ISIS cuts perks for its members amid a budget crisis, and Larry ponders a battle between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton with Bakari Sellers, Rory Albanese and Holly Walker.
AUDIENCE (chanting):Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry!
Yeah! Thank you very much.
-(chanting continues)-Welcome to The Nightly Show.
Oh, so kind.
Please, please, please.
Thank you.I appreciate it.
-(cheering)-I am Larry Wilmore. Man!
Man, we gota great crowd tonight.
-(cheering stops)-What a great crowd.
Um, so anyhow, you guys,you know what?
I try to make The Nightly Show a nice place to work, you know.
Tuesdays, we take it easy, man.
Listen to a littleGold Vibrations, you know.
Get a little cold brewin the kitchen.
Oh, so guess what I callthat day-- Cold Brews-Day.
(chuckling):Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm a pretty fun boss, you guys.
But despite my adorable puns,
I'll never be as belovedas Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya,
who just did this.
NEWSMAN: Ulukaya is giving his employees
a ten percent stake in the company
when it goes public or is sold.
It's a windfall that could be worth
hundreds of thousands of dollars, each.
Note to self: yogurtdoesn't work for spit takes.
Oh, my God.
All right, so, um... hmm...
So these Chobani employeesare gonna be so rich,
they'll be ableto afford to eat Chobani.
That is amazing.
That's pretty good.
(whooping, whistling, applause)
Mmm, mmm. Mm.
And I bring up Chobanias a counterpoint
to what's turning out to bea not so great place to work--
I know. This is true, you guys,this is true.
ISIS is havingsome human resources issues.
It's true. Back in Februaryit was reported
that becauseof some cash-flow problems,
the group had to stop providingfree energy drinks and Snickers.
Energy drinks and Snickers?
Are you a terrorist organizationor a tech startup?
-What are you?-(applause, whooping)
What are you?
I mean, do the guys relaxafter a bombing
with a game of foosball in theteam member lounge or something?
This doesn't make sense to me.
And then CNN reported yesterdaythat ISIS fighters
are suffering from low moraleand getting doctors' notes
to avoid servingon the front lines.
-(laughter)-But this gets crazier,
because ISIS commandersare now threatening doctors,
saying: "any doctor whose reportwe discover to be untrue
will be held to account."
See? Now, that'swhat separates us from ISIS.
In the civilized world,
we worship our doctors whoare completely full of (bleep).
That's America! America!
All this yogurt's still here.
Okay, turning from ISISto the embodiment of true evil,
the former speaker of the houseand sexual predator
is finally facing the musicfor his crimes.
NEWSMAN: Hastert finally admitted he had molested boys
on the Yorkville High School wrestling team
he coached decades ago.
"What I did was wrong," he said, "and I regret it."
Judge Thomas Durkin suggested that was not enough.
That's true, that's true.
The only other onesthat come close
are "president" and "Trump"in the same sentence.
-(laughter, shouting, applause)-That's the only...
That's the only thing...
Oh. Thank you very much.Thank you.
So, how long is this Ol' DirtyHastert going away for?
What is it, years?Decades? Life?
Some breaking news todayon the former house speaker,
Dennis Hastert.This federal judge in Chicago
has just sentenced himto 15 months in prison,
plus two more yearsof supervised release.
(whooping, shouting, applause)
I don't understand it.
Why do I keep eating yogurtat inopportune moments?!
God, 15 months?
Look, if you ruin the livesof boys in high school,
your prison sentence shouldn'tbe shorter than high school.
All right?I mean, come on.
Black people are gettinglocked up for ten years
for an ounce of weed, and thismonster only gets 15 months
-for molesting kids?-AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Right.
Doesn't seem right.
Now, let me tell you,just a quick, uh,
just a quick reminderof exactly who Denny Hastert is.
He wasn't speaker of the housefor a couple of months.
He was the longest-servingRepublican speaker of the house
As speaker,he was two heartbeats away
from the presidency--actually, one heartbeat,
'cause Dick Cheneydoesn't have a heart.
-(laughter)-I forgot. Technical...
My bad. My bad. Okay.
And during that period of timewhen Mark Foley,
a congressman, was accusedof inappropriately texting
underage congressional pages,Hastert came out and said this.
Our children needto be protected,
and we are going to doeverything we can
to protect them.
Well, then, the next thing outof your mouth should have been,
"So I'm goingto put myself in jail."
-(whooping, cheering, applause)-Right? Now...
that was in 2006,and in 2000 Hastert supported
the Child Abuse Preventionand Enforcement Act,
which called for tougherpenalties for sex offenders.
If only it had calledfor the police
to arrest Dennis Hastert whilehe was (bleep) supporting it.
And what really gets me, though,is how he...
how he sympathy-rollsinto court.
NEWSWOMAN: Former speaker of the house, Dennis Hastert,
arrived at Chicago's federal courthouse today
in a wheelchair.
You're playing the "old" card?
See, that's exactlywhat Cosby did.
Remember? When he pretendedhe was blind all of a sudden?
Hastert's 74.That's not old.
You know who else is 74?
-All right?-(cheering, applause)
-(audience chanting "Larry!")-And...
he seemed to bedoing pretty well.
And this geezer's 72,
and he's still jumping offspeakers at concerts.
So it's not that old.
But obviously,the "old man" card
isn't gonna workfor such a heinous crime.
Apparently the judge saidbecause of his-his older age,
you know, he didn't give himmore time, 'cause it would
essentially amountto a death sentence.
You've got to be(bleep) kidding me.
What do you meanhe can't die in jail?
His cellmate should be a noose.
All right.I know, I know.
But at the very least, Hastert'sreputation is ruined, right?
I mean, he's got to be a pariah
amongst the politicianswho know him.
REPORTER: On Friday, 41 letters were released
testifying to the character of Hastert.
And the letters, written by some very powerful people,
asked for leniency.
Hastert "has never disappointed me
in any way", wrote former House majority leader Tom Delay.
"He is a man of strong faith that guides him.
"He is a man of great integrity.
"He doesn't deserve what he is going through.
We all have our flaws, but Dennis Hastert has very few."
You can't quantifya man's flaws equally
when one of themis child molestation.
This-this is a monster,
and shame on all 41 of youfor defending him.
I mean, I get it:there's a bro code in congress,
but this isn't somebodywho may have had a problem
with substance abuse.We're talking about child abuse.
And, to be clear, this case
isn't about politicsor ideology.
It isn't aboutDemocrats and Republicans.
It isn't about right and left.
It's about right and wrongand how far...
And... it's aboutright and wrong
and how far power will go
to protect its ownself-interests.
We'll be right back.
(whoops)Welcome back. For a while now,
uh, I've wanted to address someglobal issues of inequality
-and human rights...-Hey, Larry, sorry to interrupt.
-Hey! -Oh. Uh, hey, it's The Nightly Show contributors.
-Hey.-(cheering, applause) -Yeah!
Hey, what's, uh,what's going on, guys?
I'm in the middle ofa really important observation.
Eh, no one cares.Uh, we are here
because you are hosting
the White House correspondents'dinner this Saturday night.
-(cheering, applause)-Yeah. That's true.
-Yeah! Yes!-Thank you. Very nice. -Yeah!
I mean, we're just wondering,are you a little nervous? Or...
Um, actually,it makes me very nervous.
Um, you know, I'd rather
-not talk about it right now,you guys. -Oh, uh, Larry,
that's why we got youthis cake, buddy.
Um, guys, guys...
Uh, that's a...that's a penis cake, guys.
Why is it that?
Uh, 'cause they exist.I mean, uh, it's a celebration.
-Why wouldn't you wanta penis cake? -Guys, guys, look,
look, I-I really don't wantto talk about the dinner.
And seeing my nameon the shaft of a dick cake
is not helping, you know?
It makes me think about it.It's...
-It-it always helps me.-Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah.
-It does. She loves a dick cake.-Yeah.
I'm Mike Yard.Don't be nervous, Larry.
Just focus on the factthat you'll be telling jokes
-in front of the presidentof the United States. -Wow.
Stop, Mike.You're making it worse.
Larry, Larry, Larry-- we alsoput together a little video
of some people who wantto wish you good luck.
Yeah, no, thanks, guys.I-I don't want this
to feel like a big deal,okay? I mean, I...
But it is a big deal, Larry.You're officially a man.
-We keep telling you...-Um...
We keep telling you,this isn't a bar mitzvah.
No, it's... that's-that's wrong.
-Then why is there a penis cake?-Okay...
Sorry, uh, Ricky's really high.
-Oh. -Uh, would youlike to see the video?
Uh, no. Look, if it'llmake you guys go away,
then, uh, all right,sure, roll the damn tape.
("Hail to the Chief " plays)
You know, I hostedthe correspondents' dinner.
So, Larry, you know, thebiggest thing about that is, uh,
make sure you getsome food to go, man.
You know, they-they tryto eat all the stuff up
before, 'cause you'repreparing for the show.
Make sure you getyour food to go, man.
Hey, Larry, so, when youmeet President Obama
and you get a chance to talkto him, you should definitely
ask him somereally tough questions.
'Cause he loves,loves when people ask him
really tough questions.The tougher the better.
Want me to give you a question
that you wouldthen ask the president?
Why would I need to do that?
I got Barack on speed dial.
Take a page from Donald Trump.
Tell terrific jokes.The most funny jokes.
Everyone agrees they'll bethe most terrific jokes.
And believe me,Mexico will pay for them.
Larry, Larry, just make sure
the presidentdoesn't retire early.
You know, he's got to runall the way to the tape.
We need him in therefor nine more months.
It's up to you, man,to convince him
that he's got work to do.
Hey, Larry, one thing you shouldtell President Obama
is to make sure before he leavesthe White House,
Take anything, but takesomething, a little memento.
If, uh, the Democratslose the election,
If you know what I mean.
Yo, Larry, you should tellBarack Obama on his last day
going out, he should just say,"(bleep) all y'all.
Kiss my black ass. I'm gone."
Larry, you justneed to go up to the president
and say, "Listen,here's how this is gonna go.
"You have five minutes.
"When you see the lightin the back of the room flash,
"you get off that stage.
"I don't care if you'rein the middle of a story
"about Joe Biden popping a bonerin the Rose Garden,
you are off, and Larryis on." You got it?
Congratulations, Larry.You're gonna be great.
I mean, what could go wrong?It's a fantastic room
full of warm, supportivepeople ready to laugh.
(whispers):Get out of there!
Thank you so much to everyonewho took the time
to contribute to that video.That was awesome, you guys.
Check out the White Housecorrespondents' dinner
this Saturday nightat 9:30 on C-SPAN.
-We'll be right back.-That's good cake.
Thanks, everybody, thanks!
-♪ -(cheering, applause)
Welcome back!I'm here with my panel.
First up, Nightly Show contributor Rory Albanese.
(cheering and applause)
And Nightly Show contributorHolly Walker.
(cheering and applause)
And he's a former memberof the South Carolina
House of Representatives,CNN political commentator,
-B... uh, Bakari Sellers. -Yeah!-(cheering and applause)
And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now
on Twitter, @NightlyShow,using the hashtag, #Tonightly.
Okay, so yesterday, uh,Trump made a speech
-where he laid outhis foreign policy. -Mm.
I'd like to talk todayabout how to develop
a new foreign policy directionfor our country,
one that replaces randomnesswith purpose,
ideology with strategy,
and chaos with peace.
So-so, uh,there were some, uh...
Some people, someof your people, I would say,
felt his tone, uh, and demeanorseemed more presidential.
I mean, to me, it seemedlike he was in a fifth grade
remedial reading classof prompters or something.
I want to ask, why is the barset so low for Donald Trump?
I think that's unfortunate,because I-I believe
when people are presidential,then they have
a lot less sexism,a lot less bigotry,
-a lot less racism.-Mm-hmm.
Uh, but Trump embodiesall of those things.
So I-I don't thinkthat his speech was presidential
yesterday. In fact,I think it was the antithesis
-of everything he talked about.It was chaotic, -Yeah,
uh, it was...it didn't make any sense,
-and it lacked any details.-Yeah.
-So it was very Trumpian.-It was Trump.
-It was... It's like we give himcredit, and, uh... -Yeah.
We-we give him creditfor being able to read,
-and that-that's unfortunate.-That's what I'm saying!
That's what I'm saying. Why ishe getting credit for that?
He-he barely read that.
Well, okay,the bar is set so low,
because when you're a snake,you don't need a high bar.
-I said it.-(cheering and applause)
-I said it. -I-I... And I knowthis... I-I know this won't
be popular to say,but the bar... I mean, the bar
was set low for Obama.Like, he... Obama-Obama got
a Nobel Peace Prize, like,a month in. He didn't...
he didn't even...Of course you're gonna groan.
He was a black guy that wonPresident of the United States.
-That's not deserving ofa Nobel Peace Prize. -That's...
-Rory, but the difference wasObama... -He should've given
that back and said, "In eightyears, if I'm worthy of this,
-I'll take the prize." -Obamawas criticized for speaking
beautifully, passionately,and for inspiring millions.
Even people in Germanywho didn't even know what
-the (bleep) he was saying,he inspired... -Yeah.
Yeah, but inspiring Germansisn't always a good thing.
-But he was criticized for that.-Yeah.
-Obama was criticized for that.-Right. The-the bar
was not low for him.He had to overcome
being an African-American manin the United States
-to become president.-But even further that...
-That is not a low bar.-But there were aspects of it.
-That's a high bar. -Buteven further than that, I mean,
Mitch McConnell'sfirst statement was
that Barack Obamawas not gonna be successful.
He was gonna work to make sure
that Barack Obamawas not successful.
The definition of the RepublicanParty in the Obama presidency
is obstructionism--nothing more and nothing less.
So he deserves that.That bar was extremely high.
Yeah, but I don't know that...I don't know that that gives him
a Nobel Peace Prize, you know,before he did anything.
But I'm just saying, like, we'veset... I think that the country
has a low bar. Like, for me,what's frustrating...
-The country has a politicallow bar. -Yeah, they do.
-I would go with you on that.-And, to me, it's like the fact
that this is presidential iskind of lame, 'cause it's like
what we think of as presidentialis just reading platitudes
-off a telepromp... Like, that'snot... -But that wasn't...
But he's not being presidential.
He's-he's behaving like a kid
who's figured out that Christmasis right around the corner,
and he's been a little assholefor most of the year.
That's how he's behaving.
-He's not behaving presidential.-That's true.
-That's so true. Yeah.-That's funny.
Um, this-this whole notionthat somehow reading your speech
renders you less of an...of an intellect
or a worthy leader,I don't understand
where that notion came from.Uh, Martin Luther King
had his speech on the podiumthere, but nobody thought,
"Oh, he's got a speech therehe's reading.
-How come he's not winging it?"-Yeah.
I mean, I-I think...I think what we're seeing
from Donald Trumpis Donald Trump is speaking
like a lot of people speak
-around their dinner tables.-Yes. Right.
And so last night or-oryesterday, when he was able
to go out thereand read off the teleprompter...
And what he was talking about,this American isolationism,
this America first, it hearkensback to pre-World War II,
when we didn't want Americato go and fight the Nazis.
-Donald Trump is a legitimatelyscary, scary politician. -Yeah.
All you saw wasGeorge Wallace 2.0,
-and that should be troublesome.-Damn, you just jumped decades.
-That was awesome. All right,though, but give me -Yeah.
your best odds. Are we reallygoing to see President Trump
there? I mean,let me ask you this, 'cause...
Are we just...? Are we...?
Guys, are we going throughthe stages of grief here?
I mean, we wentthrough anger first, right?
Then we went through denial.
I felt likethere was a little bargaining.
"Well,maybe Cruz isn't that bad."
No, Cruz is (bleep) horrible.
-Right? Right? Okay.-WALKER: Yeah. Yeah.
Are we... Is there, like,an acceptance here?
Yeah, because right now, I'm...no, I'm still in depression.
-You forgot depression.-WILMORE: You're in depression.
-Yes, yes. -I'm depressedthat he has gotten this far.
ALBANESE: But there isa component to this.
-I call it, like,the Godzilla effect. -Mm-hmm.
Like, you don't want Godzillato crush a city,
but you're kind of like, "It'dbe kind of cool if he did."
You know what I'm saying?Like, it's like,
I'm a little curious, like,if Trump becomes president,
like, will D.C. explode?
-SELLERS: I don't want...-I don't know. Like...
I kind of want to know. A littlebit, I kind of want to know.
Uh-uh. No, uh-uh.
I think if you livedin that city, you would never..
-Right, right. -Well, but ifyou're watching it on C-SPAN,
you're like, "Oh, my God!He just stepped on a stadium.
-This is crazy!" -WILMORE:I want to ask you this.
'Cause you've been watching allof this stuff.
Yeah, unfortunately sometimes.
Now Trump's style has been thething that's put him in front.
You know, almost as muchas the things
that he's said,which has been horrible,
-and I don't knowwhy people keep falling. -Yeah.
But it's kind of his style.
Like, people thinkhe's a ball...
Like, he has baller style.
You, now, like, they thinkhe's fearless. Do you...?
Is that gonna workwhen he debates Hillary Clinton?
-That kind of style?-Oh, definitely not.
I mean, you're talkingabout a woman
who was a United States senator,who was secretary of state,
served as first lady of Arkansas
and the United Statesof America,
versus someonewho's used to sitting on stage
-with Gary Busey and Lil Jon.I mean... -(laughter)
This is not reallygoing to be much
of an intellectual discussionor debate.
-(applause and cheering)-No, no. It's not. -No. I know.
-But I don't think...-It's not gonna be intellectual.
-But the people...-It's gonna... Uh-uh.
It's gonna be entertainingas hell.
-WILMORE: Right.-And I'm thrilled about that.
-SELLERS:You should moderate one. -Yup.
-WILMORE: Well, I don't know.-WALKER: That'd be great.
-That'd be great. -(applause &cheering) -I don't want to.
They would never let me do it.Are you kidding me?
That'd be great. It's gonna beentertaining as hell,
which I am happy about, because WrestleMania 33 is far away,
-and I need some entertainment.-ALBANESE: Mm. -WILMORE: Mm-hmm.
And that's a cage match.It's gonna be a cage match.
'Cause he's gonna try that crapwith Hillary
that he's triedwith other people,
and she is goingto swing back at him.
He has not seena woman fight back at him
-the way that she will.-WILMORE: Right, with substance.
-WALKER: She is... -Stand upto him and say, "Look,
"I am the biggest personin the room with substance,
and I'm not here simply becauseI'm a woman." -WILMORE: Right.
"I'm here because I'm morequalified than are you..."
-Yup. -..."to be presidentof the united states."
ALBANESE:Well, I would say this.
(applause & cheering) -Whenyou've been to... -And when...
-Yeah, but... -It'll be fun,'cause when Hillary gets into
her Joe Scarborough shouting,you know, phase,
you know,with the slinging and...
But whenyou're on your third wife,
you've seen a woman fight back.You know what I mean?
Like, let's notget carried away.
Like, Trump's obviously, like,a tough dude
to get along with,you know, so I feel like
he's probably experiencedsome fighting in his day.
-Mm. -Mm-hmm. -You know,and I think that like, uh...
I think Hillary actually has...
-You know, she's got theskills... -WALKER: Yeah, but...
...and the experienceto be president.
-I just that...-SELLERS: And bigger hands.
-(applause and cheering)-It's true.
-Yeah. -I don't knowif that matters, though.
I don't know if that matters.
As long as they're big enoughto touch the button.
That's allwe got to worry about.
Oh, he's been fightingwith women,
but he's gotten divorcedthree times,
-so, clearly, he hasn't won,so... -Yeah, well...
I think it's gonna be oneof the most unbelievable
and entertaining fights,political fights ever.
-SELLERS: I agree. Yeah.-And, uh, it's good for us.
Don't knowif it's good for the country.
-ALBANESE: No. -We'll be rightback. -(cheers and applause)
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