I'VE HAD FOUR AIDS TESTIN MY DAY.

THE AIDS TEST ISVERY SCARY TO GET.

IT DOESN'T MATTERWHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING.

WAITING FOR THE RESULTSIS FRIGHTENING.

SO I DON'T GET THE REGULARAIDS TEST ANYMORE.

I GET THE ROUNDABOUTAIDS TEST.

I CALL MY FRIEND BRIAN.

I SAY, "BRIAN, DO YOU KNOWANYBODY WHO HAS AIDS?

"NO?

"COOL.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW ME."

I GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT

WITH A GIRLFRIENDINSIDE OF A TENT.

THAT'S A BAD PLACEFOR AN ARGUMENT

'CAUSE THEN I TRIED TO WALK OUTAND SLAM THE FLAP.

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSEDTO EXPRESS YOUR ANGER

IN THIS SITUATION?

ZIPPER IT UP REALLY QUICK?

I LIKE TO DRINKBEFORE THE SHOW.

I HAVE A COUPLE DRINKSBEFORE I GO ON STAGE.

( applause )

EVERY TIME PEOPLE APPLAUD

I'M ALWAYS GOING,"NO, NO, HOLD ON."

BUT ALCOHOLISM IS A DISEASEBUT IT'S LIKE THE ONLY DISEASE

THAT YOU CAN GET YELLED ATFOR HAVING.

( laughter )

( applause )

PROVOCATIVE.

DAMN IT, OTTO,YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC.

DAMN IT, OTTO, YOU HAVE LUPUS.

ONE OF THOSE TWODOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.

( laughter )

I WANT TO BEA RACE CAR PASSENGER.

( laughter )

JUST THE GUYWHO BUGS THE DRIVER.

SAY, MAN,CAN I TURN ON THE RADIO?

YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN.

WHY DO WE GOT TO KEEP GOINGIN CIRCLES?

MAN, YOU REALLY LOOK TIRED.

I PLAY GOLF.

I'M NOT GOOD AT GOLF.

I NEVER GOT A HOLE IN ONE.

BUT I DID HIT A GUY...

AND THAT'S WAY MORE SATISFYING.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO YELL FORE,BUT I WAS TOO BUSY MUMBLING

"THERE AIN'T NO WAYTHAT'S GOING TO HIT HIM."

I BOUGHT A DOUGHNUT

AND THEY GAVE MEA RECEIPT FOR THE DOUGHNUT.

I DON'T NEED A RECEIPTFOR A DOUGHNUT.

I'LL JUST GIVE YOU THE MONEY.

YOU GIVE ME THE DOUGHNUT.

END OF TRANSACTION.

WE DON'T NEED TO BRINGINK AND PAPER INTO THIS.

I...

( chuckling )

I JUST CANNOT IMAGINETHE SCENARIO

WHERE I'D HAVE TO PROVETHAT I BOUGHT A DOUGHNUT.

SOME SKEPTICAL FRIEND?

DON'T EVEN ACT LIKEI DIDN'T GET THAT DOUGHNUT.

I GOT THE DOCUMENTATIONRIGHT HERE.

( laughter and applause )

OH, WAIT.

IT'S BACK HOME IN THE FILE...

UNDER "D" FOR DOUGHNUT.

BUT WE ALL KNOW WHAT "D" IS.

I LIKE BAKED POTATOS.

I DON'T HAVE A MICROWAVE OVEN.

IT TAKES FOREVER TO COOKA BAKED POTATO

IN A CONVENTIONAL OVEN.

SOMETIMES I'LL JUST THROWONE IN THERE

EVEN IF I DON'T WANT ONE.

BY THE TIME IT'S DONE,WHO KNOWS?

I THROW A POTATO INAND GO ON VACATION.

MY FRIEND DID THIS TO ME.

MY FRIEND CAME UP TO ME,AND HE SAID THIS.

HE SAID,"HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?

MASHED POTATOES."

IT'S LIKE, DUDE, YOU GOTTO GIVE ME TIME TO GUESS.

( laughter )

( scattered applause )

IF YOU'RE GOING TO QUIZ ME,YOU MUST PUT A PAUSE IN THERE.

I HAD A BOX OF RITZ CRACKERS

AND ON THE BACK OF THE BOXOF RITZ CRACKERS

THEY HAD ALL THESE SUGGESTIONS

AS TO WHAT TO PUTON TOP OF THE RITZ.

IT SAID,"TRY IT WITH TURKEY AND CHEESE.

TRY IT WITH PEANUT BUTTER."

OH, COME ON, MAN,THEY'RE CRACKERS.

THAT'S WHY I GOT THEM.

I LIKE CRACKERS.

NOW, THERE AIN'T NO SUGGESTIONPUT A RITZ ON TOP OF A RITZ.

I DIDN'T BUY THEM 'CAUSETHEY'RE LITTLE EDIBLE PLATES.

( laughter )

ONE TIME I GOTO LIKE A CRAFT FAIR.

I SEE A JAR OF JELLYBEANS.

IT SAID, "GUESS HOW MANYJELLYBEANS ARE IN THE JAR

AND YOU WIN A PRIZE."

AH, COME ON, MAN,LET ME JUST HAVE SOME.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU GUESS HOW MANY I WANT.

IF YOU SAID A HANDFUL,YOU ARE RIGHT.

I HAVE TWO SISTERS

AND ONE OF THEM'S NAMED WENDY

AND, IF YOU ASKED WENDYIF I WAS WEIRD

SHE'D PROBABLY SAY YEAH

BUT THAT'S BACKWARDS'CAUSE SHE'S WEIRD

'CAUSE SHE HAS LIKE A HUSBANDAND TWO CHILDREN

AND THEY HAVE A FAMILY PHOTOON TOP OF THEIR VCR

WHERE THEY'RE ALL LOOKINGSLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT.

AS THOUGH SOMETHINGIS GOING ON OVER THERE.

THE CAMERA ISRIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

BUT I GUESS SOMETHING HAPPENEDTO THE LEFT...

THAT MADE EVERYBODY HAPPY.

EXCEPT MY SISTER IS CROSS-EYED.

SO SHE CAN'T QUITEPULL IT OFF.

ONE EYE IS RIGHT ON.

( laughter )

I WAS AT A CASINO

I WAS STANDING BY THE DOOR...

( laughs )

AND A SECURITY GUARD CAME OVER.

HE SAID, "YOU'RE GOINGTO HAVE TO MOVE.

YOU'RE BLOCKING THE FIRE EXIT."

AS THOUGH IF THERE WAS A FIRE,I WASN'T GOING TO RUN.

( laughter )

IF YOU'RE FLAMMABLEAND HAVE LEGS

YOU ARE NEVER BLOCKINGA FIRE EXIT.

I HATE TURKEYS.

IF YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE

AND YOU STAND IN FRONTOF THE LUNCH MEAT FOR TOO LONG

YOU START TO GET PISSED OFFAT TURKEYS.

YOU SEE LIKE TURKEY HAM,TURKEY PASTRAMI, TURKEY BOLOGNA.

SOMEBODY NEEDSTO TELL THE TURKEYS

"MAN, JUST BE YOURSELF."

I ALREADY LIKE YOU,LITTLE BROTHER.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO EMULATETHE OTHER ANIMALS.

YOU GOT YOUR OWN THING GOING.

I USED TO DRAW YOU.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, IF YOU HADA COUPLE FINGERS MISSING

YOU WOULD DRAWA SCREWED-UP TURKEY.

THAT TURKEY WAS IN AN ACCIDENT.

I GO TO A LOTOF BARS AROUND HERE.

A LOT OF BARS HAVE BLACK LIGHTS,AND, WHEN A BAR

HAS BLACK LIGHTS, EVERYBODYLOOKS VERY COOL, EXCEPT FOR ME

'CAUSE I WASUNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT THE MUSTARD STAIN CAME OUT.

I THINK PIZZA HUT

IS THE COCKIEST PIZZA CHAINON THE PLANET

BECAUSE PIZZA HUT WILL ACCEPTALL COMPETITORS' COUPONS.

THAT MAKES ME WISH I HADMY PIZZA PLACE--

MITCH'S PIZZERIA.

THIS WEEK'S COUPON,UNLIMITED FREE PIZZA.

SPECIAL NOTE: COUPON NOT GOOD

AT ANY OF THE MITCH'SPIZZA LOCATIONS.

FREE PIZZA OVEN WITH PURCHASE...

OF A SMALL COKE.

( laughs )

TWO FOR TUESDAY.

BUY ONE PIZZAAND GET ONE FRANCHISE FREE.

WHENEVER I WALK,PEOPLE TRY TO HAND ME FLIERS

AND, WHEN SOMEONE TRIESTO HAND ME OUT A FLIER

IT'S KIND OF LIKETHEY'RE SAYING

"HERE. YOU THROW THIS AWAY."

I CAN'T FLOSS MY TEETH, MAN.

I CAN'T GETINTO THE FLOSSING THING.

PEOPLE WHO SMOKE CIGARETTES,THEY SAY

"MAN, YOU DON'T KNOWHOW HARD IT IS TO QUIT SMOKING."

YES, I DO.

IT'S AS HARD AS IT ISTO START FLOSSING.

"YOU SEEM JITTERY."

"YEAH. I'M ABOUT TO FLOSS."

I LIKE CINNAMON ROLLS--THAT'S WHY I WISH

THEY MADELIKE A CINNAMON ROLL INCENSE

'CAUSE I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TIMETO MAKE A PAN.

PERHAPS I'D RATHER LIGHT A STICK

AND THEN HAVE MY ROOMMATESWAKE UP WITH FALSE HOPES.

I PLAYED IN A DEATH METAL BAND.

PEOPLE EITHER LOVED USOR THEY HATED US

OR THEY THOUGHT WE WERE OKAY.

A LOT OF DEATH METAL BANDSHAVE INTENSE NAMES

LIKE "RIGOR MORTIS"

OR "MORTUARY"

OR "OBITUARY."

WE WEREN'T THAT INTENSE.

WE JUST WENT WITH "INJURED."

LATER ON, WE CHANGED ITTO "A CAPPELLA"

AS WE WERE WALKINGOUT OF THE PAWN SHOP.

( laughter )

WE BECAME A DEATH METALBARBER SHOP QUARTET.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU GOTO CONCERTS LIKE PUNK ROCK

AND THE KIDS GET ON STAGE

AND THEY JUMP INTO THE CROWD,STAGE DIVING?

PEOPLE THINK THAT'S DANGEROUSBUT NOT ME

BECAUSE HUMANS ARE MADEOUT OF 95% WATER.

SO THE AUDIENCE ISFIVE PERCENT AWAY FROM A POOL.

I SMOKE CIGARS OCCASIONALLY.

I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT CIGARS.

AT THE CIGAR STORE,THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER SAID

"WHAT KIND OF CIGARSDO YOU LIKE?"

"UH... IT'S A BOYS."

( laughter )

I WAS AT A BAR.

I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

NO ONE WAS TALKING TO ME'CAUSE I'D JUST DID A SHOW.

( laughter )

THIS GUY BUMPED INTO ME,WHICH IS COOL

BUT HE DIDN'T APOLOGIZE.

HE SAID, "MOVE."

AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS RUDE,SO I SAID, "GO TO HELL."

THEN I STARTED TO RUN.

HE CAUGHT UP WITH ME.

HE HAD A MUSTACHE, A GOATEE

A PAIR OF EARRINGS,A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES

AND HIS HAIR WAS IN A PONYTAILAND HE WAS WEARING A HAT.

HE SAID, "HEY, YOU GOTA LOT OF NERVE."

I SAID,"HEY, YOU GOT A LOT OF...

CRANIUM ACCESSORIES."

THIS IS A SMART CROWD.

WHEN I PLAY THE DUMB CROWDS

I HAVE TO SAY, "YOU GOT A LOTOF ( bleep ) ON YOUR HEAD."

ACID OPENED UP MY MIND.

IT EXPANDED MY MIND.

( cheering )

BECAUSE OF ACID

I NOW KNOW THAT BUTTER ISWAY BETTER THAN MARGARINE.

I SAWTHROUGH THE BULL ( bleep ).

WHEN I WAS ON ACID, I WOULD SEETHINGS LIKE BEAMS OF LIGHT

AND I WOULD HEAR SOUNDSTHAT SOUNDED

AN AWFUL LOT LIKE CAR HORNS.

( laughs )

WHEN WE WERE ON ACID,WE WOULD GO INTO THE WOODS

'CAUSE, WHEN YOU'REIN THE WOODS TRIPPING

THERE'S LESS LIKELY A CHANCE

YOU'D RUNINTO AN AUTHORITY FIGURE

BUT WE RAN INTO A BEAR.

THAT WAS EVEN MORE OF BUZZ KILL.

MY FRIEND DWAYNEWAS STANDING THERE

RAISING HIS RIGHT HAND, SWEARINGTO HELP PREVENT FOREST FIRES.

( laughter and applause )

WE GOT HIM AWAY FROM THE BEAR.

HE PUT HIS ARMAROUND MY SHOULDER.

HE SAID, "MITCHELL, SMOKEY ISWAY MORE INTENSE IN PERSON."

I WENT TO ENGLAND TO TELL JOKES

AND I WANTED TO DO MYSMOKEY THE BEAR JOKE IN ENGLAND

SO I HAD TO ASKTHE ENGLISH PEOPLE

IF THEY KNOW WHO SMOKEY THE BEARWAS, BUT THEY DON'T

BECAUSE IN ENGLANDSMOKEY THE BEAR IS NOT

THE FOREST FIRE PREVENTIONREPRESENTATIVE.

THEY HAVE SMACKY THE FROG.

( laughter )

IT'S A LOT LIKE A BEAR,BUT IT'S A FROG

AND I THINKTHAT'S A BETTER SYSTEM.

I THINK WE SHOULD ADOPT ITBECAUSE BEARS CAN BE MEAN...

BUT FROGS ARE ALWAYS COOL.

NEVER HAS THERE BEEN A FROGHOPPING TOWARD ME

AND I THOUGHT,"MAN, I'D BETTER PLAY DEAD.

HERE COMES THAT FROG."

I'VE NEVER SAID,"HERE COMES THAT FROG"

IN A HORRIFYING MANNER.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE OPTIMISTIC.

LIKE, "HEY,HERE COMES THAT FROG.

"ALL RIGHT.

"MAYBE HE WILL SETTLE NEAR ME...

"AND I CAN PET HIM...

"AND PUT HIM IN A MAYONNAISE JAR

"WITH A STICK AND A LEAF...

TO RECREATE WHAT HE'S USED TO."

I WEAR V-NECK SHIRTS,ALWAYS.

THIS IS A V-NECK I GOT ON.

MY NECK IS SO FRAGILE, MAN.

I CAN'T WEARA REGULAR NECK SHIRT. IT HURTS.

AND I ESPECIALLY HATETURTLENECKS.

LIKE WEARING A TURTLENECKIS LIKE BEING STRANGLED

BY A REALLY WEAK GUY.

( laughter )

ALL DAY.

LIKE IF YOU WEAR A TURTLENECKAND A BACKPACK

IT'S LIKE A WEAK MIDGETTRYING TO BRING YOU DOWN.

( laughter and applause )

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GOIN A RESTAURANT ON THE WEEKENDS

IT GETS BUSY, SO THEY STARTA WAITING LIST.

THEY START CALLING OUT NAMES.

THEY SAY LIKE,"DUFRESNE, PARTY OF TWO.

TABLE READY FOR DUFRESNE,PARTY OF TWO."

AND, IF NO ONE ANSWERS,THEY'LL SAY THE NAME AGAIN.

"DUFRESNE, PARTY OF TWO,"BUT THEN IF NO ONE ANSWERS

THEY'LL JUST GO RIGHT ONTO THE NEXT NAME.

"BUSH, PARTY OF THREE."

YEAH, BUT WHAT HAPPENEDTO THE DUFRESNES?

NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE.

( laughter )

WHO CAN EAT AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

PEOPLE ARE MISSING.

YOU PEOPLE ARE SELFISH.

THE DUFRESNES AREIN SOMEONE'S TRUNK RIGHT NOW...

( laughter )

WITH DUCT TAPE OVER THEIR MOUTHS

AND THEY'RE HUNGRY.

THAT'S A DOUBLE WHAMMY.

WE NEED HELP.

"BUSH, SEARCH PARTY OF THREE."

"YOU CAN EATONCE YOU FIND THE DUFRESNES."

I THINK PRINGLE'S'INITIAL INTENTION

WAS TO MAKE TENNIS BALLS.

BUT ON THE DAY THAT THE RUBBERWAS SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP

A BIG TRUCKLOAD OF POTATOESARRIVED

AND PRINGLE'S ISA LAID-BACK COMPANY.

THEY SAID, "( bleep ).JUST CUT 'EM UP."

I WROTE A SCRIPT AND I GAVE ITTO A GUY WHO READS SCRIPTS

AND HE READ ITAND HE SAID HE REALLY LIKES IT

BUT HE THINKSI NEED TO REWRITE IT.

I SAID, "( bleep ) THAT.

I'LL JUST MAKE A COPY."

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