I, uh, found out this morningI'm definitely not
tough enough for New York.
It's true. I, uh,I got out of a cab, you know,
and I'm smiling, you know.I had my, like, map.
And I was like,"Oh, yeah, New York
is delightful, huh? Yeah!"
Within, like, three seconds,some guy's like,
"Out of the way (bleep)!"
I'm like, "All right, over here.Is this good?"
What's going on?A little too happy.
I could get stabbed.I'd be like, "Thank you.
"This is the best stabbingI've ever had. Thank you.
Do we tip? I don't knowhow this works. No."
New York playsby their own rules, you guys.
Went to a bar. I was like,
"Oh, I'll have a,I'll have one Heineken.
The guy's like,"All right, $58."
I was like, "What?
What am I in Narnia?When did drinks cost... $58?"
Uh, no, but this is a true thingthat happened in New York.
I remember reading about it.
A plane took offand a bunch of geese
got caught in the engine,and so, then they thought
they were going to crash,but they were
able to land on waterand everyone lived.
So everyone was like,"What a great day!
What a great day!"It's like...
It's like, "Yeah, it's a greatday if you're not a goose."
All right, I love animals.Nobody's talking about that.
Right? There's somegoose family right now
that's like, "Jacob should behome by now."
You know, like...
I'm sick of people sayingthey like animals
and then they see, like,a fruit fly or something,
they'll swoop at it."Ah, it's a fruit fly."
That's an amazing creature,little fruit fly.
It's this big.
Flies all over the room.
It's that big.
Right? If you thinkabout a fruit fly.
Like if a fruit fly fliesfrom your table to me,
that's like L.A. to Floridafor him, you know?
No plane, just his little wings.
I'm not going to swoop at him.I'll be like, "Rest here."
"You must be so tired.
Do you want some fruit?"
Some people see my comedy.
They always write about itonline and stuff.
They're like,"Aw, he was just stoned."
You know, he's...he's just, he's just high.
This guy's jokingabout fruit flies.
But I am not.This is just how I am.
You know, I'm actuallyreally bad at drugs.
You know, like, I'm the guy
who will ruin the party,you know?
I'll say stuff like, uh,"I could see how people
would killthemselves on this."
Everyone's, like, "Jesus!"Like, "What's going on with...?"
"I feel like my tongueis in 3-D."
They're like, "Your tongue isin 3-D, stupid, all right?"
Like, "Babysit this guy thewhole party-- I'm not gonna..."
Plus it's unfair to assumethat I'm high.
You know, 'cause my jobis to think of funny stuff.
You know, and when you're high,
everything's funny, you know?
So it'd be an occupationalhazard if I just smoked pot
and, like, came up here with,like, a notebook full of jokes.
Like, "So, uh... uh... s...
have you ever seen a snowflake?
"It's like, whoa!
"Oh, I got other ones. Um...
Why is peanut butterso delicious?"
I guess I do drugsif you count, uh, drinking.
I drink a lot since, uh,
Mind of Mencia's been canceled.
Ugh, you know.
My friends, they're always,
they're tough guys, you know,so they're always like,
"Hey, man,you gotta drink J ger.
That's what you gotta do, man.Yeah, it what we drink."
"Don't be such a pussy.We drink J ger, man.
It tastes like licorice."
I'm like, "Yeah, it tasteslike licorice,
"but the taste isn't theproblem, you know what I mean?
"I've never hada bag of licorice
"and tried to fight a cop.
You know, that's really..."
I, uh, I didn't masturbatefor an entire week.
And when I finally did,
a whole baby came out.
So if anybodywants to buy a baby...
...he's in my sock.
I know, oh...
Like, half-- oh...
We were with baby shooting outof your (bleep) is just fine,
but you (bleep) offinto a sock, unh-uh!
We are trying to have a society.
A friend of mine recently diedclimbing Mount Everest.
Pretty extreme thing to do.
His name was Decklin,knew him for a while in college.
Went to the, uh, funeral.
Then I went to the after party,junior prom thing
where everyone says nice thingsabout the dead guy.
And because he dieddoing something extreme,
and you'll hear this a lotwhen people die, like,
skydiving or, uh, big wavesurfing or anything like that.
There's always, uh,the living
at the funeralalways say stuff like,
"Well, at least he died doingwhat he loved, right?
And it's to makethemselves feel better.
I understandwhy people say it,
but peoplekept saying it at this thing.
They were like, "Well, Decklindied doing what he loved.
That's great, isn't it?He died doing what he loved."
And after a while,I'm thinking,
"I've known Decklin 15 years.
He never once called me up like,"Dude, I love
"falling off mountainsonto pointy rocks
"and bleeding to death,it's amazing.
What are you doingthis weekend?"
Like, "Oh, I'm going to catch
a Three's Company marathonand (bleep) off."
Please, have fun, have fun.
But you can't sayanything like that.
You gotta, you gotta be cool.
But everyone kept saying it.
"Well, he died doingwhat he loved.
He died doing what he loved."
And then, I started thinkingabout a year ago,
I lost a friendto a drug overdose.
And everyone at thatfuneral was like,
"Oh, this is tragic."
And now I'm thinking,"Screw you.
"She loved heroin, like,what are you...
"She stole from me to get it.
"Pushed an old man downan elevator shaft for it.
"She died doing what she loved.
This guy's an idiot."
But you can't say that.
You've got to keep to yourself.And then I get this--
I get the only guy, uh,in Decklin's family that I know,
and, uh, everyone hasone of these in the family,
uh, the "drunkle."
Right?Just that jerk-off uncle
that yells stuff at Thanksgivingyou can't take back, right?
"Hey, bitch, pass the potatoes."
Like, "Uh, Uncle Doug,that's grandma.
You want to sit down?What are you doing?"
So I'm keeping to myselfand Decklin's Drunkle Doug
comes up to me,puts me in a headlock.
He's like, "Oh, Jon,wouldn't it be great
"if we could all diedoing what we love?
Wouldn't that be awesome?"
No... that's the single worstidea I've ever heard.
Are you kidding me?
My friends, my family--
they got enough problemsjust knowing me.
I don't need to be found deaddoing what I love.
How insanely awkward for whoeverhas to find me like that, right?
Brother Jeff comes over."Are you in there? I haven't
seen you in a week."Kicks open the door.
"Oh, my God! He's dead!
"But there he is with his penisin a warm pumpkin,
"extension cord around his neck,
"spatula in one had,a bottle of Xanax in the other,
"a goat tied to the TV stand,
"a clown juggling scarveson a unicycle,
"a Doberman pinscher lickingpeanut butter out of the crack
of his ass and a Hannah Montanamovie on a loop."
Like, "Oh, at least he dieddoing what he loved."
Went to my doctor.
He calls me.Turns out I have a rare disease
known as chronic doll hair.
I recently lost some weight.
Lost a couple pounds.
I had to.
Uh, I was getting big.
I was getting, uh, so big,
my friends could hear me breathethrough a text message.
Like, "Hey, what are you doing?"
Go back to eating mayonnaise.You're fine.
But I lost the weight quickly.
And, uh, 'cause I'ma good person, I want to help
other people that might wantto try to lose weight.
I'm putting out a diet book.
And it's goingto come out next week.
You can buy it at any bookstore.
The book is titled Cocaine and Depression:
How to Cry Yourself Thin.
If you get it when itfirst comes out,
it comes with an ex-girlfriendand an eight ball starter kit.
So it's a pretty good deal.
Pretty good deal.
I am kidding, of course.I-I make a lot of cocaine jokes,
because I used to do a lotof cocaine this morning.
...now I'm just sweatyand confused.
I really don't...
34 years old. I, uh...
I think, as a 34-year-old man,
it is about time thatI stopped taking Ecstasy.
There isnothing creepier than, like,
a grown-up with a full beard,
a Mot rhead T-shirtand a jean jacket like...
Is that a lollipop?Can I have some of that?
Dude, is thata jacket made of pants?
You want toget out of here, old man?
Where are you going?
This is a Van Halenback patch, come back.
because I'm gladI'm doing comedy.
Because I wasa social worker before.
Um, not a good one at all;not a good one.
I... I quit caringabout the kids long ago.
'Cause I don't, I don't knowif you got the memo,
but kids are evil--does anybody...?
They are evil little creaturesbecause they don't
have the same filters thatwe as adults have and hold dear.
I'm going to tell you this
just because we're family now.
Um, I'm blind in my left eye.
It doesn't work.It wobbles a bit sometimes.
Don't be alarmed, sir.It's going to be okay, um...
It's all right.I, I ain't even know know
you guys were over there.That is nice. Did you...?
You knew they were there; youwasn't gonna tell me or nothing.
You just gonna let--okay, that's...
Be back to y'all in a minute.
But no one here as adultswas going to say anything.
Nobody's going to say anythingto me about my eye.
You might textthe person next to you
or talk about it in the car,but you're
not going to say anything to me.
Not the case with kids.
I go into their homes like,
"Hi, little kids.I'm here to save you."
"Eww, what's wrongwith your eye?"
"Forget you, you little bastard.That's why your mama on crack
and you ain'tnever gonna be nothin'."
Ooh, right... kids...
And I wasn't madefor a 9:00 to 5:00 job,
'cause we had to dostupid trainings like
sexual harassment training--did anybody have to go to those?
Apparently,it is taboo to tongue kiss
your coworkers in the hallway.
That's a problemfor some reason.
But I personally don't wantto work in an environment where
somebody can't smack meon the ass every once in a while
and let me knowI'm doing a good job.
Like, how...how else do you know?
Ooh, thank you, John.I'll keep it up. Thank you.
I need sexual harassmentin my life.
I need all of that.
Like, I sleep with it at night.
Like, "Ooh, at leastJohn likes me. This is..."
And I would asksome single ladies to say,
"Oh, we're here. We..."
No, we're not happy about it.We're sad.
Like, we need a newsingle lady shout out.
Like, where arethe single ladies at?
And that's gonna be it.
That's the new thing right now.
that I don't havethe temperament
for dumb stuff anymore.
I just don't have it.I can't take it.
Like, I went out with this guy.
Waitress comes,gives him the menu.
He looks at itand looks at her and says,
"Are these my options?"
No, this is light readingtill she comes back.
Your options are gonna drop downfrom the ceiling
in a PowerPoint presentationin ten to 15 minutes.
What does menu meanto you, 'cause...?
Like, that's right up there
with conversateand worser, right?
Okay,15 people at Gotham read.
Okay, for the rest of you, uh...
For the rest of you, I'm gonnado a little class real quick.
Um, the word is not pacific.That's the ocean.
Uh, don't getinto an educated conversation
and say, "Well, irregardless..."You don't need that ear.
It is simply regardless.
It is... simply regardless.
Um, this guy got mad at me,and was, like,
"Well, whatI'm s'posed to do?"
Find the syllablesin "suppose" is a good idea.
Those syllables in "suppose."
"Well, forget you, Vanessa.
I'm gonna be 'sus-ses-ful.'"
Not withoutthose Cs in "success."
Those Cs... in "success."
I'm 'a do...I'm gonna do better, though.
I don't want to be single,
'cause I'm that real singlewhere sometimes
you just feel empty?
Like you either need to eat,drink or bang,
but either way, something bad'sgoing inside of you.
Does anybodyever feel like that?
Like I don't knowif it's gonna be liquor,
fried chicken, or you, sir--maybe you.
But I'm gonna be full.
I'm gonna be fullat the end of the day.
I'm gonna full regardless.
I'm probably not readyfor a relationship.
I'm probably not.
'Cause I still havesome old, residual,
Anybody have...I'm the only...?
Okay, that's all right.
But my issues come outat strange times,
like during sex.
Okay, I'll explain. Uh...
Now, you know, I'm tryingto do what I do,
make it do what it doso we can do what we do.
You understand what I'm saying?
Get it? Okay.
How old are y'all, 12?Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm back. Okay.
And here he go.
"Call me Daddy."
"Where you been, yo?
"Where you been at?
"Where you been?Why you...
"You just gonna show up naked,that's what you gonna do?
"You're just gonna...You didn't...
"You didn'tshow up to my basketball games,
"or when I playedLady MacBeth.
"What about my allowance?
"I believe it's $67.34
"with taxes, fees and titlesthat you owe me.
And you're just gonna show updangling what?!"
if I am at all sluggishduring my set tonight.
I, uh, played a couple hoursof touch football...
the day after Thanksgiving.
I've, uh, not yet recovered.
I went to the doctorthe other day.
He was asking me all thesesocial health questions.
He was, like, "Do you smoke?"
I was, like, "No."
He was, like, "Do you do drugs?"
I was, like, "No."
He was, like, "Do you drink?"
I was, like,"Sometimes, but not a lot.
"But sometimes a lot.
And sometimes a real lot."
He was, like, "All right,uh, get out of my office.
I'll see you in ten years."
'Cause I don't knowabout you guys,
but when you're in the peakphysical condition that I am in,
you need only go to the doctoron the decade.
But as I was walkingout of his office,
I realized he didn't ask meany questions about sex.
Yeah, he didn't ask meany sexy questions.
It's kind of like he was justgoing down his list,
and he was, like, uh...
Yeah, we're gonna sayprobably not on that one.
Uh... spare him thathumiliation.
Kid's wearing sweatpants.
I, uh... I come to you tonight
from a crappy little city justsouth of Boston, Massachusetts
Not a thing that shouldget whooed, but, uh...
We, uh... we banned dog racingin Massachusetts,
and, uh,we decriminalized marijuana.
Yeah, so it's kind of like
they switched places.
You know, like dog racingbecame illegal.
Marijuana becamea little more legal.
Look, I can't waittill a couple years from now.
Parents are going upto their kids' bedrooms,
knocking on the door,being like, uh,
"Are you guys racing dogsin there?
"'Cause it kind of smellslike you're racing dogs, and
"you guys got to be careful'cause that's a gateway
to horseracing and..."
Or, like, cops are going upto kids in the city,
being, like, "Hey, buddy,you racing dogs over there?"
And the kid's like,"Yo, can't a brother
just walk two dogs really fastat the same time?"
Actually, in California now,
you can get a prescriptionfor medical dog racing
if you have glaucomaor anxiety, so...
It's like little steps.
I just got married a coupleweeks ago and, uh...
My only responsibilityduring the wedding
was to get the groomsmen gifts.
It's the only thing I had to do,which is a tough job
because what do you getfor the guys
that have done nothingfor the last two years but try
and talk you out of the reasonfor having to get them gifts.
I saw a Web site said, "Youcan't go wrong with a flask."
And I was like, "That's perfectbecause I only ask
"degenerate alcoholicswho like to drink on the sly
"to stand up for meat my wedding,
so they would reallyappreciate a flask."
A flask isan interesting object,
because if youbuy yourself a flask,
you know you havea drinking problem.
But if somebodygives you a flask,
you knowyou havea drinking problem...
you know you havea friend who knows
you have a drinking problem,
and you know you have a friendwho does not care at all
about your drinking problem.
We had a bachelor party.
We didn't get any strippers,but we did get an erotic cake.
Uh, which to a big, fat guyis just as good.
It was like a stripper cake,
uh, but a stripperthat didn't have a head
or legs or arms.
So it was like a really gooderotic cake, but it was also,
like, a really good crime sceneinvestigation cake.
Like we werecutting into the cake
like we were doing an autopsy.
I was, like,"I think this cake died
from being too delicious."
We, uh, we dated for a longtime-- me and my wife.
Uh, we dated for ten years before we got married.
And the first datewe ever went on,
we went and played mini golf.
And I had always heardthat if you want a relationship
to blossom out of somethingcompetitive,
you want to letthe other person win.
And apparently,she heard the same thing.
So I don't know if you guys haveseen two 15-year-olds
try and throw a mini gold gamefor each other, but...
by the fifth hole I was playingso bad, I was like,
"This girl thinks I'm retarded."
And by the tenth hole, she wasplaying so bad, I was like,
"I asked out a retarded girl...
from a police officerfor going through a stop sign...
on my bicycle.
A police officerwith a badge and a gun
and a whole car...pulled me over on my bicycle
for going through a stop sign.
Um, I'd like to doa quick impersonation
of the first 25 minutesto a half hour
of what it looks likegetting pulled over
by a cop on your bicycle.
I-I pulled up-- you don'tpull over on a bicycle.
You just stop pedaling.
'Cause you're already overto the side of the road.
the officer approachedmy vehicle,
and, uh, so, best part--
first thing out of his mouth,he goes,
"What's the hurry?"
Are you, are you kidding me?
You can't ask that question.
I'm on a bike;this is a beach cruiser.
But I could tell he was tryingto make detective,
so I had to sitthrough more questions.
He was like, "You didn't see me?
I was following youfor, like, six blocks."
"No... I didn't see you,
"probably 'cause I don't haveany rearview mirrors.
"'Cause I'mon a goddamn bicycle.
"How did you get your job?
"How did you-- did you justwake up one day, like,
"'I got a dark blue shirt.
Why don't we give it a shot?'"
Through some strange seriesof events,
I have a woman in my life.
She obviously makes bad choices.
Uh, she knows how I feel about,about my body.
I know, I know what's going on.
I mean, I got, I got goodshoulders, I got this beard.
The rest of this isa real bag of garbage.
Real pile of trash going onfor the rest of it,
and, uh, she, uh, she caught me
coming out of the showerone day.
I was glistening--best I'll look all day--
uh, and she caught mecoming out
and she said-- to make me feelbetter, she said,
"You look like a Greek god."
That's what she said'cause she loves me.
"You look like a Greek god."
And without even thinking,I just shot back,
"You don't know (bleep)about mythology."
Because that's how I treatpeople that try
to get close to me.
You guys know what that's from?
You trust me now, you trust me?
Bad news, New York.
Turns out that just becauseI've been waking up naked
outside every few weeks,
doesn't mean that thenight before I was a werewolf.
No, you hope and dreamfor stuff sometimes,
and it just doesn't work out.
I tell my friends,"Well, it makes perfect sense,
"what with all the Coors LightsI've been drinking.
"Those must bethe Silver Bullets
"that were killing the beast,
rendering me a human being,come daybreak."
"That's a, that's a tired excuseat best, Kyle."
That's what they tell me.
Good news, New York.
Looks like I don't haveto go to bed anymore
'cause all my dreamsare coming true in the daytime.
You love to argue.
Women, you love it.You love...
Don't, don't shakeyour head "no."
Look, she's like,
"No."What you mean "no"?
You're arguingwith me right now.
Women love it, man.
I think some mornings,y'all just wake up like,
"Look at him.
"Just enjoying himself.
Not in my house."
That's why, man,I just look for the signs.
The signs are thereif you pay attention.
She will give you signs,
like the other day,I knew she was mad.
'Cause she made my sandwich
with the two end piecesof bread.
They wasn't eventhe last two pieces.
You get it? That meansshe dug inside the loaf.
Reached to the back and grabbedout the other end piece.
And I didn't even noticebecause she tricked me
and made the sandwichinside out.
I was like, "Mayonnaiseon the brown side?"
I knew when I was eating it,I'm like,
"Man, this taste extra crustyor something."
When she handed it to me,I saw crumbs on her forearm.
Do you know how evil that is?
She contaminated the whole loaf.
Can you imaginewhen she reached inside?
You know the other sliceswere like, "Hey!
What's wrong with us?"
"What did we do?"
Y'all notice the bread wastalking like that
'cause it was white bread?
'Cause you knowif it had been wheat bread,
it'd have been like,
"Oh, hell no!
You gonna pickthis crusty (bleep)?"
Can't even aska simple question.
You ever ask your ladywhere something is?
She tell you where it's atand don't see it.
"Honey, I'm looking in thecabinet to the right,
it's not here."She's like,
"It's to the right."
"No, I'm looking in the cabinetto the right, it's not here."
"It's in there!"
"No, I'm looking in the cabinet.
I'm looking to the right,it's not here."
And you can feel her get mad.
She's like,"Don't make me get up!"
And fellas,we looking in the cabinet.
We looking to the rightand it's not there.
It's not there.
So she gets up and it stillain't there.
You know the messed up part,when she shows up,
it magically appears.
That's how dumb we lookwhen we turn around.
We're like,"How'd that get there?
How did that get there?"
And does she takeit easy on you? No.
She's like, "Do you see it now?"
"Huh? Do you see it now?
"Maybe if your eyeswas big as your teeth,
you would see somethingevery once in a while."
"I need you to send someoneover here immediately..."
Well, people,I'm, uh, I'm married
to this older womanand I'm loving it
'cause I love relationships,man, 'cause you learn so much.
A lot of people don't know this.
Did you knowthat 15% of men fall victim
to domestic violence each year?
And I know it's higherthan that, too,
'cause I know last yearI didn't report it.
But not again.
I called 911 on my wife,and it felt good, man.
But the messed up part is:
why is it,every time the man's the victim,
It ain't funny.
Sometimes the wrong peoplethink it's funny.
'Cause I called 911,and the dispatcher--
he didn't laugh on the phone,but you could tell
by the response he gave me
that he thoughtit was lightweight humorous.
I'm like, "I need you to sendsomeone over here
"Things are getting out of hand.I just need you to send
someone over here,could you please?"
This is what he said.He was like,
"Why was she mad?"
Like, are you serious?"Why was she mad?"
That's the problem that peoplethink everything's a joke.
"Why was she mad?" I'm like,"Don't worry why she was mad.
"Worry about sendingyour people over here
to get me out of the dryer."