CC Presents: Tony Rock

  • 01/11/2010

HE'LL GET YOU IN TROUBLEEVERY TIME.

GET YOU IN TROUBLE EVERY TIME.

I TRIED TO GIVE MYSELF A WEEKOF NOT DRINKING.

I TRIED TO GIVE MYSELF A WEEKOF NOT DRINKING.

DIDN'T MAKE IT.GOT DRUNK LAST NIGHT.

TRIED NOT TO DRINK FOR A WEEK,

'CAUSE I THREW UP ON THE PLANEON THE WAY OUT HERE.

YEAH. I WAS AT L.A.

MY BOYS WERE LIKE,"BEFORE YOU GO BACK HOME,

WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU OUTAND PARTY."

WENT TO THE CLUB. DRANKA BIG-ASS BOTTLE OF TEQUILA.

LIKE NOT THAT ONE, THAT ONE.

HAD TO GET ON A PLANETWO HOURS LATER.

I WAS ON THAT PLANE MESSED UP.

ANYBODY THAT'S EVER BEEN DRUNKAND THREW UP,

IT'S THE SAME PROCESSFOR EVERYBODY IN HERE.

EVERYBODY IN HERE, SAME PROCESS.

YOU'RE SITTING THERE.YOU START SWEATING.

START BREATHING HEAVY.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ RETCHES ]

[ RETCHES ]

ALCOHOL MAN COME BACK,START TALKING TO YOU -- BOOP!

"I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GONNATHROW UP ON THIS PLANE, OKAY?

YOU'RE A GROWN-ASS MAN."

"WATCH OUT."

[ RETCHES ]

SOON AS THE PLANE LANDED,I WAS LIKE THIS...

BLAH!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?

ONCE YOU FINISH THROWING UP,YOU FEEL GREAT!

YES!

SOON AS YOU FINISH.

SOON AS YOU FINISH,YOU'RE LIKE, "LET'S GO.

WHERE THE PARTY AT?LET'S GO."

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT MESSES YOU UPAFTER THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT MESSES YOU UPAFTER THAT?

THE DRY HEAVES.

FOR THE NEXT 10 MINUTES,

YOU'RE DOING THIS,NOTHING COMING OUT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I WALK INTO BAGGAGE CLAIM,

EVERYBODY SAW ME,LIKE, "YOU OKAY?"

"YEAH, I'M FINE."[ RETCHES ]

"I'M GOOD.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.I'M FINE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SEE, EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING,'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S BEEN THERE.

IT'S DIFFERENT FOR GIRLS,THOUGH.

IT'S DIFFERENT FOR GIRLS.

GROUP OF GIRLS GO OUT,ONE GIRL GETS SICK,

EVERY GIRL PLAYS A PART.

ONE GIRL GETS SICK,EVERY GIRL PLAYS A PART.

SOON AS SHE STARTS GETTING SICK,

THEY RUSH HER STRAIGHTTO THE BATHROOM.

ONE GIRL STANDS IN FRONTOF THE BATHROOM --

"YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE.SHE'S THROWING UP.

"YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE.

YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE.SHE'S THROWING UP."

ANOTHER GIRL IN THE STALLWITH HER,

HOLDING HER HAIR BACK.

"LET IT OUT, LET IT OUT,LET IT OUT.

"I'M HERE, I'M HERE.

BRING THE CAR AROUND, KIKI.BRING THE CAR AROUND."

SHE COME WALKING OUT OFTHE BATHROOM, COLD AND SHAKING.

[ SHIVERING ]

THEY PUT A JACKET OVER HER,

WALK HER OUTLIKE IT'S JAMES BROWN

AT THE END OF THE CONCERT.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FELLAS --NO SUCH UNITY WHATSOEVER.

YOU GO OUTWITH YOUR BEST FRIEND,

YOU START THROWING UP,

THEY'RE NOT TAKING YOUTO NO BATHROOM.

YOU'RE GONNA THROW UPRIGHT THERE ON THE SIDEWALK,

AND THEY'RE GONNA STANDOVER YOU LAUGHING,

'CAUSE NOW YOU AREA SPECTACLE.

"HA HA HA HA!

"YEAH, IT'S MY BOY.HE CAN'T DRINK.

"IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY, YEAH.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. YEAH."

YOU EVER MEET SOMEBODYTHAT DON'T DRINK,

AND YOU LOOK AT THEM

LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONGWITH THEM?

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU ACTUALLY LOOK AT THEM

LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONGWITH THEM.

YOU'RE STANDING THERE,DRUNK AS HELL.

"YOU DON'T DRINK?WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

"SO, WHAT, YOU JUSTGO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT

AND WAKE UP IN THE SAME SPOT?"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOT ME.I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING --

"WHERE THE HELL AM I?

WHO IS THIS CHICK?"

I LOVE ALCOHOL, MAN.

SOME PEOPLE CALL ALCOHOLA DRUG, TOO.

SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT --"ALCOHOL'S A DRUG."

NOT ME.I CALL IT A VITAMIN.

'CAUSE WHATEVER YOUR DEFICIENCYIS, ALCOHOL WILL TREAT IT.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM?PROBLEM SOLVED.

"THANK YOU, ALCOHOL."

YOU GO IN A CLUB,YOU CAN'T DANCE?

HAVE A COUPLE OF DRINKS.

PROBLEM SOLVED.

ALCOHOL WILL MAKE YOU THINKYOU'RE IN AN R&B GROUP.

FIRST SHOT OF TEQUILA -- BOOM.

"YEAH!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"THANK YOU, ALCOHOL."

YOU SEE A GIRL ACROSS THE ROOM,AND SHE DON'T LOOK THAT GOOD?

HAVE A COUPLE OF DRINKS.

BOOM -- SHE IS GORGEOUS.

"I'M-A MARRY HER."

THE ALCOHOL MANPOPS UP ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW HOW TO SPOTTHE ALCOHOL MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU...

REMEMBER -- REMEMBER KANYEAT THE VMAs?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HE ON THE RED CARPET,BOTTLE OF HENNESSY.

HE GET BACK TO HIS SEAT --

"AND THE AWARDGOES TO TAYLOR SWIFT."

HERE COMES ALCOHOL MAN --BOOP!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU KNOW THAT'S MESSED UP,RIGHT?"

"YEAH, ALCOHOL."

"YOU KNOW BEYONCé HAD ONE OFTHE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME."

"YEAH, ALCOHOL."

"WELL, GET YOUR ASS UP THEREAND TELL EVERYBODY BEYONCé

HAD ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOSOF ALL TIME."

"YOU RIGHT, ALCOHOL!"

"YO, YO, YO, YO, TAYLOR,I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU.

"I'M-A LET YOU FINISH.

BUT BEYONCé HAD ONE OF THE BESTVIDEOS OF ALL TIME."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND HERE'S A TIP FOR ALLTHE WEED SMOKERS IN THE ROOM.

IF YOU'RE GONNA SMOKE, ALWAYSSMOKE WITH YOUR FAT FRIENDS.

YES, THE FATTER, THE BETTER.

'CAUSE YOUR FAT FRIENDSWILL TAKE THE MUNCHIES

TO A WHOLE NOTHER LEVEL.

YOUR FAT FRIENDS ARE LIKE,"DAMN POTATO CHIPS."

[ INHALES ]

"I'M-A GO BAKE A CAKE."

YES!

YES, FAT TOMMY! YES!

FAT TOMMY TO THE RESCUE. YES.

SOME FAT DUDEIN YOUR KITCHEN, LIKE...

BUT HE HIGH, SO HE EATINGALL THE CAKE AT THE SAME TIME.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"STOP EATING THE CAKE,FAT TOMMY!

"START OUT WITH A CAKE,

END UP WITH A MUFFIN,MESSING AROUND WITH YOU."

[ SCATTERED LAUGHS ]

YOU SEE, YOU ALWAYS GOT TO GIVETHAT JOKE A FEW SECONDS...

SO THE HIGH PEOPLE CAN CATCH UP.

YOU HEAR THE LATE LAUGHS?THAT'S THE HIGH PEOPLE.

THEY DON'T HEAR THE JOKEAS QUICKLY AS EVERYBODY ELSE.

LIKE YOU GUYS HEAR ITAS SOON AS I SAY IT.

THE HIGH PEOPLE HEAR ITA LITTLE BIT SLOWER.

THEY HEAR THE JOKEIN SLOW MOTION.

SO THE HIGH PEOPLE IN THE ROOM,THE JOKE SOUNDED LIKE THIS --

[ Slowed-down voice ] "FAT TOMMYHAD THE CAKE LIKE THIS."

"STOP EATING THE CAKE,FAT TOMMY."

"END UP WITH A MUFFIN,MESSING AROUND WITH YOU."

HA HA HA HA.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"FAT TOMMY."

"THIS DUDE'S HILARIOUS."

MY BOYS,THEY SMOKE WEED ALL THE TIME.

THEY COME TO MY HOUSE 'CAUSETHEY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS AND WIVES

THAT WON'T LET THEM SMOKEAT HOME.

SO THEY COME TO MY HOUSE.

MY HOUSE IS THE DESIGNATEDWEED-SMOKING HOUSE.

SO THEY ALWAYS COME OVER

AND GET INTO THESE DEEP,PHILOSOPHICAL WEED DEBATES.

LIKE, THEY THINK IT'S DEEP,'CAUSE THEY HIGH.

THEY'RE SITTING AND SMOKINGLIKE, "I GOT A GOOD ONE.

I GOT A GOOD ONE."

[ INHALES ]

"CHECK THIS OUT.CHECK THIS OUT.

"IF YOU COULD BE BATMAN[CHUCKLES]

OR SUPERMAN,WHICH ONE WOULD YOU BE?"

"THAT'S DEEP."

"I'M-A GO WITH SUPERMAN, MAN."

I WAS LIKE, "NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I THINK I'M GONNA GOWITH BATMAN ON THAT ONE.

I'M-A GO WITH BATMAN."YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE WHEN BATMAN'S NOT BATMAN,HE'S BILLIONAIRE BRUCE WAYNE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND WHEN SUPERMAN'SNOT SUPERMAN,

HE'S REGULAR-ASS CLARK KENT.

WHEN BATMAN NOT BATMAN,HE DAMN NEAR PUFF DADDY.

AND EVERYWHERE HE GOES,HE'S INTRODUCED AS SUCH.

"HAVE YOU MET BILLIONAIREBRUCE WAYNE?"

EVEN IF YOU DON'T CATCH --"I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR LAST NAME."

"DID YOU HEAR THE FIRST PART?"

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.I GAVE IT SOME THOUGHT.

I GAVE IT A LOT OF THOUGHT.YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED?

SUPERMAN COULD ONLY BEA WHITE GUY.

HE COULD ONLY BE A WHITE GUY.

ONLY BE A WHITE GUY.

'CAUSE WHAT BLACK DUDEIS GONNA KEEP SUPERPOWERS

A SECRET AT WORK?

IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

HE IN THE BREAK ROOMWITH HIS BOYS, LIKE,

"YO, CHECK THIS OUT.CHECK THIS OUT.

"I KNOW IT DON'T LOOK LIKE ITRIGHT NOW...

"BUT I'M TELLING YOU...

I'M SUPERMAN."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BLACK GIRLS ALREADY THINK THEYBOYFRIENDS ARE SUPERHEROES.

BLACK GIRLS ALREADY THINK THEIRBOYFRIENDS ARE SUPERHEROES.

YOU EVER SEE HOW FEARLESSA BLACK GIRL IS

WHEN HER BOYFRIEND IS AROUND?

"WHAT, YOU THINK YOU BAD'CAUSE YOU 6'10", 300 POUNDS?

GET HIM, BABY."

"BABE, LET'S JUSTRUN TOGETHER, OKAY?"

THAT'S WHY SUPERMANNEVER FOUGHT A BLACK VILLAIN.

NEVER CATCH HIM.NEVER CATCH HIM.

ALL HIS SUPERPOWERS,WE GOT THE SAME STUFF.

FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET.REALLY?

LET SOMEBODY START SHOOTINGIN HERE RIGHT NOW,

AND I'LL BET YOUI GET OUT FIRST.

NEVER FOUGHT NO BLACK VILLAIN.

WHAT'S HIS WEAKNESS?WHAT'S SUPERMAN'S WEAKNESS?

CAN'T SEE THROUGH LEAD.

COME TO THE HOOD.

ALL THAT LEAD-BASED PAINTIN THE PROJECTS,

HE'D NEVER FIND NOBODY.

ALL THE LITTLE KIDSEATING THE PAINT CHIPS,

THEY WALKING AROUND INVISIBLE.

SUPERMAN HAVE A HARD DAYIN THE GHETTO.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

WE ALL SUPERHEROES.

WE ALL FASTERTHAN SPEEDING BULLETS.

WE ALL ABLE TO LEAP.

WE JUST HAVEN'T MASTEREDFLYING YET.

WE JUST HAVEN'T MASTEREDFLYING YET.

THAT'S WHY WHENEVER YOU DRIVETHROUGH THE GHETTO,

YOU ALWAYS SEE SNEAKERS CAUGHTUP IN THE TELEPHONE WIRES.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SOME BROTHER DANGLING.

SOMEBODY LIKE, "WHO TOLD HIMHE COULD DO THAT?"

HERE COMES ALCOHOL MAN.

BOOP! "I DON'T KNOW WHO TOLD HIMHE COULD DO THAT."

IN FRONT OF A MIXED CROWD.

I TRAVEL ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.I GO ALL OVER THE WORLD.

SOMETIMES I'M IN AN AUDIENCEWHERE I'M ONE OF ONE.

YEAH. YOU EVER BEENTO CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA?

NOT A LOT OF PIGMENTIN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA.

OKAY? WHITE.

W-H-I-I-I-I-T-E, OKAY?

IOWA IS SO WHITE,

I THINK THAT'S WHERE THEY MAKEWHITE PEOPLE AT.

ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE IN HERE,LOOK AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FOOT.

IT SAYS, "MADE IN IOWA."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WENT TO A STRIP CLUBWHILE I WAS THERE.

IT GOT WORSE. YEAH.

SOME STATES SHOULDN'TEVEN HAVE STRIP CLUBS.

IOWA -- TOP OF THAT LIST.

NO BLACK PEOPLE.IT WAS COLD.

I'M IN A DARK-ASSSTRIP CLUB.

BUNCH OF PALE-ASSWHITE GIRLS DANCING AROUND.

I THOUGHT I WASIN A HAUNTED HOUSE.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"NOW APPEARING ON STAGE ONE,GIVE IT UP FOR PALE GAIL!"

"WHOO-O-O-O-O-O!"

SHE JUST COME OUT THE WALL?

IT'S THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD.

I GOT UP FOR THIS SHOW, TOO.

I GOT A HAIRCUT.GOT ME AN OUTFIT.

I WAS GONNA WORK OUTAND EVERYTHING.

I WAS LIKE, "DON'T HAVE THATKIND OF TIME FOR RESULTS."

I WAS GONNA EAT HEALTHY, TOO.

I WAS GONNA GIVE MYSELF A WEEKOF EATING HEALTHY.

THEN I SAID, "NAH, FORGET IT."

TOO MUCH WORK.TOO EXPENSIVE TO EAT HEALTHY.

ANYBODY A HEALTH NUT IN HERE?

TOO EXPENSIVE TO EAT HEALTHY.

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

YOU EVER GO TO WHOLE FOODS?YOU EVER GO TO WHOLE FOODS?

A CARROT IS LIKE $7.

McDONALD'S GOT DOUBLECHEESEBURGERS FOR A DOLLAR.

YOU KNOW WHY KIDSDON'T EAT FRUIT?

'CAUSE FRUITSDON'T HAVE ANY MASCOTS.

THAT'S WHY KIDS DON'T EAT FRUIT.FRUITS DON'T HAVE ANY MASCOTS.

LIKE EVERY SUGARY CEREALHAS LIKE A BEAR OR A RABBIT.

IT'S LIKE, "KIDS, EAT IT, KIDS!EAT IT, EAT IT, EAT IT!"

YOU'RE A LITTLE KID,YOU'RE LIKE,

"I GOT TO GET THAT CEREAL."

THERE'S NO MASCOT FOR GRAPES.

NO MASCOT FOR APPLES.YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THE GRAPEAND THE APPLE --

THEY THE MASCOTS FOR UNDERWEAR.

THAT'S WHY I SAID I WAS GONNAEAT WHAT I WANT TO EAT

AND DRINK ALCOHOLAND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

YEAH.

"THIS IS THE BEST JOBIN THE WORLD."

I GOT THE BEST JOBIN THE WORLD, OKAY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DOFOR WORK,

BUT MY JOB IS BETTERTHAN YOURS.

OKAY?

I GET AN INTRODUCTION,

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE,

AND MUSIC PLAYING EVERY TIMEI SHOW UP FOR WORK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU DON'T GET THAT AT YOUR JOB.

YOU WORK AT THE DMV,

NOBODY GIVES A DAMNWHEN YOU SHOW UP FOR WORK.

THERE'S NO DEEJAY IN THE BACK --"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

"WINDOW NUMBER SEVEN,REGISTRATION RENEWAL!

GIVE IT UP FOR KEYSHIA!"

"HEY!

"HOW'S EVERYBODY?!

OPEN OVER HERE!OPEN OVER HERE!"

YOU DON'T GET THAT AT YOUR JOB.

PLUS, THERE'SA STRONG POSSIBILITY --

THERE'S A STRONG POSSIBILITY I'MGONNA GET SOME AFTER THE SHOW.

YES.

AND I ONLY SAY IT NOW

'CAUSE THERE'S A LOT OF GIRLSIN THE ROOM,

SO YOU GUYS CAN TALKAMONGST YOURSELVES.

FIGURE OUT WHO THE CANDIDATE IS.

SAVES ME A LOT OF TIMEAT THE END OF THE SHOW.

SO, YOU CAN'T SAY THATAT YOUR JOB.

YOU CAN'T WALK IN YOUR JOB --"HEY, UH, LADIES, UM...

"THERE'S A LOT OF Y'ALL IN HERE,

"AND, UH...

"SOMEBODY GONNA GIVE ME SOME.

"SO...

"Y'ALL FIGURE IT OUT,

"AND I'LL BE AT MY CUBICLE.

LET ME KNOW."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ME PERSONALLY,

I THINK MARIJUANA SHOULD BELEGAL, IF YOU ASK ME.

MARIJUANA SHOULD BE LEGAL, YEAH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

OH, YEAH.

THEY SHOULD LEGALIZE IT.I HAVE THE ANSWER, TOO.

THEY SHOULD LEGALIZE MARIJUANAAND THEN TAX IT.

THAT'S THE ANSWER RIGHT THERE.

LEGALIZE IT, THEN TAX IT.

YES.

THEN TAKE THE TAX MONEYAND PUT IT TO GOOD USE.

FIX UP THE SCHOOLS...HEALTHCARE...

DRUG PREVENTION.

MAKE A NICKEL BAG $5.65.

THAT WOULD BE FUNNYJUST TO SEE PEOPLE HIGH

LOOKING FOR LOOSE CHANGE.

"WHAT?"

YOU'RE ALREADY PAYING TAXESON STUFF

YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY TAXES ON.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL PAY TAXESON SOMETHING

YOU WANT TO PAY TAXES ON,FOR ONCE, RIGHT?

YOU GET PAID ON FRIDAY.YOU EVER LOOK AT YOUR CHECK?

THEY TOOK MONEY OUT YOUR CHECK

TO PAY TAXESYOU DON'T WANT TO PAY.

IF THEY WAS TAKING MONEY OUTFOR WEED, YOU WOULDN'T MIND.

YOU'D BE LIKE, "YOU MIGHT WANTTO TAKE A LITTLE MORE.

I SMOKE A LOT."

IT'S TRUE.

TAX DOLLARS -- DID YOU KNOW YOURTAX DOLLARS PAY COPS' SALARIES?

YOUR TAX DOLLARSPAY COPS' SALARIES.

FOR BLACK PEOPLE,THAT SHOULD BE OPTIONAL.

[ APPLAUSE ]

WE SHOULD HAVE TO CHECK A BOXON OUR W-2 FORM --

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY A COP?""HELL NO. GIVE ME MY MONEY."

THAT'S WHY BLACK PEOPLERUN FROM THE COPS.

"YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK.

I MIGHT AS WELL GETMY MONEY'S WORTH."

"FREEZE!"

"KISS MY ASS.CHASE ME."

"I PAY YOUR SALARY.I WANT TO SEE MY MONEY AT WORK."

YOUR TAX DOLLARSPAY FIREMEN'S SALARIES, TOO.

YOU KNOW THAT?

THEN THEY HAVE THE NERVETO SAY STUFF LIKE,

"ONLY CALL USWHEN IT'S AN EMERGENCY."

"REALLY? WELL, ONLY TAKE MYMONEY WHEN YOU PUT OUT A FIRE."

"DON'T CALL US FOR ANYTHINGSTUPID LIKE A CAT IN A TREE."

"I WILL CALL YOUR ASSTO GET A ORANGE OUT THE TREE.

I PAY YOUR SALARY."

"911, GET OVER HERE.SEE THAT ORANGE? I NEED THAT."

LONG AS YOU'RE PAYING TAXES,

THAT MEANS EVERYBODYIN THIS ROOM,

AS LONG AS YOU'RE PAYING TAXES,

YOU ALL HAVE THE RIGHTTO WALK INTO A FIRE STATION

AND SLIDE DOWN THE POLEJUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.

IT'S YOUR RIGHT AS A TAXPAYER.

JUST WALK IN THERE --"HEY, CAN WE HELP YOU?"

"NAH, I'M COOL."

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