Really Real R&B

  • Season 1, Ep 13
  • 06/21/2016

Nikki sticks it to the judge of the Stanford rape case, helps Omarion produce a song about awkward sex, and plays What's Your Number? with Riki Lindhome and Anthony Jeselnik.

(whooshing music)

- [Voiceover] Not Safe is for mature audiences only.

Viewer discretion is advised, but not mandatory.

So, you get it.

(audience applauding)

- Well, let's start the show off tonight

by talking about a real-life rapist.

This guy, Ross Turner Overdrive, from Stanford.

That's what I call him.

He's a rapist.

You know how you know it's a fact?

Because I'm allowed to point to this picture

on television and yell,"This guy's a rapist!"

And I'm not

being tackled by a Comedy Central lawyer right now.

That's how you know.

But I don't wanna talk about this piece of shit, okay?

I wanna talk about this piece of shit.

Ugh, Judge Aaron Persky.

The guy who decided this little rapist

should only serve six months in jail.

And with good behavior,

or some magical rich-white-boy pixie dust,

he could get out in three!

Three months!

That's it.

He'll be back in action by homecoming.

But hey, Judge Persky is a loose tool.

And boys will be boys, you know?

He's the kind ofguy who believes

♪ Rapists gonna rape, rape, rape, rape, rape

♪ And the haters gonna rape, rape it off ♪

Yeah, thank you.

I'm very talented.

Now the good news, all right?

Because of Persky's bullshit sentencing,

last week he got thrown off a sexual assault case.

Hey, Persky, what's good?

Yeah, we see you.

And we know your name.

In fact, we're gonna make it a new word.

Put it in the dictionary, all right?

"Persky"!

A rape apologist.

(audience applauding)

Let's use it in a sentence, I'm excited.

Okay,

"The school principal was a total Persky when he said

"girls with big boobs were distracting the boys."

That's good.

Or, um, "Blurred Lines is the Perskiest song ever."

(audience laughing and applauding)

I know!

Turning his name into the definition of rape apologist

is a little extreme, but, come on.

He's asking for it.

Have you seen what he's been wearing?

Think he's naked under there.

I'm Nikki Glaser and this is Not Safe.

(audience applauding)

(electronic music)

(tense music)

- So, I hear you have a sex story.

- I do.

- Something happened, something went wrong.

- [Voiceover] Take seven, AB mark.

- I unraveled it to throw it out

and the condom was gone.

- No!

- [Voiceover] All right, we're speeding and rolling.

- We barely, barely avoided mom walking in

on son getting B.J.which would have been--

- My favorite porn.

- For about the first 30 seconds, it was basically

like the best until she began to shriek.

- [Voiceover] Roll cameras!

- There was this one time where I thought

I killed a girl with my penis.

(dramatic music)

- Omarion.

Every R&B song, I feel,is about how smooth

and cool and fucking good at sex they are.

I met a bunch of guys who have these stories

of like shit going downwhen they be fucking.

- Right.

- And I feel like there's no representation of them in R&B.

- Oh my God, this is my area, you know what I mean?

Trust me.

I'll write this for you.

- Do you think we can make this a hit?

- Definitely.

♪ Not safe, y'all

♪ Omarion

♪ Glaser

♪ With Nikki Glaser

- Gross, son.

- [Voiceover] On my period.

- [Voiceover] So I'll stick it in your ass.

- [Voiceover] Where's the lube?

- Yes, I can.

♪ Glaser, Omarion

♪ Best friends

- Are you serious?

Dude, you fucked a girlso hard she passed out?

These guys are losers, they need help.

What are you doing here?

You have a tribal tattoo and a six pack.

Go back to Equinox you beautiful asshole.

♪ We're going number one with this one ♪