We Be Clownin'

  • 03/05/2014

The guys are riding high after taking side jobs as a clown troupe, but the prestige of their new lifestyle quickly goes to their heads.

YOU WERE LIKE A MODERN-DAYJEFF DUNHAM.

- YEAH.

- WERE YOU WEARING STILTSOR NOT?

STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT.- OH, WELL...

- NO, THE KIDS WERE--THEY WERE, LIKE, ALL--

"HOW--HE CAN'T BE THAT TALL.

THAT'S NOT EVENHUMANLY POSSIBLE."

- THANK YOU.

- AND LET'S NOT FORGETBIG-BALLIN' BLAKE OVER HERE

WITH YOUR ARTWORK, DUDE.

- STOP. STOP.

- I'M JUST GLAD SOMEBODYFINALLY APPRECIATES IT,

BECAUSE I THINK IT'S HORRIBLE.

I'M ALWAYS TRYIN'TO THROW IT AWAY,

BUT IT'S COOL THAT, LIKE,PARENTS AND, LIKE, DUMB KIDS,

LIKE, GET IT AND--AND LOVE IT.

- WELL, YOU KNOW,IT'S FUN WHILE IT LASTED.

- YEAH, IT IS.- YO, BLAKE.

IT MIGHT NOT BE OVER.

APPARENTLY WE MADE IT ONTORANCHO KIDZAMUNGA.

IT'S A BLOG ABOUTALL THING KIDS IN THE R.C.

HEY, THAT'S US!

- [laughs]- OH, WE'RE FAMOUS!

- YEAH.- YES! YES!

- THAT'S CRAZY.

- I ALWAYS KNEW I'D BE FAMOUS,DUDE.

- HANG ON.SHH FOR A SECOND.

- I ALWAYS KNEW I'D BE FAMOUS.- HELLO?

- I'M ABOUT TO BANGA KARDASHIAN.

- YES, WE BE CLOWNIN'.

THEY'RE CALLIN' ABOUT USFOR A PARTY!

- [gasping]- [laughs]

- WE'RE DEFINITELY AVAILABLE.

- OH! OH!

- TWINS?- WE DID IT.

- OH, WE DID IT!- OKAY.

7:00 IT IS.THANK YOU.

- SHOULD WE CELEBRATESOME GOOD TIMES?

COME ON.- I WOULD LOVE TO, MAN.

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNATURN ON THE RADIO

OR PANDORA OR SOMETHIN'?

- NOPE.- LET'S JAM.

- HOW ABOUT WE SIPSOME OF DADDY'S BREW, BABY?

- OH, YOU DIRTY DOG.NICE.

NO, I LIKE THAT...

- WE'VE GOT THIS CITYBY THE BALLS, BOYS.

- WE'RE BEIN' NAUGHTY![laughs]

- OH, MY GOD.

SHH.QUIET CHEERS.

- QUIET CHEERS.QUIET CHEERS.

- WE SHOULD RENT A MIATA.

all: MIATA!

- WHOO!

TIME TO GATHER AROUND

AND WATCH THE TALLEST CLOWNIN THE WORLD

HYPNOTIZE YOUR PARENTS INTODOING WACKY AND WILD THINGS.

SO PERHAPS THE WOMAN IN BLUEWOULD BE SO KIND AS TO JOIN ME.

- OOH.

[all clapping]

- TIME TO BE HYPNOTIZED.

NOW, IF YOU WOULD JUST TAKESOME DEEP BREATHS...

PREPARE YOUR BODY.

- [breathes in]

- NICE, AND...

SHE'S ASLEEP!

[laughter]

HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!

- HEY, NURSE JACKIE,

YOU'RE A NURSE, RIGHT?

I NEED YOU TO HELP MEWITH SOMETHIN'.

[laughter]

WELL, YOU CAN'T KILL STUPID,STUPID.

[gasps]

WAIT, WHAT?

WHO YOU CALLIN' STUPID,DUMMY?

YOU'RE THE DUMMY, DUMMY.

OH, OW!

ZOINKS!

[laughter]

- I LOVE YOU, NURSE JACKIE.

all: AW!

- [laughs]THAT WAS SO CUTE.

- YOU'RE A TIGER!

YOU'RE A TOAD!RIBBIT!

WHO IS THIS?

HE'S AN OWL!

- ZOINKS!

I'D RATHER BE A DUMMYTHAN AN IDIOT.

- I LOVE YOU, JACKIE!

- YOU LOVE ME TOO, RIGHT?

- NO.I LOVE JACKIE.

- OKAY.

GET OFF.GET OFF.

SIT DOWN.

- NOW,WHY DON'T WE SEE IF MOMMY

COULD WIND HER BODYLIKE A SNAKE?

AND SHE'S AWAKE!

WHOA!

I'M ON STILTS.

- THEY THINKNURSE JACKIE'S REAL.

GUESS WHAT?I'M REAL.

I'M A REAL BOY.

- HI, CLOWNS.- WHOA!

- JEEZ!- WHOA.

- EW.WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

- WE'RE OFF THE CLOCK, KID.

GO, UM, SUCK YOUR MOM'S [bleep]FOR ME.

[laughter]

JEEZ.

I THOUGHT IT WASA MINIATURE COP.

- UH, UH...

- WE GHOST RIDIN'.

WE GHOST RIDIN'.

- HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?

POW!

- NO, NO, NO, NO,WHAT DO YOU MEAN

THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKEDIMEBAG DARRELL?

DO YOU EVEN, LIKE,KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PANTERA?

- I'M DYING!

[groans]

OH, JACKIE!

OH, NO!

MAYBE IT'S JUST YOUR TIMETO GO...

STRAIGHT TO HELL!

[all screaming]

- IS THE, UH, HYPNOTISM SHOWGONNA START SOON?

- OH, YEAH.SORRY ABOUT THAT.

UM, WHEN I CLAP MY HANDS,

YOU'RE GONNA BE A LOSER DADTHAT WALKS AWAY.

- YOU SUCK [bleep].

- [laughs]

PROVE IT.

- WHOA, BOYS.

MEGA-SALE ATBURLINGTON COAT FACTORY?

- [laughs]NO.

WE HIT THE BAR.

- THE DENIM BAR.

- WE LIVIN' THAT SNIPE LIFE NOW.

- BASICALLY WE DRESS LIKEWESLEY SNIPES NOW

'CAUSE WE CAN AFFORD TOWITH OUR SIDE JOBS.

- THAT'S GOOD FOR YOU,

BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO WORKAT THIS JOB.

- OH, DON'T MAKE ME GOFULL-BLOWN CLOWN ON YOUR ASS.

- OKAY, I DON'T EVEN WANTTO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

- WHAT HE'S TRYIN' TO TELL YOU

IS THAT YOU ARE LOOKINGAT RANCHO CUCAMONGA'S

PREMIER CLOWN TROUPE.

WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCINGRIGHT NOW

IS CALLED TROUPE ENVY.

- WELL, YOU'RE ABOUTTO EXPERIENCE

MY HEEL IN YOUR MANHOLE

IF YOU DON'T GET ONTHE PHONES NOW,

AND PLEASE, TRY TO DRESSLIKE LOSERS WHO WORK HERE.

THANKS.

- I THOUGHT WE LOOKED COOL.- YEAH.

- WE LOOK VERY SOLID.

- WE LOOK--YEAH.WE LOOK COOL.

- HEY, IF YOU GUYSARE AVAILABLE,

MY NIECE IS HAVINGA BIRTHDAY.

- $150 A POP.- MM-HMM.

- BUT WE'LL GIVE YOUTHE FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

$100 AND NO PHOTOS.- OKAY.

- ALSO THIS LIST OF THINGSTHAT WE WANT.

- YUP.- THE PICKLES CAN BE MIDGET.

BUT THE CHEETOS BETTER BEPUFFY.

WE ARETHE BIRTHDAY PARTY CLOWNS.

WHO WANTS TO GETTHEIR LITTLE FACE

PAINTED LIKE A MONKEY?- NO ONE.

- WHO YOU CALLIN' A DUMMY,DUMMY?

PFFT, OH.

- AND WHO WANTS TO SEE

THE TALLEST CLOWN IN THE WORLD

HYPNOTIZE YOUR MOMMY OR DADDYINTO BARK--

OKAY, THIS DOESN'T WORKWHEN YOU'RE HERE.

- HEY, I HEARD YOU GUYSARE GREAT AT WHAT YOU DO,

BUT I GUESS THEY NEEDEDSOMEONE TO COVER, SO I--

- WELL, GUESS WHAT?WE'RE HERE NOW, OKAY?

SO HOW ABOUT YOU GET ONYOUR MAGIC CARPET AND--

AND FLY WITH A WOMAN

AND HAVE HER NOT CLOSE HER EYES'CAUSE I KNOW THE WORDS!

- HEY!- YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL!

I KNOW THE WORDSTO A LOT OF DISNEY TRACKS!

- OKAY.- AND MUSICALS.

- OKAY, YOU GUYSARE MAKING A SCENE,

AND I DON'T THINK THE KIDSWANT YOU HERE, SO PLEASE--

- [laughs]- OOH, YEAH.

THE KIDS DON'T WANT US HERE.

- THEY DON'T WANT US HERE.- OKAY.

- WE KNOW KIDS, OKAY?- YEAH.

I THINK THEY'RE GONNAWANT US HERE

WHEN THEY SEEOUR GRAND FINALE, KIDS!

- WHAT GRAND FINALE?

- [laughs]- GET READY.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.- ME AND THE DUDES--

WE ARE GOING TO FIGHTA COBRA!

[all cheering]

- WHAT? NO. NO.THAT'S CRAZY.

GO!YOU GUYS ARE GONE. GO.

[all booing]

- YOU KNOW WHAT?FINE, JILLIAN.

THAT'S OKAY, BUT REMEMBER,

YOU'RE THE ONEWHO MADE THESE KIDS CRY.

TK, YOU CAN HAVE THIS ONE,PLAYBOY.

JILLIAN,WE DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY.

WE GOT THE WHOPPER OF ALLBIRTHDAY PARTIES TOMORROW, MAN.

- THE RICHEST DUDE IN RANCHO,

RICK MESSINAFROM MESSINA THEATERS.

YOU HEARD OF IT?

THE FAMOUS THEATER CHAIN.

IT HAD BLANK CHECK THEREAS A KID,

SO IT REALLY MEANS A LOTTO ME.

- YEAH, WELL, SHE KNOWSWHO RICK MESSINA IS

BECAUSE I'M RICK MESSINA,

AND AFTER SEEINGWHATEVER THAT WAS,

I'VE GOT TKPLAYIN' MY KIDS PARTY NOW.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE YOUAT THE PONDEROSA, MAN.

YOUR VOICE IS AMAZING.

- WE DON'T NEED TO DOYOUR STUPID THING

'CAUSE WE'RE LIVIN'MIATA LIFE.

THAT'S RIGHT!WE HAVE A MIATA!

- UH--- WAIT.

- COOKIE!SMASH!

- TONY, PUNCH TKIN THE STOMACH.

[laughter]

- THAT'S WHYI DON'T WANT A KID, MAN.

THEY'RE DUMB.- IT IS WHAT IT IS.

IT'S TIME TO MAKE SURETK'S NEXT DUNK

IS A REAL SHOWSTOPPER.

- THAT WAS A COOL LINE, DUDE.

- YEAH. THANKS. YEAH.

I'VE BEEN WATCHIN' A LOTOF '80s MOVIES LATELY.

- YEAH, IT WAS LIKEAN ACTION MOVIE EXIT LINE.

- GOOD LUCK.YOU LOOK COOL.

- [scatting]

♪ TONY, DO-DO-DO-DO

♪ WHOO, DO-DO-DO-DO

♪ TONY, TONY, TONY,IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S HEREHAVING FUN ♪

♪ TONY, TONY, TONY, TONY, TONY

WHOO!

- SHUT UP!SHH!

- WISH NUMBER TWO...- AW, MAN.

IT'S SHOWTIME, BABY!

- WHO WANTS TO SEE ME DUNKTHIS GOLD BASKETBALL?

[all cheering]

- I WISH YOU BREAK YOUR LEG.

- I WISH YOU DIE.

- ALL RIGHT, TONY.

NOW, LET'S HEAR YOU MAKETHE WISH,

AND I'LL ASK THE GENIEIN THE LAMP

IF HE'LL ALLOW ME TO DUNK.

- MY WISH TO GENIEIS THAT I GET TO DUNK THE BALL!

- THAT'S MY BOY!

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!- GO, TONY!

[all gasping]

- OH!

- OW!- TONY!

- [cries]IT HURTS! OW!

I WISH THE PAIN WOULD GO AWAY!

PLEASE, GENIE!

MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY!

- JESUS, TK!

YOU COULD HAVE KILLED HIM!

PACK UP THIS STUFF!

THE PARTY'S OVER!

- OW.- IT'S OVER!

- OW! OW!

- [laughs]

- WHOO!- COBRA!

- OH, THE KIDSARE GONNA LOVE THIS.

- COBRA TIME.

- I'M NEVER GONNARECOMMEND YOU...

- OH, CHECK THIS OUT.

- DO ANOTHER KID'S PARTYEVER,

YOU R&B-SINGIN'BASKETBALL-DUNKIN'

ALADDIN IMPERSONATOR!

- I'M REALLY SORRY, SIR,

BUT I COULD REALLY, REALLY USETHAT MONEY.

- SAVE IT.YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T SUE YOU.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE!

- THIS GUY'S NEVER GONNA WORKIN THIS TOWN AGAIN.

AND NOW TK HAS GOT A--- BITCH...

HE'S GOT TO GET INHIS LITTLE-ASS CAR

THAT LOOKS LIKEHE'S, LIKE, LIVING IN.

- WITH HIS WIFEAND, UH, BABY.

- THIS JUST GOTDOUBLE ICKY FOR ME.

- WE RUINED THIS DUDE'S LIFE.I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

WATCH THIS.- WAIT, HEY!

- TK, WHAT'S UP, MAN?

YOU MUST BE JASMINE.

GOOD TO MEET YOU.

HOW DO I SAY THIS?ARE YOU MEXICAN?

- WHAT ARE YOU--COME ON.- NO, STOP.

- ARE YOU, THOUGH?BECAUSE WE ARGUED ABOUT IT.

- WE'RE HERE TO TELL YOUTHAT WE'RE SORRY

BECAUSE WE'RE THE ONESWHO CUT THE SPRINGS

ON YOUR TRAMPOLINE.

WELL, WE THOUGHTYOU WERE--

- YOU WERE GONNABREAK YOUR FACE OPEN,

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST--KEEP IT GANG RELATED,

AND LIL' MAN GOT IN THE WAY.

- LIKE, THE LITTLE KIDENDED UP REALLY HURTING HIMSELF,

BUT WE THOUGHTIT WAS GONNA BE YOU.

- YEAH.- SUPPOSED TO BE ME?

- WE WANTED TO HURT YOU.

- Y'ALL COULD HAVE KILLEDTHAT KID,

AND I LOST $200ON TOP OF THAT!

TO FEED MY SEED!TO GIVE MY GIRL A PROPER HOME!

WE RUINED THAT KID'S BIRTHDAY,AND YOU ONLY GET SO MANY.

- IT'S FINE.HE'S A KID.

HE'LL HAVE OTHER BIRTHDAYS,RIGHT?

- Y'ALL THINK EVERYONEHAS A BIRTHDAY, HUH?

- YES, I DO.- YES.

- WELL, WHEN'S MINE?- UH, NOVEMBER.

- NOPE.- JULY.

- NOPE.

- I LOVE THIS GAME.AUGUST.

- I DON'T HAVE ONE!

I NEVER HAVE.

MOMS COULDN'T AFFORD IT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWHOW OLD I AM, Y'ALL.

I BE--I BE TELLIN' MY PEOPLEI'M 19 AND [bleep].

- OH, THAT'S WRONG.- YOU'RE NOT 19.

- YEAH.YOU ARE NOT 19.

- YEAH.AT LEAST...

both: 38?

- WHOA.- YEAH.

WHAT'S UP--WE'RE, LIKE, BEST FRIENDS.

- YEAH.WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.

- HE'S COOL TOO.- THANKS.

- HELPIN' THESE KIDSCELEBRATE THEIR BIRTHDAYS

WAS ALL I HAD,AND NOW THAT'S GONE.

- THAT'S REALLY SAD ACTUALLY.

- HEY.- YEAH.

- TODAY!

TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- 'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA MAKE ITYOUR BIRTHDAY RIGHT NOW!

'CAUSE WE'RE GONNAENTERTAIN YOU!

HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

- IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.

- SURE IT IS!

WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU SEE

OUR NEVER-BEFORE-SEENGRAND FINALE? HUH?

- YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS, DUDE.BIRTHDAY BOY!

- [laughs]WE FIGHT A COBRA!

- OH!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

THERE'S NO SNAKE IN THERE.

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