A Taste of Freedom

  • Season 4, Ep 5
  • 02/09/2003

Zoidberg is sentenced to death for eating Earth's flag on Freedom Day.

Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORKS

( clapping in rhythm )

Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

There's no denying it--the future's crazy.

Oh, well,don't want to stand out.

BOTH:Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

There's nothingcrazy about it.

It's justFreedom Day.

( trilling )

So, what is Freedom Day?

Sounds like some kindof feminine hygiene product.

No. It's a fabulous,crabulous day!

If you want to do something,you do it--

and to spleckwith the consequences!

( seagull squawks )

You know, like howI li every day.

( groans )

( all chuckling )

Happy Freedom Day!

Oh, I think my wrist is broken.

Of course, it wouldn't beFreedom Day

without the traditionalfreedom tub.

( beep )

Ooh.Wow, baby.

Mmm, that'll feel niceon my shattered bones.

Wow, nudehot-tubbing?

That's all I need to hearabout Freedom Day.

Then considerthe followinglecture a bonus.

On Earth, freedomis a given.

But on my planet, wehave to suffer for it.

Sure, you canbe a comedian

instead of a doctor--

if you wantyour parents

to roll overin their graves!

Sure, you can votefor Shknadel--

if you want thereshould be a recession!

Sure, you can goto medical school--

if you've given up

on your dreamof being a comedian!

That's why I love Earth--you can do what you want

and no one makes you feel guiltybecause no one cares.

We're notlistening!

That's whatI'm talking about.

( engine roaring )

( applause and cheers )

Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!

( engines rumbling )

BENDER:Excuse me, coming through!

Freedom Trainarriving on track one.

( two toots )

Ow, you brokemy foot!


What's this nextfloat, Linda?

Representing our men, womenand children in uniform

it's Earth's greatest spacehero, Zapp Brannigan.

Happy Freedom Day, ladies.

Come on, let looseand show me something.

Anything. Seriously,I'd take an armpit.

( sighs )

Oh, yeah.Thank you, Linda.

You're welcome!

Okay, Morbo,now it's your turn.

If that is yourFreedom Day wish...

( horrified screaming )

( Techno version of "Hail to the Chief" )

( techno music fades )

Thank you, Secretaryof Transportation.

My fellow Earthicans:

We enjoy so much freedom,it's almost sickening.

We're free to choose which hand

our sex-monitoring chipis implanted in.

And if we don't wantto pay our taxes

why, we're free to spend aweekend with the Pain Monster.

( cheerily ):See you April 15, folks!

Cue the fireworks guy.

( rocket whistling )

( fireworks exploding )


Incidentally, tonight'sFreedom Day celebration

is brought to you by...

Shankman's Rubbing Compound.

When something needs rubbing,think Shankman.

( excited cheering )Yeah, Shankman!

It costs a little more,but it's worth it.

Our planet has been throughso much this past year--

wars, droughts, impeachments--

but we've never lost our senseof what's truly important:

the great tasteof Charleston Chew.

( fireworks exploding )

And now, let us salute

that beloved symbol of freedom,our flag...

Ol' Freebie.

( Earth National Anthem plays )

( all cheering )

I'm swellingwith patriotic mucus.

In our darkest hour

we can stand erectwith proud, upthrust bosoms....

Anyone who laughsis a Communist.

...knowing that,with a shifty glance skyward

we will see bythe rocket's red glare

that our flag is still there.

It's gone!

( slurping )

( burps )

( gasping )

Yes, fellow patriots,I ate your flag!

And I did it with pride.

For to express oneselfby doing a thing

is the very essenceof Freedom Day.

Bless this planetand all its wonderful people.

( crickets chirping )

Kill him!

Kill the traitor!

( crowd mutters angrily )

( high-pitched shriek )

( crowd yelling angrily )

W-w-wooo, w-w-woo!

Hey, it's desecrated our flag!

NIXON:Stop that Red menace!

W-w-wooo, w-w-woo!

( panting )

( breathlessly ):W-w-wooo, w-w-woo!

( panting )

Oh, I'm all scuttled out.


My planet's embassy?

They're paid to not kill me.

( yelling angrily )

( beep )

I thoughtI understood this world.

I thought I was fitting in.

But I guess I don't belong hereany more than I do

on our crappy home planet.

Ooh, sorry.

What, sorry?Our planet stinks.

We all know it.

Enough with thepersecution,I'm saying.

Zoidberg, asAmbassador

I promise youthe full support

of our government,already.

Poor boy. You wantmaybe a nicemug cocoa?

Ambassador Moivin,you and your staff are so kind.

I am truly humbled.

What, no marshmallows?

( crowd yelling angrily )

Let's storm the place!

Without my prior knowledge.

BENDER:Coming through, Freedom Train,step aside.

You, too, Fatso-- freedom!

Cool yourjowls, Nixon.

You may not like it thatDr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag.

You may even find the imageof it festering in his bowels

somehow offensive

but the right tofreedom of expression

is guaranteed by theEarth Constitution.

( growls ):Maybe so.

But I know a place where theConstitution doesn't mean squat.

The Supreme Court hereby acceptsthe case of Earth v. Zoidberg.

Sock it to 'em!

( chanting );Two, four, six, eight,eating the flag is bad.

Now, your noose knothas exactly seven twists.

♪ You can eat my dog ♪

♪ You can eat my truck ♪

♪ But you eat my flag,and you're out of luck ♪

♪ She's a-waving proud,around the world ♪

♪ From Dallas to Fort Worth ♪

♪ Let me say it again... ♪

( horn blows )

ALL:♪ Don't mess with Earth! ♪

They sure hate Dr. Zoidberg.

Posers. I was hating Zoidbergbefore it was cool.

Where are we evergoing to find

a lawyer totake his case?

I'll ask the headof the ACLU--

once he'sdone singing.

♪ Don't mess with Earth ♪

Kill Zoidberg!Good night!

MAN:Howdy there.

I'm a lawyer,and I'd like

to help your friendout of this pickle.

Who are you, old man?

Name's Old Man Waterfall

but most folksjust call me "Old Man."

I'll never remember that.

I'm a veteranof three dozen wars.

Name a body part and a planet

and I've taken a bulletin it, on it

all to keepour flag flyin' free.

And you want todefend Zoidberg?

Are you familiarwith the oldrobot saying

( monotone ):"Does not compute"?

Son, to me, a robot'sjust a garbage can

with sparkscoming out of it.

The sparks keep me warm.

I don't condonewhat Dr. Zoidberg did

but I'll fight tooth and nailfor his freedom to do it.

Or, I would, if I hadn't lostmy teeth and nails

on Mars and Saturn,respectively.

Wait, y-you're a lawyer?You're hired!

You okay there in theEmbassy, Zoidberg?

No. There's no cocoamarshmallows.

And every night, the rats eata little more of my foot.

Oyez, oyez, oyez.

All rise for the Honorable ChiefJustice Myrtle Fu

and the Associate Justices.

( metallic squeaks )

Counsel, you may addressthe court on behalf of Earth

if you're ready.

I was hatched ready.

Honorable Judgeheads, yondercrawdad done et up our flag.

I was doing freedom of speech:Earth's most sacred right.

Your Honor,freedom of speech

applies to whatcomes out of a mouth

not what goes in.

Can Counsel cite precedent?

Uh, yes, darlin', I can.

In State of Alabama vs. Giant Space Iguana

chewing the cornersoff the Constitution

was deemed nonprotected speech.

He shut youup, O'Connor.

( chuckles )


you may now present argumentson behalf of Dr. Zoidberg.

Oh, God, I'm nervous.

Two of my three heartsare having attacks.

( laughs )

Court's kind of fun when it'snot my ass on the line.


Oh, Land O' Goshen.

Your Honors, I'm notsome slick, big-city lawyer

like my opponent here...

( clucking )

...but I am a veteranwho has fought for his planet.

You see this hand of mine?

Yes, I do.

No, you don't, 'causeI lost me real hand

planting the flagwhen we took back Haley's Comet.

Yet it was worth it--so much do I love that flag.

Aw...( sniffling )

I love it even morethan I love my seven wives.

That's right, I'm a polygamist.

( all booing )

Yet I would gladlyeat a flag myself--

had I not used my intestineas a rope

to hoist a flagmade of my own skin--

if it would protect the freedomsof the proud people

who salute that flag.

( cheering )

Freedoms such as polygamy.

( booing )

I rest my case.

( clunking )

Whoa, geez.

The Justices and Iwill now confer

using high-speed telepathy.

( electrical buzzing )

( electrical buzzing continues )

( electrical buzzing stops )

By a vote of six to three,we find that flag-eating

is not protectedby the Constitution.

( all gasping )

Six to three?I beat the spread.

The court ordersan immediate public apology.

Apology accepted.

Just don't let it happen again.

She means you,you turkey of the sea.

Me, apologize? Never!

I came to this planet to learnthe meaning of freedom!

But I say it's youwho should get a nice lesson!

So, do your worst, becauseno punishment could be bigger

than denying me my freedom!

You are hereby sentencedto death.

Wait, let me finish!

( shocked murmuring )

Also, in a raredouble-whammy decision

the court finds polygamyconstitutional.

( booing )

I can't wait to tell my husband.

( louder booing )

ZAPP BRANNIGAN:Remember, men

take him alive, so there'ssomething left to kill.

( pounding )

Stay back!

This Embassy is sovereign mudof the mud planet Decapod 10.

Invading these mud premisesis an act of war!

Yeah? Well, what are you goingto do about it, shrimpy?

You want to see, Mr. Bigshot?

Attack Earth!

Yes, I know it's a shlep--just do it!

( engines roaring )

Haha! Now the rubber band'son the other claw!

( terrified screaming )

Ready? Retreat!

( people screaming )

( claws snipping )

( screaming )

( screaming and yelling )


( people screaming softly and whimpering )

DR. ZOIDBERG:Deny my freedom, will you?

Well, we'll do to you

what we did to the Squash Menof the Squash Planet--

squish them!

( chuckling )

Charleston Chew?

You bet.

( heroic music plays )

ZAPP: All right, Kif

let's showthese freaks

what a bloated, runawaymilitary budget can do.

Bring me the activation codesfor our global defense network.

Aye, aye, sir.

( grunting )

( electronic beeps )

Commence lipidentification scan.

Mmm, mmm, mm.

No tongue.

( electronic beeps )

( bell tone )

( hissing )

( kissing ):Mmm...

We can't be too carefulwith these codes.

Rumor has it,a double agent

may be aboardthis very ship.

I'm watching you.

You, Ensign,what's your name?

Hugh Mann, sir.

Hugh Mann.

Now, that's a nameI can trust.

Run down to the centralbattle computer

and enter these codes,chop-chop.

KIF:Uh, sir, there's somethingabout that Ensign...

ZAPP:You're damn right there is.

That strapping young lad'sgunning for your job

and he just might get it.

( sighs )

( rumbling )

The enemy approacheth.

Lieutenant,fire missile one

and recommend mefor another medal.

Make it gaudy--I'm going clubbing later.

( beeping )


Sir, all planetary defenseshave been disabled.

Perhaps the Decapodiansacquired our secret codes.


Well, Kif,stand by to take the blame.

Steady... steady...


( Zapp and Kif screaming )

( explosion )

Dr. Zoidberg

how can you claimto love freedom

and then enslave all of Earth?

Bah! Your planetdoesn't deserve freedom

until it learns what it isto not have freedom.

It's a lesson, I say.


What the hell is this dirt pilewe're building, anyhow?

None of yourbeeswax, slave.

You'll find outsoon enough.

Just focus onglobbing that mud.


( grunting and panting )

I'm not goodat being a slave.

I'm thinking aboutgraduate school.

You know,to become a barber.

This can't go on.

Today is the day we fight back!

It's already 10:00.

Oh, you're right.

Tomorrow is the day

we fight back.

Yeah? Well, good luck, sister.

All our modern technologyis useless.

I know I am.

( snoring )

Hey, wait.

I'm having oneof those things.

You know, a headachewith pictures.

An idea?

( grunts )

Back in my day

we didn't have your fancyall-digital weapons

but we still managedto kill each other just fine.

Ah, the crossbow.

A pitiless,elegant killing machine.

The Bender of the 15th century.

Not big enough.

We need something that cantake out an entire army.

Something you could commita war crime with...

( gasps )

( oohing and ahhing )

( clonk )


( warships whooshing )

Earth's slaves, beholdthe fruit of your labors:

The Mobile Oppression Palace!

( crowd gasping )


I don't need to tell you thatoccupation forces are expensive.

But with the MobileOppression Palace

a few dignitaries canoppress your entire planet

for pennies a day.

( chuckling )

Warships dismissed!

( rumbling )

( glass shattering )

Do your worst

you sea devils!

I'll make my standwith Ol' Freebie!

You can crush me,but you can't crush my spirit!

Ah! My spirit!

( groaning )

Great-Grandpa, no!

Another victim ofthe manocentric male-ocracy.

Ambassador Moivin,you killed my lawyer.

You're welcome.

He defended my freedomwhen no one else would.

He was a goodand honorable man.

I requesta satanic funeral.

( crowd booing )

Is it possible that all thisslavery and oppression

is shmutzing upour freedom lesson?

Oh, take a pill,Zoidberg.

Begin againwith the crushing!

( screaming )

( raucous clanging )

You haven't won yet, Moivin.

You didn't expect usto even go to a museum

much less steal this ancientheat-seeking missile.

I don't even know you.

( electronic beep )

( horrified gasps )

Oh, it's goingto make such a mess.

( all sighing with relief )

This is your secret plan?


Heat-seeking missilesare useless

againstthe Mobile Oppression Palace.

All Decapodian technologyis cold-blooded, like us.

( claws clacking )

( crowd screaming )

All eyes on Zoidberg!

( pop )


Hey, I need that to smoke!

( gasping )

Zoidberg,how could you?!

I used to think you were cool.

Wait, people of Earth, listen.

Yes, I'm desecrating a flag

but to preserve the freedomit represents.

( beeping )

( screaming )

( explosion )

( ecstatic cheering )

Zoidberg,you set us free!

I feel like I couldstand to hug you.

I can't, but you knowwhat I'm trying to say.

CROWD ( chanting ):Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg!

Ah, if only they appreciatedfreedom this much

on my home planet.

Wait a second-- they do!

Because this is my home planet.

NIXON:And now, to raisethis beautiful new flag

a red lobsterthat won't ruin your dinner

Dr. John Zoidberg!

You're a nice man, Nixon.

Dr. Zoidberg,how's about you take a bite

of the flagfor tomorrow's papers?

Oh, I couldn't.

No, no, go ahead.

You've earned it.

Well, maybe just a taste.


Now, that's a grand old flag!

( cheering wildly )

I wonder whatthe Shroud of Turin tastes like.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org