CC Presents: Jake Johannsen

  • 04/03/2003

Jake Johannsen: THANK YOU.

I FEEL PRETTY GOOD.

YOU KNOW THAT WE DON'T HAVE MUCH

TIME NOW, AFTER ALL THAT

APPLAUSE.

(LAUGHTER)

SO, LET ME JUST GET RIGHT

TO THE POINT OF IT.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'VE BEEN

WORRIED ABOUT.

WE, AS A PLANET, EARTH, ANYBODY?

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S THE THING.

WE HAVE BEEN SENDING MESSAGES

INTO OUTER SPACE TO

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS.

WE'RE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE

WITH ALIENS, AND BASICALLY OUR

MESSAGE IS "HEY, HERE WE ARE,

COME ON DOWN."

YEAH.

I THINK THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I HAVE SOME PEOPLE WHO AGREE

WITH ME.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

WE ARE HERE, AND WE CAN'T GO--

IF THEY CAN COME HERE,

THEY'RE SMARTER THAN US.

WE CAN'T GO--

THEY'RE INTERGALACTIC SPACE

TRAVELERS, YOU KNOW?

WHY WOULD THEY EVEN WANT TO COME

HERE?

IT'D BE LIKE IF YOU GOT A NOTE

FROM YOUR DOG.

(LAUGHTER)

"MEET ME IN THE YARD."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

YOU WOULD HAVE TO WONDER WHAT

THIS IS ABOUT, YOU KNOW?

SO, IF THEY CAN COME HERE,

THEY'RE SMARTER THAN US AND THEN

THEY KNOW THEY'RE SMARTER THAN

US, TOO, BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN

BEAMING COPS INTO OUTER SPACE.

SO, THEY KNOW THEY'RE SMARTER.

THEY'RE PROBABLY GONNA CALL US

AS A JOKE, AND SAY, "HEY, HERE'S

WHERE WE ARE, WHY DON'T YOU

COME ON UP?"

YOU KNOW?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA SAY BACK

TO THAT, YOU KNOW?

"HOW ABOUT WE MEET YOU

ON THE MOON?"

RIGHT.

IT'S NOT THAT IMPRESSIVE,

THE MOON.

AND ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CONSIDER

WE CAN ONLY SEND THREE GUYS.

AND ONE OF THEM HAS TO WAIT

IN THE CAR.

(LAUGHTER)

SO YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN

WORRIED ABOUT.

ACTUALLY, I HAVE A LOT OF IDEAS

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THINKING

ABOUT PROBLEMS, I HAVE A PLAN

FOR THE HOMELESS, YOU KNOW, OF

COURSE WE'RE IN NEW YORK CITY.

YOU HAVE THE HOMELESS HERE--

AS HARD AS IT IS TO BELIEVE,

AND YOU KNOW, IT GETS COLD

IN THE WINTER HERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DO IN

JANUARY.

JUST GO OUT WITH A BIG SET

OF TONGS AND PICK THEM UP?

I FEEL BAD FOR THESE POOR

HOMELESS PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

I FEEL BAD FOR THEM.

AND PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL YOU,

WELL, DON'T GIVE THE HOMELESS

MONEY, BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST

GONNA SPEND IT ON BOOZE OR

DRUGS, RIGHT?

WELL, I KIND OF FEEL LIKE "HEY,

THE GUY LIVES IN A BOX."

YOU KNOW, YEAH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MAYBE HE COULD USE A DRINK.

(LAUGHTER)

SO, I DON'T MIND

IF THEY SPEND IT ON THAT.

BUT I CAN'T AFFORD TO BE GIVING

THEM ALL MONEY.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY A ROUND

FOR THE HOMELESS.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, MAYBE IF I WIN THE

LOTTERY, I'LL, YOU KNOW,

BELLY UP, HOMELESS PEOPLE.

TONIGHT, WE LIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I HAVE TO WIN THE LOTTERY

FOR THAT PLAN TO TAKE EFFECT.

SO, I NEED A BACK-UP PLAN.

AND HERE IT IS.

I'VE COMBINED THE HOMELESS

PROBLEM WITH THE HEALTH CARE

CRISIS.

SO, IN MY PLAN, WHAT WE DO

IS WE SEND THE HOMELESS

TO MEDICAL SCHOOL.

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT.

NOW, THEY'VE ALL GOT GOOD JOBS,

AND WHENEVER YOU NEED A DOCTOR,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE

AN APPOINTMENT, BECAUSE THEY'RE

JUST OUT WALKING AROUND,

YOU KNOW?

YES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.

YOU KNOW, WHICH IS A BIG PROB--

CALIFORNIA, WE PASS THESE LAWS

ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

ALL THE TIME, AND THEY'RE

CONTROVERSIAL, AND HARD

TO ENFORCE.

MY PLAN FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION,

VERY SIMPLE, BURNING RIVER OF

GAS.

(LAUGHTER)

YES.

WITH THE WHOLE BORDER,

BURNING RIVER OF GAS, AND--

I SAY WE DO CANADA TOO,

JUST TO BE FAIR.

RIGHT.

WELL, WE DO NOT NEED ALAN THICKE

COMIN' DOWN HERE WHENEVER

HE WANTS.

(LAUGHTER)

FIRST OF ALL, BURNING RIVER

OF GAS, THAT IS GONNA CREATE

A LOT OF JOBS, YOU KNOW,

IT'S A BIG PROJECT.

AND SECOND OF ALL, TOURIST

ATTRACTION.

I WOULD GO SEE THAT, WOULDN'T

YOU?

BURNING RIVER OF GAS?

IT'S LIKE, WHOA.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

SOMEBODY TRY AND RUN ACROSS.

WHAAA!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW HAVE THE RANGER

PUT THEM OUT, THROW THEM BACK

ON THE OTHER SIDE.

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

AND YEAH, MAYBE WE CAN EVEN

TURN IT OFF AND ON AT RANDOM,

TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO GO FOR

IT.

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

RIGHT.

YOU'LL BE DOWN THERE TAILGATING

WITH YOUR FAMILY.

YOU GOT IT.

YOU GOT IT.

YOU GOT IT.

WHAAA!

BEST VACATION EVER.

Jake Johannsen: THE BEAUTY OF MY

PLANS IS THAT WE COULD ACTUALLY

DO THEM, YOU KNOW?

SOME OF THE STUFF--

I'M SKEPTICAL ABOUT SOME OF

THE THINGS WE SPEND OUR MONEY

ON NOW, OUR TAX MONEY?

THAT STEALTH BOMBER, THAT THING.

THE INVISIBLE PLANE--

$2 BILLION FOR AN INVISIBLE

PLANE THAT YOU CAN SEE.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I WOULDN'T MIND IF THEY JUST

SHOWED YOU AN EMPTY FIELD

AND LIKE HEY, EVERYBODY IT'S

THE STEALTH BOMBER, YOU KNOW.

NOW, I'M GETTING MY MONEY'S

WORTH.

BUT THEY DON'T.

THEY FLY IT OVER THE SUPER BOWL.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE,

"LOOK, IT'S THE STEALTH BOMBER."

I'M LIKE, NOT INVISIBLE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, TURN IT ON.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YEAH.

YOU WOULD THINK FOR $2 BILLION,

THEY COULD BLINK IT ONE TIME

FOR US.

AND THEN MY FRIEND TELLS ME,

"NO, IT INVISIBLE TO RADAR,"

SO WE CAN BOMB PEOPLE AS LONG AS

THEY'RE NOT...LOOKING UP.

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT--

WHICH IS TRICKY.

I GUESS WE GO IN FIRST AND

THROW OUT A BUNCH OF QUARTERS,

AND THEN WHEN THEY'RE ALL

RUNNING AROUND LIKE THAT.

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

EXACTLY.

THAT'S WHEN WE BOMB THE HELL

OUT OF THEM.

SO ANYWAY, YEAH, I MEAN,

REALLY.

BUT I DO FLY A LOT,

TRAVEL AROUND.

I HAD--

MY BIGGEST TRIP EVER WAS ABOUT

A YEAR, YEAR AND A HALF AGO,

I WENT TO HONG KONG, CHINA.

WELL, THERE MIGHT BE ANOTHER ONE

IN TENNESSEE, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT, AH, I WENT TO CHINA,

AND, YOU KNOW, THEY TELL BEFORE

YOU GO TO HONG KONG THAT

EVERYBODY IN HONG KONG SPEAKS

ENGLISH, BECAUSE IT USED TO BE

BRITISH, YOU KNOW?

BUT THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLI--

THE CAB DRIVERS DO NOT EVEN

SPEAK ENGLISH, WHICH--

THAT REALLY SURPRISED ME.

BECAUSE, I MEAN, THE CAB DRIVERS

HERE DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH.

SO I HAD ASSUMED THERE WAS

SOME KIND OF EXCHANGE PROGRAM

GOING ON.

AND, AH...

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, I THOUGHT I'D GET

OVER THERE, AND I THOUGHT

THE GUY WOULD BE LIKE,

"WHERE TO, BUDDY?"

I SPEAK THAT CRAZY LINGO.

I BRING NEWS OF HOME.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

BUT, IT TU--

THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

BUT THEY WERE VERY NICE.

THEY TOOK US AROUND.

WE WAN--

I WANTED TO TRY THE CHINESE FOOD

IN CHINA, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE I LIKE CHINESE FOOD,

AND I THOUGHT THE CHINESE FOOD

IN CHINA IS GONNA BE BETTER THAN

THE CHINESE FOOD HERE,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THEY MAKE

THE CHINESE PEOPLE.

AND, AH, AND THEY'RE MADE OUT

OF CHINESE FOOD, WHEN YOU THINK

ABOUT IT.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S TRUE.

HOW CAN YOU BE MAD AT THAT?

ANYWAY, SO IT TURNS OUT THAT

ACTUALLY, THE--

FACTUALLY, THE CHINESE FOOD

IN CHINA IS NOT BETTER THAN

THE CHINESE FOOD HERE,

MOSTLY BECAUSE OF DIFFERENCES

OF DEFINITIONS OF WORDS THAT

WE HAVE, LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, BEEF.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH--

AND THAT--

MAYBE NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

I'M TALKING ABOUT IS WHEN WE SAY

BEEF, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT

THE MEAT PART OF THE COW,

NOT THE EYE.

AND THAT'S THE THING.

THEY EAT THE WHOLE COW

OVER THERE.

SO, WHEN YOU ORDER BEEF NOODLE,

YOU'RE LUCKY IF THE GUY DOESN'T

BRING YOU EYE NOODLE.

AND HE HAS NO IDEA WHEN YOU

COMPLAIN TO--

EXCUSE ME, "WAITER, THERE'S

AN EYE IN HERE."

HE'S LIKE, "OH, YEAH.

NUMBER ONE EYE, FOR YOU."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM,

"I DON'T WANT THE EYE."

WE FINALLY GOT TO THE POINT

WHERE WE HAD TO QUIT HAVING

THE FULL CHINESE DINNER.

WE SWITCHED TO JUST HAVE

THE APPETIZERS, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE THAT WAY, IF YOU MAKE

A MISTAKE, YOU JUST HAVE A SMALL

WRONG THING, JUST THE--

EVEN THE APPETIZERS, THOUGH,

THEY WILL COMBINE TWO DIFFERENT

FOODS OVER THERE, THAT WE WOULD

NEVER IN THE UNITED STATES--

THERE'S NO ONE IN THE

UNITED STATES WORKING

ON A CHICKEN DOUGHNUT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEY HAVE NOT PERFECTED

IT OVER THERE EITHER.

IT'S--

THE PROBLEM--

I MEAN, WHEN YOU SEE A DOUGHNUT,

YOU THINK THERE'S JELLY

OR CHOCOLATE OR CREAM IN THERE

NOT GRAVY.

AND, YEAH, AS SOON AS THAT THING

GETS IN YOU, IT WANTS OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IT DOESN'T CARE WHICH WAY

EITHER.

YOU'RE LIKE, WELL, I DON'T THINK

THAT WAS DEAD BECAUSE IT STILL

HAS AN IDEA.

AND THEN, EVENTUALLY, YOU GOTTA

GO TO THE CHINESE BATHROOM,

WHICH IS A WHOLE NOTHER--

YEAH, THEY HAVE--

SOME OF THE BATHROOMS ARE JUST

LIKE HERE WHERE THEY HAVE A

SINK, TOILET, URINAL.

BUT NOT--

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE YOU GO IN

ONE WHERE ALL IT IS--

IT'S JUST A HOLE IN THE FLOOR,

LIKE A PORCELAIN HOLE.

SO, SOMEWHERE THERE'S A FACTORY

THAT MAKES HOLE.

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T EVEN HAVE THAT

IN OUR TOILET CATALOG.

BUT, AH--

IT'S JUST A HOLE, YOU KNOW?

SO, IF YOU'RE A GUY, AND YOU

HAVE TO PRETTY, IT'S NO BIG

DEAL.

BUT YOU--

A COUPLE OF CHICKEN DOUGHNUTS...

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A TRICK SHOT.

AND I DIDN'T BRING AN ADAPTER

FOR THAT.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YEAH, SO I'M TRYING TO DECI--

THERE'S NO INSTRUCTIONS ABOUT

HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DEAL

WITH IT--

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WELL,

SHOULD I TAKE MY PANTS OFF

COMPLETELY AND HANG THEM UP?

YOU KNOW?

WHAT ABOUT MY SHOES?

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I DON'T FEEL RIGHT JUST

SQUATTING NAKED OVER A HOLE.

(LAUGHTER)

I START TO THINK WELL,

MAYBE THERE'S A YOGA MANEUVER

I'M SUPPOSED TO GET IN OR WHAT.

YEAH.

OR, MAYBE THEY'RE ALL WEARING

SPECIAL TROUSERS THAT FLAP OPEN

SO THEY CAN--

YEAH, SO THEY CAN DOWNLOAD.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I COULD--

AS NEAR AS I COULD TELL,

THE CHINESE PEOPLE, THEY DON'T

HAVE TIME FOR A FULL SIT DOWN

EXPERIENCE.

THEY JUST COME IN, AND...

AND THEY'RE GONE.

DEAL WITH IT LATER.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THEY'RE BUSY,

THAT'S THE THING.

THERE'S SO MANY PEOP--

EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT HOW MANY

PEOPLE THERE ARE IN CHINA,

HONG KONG.

SEVEN MILLION PEOPLE ON THIS

LITTLE ISLAND.

YOU KNOW, EVERYWHERE YOU GO

IT'S LIKE THE ROCK CONCERT JUST

LET OUT AND YOU'RE TRYING TO GET

TO YOUR CAR.

IT WAS LIKE, EXCUSE ME, YEAH,

SORRY, HI, I'D LIKE TO GO THAT

WAY.

YOU KNOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, IT'S UBELIEV---

YOU WANT TO START SCREAMING AT

PEOPLE IN THE STREET, YOU KNOW,

STOP (BLEEP).

YOU HAVE TO STOP (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

IT'S TOO MANY PEOPLE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE STANDING IN

THE WATER PRETTY SOON, YOU KNOW?

AND THAT'S THE THING.

I DON'T THINK THEY CAN STOP,

BECAUSE IT'S SO CROWDED.

AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME AND TAKE

YOUR PANTS OFF, YOU'RE INSIDE

OF ANOTHER PERSON, YOU KNOW?

"OH, SORRY."

Jake Johannsen: THE WORLD'S

GETTING TO BE A CRAZY PLACE,

YOU KNOW?

LUCKILY, MY PERSONAL LIFE

IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.

THIS HAS BEEN A GOOD YEAR

FOR ME.

ACTUALLY, I GOT JUST GOT

MARRIED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S NICE.

IT'S NICE TO HEAR PEOPLE CLAP,

BECAUSE WHEN I WOULD TELL PEOPLE

I WAS ENGAGED THEY WOULD CLAP.

AND THEN, THAT ALWAYS FELT LIKE

THAT THING, YOU KNOW,

WHERE YOU'RE ON THE DOCK ABOUT

TO DIVE IN, AND YOUR FRIENDS

ARE ALREADY IN THE FREEZING COLD

WATER, LIKE "COME ON IN,

IT'S GREAT."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THIS ACTUALLY REALLY IS

GREAT, BECAUSE I FINALLY FOUND

THE RIGHT WOMAN, YOU KNOW, YEAH.

I HAD, WELL--

(APPLAUSE)

I HAD A BAD STRING.

I KEPT FALLING IN LOVE WITH

THE WRONG WOMEN, YOU KNOW.

(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

THAT, YOU KNOW, THAT WE'VE ALL

AT LEAST HAD ONE OF THOSE

HEART BREAK SITUATIONS,

YOU KNOW, WHERE--

I MEAN, IT MAKES SENSE THAT

WE WOULD HAVE ONE.

IF LOVE WAS EASY, THERE WOULD BE

ALMOST NO MUSIC.

(LAUGHTER)

VERY LITTLE COUNTRY MUSIC.

AND AH...

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

BUT IT WAS--

I KEPT PICKING THE WRONG WOMEN.

IT WAS TOTALLY MY FAULT.

I WAS THE BAD--

YOU KNOW, WE ALL WANT TO LEARN

FROM OUR MISTAKES, WE ALL WANT

TO BE THAT SMART LABORATORY

ANIMAL THAT GOES FOR THE

CORN WIRED TO THE ELECTRICITY.

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, CORN."

(ZAPPING SOUND)

CAREFUL.

YOU KNOW, I WISH.

I'M NOT THAT--

I'M-- "HEY, CORN."

(ZAPPING SOUND)

"HEY, CORN."

(ZAPPING SOUND)

(LAUGHTER)

"FREE CORN."

(ZAPPING SOUND)

BUT--

I FINALLY FOUND MY WIFE,

AND SHE'S GREAT.

TURNS OUT SHE'S FROM

NEW ZEALAND, WHICH IS WHY I HAD

TROUBLE FINDING HER...

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE SHE STARTED OFF ON THE

OTHER SIDE OF THE DAMN EARTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IF SHE'DA BEEN ANY FURTHER AWAY,

SHE'D HAVE BEEN CLOSER.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT--

YEAH.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT THE WEDDING WAS GREAT.

THE PLANNING--

THE WEDDING WAS BEAUTIFUL.

THE PLANNING OF THE WEDDING

WAS INTENSE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER--

I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT WOMEN,

BUT I DO KNOW THAT THEY ALL WANT

TO GET MARRIED IN FAIRYLAND

BY KING NEPTUNE.

AND--

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

AND AS A GUY, YOU'RE THE ASS

WHO'S TRYING TO BRING THAT IN

UNDER BUDGET.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL MY IDEAS WERE LIKE,

INSTEAD OF NEPTUNE,

CAN MY FRIEND JUST WEAR

A SEAFOOD DIAPER, AND CARRY

A BIG FORK, HOW ABOUT THAT?

BUT IT ALL WORKED OUT.

AND IT'S GREAT TO BE MARRIED.

I WENT THROUGH A BAD DEPRESSION

THERE BEFORE THAT.

BEFORE I WAS DEPRESSED.

YOU KNOW, AND PEOPLE TRY

TO CHEER YOU UP, TOO,

WHEN YOU'RE DEPRESSED.

LIKE, THIS ONE FRIEND OF MINE

SAYS TO ME, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

JAKE?

DOGS ARE NEVER DEPRESSED."

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF

THAT'S TRUE, OR WHY HE'S EVEN

MY FRIEND, REALLY.

BUT--

I SPENT THE REST OF THE DAY

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT, WHAT KIND

OF ADVICE WOULD A DOG GIVE YOU,

YOU KNOW?

HAVE YOU TRIED LYING IN THE SUN?

(LAUGHTER)

UNTIL YOU'RE REALLY HOT.

AND THEN, GO LIE IN THE SHADE.

FEELS PRETTY GOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT, I DON'T KNOW.

THANK GOD THE DEPRESSED TIME

WAS OVER, AND THE WOMEN--

YOU KNOW, THE ONE THING I DID

LEARN ABOUT WOMEN IS THAT WE'RE

NEVER GONNA UNDERSTAND THEM.

I KNOW THAT.

I USED TO THINK WE'D FIGURE

THEM OUT.

WE'D CRACK THEIR CODE,

OR I'D GET CLOSE TO ONE OF THEM,

AND SHE WOULD TALK.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

WE'RE TOO DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?

MEN AND WOMEN, YOU LOOK IN THEIR

UNDERWEAR DRAWER, AND IT'S

OBVIOUS THAT WE ARE NEVER GONNA

UNDERSTAND WOM--

USUALLY HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM

TO GO TO WORK.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT LOOK AROUND IN THERE.

IT'S ALL DIFFERENT STYLES,

AND COLORS, AND TEXTURES,

AND STRAPS, AND SNAPS,

AND SEWN-ON DOO-DADS, AND--

YOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT

THE HELL YOU'RE DOIN', YOU KNOW?

THEN YOU LOOK IN MY UNDERWEAR

DRAWER, JUST LIKE THAT, AS TO

PROTECT MY PANTS FROM MY ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THERE IS NO CERTAIN PAIR

THAT GOES WITH A CERTAIN OUTFIT.

SURE SOME OF THEM ARE LUCKY.

BUT YOU KNOW YOU DON'T EVEN

REALLY HAVE TO LOOK IN A WOMAN'S

UNDERWEAR DRAWER TO TELL THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US.

YOU CAN GO TO ANY SHOPPING MALL

IN THE COUNTRY TO TELL THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND

WOMEN.

THEY GOT A WHOLE STORE FULL

OF UNDERPANTS FOR WOMEN.

VICTORIA'S SECRET, THEY HAVE

THAT.

WE DON'T HAVE THAT.

THERE IS NO VICTOR'S SECRET,

RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

"YO, VICTOR, YOU BLEW THE ASS

OUT OF THESE.

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

GONNA UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER

ANYWAY.

WE GOTTA QUIT TRYING

TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

I THINK THAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM.

WE GOTTA QUIT TRYING

TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY DOGS DON'T GET

DEPRESSED.

THEY'RE NOT TRYING TO FIGURE

EVERYTHING OUT ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

DOGS HAVE THE RIGHT SIZED BRAIN

FOR THE JOB THAT THEY'RE ASKING

IT TO DO, YOU KNOW?

IF THEY WERE ANY SMARTER,

THEY MIGHT BE SAD.

OUR BRAINS ARE TOO BIG,

YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GO BY A

COMPUTER, AND THE GUY ASKS YOU,

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA USE IT FOR?"

AND YOU NEVER JUST SAY, "PORN."

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, WE WOULD BE HAPPY.

YOU KNOW THAT THAT'S WHAT

THE DOG SAID.

YOU KNOW, "WHAT DO YOU USE

THE BRAIN FOR, BOY?"

"DAA, CHASE THE CAT,

TAKE A NAP."

HERE YOU GO.

"THANK YOU, BYE-BYE.

WILL I BE ABLE TO FIND

THE BALL?"

"YEAH, WELL, MOST OF THE TIME."

AND THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T GET

UPSET, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE NOT TRYING TO GET THEIR

PENISES ENLARGED.

DOGS.

THEY'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT.

THEY ROLL WITH IT.

YOU EVER SEEN A THREE-LEGGED

DOG?

IT DOESN'T EVEN PHASE THE DOG.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IF I LOST MY LEG, THAT WOULD BE

IT.

EVERY TIME YOU BOUGHT ME

A DRINK, YOU'D HAVE TO HEAR THAT

(BLEEP) LEG STORY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THREE-LEGGED DOGS, IT'S LIKE,

"WELL, GUESS I GOT THREE NOW."

YOU KNOW, YEAH.

IT DOESN'T EVEN PHASE THEM.

AND THAT'S THE THING.

THEY DON'T GET DEPRESSED.

THEY GET CONFUSED.

THAT'S THE HAZARD OF HAVING

THE SMALLER BRAIN.

YOU GET A LITTLE CONFUSED.

MY NEIGHBOR HAD HER DOG--

SHE BROUGHT HER DO BACK HOME THE

OTHER DAY WITH THAT PLASTIC CONE

ON HIS HEAD FROM THE VET.

YOU EVER SEE THE DOG?

YOU'VE SEEN THEM OUT THERE WHERE

THEY WALK AND THEY ALWAYS LOOK

AT YOU LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED?"

YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE LIKE, WELL, YOU WERE

THE ONE WHO WOULDN'T LEAVE HIS

ASS ALONE.

(LAUGHTER)

I TRIED TO WARN YOU.

TRIED PUTTING THAT BAD TASTING

SALVE ON THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

THE VET ALWAYS GIVES YOU THAT

SALVE, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALK--

I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT'S FOR

THE DOG.

I THINK THAT IS A PRACTICAL JOKE

THAT THE VET IS HAVING WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW, HERE, RUB THIS ON HIS

ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

"TWICE A DAY."

OH--

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW IT'S GOTTA BE A RACKET,

ONCE THE VET TELLS YOU HOW IT'S

SUPPOSED TO WORK, THAT SALVE.

YOU KNOW, WHAT I'M--

THE VET, HE'LL TELL YOU YOU'RE

SUPPOSED TO PUT IT ON THE DOG'S

STITCHES OR HIS BUTT.

THE VET, YEAH, THE VET SAYS

THE DOG WILL NOT LICK THE SALVE

BECAUSE THE SALVE TASTES BAD

TO THE DOG.

HELLO.

HE'S ALREADY LICKING HIS ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WELL, WE GOTTA QUIT TRYING

TO FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT.

THAT'S THE ANSWER.

WE GOTTA QUIT TRYING

TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN.

WE'RE NEVER GONNA UNDERSTAND

WOMEN BECAUSE THEY'RE

MYSTERIOUS, RIGHT?

AND THEY'RE NEVER GONNA

UNDERSTAND US, BECAUSE THEY

CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I DON'T MEAN THAT TO BE

AN INSULT TO WOMEN.

I THINK THAT WOMEN HAVE

A HARD TIME ACCEPTING THAT

WE COULD POSSIBLY BE THAT

FRIGGIN' SIMPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY WANT TO GIVE US CREDIT

FOR BEING MORE COMPLICATED.

THEY DON'T KNOW THAT'S IT;

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WITH US.

WE FREAK THEM OUT.

YOU KNOW I HAD A WOMAN FRIEND

COME OVER THE OTHER DAY.

SHE WAS ALL UPSET, LIKE "JAKE,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HOW COULD A MAN WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITH A PLASTIC DOLL?"

YEAH, SHE'D SEEN ONE OF THOSE

INFLATABLE SEX DOLLS AS A

BACHELORETTE PARTY.

YOU KNOW?

AND SHE'S LIKE "HOW CAN A MAN

WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A PLASTIC

DOLL?

HOW COULD A MAN WANT TO PUT

HIS PENIS IN A PLASTIC DOLL?"

AND I SAID, "WELL, IT'S NOT PLAN

A."

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I CAN'T SAY FOR SURE,

BUT I THINK WE CAN ASSUME THAT A

SERIES OF THINGS HAS GONE WRONG

TO LEAD UP TO THAT PLASTIC DOLL.

ANYWAY, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A

GREAT CROWD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING

OUT.

SEE YOU AT THE NIGHTCLUB.

Loading...