The One with Betrayal

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 09/04/2014

Kumail Nanjiani and Jonah Ray discuss revenge and betrayal and host stand-up from Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel, Doug Benson, Jim Gaffigan and Eric Andre.

So, I was a little, little kid,and what we do in Pak

If you weren't a little kid--I was in kindergartenand I was 16. Whoa!

No, it's like a Pakistani scam,I was like the basketball team.

Yeah, it was a big controversy,the kindergarten basketball teamof Pakistan.

If you did read the papersfrom Pakistan, in thelate 80's--

Too busy watching Arsenio Hall!

I should do specific Pakistanireferences from that era.

Sure, go for it.

You guys likeNeelam Khurasan again.

Nah. Where's the beef?

You're the one getting them all.

So, I'm in kindergarten, and inPakistan, kids do this thingwhere like if you're friends...

with someone, you do--this is called Dosti...

and this is like when you're notfriends with someone, so--

What happens-- what's this then?Is that for--

Frenemies.

Frenemies, okay?

Friends, enemies, frenemies.

Boink.

So, it was me and three friendsand we w-- we had this thing,we had a ritual...

every morning, we would showup-- this was non-standard...

but we were such good friends,we would do it.

We would like renew our bondsof friendship every day.

We would meet up at the locker,and be like Dosti, Dosti, Dosti.

And we were the best of friends.

One day, I hadn't hadbreakfast, and I wasin kind of a shitty mood.

The first guy shows up, and he'slike Dosti, and I was like...

Not today, bro.

Oh!

Just to see what would happen,he went and told theother two guys...

and none of them evertalked to me ever again.

Oh, my god.

For the rec-- I was likeostracized from kindergartensociety.

I had no friends, and thenI saved up all my money...

and I bought like fun erasersfor all of them...

as like a "here, like,be friends."

But there was a kid in classand he would like eateverybody's erasers.

You had to like hide yourerasers from him.

And so I gave them to thesekids, and they just gaveit to the guy...

and they all watchedwhile this kid ate allof my erasers.

And then, they told everyonethat my mom was a ghost...

and whenever my mom cameto school to pick me up...

people would screamand run away.

Doug, I just wantedto say "break a leg."

Doug! Doug. Doug.This is cute.

Doug, I want to say "good luck."

Oh, my god!Hey!

It's Doug Benson.Doug Benson, everybody.

Doug! Hey, Doug!

Doug! Doug.

Have a good set.

Oh, thanks, Jim...Jim Gaffigan. Yeah.

Whoa, he's not coming out yet.Yeah.

Doug, you kind of--Well, let's get him out here.

Come on, Jim Gaffigan,everybody.No, no, you do your thing.

Do your thing. I'm reallyexcited to see your set.

Okay, buddy.Go ahead.

I can't wait 'til his turn.

[KUMAIL]That was all scripted.

[JONAH]Stretch? Stretch?

He's saying we gotta stretch,but we haven't even started.

No, I was saying, "I have gum."Oh!

You're the first performerin the history of everythingthat's bumped himself.

Your-- your own performance isbeing delayed by this bullshit.

I won't do it anymore.

Just-- I'm just gonnalet you do your set.

It's interest--Did you say something?

[JONAH]Hey, all right.

Well, that's all the timewe have for Doug.He just--

Thanks so much for coming!Doug Benson, everyone!

Jim just doubled his--

No, no!

Doug is gonna be so mad at me.

Yeah, if he does not stayon stage right now,he's gonna be very angry.

He's gonna fuck with meso bad now, isn't he?

I'm gonna-- well, do you wantthat or not?

I'm just gonna-- no, I don'tknow. It doesn't matter.

He should, I mean, I--but I think that's fun.

That's what he wanted.

That's a first, where the nextact just fucks up everything.

And he's next, like I couldcompletely revenge on his ass.

Are you gonna revengeon his ass?

No.

It's not my style.

It kind of is perfect.I don't betray people.

You just got betrayed.He just betrayed me.

That's my betrayal story.You guys are friends.

One night I came by the Meltdownshow to try to interrupt Jonahand Kumail.

During a taping.

Yeah, it was for television.Yeah.

Like-- and they weregonna pay me to do it.

Ridic--I don't assume I'm gonnaget paid for this.

I think Guild-wisewe have to pay you.

Oh, perfect. Good night!

Doug Benson, everybody.Doug Benson, everybody.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

No, I--When you were walking out, Ijust was like...

It's funny to like interrupt.

Are they intro-- me?Yeah.

You can fuck with me.What?

You're going on, right?

No, that's the gag, is I wasfucking with them...

and then you fucked with myfucking with them.

So it really became meta, yeah.No way!

The whole gag was I didn't havea set, I was just gonna fuckwith them.

I'm sorry.I didn't know that.

I mean sharing a meal withsomeone, that's intimacy.

That's why it was calledThe Last Supper and notthe last meeting.

You know? Jesus was trying toget 12 other guys together.

You know, there had to be foodthere.

You know, like-- Jesus was like,uh, tomorrow night, I want toget everyone together.

You know there was one apostlelike, "Is there gonna be foodthere?"

Yes, there'll be food.

Are we talking appetizersor entrees?

It'll be a supper.

So casual, I can wear a robe?Are you gonna wear a robe? I'llwear a robe if you wear a robe.

Jesus, he was in good shape,right? Jesus was in amazingshape!

Especially considering hecould multiply breadwhenever he wanted.

He was just like boom,pretzel bread, you know?

The Bible doesn't really specifywhat type of bread it was.

I imagine it was pretzel bread,right? It's like, boom, pretzelbread, boom, garlic knots.

Like if right now I multipliedgarlic knots up here...

you guys would be likemaybe he's god.

I know religion jokes make somepeople uncomfortable.

Especially the onesgoing to hell.

You ever get a phone call?That's annoying, right?

You'd better-- you'd better becalling to tell me your handsare chopped off.

It's like, "I just wanted tohear your voice, Daddy."

Buy my CD, right?

Eric Andre.

Agh!

Uh, this is my first timedoing stand-up.

I want a topic from theaudience.

No, no, I don't, okay.

Ah, where are you from?Agh!

I hate when people that orderstupid drinks from the bar...

they're like, "I'll have ared-headed slut."

Next time you're at the bar,just make up one of those names.

Just go, "Yeah, can I get ashitty dicksucker?"

And then when the bartender'slike, "What the fuck is that?"

Just go, uh, it's just anO'Doul's, it's just--

( PHONE VIBRATES )

Oh, shit, hold on, sorry.

Yeah. Oh, my god! Oh, my god,my wife is having a baby!

My wife-- I'll be right there,honey.

My wife is having a baby!My wife is having a baby!

Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, mygod, oh, my god, oh, my god.

Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh,my god, Oh, my god, oh, my god,oh, my god.

Oh, my god, oh, my god,fuck, fuck, shit!

Will you help me, please?Piss.

What do you need?Do you need me to call 911?

Oh, my god,get away from my wife!

Get away! Where are you? Liedown, honey. Lie down!

Lie down, lie down, lie down,lie down, lie down, lie down.

Oh, my god, oh, my god,oh, my god, oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

What the fuck?

Oh, my god, oh, my god,my wife just had a sandwich!

My wife just had a sandwich!My wife--

My wife just had a sandwich! Oh,my god, honey. Thank you.

Thank you, baby. I love you.I love you.

I want a divorce.

Hey, can I get my sandwich?Yeah.

Wait, that's it?

Can I get a sandwich, please?Now!

Thank you.

We did it. We produced the worstbit in television.

I fucking suck!Yeah!

Ah-too. Eric Andre, everybody.Hey, Eric Andre.