Wednesday, September 30, 2015

  • 09/30/2015

Jen Kirkman, Tom Lennon and Rhys Darby suggest #BadTrampStamps, write acceptance speeches for the Toy Hall of Fame and pitch ideas for future #HashtagWars.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> ALL RIGHT.LOOK OUT HUMMER.

THERE IS A NEW UNNECESSARILYLARGE TRUCK IN TOWN AND IT MAKES

YOUR OLD SMALL PENIS LOOKABSOLUTELY GIGANTIC. THIS IS THE

ACTION MOBIL GLOBAL XRS 7200.

>> IT EVEN SAYS "MAN" ON THEFRONT IN CASE YOU FORGET YOU'RE

A MAN AND ALSO WHERE YOU PARKED.

>> THE GLOBAL IS MADE INAUSTRIA, THE SAME PLACE WHERE

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER WASMANUFACTURED.

YOU CAN GET ONE DURING THEACTION MOBIL GLOBALTHON SALES

EVENT FOR JUST $891,000 BEFOREREBATES.

♪ TAKE THE 605 TO THE AUTOBAHN.

SALZBURG. ♪

THAT'S A LOCAL JOKE, NO ONE ISGOING TO GET THAT.

♪ KEYS, KEYS, KEYS

OH, (BLEEP) YOU GUYS.

YOU GOT THAT? OH, RHYS, YOUHAVE A QUESTION.

>> ♪ THE POTHOLE PEOPLE, THEPOTHOLE PEOPLE. PHONE 921. ♪

>> Chris: RHYS, I HAVE AQUESTION. ARE YOU DOING A LOCAL

COMMERCIAL FROM NEW ZEALAND?

>> YES.

>> Chris: OKAY.

NOW THIS THING IS ANABOMINATION, SO COMEDIANS I WANT

YOU TO EXPLAIN THIS TRUCK TOGOD.

RHYS DARBY.

>> GOD DOESN'T EXIST.

SO WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS.

>> JEN KIRKMAN.

>> GET OFF MY DICK, GOD. YOUDIDN'T GIVE NOAH ANY (BLEEP)

WHEN HE BUILT THAT RIDICULOUSLYBIG BOAT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> SORRY, GOD.

>> Chris: YEAH.

TOM LENNON.

>> HEY, GOD IT'S ME, POPEFRANCIS AGAIN. YOU KNOW A BUNCH

OF GUYS GET TOGETHER AND STARTMEASURING THEIR TRUCKS AND ONE

GUY IS LIKE THAT TRUCK IS SO BIGAND THEN YOU ARE ALL SPLASHING

AROUND AND IT'S CRAZY?

AND, I DON'T KNOW, AM I TWEETINGTOO MUCH? CALL ME BACK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

THE LOWER BACK TATTOO, KNOWN ASTHE TRAMP STAMP, IS A TIMELESS

SYMBOL OF CLASS AND DIGNITY.

BUT FROM TIME TO TIME SOMEBODYWITH MORE QUESTIONABLE TASTES

WILL GET SUCH A TATTOO LIKETHIS.

SO -->> OOH.

>> DID SHE ASK FOR "DERRIERE"?

>> TONIGHT, WE CELEBRATE THISMARK OF SOPHISTICATION WITH THE

HASHTAG #BADTRAMPSTAMPS.

WOW.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: "WIFI HOTSPOT" OR "HI DAD."

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> PARKING RESERVED FOR MR.RIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> TOM LENNON.

>> CLICK HERE TO AGREE TO TERMSAND CONDITIONS.

>> ME AND MY SON ARE ON THEHONOR ROLE AT NEWHART MIDDLE

SCHOOL.

>> POINTS. TOM.

>> PLEASE LOOK AFTER THIS BEAR.>> POINTS. RHYS DARBY.

>> THIS IS MY WATER LINE. IF YOUSEE ME WADING ANY DEEPER, PLEASE

LET ME KNOW.

>> Chris: OKAY.

POINTS.

RHYS DARBY.

>> I PULLED THE POPE'S SECRETLEVER.

>> Chris: POINTS. JEN.

>> ASK ME ABOUT MY GRANDKIDS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM LENNON.

>> IF YOU CAN READ THIS, KIDROCK FELL OFF.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY THE HATE BOAT.

COMEDIANS AND CRUISE SHIPS GOTOGETHER LIKE LEGIONNAIRES'

DISEASE AND CRUISE SHIPS.

WE FOUND -- THANK YOU, TOM.

WE FOUND A DELIGHTFUL PICTUREASSORTMENT CALLED "LOVE BOAT

REJECTS," A COLLECTION OF PHOTOSTAKEN BY PHOTOGRAPHER IAN HUGHES

AND OTHERS WHEN THEY WERESWABBING THE DECKS OF CRUISE

SHIPS WAY BACK THE 1990s.

COMEDIANS I AM GOING TO SHOW YOUSOME OF THESE SOLID GOLD CRUISE

SHIP SNAPS, AND FOR 250 POINTS IWANT YOU TO ANSWER A FEW

QUESTIONS.

HOW ABOUT THESE TWO PRETTY INPINKERS?

HOW ABOUT THESE TWO? DID THEYEVER FIND THESE TWO?

>> Chris: JEN.

>> THEY NEVER FOUND HER: SHEMYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARED. HE

WASHED UP ON SHORE YEARS LATERAND LIVES IN KEY WEST WITH HIS

ROOMMATE, LANCE.>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> THEY NEVER FOUND THEM, PERSE, BUT THEY DO KEEP GETTING

POSTCARDS FROM THE HEDONISMSWINGERS RESORT IN JAMAICA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RHYS.

>> THIS IS ACTUALLY A HISTORICPHOTO.

>> Chris: I WASN'T AWARE OFTHAT.

>> IT IS PROOF OF ANCIENTALIENS.

ALSO, AND THIS IS MY THEORY

THAT THIS IS ACTUALLY THE KINGAND QUEEN OF ATLANTIS.

AND THEY HAD NEVER BEEN FOUNDBUT SOME SAY THEY'RE INSIDE THE

ATLANTIAN DOOM BENEATH THEBERMUDA TRIANGLE AND SENDING OUT

UFOS.

>> Chris: THIS EXPLAINS A LOT.

POINTS.>> LOVE YOU GUYS.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE,THIS SURPRISED COUPLE.

OH! OH! OH, NO.

WHAT DID THE PHOTOGRAPHER SAY TOTHESE YOUNG LOVERS WHEN HE

SNAPPED THE PICTURES, TOMLENNON?

>> GUESS WHO'S PREGNANT?

>> Chris: JEN.

>> IN 2008, WE WILL HAVE A BLACKPRESIDENT.

>> Chris: YEP.

OKAY.

POINTS.

>> RHYS DARBY.

>> OH, HELLO BITTIE.

YOU MAY RECALL ME FROM LASTNIGHT WHEN WE HAD A COUPLE OF

DRINKS AND I TOOK A COUPLE OFCANDIDS OF YOU AND YOU SAID YOU

WERE SINGLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS DISSATISFIEDPATRON.

WHY SO MAD? WHAT'S HE SO MADABOUT?

>> THE CAPTAIN JUST (BLEEP)EDHIS ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF

EVERYONE.>> Chris: POINTS.

THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE?

>> THIS GUY, AND HE'S GOT TOSHAKE HANDS WITH HIM.

>> THAT HAS THE MAKINGS OF AMAJOR LEMON PARTY.

>> Chris: THAT IS THIS GUY'SNAME.

GOOGLE IT.

MAJOR LEMON PARTY.

MAJOR LEMON PARTY, REPORTING TODUTY.

>> LAST ONE, THIS BEACHEDGENTLEMAN.

WHAT DID HE WRITE IN THE SANDWITH COCONUTS IN HOPES OF BEING

SPOTTED BY A RESCUE PLANE, TOMLENNON?

>> HELP, SEBASTIAN, THECRAB'S GOT MY BONER.

>> Chris: RHYS DARBY.

>> YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY WITHTHIS, BOND!

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE CRAZIEST THING IS THAT THISGUY IS CLEARLY AMISH.

>> Chris: YES HE IS. HE'S GOTTHE CHIN BEARD RIGHT THERE.

>> ARE YOU ALLOWED TO (BLEEP)BEACHES WHEN YOU'RE AMISH?

>> MY QUESTION IS, DID HE COMEFROM THIS BOAT?

>> HOW ABOUT THIS? "AW [BLEEP]LIFE, I'M ALL WASHED UP."

BEFORE THE BREAK, I GAVE YOUEACH A TOY THAT'S NOMINATED FOR

INDUCTION INTO THE TOY HALL OFFAME AND I ASKED YOU TO COME UP

WITH THE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH INTHE EVENT THAT TOY WINS.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH. JEN, YOU'RE FIRST.

WE GAVE YOU TWISTER.

>> YES.

ON BEHALF OF TWISTER, I JUSTWANT TO SAY THAT MY GREATEST

ACCOMPLISHMENT HAS BEENFACILITATING SO MANY AWKWARD

FIRST BONERS.

>> Chris: TOM LENNON.

>> HEY GUYS, IT'S ME, JENGA.FIRST, I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY

AT THE GERSH AGENCY. OH THEYARE ALREADY PLAYING THE MUSIC

FOR ME. I'M GONNA WRAP THIS UP.

WHOA, OH, OH, AHHHH.

>> Chris: PERFECT.

RHYS DARBY.

>> HELLO.

CAPTAIN DAVIDSON HERE, ROYALNAVY.

WE'RE ABSOLUTELY OVER THE MOONTHAT YOU HAVE CHOSEN OUR -- OH,

HANG ON. I JUST GOT A SIGNALCOMING THROUGH.

OH, HERE WE GO.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

OH, B7 -- HIT. B8 -- HIT. B9 --HIT. B10 -- HIT.

OH, WE ARE GOING DOWN! WE AREGOING DOWN! WE ARE GOING DOWN!

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXTGAME, FUTURE HASHTAG WARS.

>> TONIGHT IS ACTUALLY OUR 300THEPISODE OF @MIDNIGHT.

I POSED FOR THAT FOR LIKE FIVEHOURS AND I THINK THEY WERE

A LITTLE CONSERVATIVE AROUNDTHIS AREA BUT OTHERWISE I THINK

THEY DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB.

THIS MEANS WE BASICALLY HAD TOCOME UP WITH 300 DIFFERENT

HASHTAG WARS.I GOTTA BE HONEST, WE THOUGHT

THE EVENT HORIZON OF USRUNNING OUT OF THOSE WOULD HAVE

HAPPENED A YEAR AND A HALF AGOBUT WE HAVEN'T DONE IT YET.

COMING UP WITH HASHTAGS IS NOTEASY, AND IF YOU FORGOT THAT,

REMEMBER WE JUST DID#BADTRAMPSTAMPS THIS EPISODE

ALONE.

SO COMEDIANS, YOU GUYS ARE OLDPROS. WE COULD USE SOME HELP

CLEARLY, SO I WOULD LIKE YOU TOCOME UP WITH AS MANY

IDEAS FOR FUTURE HASHTAG WARSTHAT WE WILL USE AS YOU CAN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

TOM LENNON.

>> #SIX WORDS IN THREE WORDS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

POINTS.

RHYS DARBY.

>> #THANKSGIVING SEX MOVES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE STUFFING? POINTS.

>> JEN.

>> #RUIN A MAKE-A-WISH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RHYS DARBY.

>> #WHY NO ONE LOVES ME.

>> Chris: POINTS. RHYS.

>> #INSIDE THE POPE'S CHAMBERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> #MEL GIBSON'S BEST SLURS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> #SMURF IN A MERKIN

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> #RHYS D'ARBY'S MENU.

>> Chris: OH, POINTS.

JEN.

>> #TOM LENNON PARTY.

>> Chris: YES.

THAT'S THE END OF FUTURE HASHTAGWARS.