Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 01/17/2010

Aziz Ansari torments his nephew on Facebook, considers R. Kelly's case and hangs with Kanye West.

I WENT TO A PLACE RECENTLYI THINK IS ONE OF THE MOST

FUCKED-UP PLACES I'VE EVERBEEN TO.

I'M CONVINCED THIS PLACE IS THEEPITOME OF AMERICAN EXCESS,

OF AMERICAN GREED.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A PLACE CALLEDCOLDSTONE CREAMERY.

WHOA.

IF YOU HAVE NOT BEEN THERE, THEBASIC GIST OF COLDSTONE IS THAT

THEY TAKE ICE CREAM, AND THENTHEY JUST GO APE SHIT WITH IT.

THEY'RE JUST, LIKE, SLAMMINGBROWNIES AND GUMMY BEARS AND

JUST HAMMERING IT IN THERE--WHATEVER FAT PEOPLE WANT IN

THERE--SNICKERS BAR,CHEESEBURGER, LET ME FUCK A

BUTTERFINGER INTO IT FOR YOU.

JUST, LIKE, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

JESUS, THIS IS WAY TOO INTENSEFOR ME.

IS THAT GUY'S DICK ABUTTERFINGER?

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE A SMALLCUP OF VANILLA, IF THAT'S OKAY.

THIS IS JUST TOO INTENSE FORME."

LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER'S LIKE,"NO, NO, NO, YOU SHOULD TRY ONE

OF OUR CREATIONS LIKE BIRTHDAYCAKE REMIX, WHERE

WE TAKE CAKE BATTER ICE CREAM,YELLOW CAKE, FUDGE CHUNKS,

SPRINKLES."

IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, THATJUST SOUNDS TOO INTENSE FOR ME.

I'LL JUST HAVE A SMALL CUP OFVANILLA."

SHE GOES, "QUIT BEING A BITCH."

WHOA.

AND THEN I COULDN'T EVEN GET ASMALL, 'CAUSE THEIR SIZES ARE

ACTUALLY "LIKE IT," "LOVE IT,"AND "GOTTA HAVE IT."

WHAT KIND OF CRACKHEADTERMINOLOGY IS THAT?

"HEY, WHAT SIZE YOU WANT, MAN?""I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I JUST GOTTA HAVE IT!

PUT SOME ICE CREAM IN A CUP.

I'M TWEAKING.

I'M TWEAKING.

I'M TWEAKING."

AND, YOU KNOW, I FELT BAD FORPEOPLE THAT HAD TO WORK THERE,

MAN, SO I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'MGONNA DROP A COUPLE OF DOLLARS

IN THE TIP JAR ON MY WAY OUT."

WHOA, THAT'S WHEN ALL HELL BROKELOOSE, 'CAUSE APPARENTLY,

WHENEVER THEY GET EVEN A DOLLARIN THE TIP JAR, ALL FIVE

EMPLOYEES ARE REQUIRED TO BUMPOUT INTO A SONG-AND-DANCE NUMBER

WHERE THEY TAKE CURRENT POPULARMUSIC AND SHOVE COLDSTONE LINGO

INTO IT AS IF THEY'RE SOMERETARDED SECOND COUSIN OF

WEIRD AL THAT'S OBSESSED WITHICE CREAM, AND IT'S RIDICULOUS.

FIVE PEOPLE ARE SINGING ANDDANCING FOR A DOLLAR.

THAT'S 20¢ A PERSON.

IF YOU SAW A HOMELESS DUDEOUTSIDE OF COLDSTONE AND YOU'RE

LIKE, "HEY, MAN, I'LL GIVE YOU20¢ TO SING SOME SONGS

ABOUT COLDSTONE," HE'D GO, "HEY,MAN, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

THAT'S DEGRADING."

I WAS DOWN AT CVS, AND I HAD A

RATHER ODD ASSORTMENT OF ITEMS

I NEEDED TO GET.

I HAD TO GET A LITER OF

JACK DANIELS, A TWO-LITER BOTTLE

OF COCA-COLA, A BOX OF CONDOMS,

AND A TEN-PACK OF BLANK CDR

DISCS, AND I THOUGHT IT'D BE

AWESOME IF, EVERY MORNING, I

WENT AND BOUGHT THOSE SAME FOUR

THINGS FOR, LIKE, SIX MONTHS,

JUST TO DEVELOP THIS REALLY

WEIRD REPUTATION WITH THE STAFF

THERE, WHERE THEY'D BE LIKE,

"HOLD ON A SECOND, MAN.

THIS GUY DRINKS A LITER OF JACK

AND COKE EVERY DAY, HAS SEX 12

TIMES A DAY, AND THEN BURNS

TEN BLANK CDs?

TEN BLANK CDs?

TEN DISCS?

THAT'S LIKE 7.5 GIGS A DAY.

WHAT KIND OF DATA IS HE

BACKING UP?

WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE JUST

TO GET AN EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE AT

THIS POINT?

IS HE BURNING MUSIC?

WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE JUST

TO GET AN IPOD?

MAYBE HE'S MAKING MIX CDs

FOR ALL THESE GIRLS

THAT HE'S FUCKING.

TWO OF THOSE GIRLS AIN'T GETTING

CDs, THOUGH.

WHICH TWO ARE THOSE?

WHICH TWO DON'T GET THE CDs?

I LIKE LIVING IN L.A.

ONE THING I DON'T LIKE ABOUTLIVING HERE IS DRIVING.

I ALWAYS GET BORED WHEN I'MDRIVING, AND WHEN I GET BORED,

I GO ON THE INTERNET ON MYBLACKBERRY, SO I'M GONNA DIE,

AND WHENEVER THEY GO THROUGH THERECORDS, THEY'LL FIND MY PHONE

AND BE LIKE, "WHOA, THAT'S WHATHE LOOKED UP RIGHT BEFORE HE

DIED?"IT'LL BE SO SAD.

IT'LL BE LIKE, "COMEDIANAZIZ ANSARI WAS KILLED IN A CAR

ACCIDENT TODAY.

HE WAS STRUCK BY ANOTHER VEHICLEWHILE USING IMDB TO SEE IF

VAL KILMER WAS INDEED IN THEFILM WILLOW.

REPRESENTATIVES FOR MR. KILMERCONFIRM HE WAS INDEED IN THE

FILM AND HOPES THIS'LL PREVENTFUTURE TRAGEDIES OF THIS NATURE.

THIS IS THE THIRD WILLOW- RELATED DEATH

THIS YEAR."

"COMEDIAN AZIZ ANSARI WAS KILLEDIN A CAR ACCIDENT TODAY.

HE WAS STRUCK BY ANOTHER VEHICLEWHILE CHECKING SHOWTIMES FOR UP

ON FANDANGO.

HE'D JUST PURCHASED A SINGLETICKET FOR A 4:00 SHOW AT A $2

THEATER IN ORDER TO LIVE OUT THESADDEST AFTERNOON OF ALL TIME."

"COMEDY BAD BOY AZIZ ANSARI, AKACOMEDY HEARTTHROB AZIZ ANSARI,

WAS KILLED IN AN AWFULAUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT TODAY.

HE WAS STRUCK BY ANOTHER VEHICLEWHILE GOOGLING HIS OWN NAME."

I DO DO THAT, MAN.

IT'S HARD NOT TO.

EVERYONE I KNOW, THEY GOOGLETHEIR NAME, SEE WHAT PEOPLE

WRITE, AND IT'S SO FUNNY TO READIT, 'CAUSE PEOPLE ALWAYS THINK,

LIKE, "OH, MAN, THERE'S NO WAYHE'D HAVE TIME TO EVER READ

THIS."

HA, YEAH I DO.

I DON'T DO ANYTHING.

I TAKE NAPS ALL DAY.

AND I READ--THIS ONE TIME, THISGIRL, LIKE, HAD WRITTEN ABOUT,

LIKE, HOW SHE HAD A CELEBRITYCRUSH ON ME, AND IT'S FUNNY,

'CAUSE SHE NEVER THOUGHT IN AMILLION YEARS THAT I'D READ

THAT, YOU KNOW, NEVER IN AMILLION YEARS WOULD I READ THAT,

BUT I DID.

SO ONE DAY, I'M JUST GONNA EMAILHER AND BE LIKE, "HEY, IT'S ME,

AZIZ!

I HEARD YOU HAVE A CELEBRITYCRUSH ON ME.

I'M A LOT LONELIER THAN YOUTHINK I AM.

WHERE'S YOUR HOUSE?

I WILL COME THERE NOW.

I USED TO LIVE IN NEW YORK, ANDI LOVED LIVING THERE 'CAUSE YOU

CAN WALK AROUND EVERYWHERE,AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WALK

AROUND, SOMETIMES PEOPLERECOGNIZE ME FROM THINGS

THEY'VE SEEN ME ON TV ORWHATEVER, AND THEY'D SAY, YOU

KNOW, STUFF, AND A LOT OF TIMES,I WOULDN'T HEAR WHAT THEY SAID

'CAUSE I'D HAVE HEADPHONES ON,SO I'D KIND OF JUST GO,

"COOL, MAN.

GLAD YOU LIKE THE SHOW,"AND I'D JUST KEEP WALKING,

AND THIS ONE GUY SAID SOMETHINGTO ME ONE TIME, AND I WENT,

"COOL, MAN.

GLAD YOU LIKE THE SHOW,"AND THEN RIGHT WHEN I WALKED

PAST HIM, I REALIZED, "OH, MAN,THAT GUY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING

ABOUT THE SHOW."

HE WENT, "HEY, MAN.

YOUR FLY'S DOWN."

I WENT, "COOL, MAN.

GLAD YOU LIKE THE SHOW.

GLAD YOU LIKED SEEING MY DICKPOP OUT OF MY PANTS.

COME BACK NEXT WEEK.

YOU CAN SEE ONE OF MY BALLS."

I WENT TO A COOL SHOW INNEW YORK ONCE CALLED WALKING

WITH DINOSAURS, AND IT WAS THISTHING WHERE THEY HAD THESE,

LIKE, ANIMATRONIC DINOSAURS THATWOULD, LIKE, WALK AROUND.

IT WAS REALLY COOL.

BUT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON THERE,REALLY, IN MY AGE GROUP.

IT WAS MOSTLY, LIKE, LITTLE KIDSAND THEIR PARENTS, AND I WAS

BORED WAITING FOR THE SHOW TOSTART, SO I STARTED TALKING TO

THIS LITTLE KID NEXT TO ME, ANDHE WAS PRETTY COOL.

HE WAS, LIKE, MAYBE, LIKE,EIGHT, TEN YEARS OLD.

WE HAD A LOT IN COMMON, THOUGH,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, WE BOTH PLAYED CALL OF DUTY 4 ON THE XBOX.

WE WERE--BOTH REALLY HAD SIMILARTHEORIES ABOUT WHAT WAS REALLY

GOING ON ON LOST.

AND HE WAS JUST A COOL KID.

AND EVENTUALLY, HIS DAD WASLIKE, "HEY, BRIAN, I GOT TO GO

MAKE A COUPLE OF PHONE CALLS.

YOU THINK YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHTHERE TALKING TO YOUR NEW

FRIEND?"HE'S LIKE, "OKAY, DAD," AND THE

DAD LEAVES FOR, LIKE, A REALLYLONG TIME, AND, YOU KNOW, I'M

NOT A CHILD MOLESTER AT ALL,BUT IF I WAS, I WOULD HAVE BEEN

LIKE, "SOMEBODY'S DOING SOMEMOLESTING TONIGHT!

LET'S DO THIS SHIT, BRIAN!

YOUR DAD DOESN'T GIVE A FUCKABOUT YOU.

HE LEFT YOU ALONE WITH A GROWNMAN WITH A FULL BEARD AT

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS.

CLEARLY, I'M OUT HERE SCOUTING,AND YOU ARE MY MAN!"

[applause]