CC Presents: Harland Williams

  • Season 9, Ep 20
  • 06/23/2005

I'M JUST CRAZY ABOUT

CHEESE SAUCE.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE CHEESE SAUCE!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WELL, I GOT A TEXT MESSAGE FROM

MY DYSLEXIC BROTHER,

MICHAEL, TODAY.

IT SAID...

"[FUNNY NOISES]...

MARGARET."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER NOTICE AT THE

DRIVE-THRU THEY ALWAYS GOT THAT

LITTLE SIGN "NO VEHICLE,

NO SERVICE"?

SO THIS IS WHAT I DID.

I BOUGHT MYSELF A WONDER WOMAN

COSTUME.

[LAUGHTER]

SO NOW I WALK RIGHT UP TO THE

WINDOW.

THE LADY SAYS, "WHERE'S YOUR

VEHICLE?"

I SAY, "I'M IN MY INVISIBLE JET,

ASS [BLEEP]!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW GIVE ME MY GOD-FORSAKEN

CURLY FRIES!

I'VE BEEN CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF!

HELLO!

DADDY'S BEEN CLEARED FOR

TAKEOFF!"

[LAUGHTER]

GOD.

YOU EVER DO THIS?

YOU EVER STUFF YOUR MATTRESS

FULL OF RICE KRISPIES AND THEN

PISS THE BED?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SNAP, CRACKLE, POP ALL NIGHT

LONG!

YOU'LL SLEEP LIKE A BABY WALRUS

WALLOWING AROUND IN THE

SEA KELP!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU EVER SEE HOW MANY ONION

RINGS YOU CAN STACK ON YOUR

[BLEEP], SIR?

[LAUGHTER]

BETTER LET 'EM COOL OFF

BEFORE YOU TRY THAT LITTLE

TRICK, BUDDY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HAD A FLY IN MY HOUSE LAST WEEK.

YOU EVER GET A FLY IN YOUR

HOUSE, THERE SON, HUH, BIG

GREASY FLY SWIRLING AROUND?

THIS IS WHAT I DID.

I CAUGHT HIM.

PULLED ALL HIS LEGS OFF.

LITTLE BASTARD CAN'T LAND.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S BEEN AIRBORNE FOR

FIVE DAYS!

SO I WENT TO THE DOG PARK,

GOT A BIG LOAF OF BASSET HOUND

POO AND THREW IT ON MY

LIVING ROOM FLOOR JUST TO TEASE

HIM!

HE'S GOING BERSERK.

THAT'S LIKE DANGLING A FAT GUY

OVER A BUFFET!

[LAUGHTER]

GOD, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF

ANIMALS OUT THERE, HUH?

YOU EVER HAVE A FLY IN YOUR

HOUSE, DEAR?

GOD.

ANIMALS, ANIMALS, EVERYWHERE

ANIMALS.

I GOT ATTACKED BY AN ANIMAL

FEW MONTHS AGO.

GOT ATTACKED BY A SKUNK.

YOU EVER BEEN ATTACKED

BY A SKUNK?

WHAT A HUMILIATING ATTACK

THAT IS.

THING RAN RIGHT UP ON ME,

SQUIRTED ASS JUICE ALL OVER

MY FACE.

"THANKS FOR THE ASS SAUCE THERE,

STRIPY McGEE!"

[LAUGHTER]

HOW 'BOUT IN INDIA, THEY GOT

THE SPITTING COBRA.

NOT ONLY DOES IT KILL YOU

BUT THE LAST THING YOU HEAR

BEFORE YOU DIE IS...

"[HOCKS LUGGIE]."

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOME ANIMALS ARE SMART

THE WAY THEY GET YOU, HUH?

HOW 'BOUT THE COYOTE.

THEY'RE CLEVER.

HERE'S HOW THE COYOTES KILL YOU.

WHAT THEY DO IS THEY PAINT

A TARGET IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE HIGHWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]

THEY FILL IT UP WITH

ACME BIRDSEED.

YOU BEND DOWN TO EAT THEY DROP

A PIANO ON YOUR HEAD.

A BIG GREASY STEINWAY MADE OF

DEAD ELEPHANT MEAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, COYOTES ARE SMART.

BIG THING IN THE PAPER LAST WEEK

TOO, HUH?

NOW DOLPHINS, DOLPHINS

APPARENTLY THE SECOND SMARTEST

CREATURES ON THE PLANET.

SO I WENT DOWN TO SEA WORLD

TO SEE WHAT ALL THE COMMOTION

WAS ABOUT.

I GET UP TO THE DOLPHIN TANK.

LITTLE CHARACTER JUMPS UP

IN HIS TANK, HE'S LIKE,

"[DOLPHIN CLICKS]."

I'M LIKE, "[BLEEP] GENIUS!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I COULD'VE GOT THE SAME

INFORMATION FROM A RETARD!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

REAL SMART.

YOU LIVE IN THE WATER AND YOU

STILL BREATHE AIR, YOU DUMB ASS!

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S SOME ANIMALS WE DON'T

EVEN NEED, ISN'T THERE, HUH?

COME ON, FOLKS.

DO WE NEED THE CROW, FOR CRYING

OUT LOUD?

DO WE NEED CROWS, MY FUNNY

LITTLE FRIENDS?

DIG THIS.

I'M LAYING IN BED THE OTHER

MORNING, RIGHT, HAVING A

WONDERFUL LITTLE SLEEP.

SUNBEAM COMES THROUGH MY WINDOW,

HITS ME IN MY FACE.

MY LITTLE EYES FLUTTER OPEN.

I'M LYING IN BED, AND ALL I CAN

HEAR OUT IN THE GARDEN IS THE

MERRY SONG OF EVERY BIRD IN THE

BIRD KINGDOM.

IT'S LIKE...

[BIRD WHISTLES]

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN...

[SQUAWKS LOUDLY]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[SQUAWKS LOUDLY]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

WHAT IS HE SO PISSED OFF AT

AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING FOR?

IT'S LIKE GOING TO A BEAUTIFUL

OPERA ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

♪ AVE MARIA...

[SQUAWKS LOUDLY]

[LAUGHTER]

GOD, WE HATE CROWS.

DON'T WE, HUH?

WE HATE THEM SO MUCH WE INVENTED

SCARECROWS.

SCARECROWS DON'T SCARE CROWS.

THEY ATTRACT HOMELESS PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER]

THINK ABOUT IT!

YOU'RE A HOMELESS GUY WALKING

DOWN THE ROAD.

THERE'S SOME NEW CLOTHES IN

A FIELD FULL OF FOOD!

WHAT COULD BE BETTER FOR YOUR

SITUATION?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU EVER WATCH THE DISCOVERY

CHANNEL, MAN?

NATURE'S ROUGH.

IT'S A ROUGH PLACE TO BE, HUH?

WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL

THE OTHER DAY.

BIG THING ON FLAMINGOES,

STANDING AROUND ON ONE LEG!

JUST STANDING THERE AND MONKEYS

ARE JUMPING OUT OF THE WEEDS

ATTACKING 'EM.

ALLIGATORS JUMPING UP,

EATING 'EM ALIVE.

THINKING NATURE'S ROUGH ENOUGH,

WHAT CHANCE DO YOU HAVE AT

SURVIVAL WHEN YOU'RE BORN PINK?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE SOMETHING'S COMING

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, YOU WANT

A PIECE OF THIS, PLAYER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU WANT TO GO, SUCKER?

AND THEY STAND AROUND ON

ONE LEG, SO IF SOMETHING'S

COMING AT 'EM, EVEN IF THEY GO

TO KICK 'EM, THEY JUST FALL ON

THEIR PINK FACE.

A PENGUIN COULD BEAT THE CRAP

OUT OF A FLAMINGO!

DIRTY, GREASY PINK FLAMINGO.

LOOK AT THIS CREEPY BASTARD.

[LAUGHTER]

HI, STUPID.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S GOOD TO SEE EVERYBODY

NICE AND SAFE INSIDE, THOUGH

ISN'T IT, HUH, NICE AND SAFE,

SAFE FROM THE EL QUEDAS?

[LAUGHTER]

OH YEAH, HAVE YOU HEARD THE

WORD, FRIENDS?

THE EL QUED ARE COMING TO

GET US.

EVERY TIME YOU TURN ON THE TV,

THERE THEY ARE, SWINGING ON

THE MONKEY BARS IN THEIR BLACK

BATHROBES, SOMERSAULTING OVER

THAT PIECE OF WOOD.

OOOHHH!

I'M AFRAID TO GO TO THE PARK

AND HOME DEPOT, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TERRIFIED.

EVERY WEEK IT'S A NEW TERROR

ALERT, ISN'T IT?

IT'S ORANGE.

IT'S GREEN.

IT'S YELLOW.

LAST WEEK IT WAS LIKE CRANBERRY

CINNAMON BUTTERSCOTCH RIPPLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

I'M SO TERRIFIED OF EL QUEDAS

GETTING ME THIS IS WHAT I DID.

I PAINTED MY CAR WITH ARMY

CAMOUFLAGE.

I DRIVE AROUND WITH LETTUCE ON

MY FACE SO THEY CAN'T SEE ME.

I SPEED EVERYWHERE SO EL QUEDAS

CAN'T CATCH ME.

DIG THIS.

I'M GOING DOWN THE HIGHWAY

THE OTHER DAY, 110 MILES AN HOUR

IN MY CAMOUFLAGE CAR.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED,

SOMEHOW A COP SAW ME.

[LAUGHTER]

HE PULLS ME OVER.

HE SAYS, "SON, DO YOU KNOW

HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?"

I'M LIKE, "WHO YOU TALKING TO,

OFFICER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY DRIVING BY THINKS

YOU'RE TALKING TO A BLUEBERRY

BUSH, SIR."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I LOVE THE WAY THEY CALL

YOU "SON" ALL THE TIME, RIGHT?

"YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE

GOING, SON?"

"GEE, NO, "DAD", HOW FAST WAS

I GOING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DON'T YOU BEND ME OVER THE

MOTORCYCLE AND SPANK ME,

YOU NAUGHTY PERVERT!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S CRAZY OUT THERE WITH

EL QUEDAS.

EVERYTHING'S CHANGED SINCE 7/11,

HASN'T IS?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T FLY ANYWHERE ANYMORE.

EVERYONE'S ALL UPTIGHT AT THE

AIRPORT.

HOLY GOD, ON A THREE-DOLLAR

GUMBALL MACHINE.

I HAD TO GO THROUGH SECURITY

THE OTHER DAY AT THE AIRPORT.

THESE GUYS ARE UPTIGHT.

I'M GOING THROUGH SECURITY,

RIGHT, THE GUY LOOKS AT ME.

ME!

HE SAYS TO ME, HE SAYS,

"HEY BUDDY, ARE YOU AN ILLEGAL

ALIEN?"

I LOOKED AT HIM RIGHT IN THE

EYES AND I SAID,

[CHEWBACA NOISES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEWBACA NOISES CONTINUE]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

OH YEAH, THAT GOT ME RIGHT

THROUGH, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, IT'S A CRAZY WORLD,

ISN'T IT?

AND US HUMANS AIN'T TOO PERFECT,

ARE WE?

WE DO STUPID THINGS, HUH?

YOU EVER DO A DUMB THING, BUDDY?

>> SURE.

Harland Williams: WHAT'D YOU DO

THAT'S DUMB, LITTLE FRIEND?

BESIDES SIT IN THE FRONT-ROW

WHERE I CAN GET TO YOU?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S WHAT I DID RECENTLY,

PRETTY STUPID.

I WAS A LITTLE VAIN.

I WENT OUT AND GOT SOME

COSMETIC SURGERY.

I HAD MY CHIN REMOVED AND

MY EARS ENLARGED.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW IF GETTING THE CHIN

REMOVED WAS THE SMARTEST THING

IN THE WORLD.

I HAD TO CANCEL MY VIOLIN

LESSONS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'D DROOL IT'D GO STRAIGHT DOWN

INTO MY UNDERPANTS.

I TRIED TO GIVE AN ITALIAN GUY

THE FUNGOOLA THE OTHER DAY

IT WENT RIGHT IN MY EYE.

[LAUGHTER]

CHICKS ARE GETTING THE BOTOX

INJECTIONS IN THEIR FACE, MAN.

YOU EVER SEE ONE OF THESE CHICKS

HAVE AN ORGASM?

"AHHHHHH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AHHHHHH!

HERE I [BLEEP] AGAIN!

AHHHHHH!

AHHH, DON'T STOP THE PLEASURE.

AHHHHHH!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO LOOK

GOOD.

GOING TO THE TAN...

YOU LOOK TAN, MA'AM.

DO YOU GO TO THE TANNING SALON?

>> NO.

Harland Williams: NO.

WHAT DO YOU DO MA'AM, JUST LAY

OUT IN THE SUN?

>> TIME TO TIME.

Harland Williams: TIME TO TIME.

YOU'RE LIKE A GOLDEN RETRIEVER

OVER THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S BRONZE GLORY RIGHT HERE.

WHAT A TREAT.

WHAT A TREAT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO THE TANNING SALON

COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, MAN.

THIS PLACE CALLED TANTASTIC.

I'D NEVER BEEN IN MY LIFE.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW THE WHOLE

TANNING SALON PROCESS WORKED.

I GO IN.

STUPID GIRL THAT WORKS THERE

DIDN'T TELL ME WHERE THOSE

LITTLE GOGGLES GO.

[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]

I ACCIDENTALLY PUT THEM ON MY

NUT SACK!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I GOT HOME THAT NIGHT, GOT NAKED

IN FRONT OF MY LADY FRIEND.

SHE KICKED ME RIGHT BETWEEN

THE LEGS, THOUGHT A GIANT

DRAGONFLY WAS LOOSE IN THE ROOM.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID, GIANT

DRAGONFLY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN DIG THIS.

LAST WEEK, SHE HAD THE NERVE,

THE ULTIMATE INSULT, SHE HAD

THE NERVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY

STAMINA IN THE OLD SACKAROONI.

SO THIS IS WHAT I DID.

I POPPED SIX VIAGRA AND I DRANK

A CASE OF RED BULL.

[LAUGHTER]

HER FUNERAL'S THIS TUESDAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S GOING DOWN, SUCKERS!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOMETIMES.

AND WE WANT OUR PETS TO BE SMART

TOO, HUH?

ANYONE HERE HAVE A LITTLE PET?

DO YOU HAVE A DOGGY, DEAR,

ANYBODY?

CHECKERBOARD SQUARE, WHAT DO

YOU HAVE?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS IT, MA'AM?

>> MINIATURE SCHNAUZER.

Harland Williams: YOU HAVE A

SCHNAUZER, DO YOU?

AND WHAT'S ITS NAME, LOVE?

>> OSCAR.

Harland Williams: OSCAR,

THE LITTLE SCHNAUZER.

DOES HE DO LITTLE TRICKS?

>> YEAH.

HE SAYS I LOVE YOU.

Harland Williams: HE SAYS,

"I LOVE YOU," DOES HE?

[LAUGHTER]

GREAT DOG TRICK.

IT CAN "TALK", CAN IT, MA'AM?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK AT OSCAR'S

NEW TRICK.

HE JUST INSTALLED MY TIVO."

[LAUGHTER]

WELCOME TO BIPOLAR NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

A BIG WHITE BEAR THAT SWINGS

BOTH WAYS, YOUNG FELLA.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

CARS, TECHNOLOGY, IT'S ALL

GETTING CRAZY.

NO WONDER WE GET MAD AT

EACH OTHER.

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THINGS

ANYMORE.

TECHNOLOGY'S DRIVING US NUTS.

THEY MAKE YOU THINK IT'S CHEAP

AND EASY TO USE AND

UNDERSTANDABLE.

DIG THIS.

I WENT AND BOUGHT ONE OF THESE

LASER JET PRINTERS A WHILE BACK.

NINETY-NINE BUCKS FOR A

BRAND-NEW LASER JET PRINTER.

WHAT A STEAL, I THOUGHT.

NINETY-NINE BUCKS.

'TIL A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO,

LITTLE INK CARTRIDGE RAN OUT

AND I HAD TO BUY A NEW ONE...

$700.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I WENT TO THE PET SHOP.

I BOUGHT MYSELF AN OCTOPUS.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY TIME THE INK CARTRIDGE

RUNS OUT, I JUST STRAPPED IT

TO HIS LITTLE ASS.

THROW MY SHARK COSTUME ON.

SNEAK UP ON HIS TANK AND SCARE

THE CRAP OUT OF HIM.

GET MY INK FOR FREE NOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK AT THE DIVERSITY RIGHT HERE

IN THIS CROWD.

WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT.

I WAS OVER IN CHINATOWN TODAY.

YOU EVER GO TO CHINATOWN THERE,

CHUCKY WUCKY WITH THE WING WANG

WUCKY?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M OVER IN CHINATOWN.

EVERYBODY'S SPEAKING CHINESE.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE

THAT IS, THE RHYTHM,

THE CADENCE, IT'S LIKE A SONG.

I'M STANDING IN CHINATOWN AND

I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

"I DON'T SPEAK CHINESE.

BUT I FIGURE IF I TRY...

I GOT TO BE SAYING SOMETHING,

RIGHT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF

CHINATOWN.

I'M LIKE, "[CHINESE SOUNDS]."

SOME LITTLE KID RAN UP,

GAVE ME AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH!

I GOT A FREE LUNCH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GOT TO FEEL GOOD THOUGH,

DON'T YOU?

HOW ARE YOU, MY DEAR?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, LOVE?

>> RANDI.

Harland Williams: RANDI,

WHAT A TREAT.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO, MA'AM,

DO YOU WORK?

Randi: YES, I WORK.

Harland Williams: WHERE DO YOU

WORK?

Randi: I'M A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

Harland Williams: A GUIDANCE

COUNSELOR.

ISN'T THAT A TREAT?

AND WHO DID YOU HELP THIS WEEK?

Randi: NOBODY, IT'S--

Harland Williams: NOBODY.

WELL, AREN'T YOU OFF TO A

ROARING START?

[LAUGHTER]

"BILLY, WOULD YOU STEP INTO

MY OFFICE FOR A MINUTE,

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOD, I'M FEELING GOOD.

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS

WHERE YOU WAKE UP AND YOU THINK

YOU'RE A MAGICAL, MYSTICAL

WIZARD?

YOU WAKE UP, YOU THINK YOU'RE

A MAGICAL, MYSTICAL WIZARD.

DIG THIS, ACTION JACKSON.

I'M OVER AT THE MALL...

I'M OVER AT THE MALL THE OTHER

DAY DOING A LITTLE SHOPPING.

I'M WANDERING AROUND.

SUDDENLY I GOT TO DO A LITTLE

TINKLE.

SO I GO INTO THE MEN'S ROOM.

I START TO DO A LITTLE TINKLE.

AND FELLAS, YOU EVER GET

ANY OF THAT WEIRD, MYSTERIOUS

UNDERWEAR LINT STUCK IN THE

EYE OF THE NEEDLE?

[LAUGHTER]

I STARTED TO DO A TINKLE.

TWO OF THEM COME OUT!

I'M LIKE A MAGICAL, MYSTICAL

WIZARD.

I GOT HARRY POTTER PENIS,

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

THAT EVER HAPPEN TO THE LADIES

AT ALL, HUH?

GUESS YOU'D HAVE TO BE MISSING

A GYM SOCK OR SOMETHING,

AT THAT POINT.

[LAUGHTER]

THONG AND SHE ACCIDENTALLY

CRAPS HER PANTS...

[LAUGHTER]

DOES THAT CUT IT RIGHT IN TWO?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, WAS THAT ONE A

LITTLE RUDE?

HEY, COME ON, WE'RE ALL RUDE,

FOLKS.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M THE

ONLY RUDE ONE IN THE WORLD,

RIGHT?

YOU'VE ALL BEEN RUDE.

YOU'VE ALL DONE THIS, RIGHT?

YOU'VE ALL BEEN IN THE ELEVATOR

SOMEWHERE, AT WORK, AT YOUR

APARTMENT BUILDING, AT A HOTEL.

YOU'RE IN THE ELEVATOR ALL BY

YOURSELF.

YOU'RE ALL READY TO WHIP UP

TO YOUR FLOOR, NICE AND FAST.

THE ELEVATOR DOORS START TO

CLOSE.

THEY'RE JUST ABOUT SHUT.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, FROM OUT

OF NOWHERE, THIS ONE MORON'S

RUNNING THROUGH THE LOBBY.

HE'S LIKE, "WAIT!

HOLD THE DOOR!

HOLD THE DOOR!"

AND YOU'RE IN THE ELEVATOR,

AND YOU PRETEND TO PUSH THE

DOOR OPEN BUTTON.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, THANKS A LOT, FOLKS,

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

GOD BLESS YA.

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