Riggle, Dye, Huck, Graddick, Sullivan, Kinane, Winfield

  • Season 4, Ep 403
  • 10/30/2009

Kyle Kinane reenacts getting pulled over while on his bicycle, and Jeff Dye realizes that he isn't tough enough to live in New York City.

I, uh, found out this morningI'm definitely not

tough enough for New York.


It's true. I, uh,I got out of a cab, you know,

and I'm smiling, you know.I had my, like, map.

And I was like,"Oh, yeah, New York

is delightful, huh? Yeah!"

Within, like, three seconds,some guy's like,

"Out of the way (bleep)!"

I'm like, "All right, over here.Is this good?"

What's going on?A little too happy.

I could get stabbed.I'd be like, "Thank you.

"This is the best stabbingI've ever had. Thank you.

Do we tip? I don't knowhow this works. No."

New York playsby their own rules, you guys.

Went to a bar. I was like,

"Oh, I'll have a,I'll have one Heineken.

The guy's like,"All right, $58."

I was like, "What?

What am I in Narnia?When did drinks cost... $58?"

Uh, no, but this is a true thingthat happened in New York.

I remember reading about it.

A plane took offand a bunch of geese

got caught in the engine,and so, then they thought

they were going to crash,but they were

able to land on waterand everyone lived.

So everyone was like,"What a great day!

What a great day!"It's like...

It's like, "Yeah, it's a greatday if you're not a goose."

All right, I love animals.Nobody's talking about that.

Right? There's somegoose family right now

that's like, "Jacob should behome by now."

You know, like...

I'm sick of people sayingthey like animals

and then they see, like,a fruit fly or something,

they'll swoop at it."Ah, it's a fruit fly."

That's an amazing creature,little fruit fly.

It's this big.

Flies all over the room.

It's that big.

Right? If you thinkabout a fruit fly.

Like if a fruit fly fliesfrom your table to me,

by himself,

that's like L.A. to Floridafor him, you know?

No plane, just his little wings.

You know?

I'm not going to swoop at him.I'll be like, "Rest here."

"You must be so tired.

Do you want some fruit?"

Some people see my comedy.

They always write about itonline and stuff.

They're like,"Aw, he was just stoned."

You know, he's...he's just, he's just high.

This guy's jokingabout fruit flies.

But I am not.This is just how I am.

You know, I'm actuallyreally bad at drugs.

You know, like, I'm the guy

who will ruin the party,you know?

I'll say stuff like, uh,"I could see how people

would killthemselves on this."

Everyone's, like, "Jesus!"Like, "What's going on with...?"

"I feel like my tongueis in 3-D."

They're like, "Your tongue isin 3-D, stupid, all right?"

Like, "Babysit this guy thewhole party-- I'm not gonna..."

Plus it's unfair to assumethat I'm high.

You know, 'cause my jobis to think of funny stuff.

You know, and when you're high,

everything's funny, you know?

So it'd be an occupationalhazard if I just smoked pot

and, like, came up here with,like, a notebook full of jokes.

Like, "So, uh... uh... s...

have you ever seen a snowflake?

"Hi...(breathy muttering)

"It's like, whoa!

"Oh, I got other ones. Um...

Why is peanut butterso delicious?"

(high-pitched,breathy giggle)

I guess I do drugsif you count, uh, drinking.

I drink a lot since, uh,

Mind of Mencia's been canceled.

Ugh, you know.

My friends, they're always,

they're tough guys, you know,so they're always like,

"Hey, man,you gotta drink J ger.

That's what you gotta do, man.Yeah, it what we drink."


"Don't be such a pussy.We drink J ger, man.

It tastes like licorice."

I'm like, "Yeah, it tasteslike licorice,

"but the taste isn't theproblem, you know what I mean?

"I've never hada bag of licorice

"and tried to fight a cop.

You know, that's really..."

from a police officerfor going through a stop sign...

on my bicycle.

A police officerwith a badge and a gun

and a whole car...pulled me over on my bicycle

for going through a stop sign.

Um, I'd like to doa quick impersonation

of the first 25 minutesto a half hour

of what it looks likegetting pulled over

by a cop on your bicycle.

Here's that.



I-I pulled up-- you don'tpull over on a bicycle.

You just stop pedaling.

'Cause you're already overto the side of the road.

The, uh...

the officer approachedmy vehicle,

and, uh, so, best part--

first thing out of his mouth,he goes,

"What's the hurry?"

Are you, are you kidding me?

You can't ask that question.

I'm on a bike;this is a beach cruiser.

There's no...

But I could tell he was tryingto make detective,

so I had to sitthrough more questions.

He was like, "You didn't see me?

I was following youfor, like, six blocks."

"No... I didn't see you,

"probably 'cause I don't haveany rearview mirrors.

"'Cause I'mon a goddamn bicycle.

"How did you get your job?

"How did you-- did you justwake up one day, like,

"'I got a dark blue shirt.

Why don't we give it a shot?'"

Through some strange seriesof events,

I have a woman in my life.

She obviously makes bad choices.

Uh, she knows how I feel about,about my body.

I know, I know what's going on.

I mean, I got, I got goodshoulders, I got this beard.

The rest of this isa real bag of garbage.

Real pile of trash going onfor the rest of it,

and, uh, she, uh, she caught me

coming out of the showerone day.

I was glistening--best I'll look all day--

uh, and she caught mecoming out

and she said-- to make me feelbetter, she said,

"You look like a Greek god."

That's what she said'cause she loves me.

"You look like a Greek god."

And without even thinking,I just shot back,

"You don't know (bleep)about mythology."

Because that's how I treatpeople that try

to get close to me.

Touch it.

You guys know what that's from?

Lifting spirits.


You trust me now, you trust me?


Bad news, New York.

Turns out that just becauseI've been waking up naked

outside every few weeks,

doesn't mean that thenight before I was a werewolf.


I know.

No, you hope and dreamfor stuff sometimes,

and it just doesn't work out.

I tell my friends,"Well, it makes perfect sense,

"what with all the Coors LightsI've been drinking.

"Those must bethe Silver Bullets

"that were killing the beast,

rendering me a human being,come daybreak."

"That's a, that's a tired excuseat best, Kyle."

That's what they tell me.

Oh, God.


Good news, New York.

Looks like I don't haveto go to bed anymore

'cause all my dreamsare coming true in the daytime.