Wednesday, June 4, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01073
  • 06/04/2014

Arden Myrin, Bobby Lee and Timothy Simons guess which shocking message appeared on an Alabama billboard, #RedneckASong and list terrible things to say at a funeral.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

>> Chris: TO CELEBRATE THE DVDRELEASE OF ROBOCOP, SONY

PICTURES HOPED TO REVEAL THEROBOCOP STATUE.

HOWEVER THEY DIDN'T TELL ANYONEWHO WAS ACTUALLY MAKING THE

STATUE, SO IT WAS CANCELED.

INSTEAD ROBOCOP THREW OUT THEFIRST PITCH AT A TIGERS GAME,

THAT HAD TO BE GREAT, RIGHT?

>> SPEAKING OF BAD PITCHES, AMAN WHO'S BEEN MORE TIMES THAN

ROBOCOP, 50 CENT, DID A REDDITAMA YESTERDAY AND ATTEMPTED TO

DEFEND HIS OWN EVEN WORSE PITCH.

>> AND THE FIRST PITCH WAS NOTGREAT. JUST A BIT OUTSIDE.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Chris: I THINK HE ONLY GAVETHAT ONE ABOUT 10 CENTS.

>> OH, MY GO.

WHAT WAS HIS ACTUAL EXPLANATIONDURING HIS REDDIT AMA?

A, TURNS OUT I CAN'T HOLD ON TOBALLS.

B, I HAVE A SKELETAL MUSCLEINJURY ON MY LEFT SHOULDER FROM

EXCESSIVE MASTURBATION SO TAKEIT EASY, LOL.

C, I TOLD A LITTLE BOY IN THEHOSPITAL I'D HIT A CAMERA MAN

FOR HIM.

>> ARDEN.

>> C, I FOLD A LITTLE BOY I'DHIT A CAMERA MAN FOR HIM.

>> NO, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS B.

>> I FEEL LIKE EXCESSIVEMASTURBATION HAS MADE YOU A

MUCH BETTER PITCHER, RIGHTBOBBY?

>> YES, I USE TWO FINGERS,THOUGH.

SO THESE THREE FINGERS AREREALLY STRONG. THIS, NOT SO MUCH

FACEBOOK USERS POSTED IMAGES OFA HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE BILLBOARD

FOR A CHILDREN'S MINISTRY INALABAMA, AND IT QUICKLY BECAME

NATIONAL NEWS. COMEDIANS, WHATMADE THIS BILLBOARD SO BAD?

NOW I WANT YOU GUYS AS A GROUPTO JUST SORT OF JUST GET READY

BE COMFORTABLE

A, THE BILLBOARD USES ANINSPIRING LINE SAID BY ADOLPH

HITLER.

>> YES.

OKAY.

>> REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE TALKINGBEFORE?

B, THE BILLBOARD STATES THAT THECHILDREN'S MINISTRY SEGREGATES

NAP TIME.

C, THE BILLBOARD CALLS ROSAPARKS LAZY.

>> BOBBY LEE.

>> ONE OF THESE IS REAL.

>> A!

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS A FORADOLF!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> STOP CLAPPING! YOU NEVER

APPLAUD HITLER, THAT'S ONERULE.

>> THIS IS AN ACTUAL BILLBOARDTHAT SAYS HE ALONE WHO OWNS THE

YOUTH GAINS THE FUTURE.

ADOLPH (BLEEP)ING HITLER!

>> THEY DIDN'T EVEN LIKE WELLLET'S TAKE IT OUT OF CONTEXT AND

MAYBE NO ONE WILL KNOW.

NOPE, HITLER RIGHT THERE.

LET'S PUT IT IN RED SO EVERYONEIS REALLY SURE WHO SAID THIS.

>> WOW.

>> Chris: FOR BONUS POINT IFTHIS BAT (BLEEP) CHILDREN'S

MINISTRY IS USING HITLER AS AROLE MODEL, PLEASE NAME THIS

DAY-CARE CENTER. ARDEN MYRIN.

>> SMILES AND HEILSKINTERGARTEN.

>> Chris: POINTS. TIMOTHY

>> MEIN DAY CAMP, THE FINALSOLUTION TO ALL OF YOUR CHILD

CARE NEEDS.

TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

THE CMT MUSIC AWARDS WERETONIGHT HONORING THE BEST IN

COUNTRY MUSIC WHICH IS USUALLYTHE WORST IN REGULAR MUSIC.

BUT, NOW, LISTEN, I AM FROM THESOUTH, I LOVE REAL COUNTRY MUSIC

BUT WITH TAYLOR SWIFT, IT IS NOTEVEN REDNECK THINK MORE, IT IS

LIKE PINK BUBBLE GUM NECK, WEGOTTA PUT THE RED BACK IN RED

NECK AND THE REDNECK BACK INTOMUSIC, SO THE HASHTAG TONIGHT =

IS #REDNECKASONG. SO EXAMPLESMIGHT BE:

MULLET THE BLUE SKY OR LINEDANCING QUEEN, OR 99 PROBLEMS

AND THE JEWS ARE ONE.

>> I AM GOING TO PUT 60-SECONDSON THE CLOCK AND GO.

>> ARDEN.

>> I COOKED A SQUIRREL AND ILIKED IT.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

>> TIM.

>> WAR PIGS OF NORTHERNAGGRESSION.

>> Chris: VERY GOOD.

ARDEN HE.

>> I AM THE WAL-MART.

>> Chris: POINTS. YES, BOBBY.

>> HOTEL 6 CALIFORNIA.

>> Chris: ARDEN.

>> WHAT DOES THE FOXWORTHY SAY.

>> Chris: YES POINTS. ARDEN

>> SMELLS LIKE TEEN PREGNANCY.

>> Chris: I LAUGHED AND THEN ITHOUGHT ABOUT IT LITERALLY AND

I GOT UNCOMFORTABLE.

YES, TIMOTHY.

>> I AM DREAMING OF A WHITESONLY CHRISTMAS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BOBBY.

>> MISUSING MY RELIGION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES.

TIMOTHY.

>> MUTTON COMPARES TO YOU.

>> Chris: NICE, POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> YOU SHOOK THE BABY ALL NIGHTLONG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TIMOTHY.

>> DARK SIDE OF THE MOONSHINE.

>> Chris: OH, NICE! I LIKETHAT ONE.

KINKED IN

>> NOW, IT'S NOT REALLY A SECRETTHE INTERNET IS FILLED TO ITS

FILTHY LITTLE BRIM WITH SEXSTUFF BUT DID YOU KNOW A LOT OF

IT DOESN'T EVEN INVOLVE HOO-HASAND WEE-WAHS? WE'RE GOING TO

SHOW YOU A STILL OF A YOUTUBEVIDEO AND YOU HAVE TO TELL US

THE FETISH IT APPLIES TO.

ALL RIGHT.

IS THIS A VIDEO OF BEAUTIFULWOMEN GETTING HIT WITH PIES.

OR OFF DUTY LIFEGUARDS SMOKINGCIGARETTES.

>> ARDEN.

>> PIES!

>> SHOW ME PIES!

>> YEAH!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: DO CLOWNS JERK OFF TO

THIS? LIKE WHO -- WHY WOULD YOU--

>> SQUIRTING WATER>> Chris: IS THIS A VIDEO FOR

PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO DRESS UP ASANIMALS AND HUMP BALLOONS OR

PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO DRESS UP ASANIMALS AND PEE ON RUGS?

>> PEE ON RUGS BECAUSE THAT ISME.

>> Chris: THAT IS SOMETHINGYOU WOULD DO? LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH, NO.

>> I LOVE IT.

>> WOW.

>> Chris: ACTUALLY IT JUSTLOOKS LIKE HE HAS REALLY SWOLLEN

BALLS RIGHT THERE.

>> I DON'T LIKE IT AT THEBEGINNING HE MAKES IT CLEAR THAT

HE KNOWS YOU ARE WATCHING.

>> NOW THAT IS, THERE ISSOMETHING SHAMEFUL ABOUT IT.

YOU LIKE THIS, DON'T YOU.

>> WELL, YEAH, I DO.

>>>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE IS THIS A VIDEO FORWOMEN HAVING EXTREMELY MUCUS-Y

SNEEZES OR WOMEN SINGINGINCORRECT LYRICS TO BON JOVI

SONGS? ARDEN.

>> SNEEZES.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> WHAT.>> GOD DAMMNIT!

>> WHY?

>> Chris: I HADN'T ACTUALLYWATCHED THE VIDEO UNTIL JUST NOW

>> I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

>> ALL RIGHT.

LAST ONE, IS THIS A VIDEO OF AMAN LIGHTING HIS OWN FARTS OR A

MAN MECHANICALLY HITTING HIMSELFIN THE NUTS?

>> ARDEN.

IT HAS TO BE NUTS, NUTS, NUTS,NUTS.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE.

>> AND HE GOES DOWN!

>> HE IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT.

>> LOOK AT HIS SPECIAL NUTPANTS. THOSE ARE SPECIAL PANTS.

HE HAS LIKE A CAMEL TOE OF NUTS.

POWER POINTLESS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POWER POINTLESS.

STOCK PHOTO, LET'S FACE IT THEYONLY EXIST TO BE PLACED IN

POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONS NO ONEWANTS TO SIT THROUGH, THE TUMBLR

WEIRD STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY HAS DONEUS THE FAVOR OF COLLECTING ALL

OF THE STOCK PHOTOS ON THEPLANET.

COMEDIANS I AM GOING TO SHOW YOUA STOCK PHOTO THAT SOME COMPANY

THOUGHT WOULD BE NECESSARY ANDYOU GIVE ME THE PRESENTATION YOU

THINK IT WOULD BE USE FOR

>> FIRST UP, WE HAVE THIS HAPPYMOURNER RIGHT HERE.

>> LOOK AT ALL THE MONEY I AMGOING TO GET!

>> YES, SOMEONE BUZZ IN.

>> TIMOTHY.

>> HOW TO GRAVE ROB YOUR UNCLEWHO IS THE REASON THAT YOU ARE A

STRIPPER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES.

VERY DETAILED PRESENTATION.

BOBBY.

>> GOLD DIGGING, THE V STIVIANOWAY.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS, SURE.

NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUT THIS ANGELIN A TUTU?

>> YOU KNOW, LIKE STOCKPHOTOGRAPHY IS THEY TAKE

PICTURES AND SAY SOMEONE MAYNEED TO USE THIS FOR SOMETHING

AND IT IS LIKE, YES, THISTOTALLY CHECKS THE BOX OF SOME

SORT.

TIMOTHY.

>> SEASONAL WORK OPTIONS FORALCOHOLICS.

>> Chris: YES. POINTS, THAT'SFANTASTIC

>> HOW ABOUT JESUS CHRIST SUPERSHOPPER HERE?

>> AFTER JESUS TIPPED OVER THETABLES IN THE MARKETPLACE HE

WENT BACK FOR SOME GREAT DEALS.

>> Chris: YES.

ARDEN.

>> SHOPPING SPREE IN IBIZA WITHYOUR BOYFRIEND RAMON, $700.

RISING FROM THE DEAD, PRICELESS!

GRAVE ANSWERS

>> Chris: THE QUESTION, WHAT'STHE WORST POSSIBLE THING TO SAY

AT A FUNERAL POPPED UP ON ASKREDDIT AND THE VERY REAL ANSWERS

RANGE FROM THE AWFUL, YOU'RE NOTLOSING A DAUGHTER, YOU'RE

GAINING A GUEST ROOM.

TO THE TRULY AWFUL, SO WHERE'SYOUR HUSBAND AT? AT HER

HUSBAND'S FUNERAL.

>> THAT IS A BAD THING TO SAY.

>> COMEDIANS I KNOW YOU CAN BEDELIGHTFULLY MORE AWFUL THAN

THAT.

I WANT YOU TO NAME AS MANY WORSTPOSSIBLE THINGS YOU CAN SAY AT A

FUNERAL AS POSSIBLE. 60 SECONDSAND GO.

>> THE REAL TRAGEDY IS NEVERLIVING WHICH HE NEVER DIDN'T HE

WAS BORING AS (BLEEP).

>> SHE MAY BE DEAD BUT HERAMERTURE (BLEEP) FILMS WILL LIVE

ON THE INTERNET FOREVER.

>> Chris: POINTS. SOUNDS LIKE AREAL TEARJERKER.

>> WHEW!

>> BOO!

>> BOO!

(SCREAMS)

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS FOR THAT.

BOBBY LEE.

>> WELL SINCE HE IS DEAD YOUMUST BE HORNY AS (BLEEP) RIGHT

NOW.

>> Chris: TIMOTHY.

>> HE DIED DOING WHAT HE LOVED,VISITING HIS SECOND FAMILY THAT

HIS WIFE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> OH, SO YOU MUST BE THE LITTLEBOY HE WAS CHEATING ON HIS WIFE

WITH.

OH (BLEEP).

>> I STARTED WITH WOMAN ANDWENT TO LITTLE BOY.

>> Chris: I THINK YOU ALL NEEDA SOUL SHOWER AFTER THIS.

TIMOTHY.

>> I HOPE HE CLEARED HIS BROWSERHISTORY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BOBBY LEE!

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT THATFAT BITCH IN THAT CASKET, BRAH.

>> POINTS. TIMOTHY.

>> I THINK NWA SAID IT THE BESTWHEN THEY SAID (BLEEP) THE

POLICE SO HERE IS TO YOU,OFFICER MURPHY.

Loading...